


Waxing & Waning: Two Moons

by at1stsoo



Series: Kaisoo Nonau [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Romance, nonAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-13 13:36:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 133,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10514802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/at1stsoo/pseuds/at1stsoo
Summary: A Kaisoo compendium fic, from pre-debut to EX'ACTFor years, when it came to Kyungsoo and Jongin, things never quite aligned perfectly. Feelings ranged from indifference, to friendly bromance, to something too deep to admit, cycling independently in each man. And then she comes along, and their three worlds collide in unexpected ways...Kaisoo!centric, true non!au (driven by real life pics/videos/events, with references at the end of each ch)





	1. New Moons

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is completely fictional, and I have absolutely nothing but appreciation for all artists mentioned in this fic. 
> 
> Originally, this was going to be a four-shot, but I ended up extending it way beyond that because I wanted to do Kaisoo's story justice, and there were so many events I wanted to include. As a result, the initial chapters are each very short and then the chapters get richer (3000+ words each) as the plot gets thicker and Kaisoo's relationship matures. Happy reading :)

Prologue: PRE-DEBUT

It isn’t the most positive first impression.

Junmyeon is leading him down the hall in SM’s building to meet the others. Jongin's in a crummy mood today, his ego slightly bruised to hear that 2 of his new group’s members had minimal time as trainees compared to his almost 5 years of waiting for this moment. _‘What do they have now that I didn’t have 2 years ago, 3 years ago even?’_ he snarls internally, thoughts blazing in jealous fire in his mind. One glance at his leader, walking purposefully with a positive bounce in his step and a genuine smile on his lips, makes him quickly adjust his face to cover the petulant expression he’d just made. _‘No. No, stop it. Don’t think like that. If anyone had the right to feel that way, it’s Junmyeon, and he’s just so damned happy to be debuting. I should be grateful, too. We’ve all worked hard…’_

His thoughts trail off as he realizes Junmyeon and him are not the first ones to arrive in the meeting room, but more likely the last. He gazes around, taking in the company in the room and recognizing some but not others. His eyes pause on Kyungsoo. He knows the trainee, but only from afar. A vocalist. Also a hard worker. Jongin has noticed him staying late to work on his dancing, which was mediocre but vastly improved due to his dedication to precision and repetition. No, he has no problem with Kyungsoo being a member. What draws his eye to him right now is the way the short, dark haired male is glaring at a few people but especially at someone on the far side of the room, a guy whom Jongin has seen just once in all his years here, the one who must be the guy with 4 months of training. _‘He’s just as pissed as I am about some newbie who hasn’t even put in a full year being a part of the group,’_ Jongin thinks. On his face, a smile blooms. He's glad he isn’t the only one angry about it and feels better about his childish reaction to the unseasoned trainee. Then he notices Kyungsoo turn his direction and keep the same glare on his face. _‘Well, nevermind. Fuck you, too, I guess,’_ he pouts, feeling uneasy again.

 

 

 

Junmyeon calls the meeting to order, “Guys, I’m going to be honest. I’m so excited to be working with you all.” Jongin tunes out the rest and looks out the window at the inky darkness outside. _‘Huh, no light at all out there tonight…’_

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Kyungsoo glances around the room, diligently practicing the 11 members names in his head, over and over, as the final two guys enter. He is recalling real names first, then trying to remember the newly christened stage names they’ve been given. Some are easy. _‘Zitao/Tao. Chanyeol/Chanyeol. Who’s that over there? Is it Jong… Jongdae? Shit, what’s his stage name… Is that even Jongdae or is it Baekhyun?’_ He sighs inwardly, eyes narrowing further.

_‘Dammit. I should have just worn my glasses today.’_

He gives up trying to identify the guy and turns further left, identifying the several more in the same fashion. _‘Junmyeon/Suho. And finally, Jongin/Kai.’_ Kyungsoo pauses for a moment, eyes lingering on the last member as he gets ready to rehearse the names again sweeping back across the room starting with Jongin first. He vaguely notices the tall, lanky boy drop the blinding smile that had been on his face, but then Junmyeon starts talking, and Kyungsoo immediately shifts his attention. _‘Stay focused,’_ he tells himself. He notes the date, the time (9pm), and tries to commit to memory the details of this moment which he’s worked so hard for: The glare of the lights in the room, the contrasting, still blackness outside. _‘A new moon for the start of a new phase: how fitting.’_

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: New moon

Kyungsoo: New moon

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

A/N:

Hope you liked this prologue/intro to the story. Here's a lovely trailer for the fic made by a kind reader, winterqueen89  


References:

  * There are tons of refs to Kyungsoo's squinting habit, [here's one of many](https://38.media.tumblr.com/cfa7247f2f25dcf970d82e326b1faa48/tumblr_nmqkepdXOq1tenavio2_400.gif)



Not a very exciting start, but I felt that I couldn't skip the beginning. I promise not to be so heavy-handed with the lunar phase imagery in the future chapters.

If you needed a reminder of the phases...


	2. Waxing

MAMA Era

 

Jongin’s never felt so sleep-deprived and yet so invigorated. The teasers have been well-received, and so have their prologue tracks. It’s finally, FINALLY, time to perform on a music show: Inkigayo. In the van on the way over, he’s sitting in the back of the van and listening to Kyungsoo rehearsing his introduction for their title track while on the seat in front and to the left of him. Jongin flashes him a kind smile, “Hyung, you’re going to be great.”

Kyungsoo manages a weak smile in return, clearly not convinced. “I… I know. I’m ready for the actual performance, but I didn’t think I was doing anything during the interview. I’m not prepared for this; I didn’t take enough acting classes during training. I’m a terrible speaker, and I bet I’m a terrible actor, so they never really pushed me to take more. I’m wishing I had now.” His brows furrow as he re-reads the lines he’s supposed to deliver in the interview.

Jongin crosses his arms and puts them on the back of Kyungsoo’s seat, to the side of his right ear. The dancer leans his chin on his arms and peers down at the lines. “It’s two sentences. You’ll be fine. And I bet you’d make a great actor, Kyungsoo-hyung. You’re probably second only to me in your facial expressions while we’re performing,” he says, chuckling softly to himself because he’s half-joking in his self-flattery and half-serious in his very real praise for his hyung.

Kyungsoo scoffs but grins a sincere smile that reaches his eyes, turning the large round orbs into little crescents, as he fondly flicks Jongin’s head. “Yah, _Kai_. Easy on the arrogance, we’re not on-stage yet.” Jongin sits back in his seat, pleased that he got Kyungsoo to loosen up a little. He’s grown to admire the singer more over their debut preparations due to his great voice, meticulous nature, and strong efforts in everything he does. They’ve spent a fair amount of time together now, given that they’re roommates (with Chanyeol), and he feels confident in calling Kyungsoo a friend, even if not a particularly close one yet. Jongin respects him and feels a pull to know him more, but work comes first and everything’s been leading to this moment; maybe he’ll do something social and normal after this, like invite Kyungsoo along to coffee, just like he did when he first tried to get to know him once the group was announced. Man, it’s been forever since he’s done something simple like that. _‘It’s not like he’d have wanted to go for coffee if I’d thought to ask him last month anyway; he’s more of a workaholic than I am,’_ Jongin muses to himself. Perhaps it’s this similarity that most draws him to the singer...

.

.

.

They’re on stage introducing themselves. “WE ARE… ONE! Hello, we’re EXO!” Immediately after it’s out there, Jongin is cringing to himself about how loud and nervous they all sound. He takes a slow exhale to try and settle his nerves as Junmyeon says more.

Next, it’s time for Kyungsoo to introduce MAMA. Kai watches his teammate D.O intently. “Yes, our title song is MAMA, which is a song with a sup- a superior orchestra and… uh…” Leader Suho smoothly steps in, saying “it’s a track with a grand orchestral instrumental.”

Jongin can’t keep the Kai face on straight with D.O’s cute slip up. D.O is laughing cutely, shyly embarrassed with himself, but Jongin knows that Kyungsoo underneath is furious with himself and ashamed, even if it is a small mistake. _‘It’s gonna be okay, you’re about to sing and totally redeem yourself,’_  Jongin thinks.

Kai and Sehun come down to show the main dancing point of MAMA while D.O and Baekhyun sing along behind them. Kai gives an especially energetic head bob at the end to punctuate how great he knows they are as a group, and then turns around to climb back up on the riser behind D.O. As he passes him, Jongin whispers briefly, “You’re great. It was cute,” knowing Kyungsoo would understand what he meant. Kyungsoo’s soft sigh is full of both self-reproach and appreciation for Jongin’s thoughtfulness.

While the MCs outro to their pre-recorded performance of History, Jongin realizes he could have reversed it and it still would have been true. _‘You’re cute. It was great.’_

\--------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Waxing crescent

Kyungsoo: Waxing crescent

\--------------------------------

A/N:

  * The interview with Soo's slip up: <https://youtu.be/IF50qgU3h2I?t=10s>
  * Kyungsoo [talked about this bumble](http://fydk-translations.tumblr.com/post/138091827312/part-13-and-14-of-pikicast-piki-unforgettable-is) during a _Pure Love_ promotion last year, too
  * The infamous [predebut Kaisoo coffee pics](http://kai69-edme.tumblr.com/image/114748669358)



I love nonau and feel like there’s not enough out there, so I’m getting bogged down in some early moments. Hope you don't mind the short chapters - Kaisoo is just warming up and getting to know each other but we'll get into the real action super soon. I'm literally writing this and then posting right after because I want to get it all out (hence Ch 2 coming out the same day as Ch 1). Thanks for reading!


	3. First Quarter

MAMA Era

The story behind this:

 

Time for a fansign. Kyungsoo likes seeing the fans, he really does, but he’s been dreading this because of what his manager, Jaehyuk, told him when he pulled him aside the week before…

\--------------------------------------------------

“You need to ham it up some more for the fans.”

Kyungsoo quickly retorted, “I’ve always shunned aegyo, everyone knew this before I was even put in a group. I hate it.”

Jaehyuk huffed, clearly unsatisfied with that response. “Well, fine, but then you need more skinship with a member.”

The singer grimaced. “Why? That’s not really my style either.”

“I don’t care what _your_ style is: this is about D.O. You’re the most standoffish, fine, we’ll work within that, focus more on a manly image in general, but D.O still needs to be approachable, at least seem like it with one member so fangirls can imagine being that ONE special person who’d unlock D.O’s affections,” the manager ranted.

Kyungsoo sighed. He knew this was part of the idol package. He chewed his lip trying to think of an appropriate alternative or some way out.

“Look, you get along with your roommates, Jongin and Chanyeol, right? I never have to break up squabbles in your room.”

This was true. He’d started getting coffees with Jongin regularly during free times since the dancer first invited him along last month. It was now just routine, and a comfortable one at that, where both assumed that time was theirs to hang out together unless something came up.  It had become the default arrangement so much so that he’d been disappointed and even mildly… irked when Jongin told him last time he couldn’t go because he had promised to meet up with Taemin and Krystal whom he  hadn’t seen in forever. Kyungsoo was jealous… jealous of Jongin having such famous buddies, that’s all. Yeah, that’s all, no big deal…

He was startled out of his daydreaming by Jaehyuk’s impatient voice. “Right?”

“Huh?”

“You’re cool with Chanyeol?”

“Chanyeol? He’s alright, for an oversized muppet who can’t appreciate more than 5 seconds of silence.”

“Okay, so Jongin it is. I want to see skinship at the next fanmeet. End of discussion,” Jaehyuk hurriedly spit out the last two sentences and ran off to grab Sehun before he sprinted after a bubble tea catering cart that just passed them, pleading with him to, “remember the diet! You’re an idol now, for goodness sake - resist the tapioca craving!”

_‘Damn it,’_ Kyungsoo mentally cursed.

\---------------------------------------------

They’re all are up on stage now at the fanmeet. Kyungsoo wants to pretend he hasn’t been obsessing for a whole week over Jaehyuk’s instructions, because he’s not sure why he’s making such a big deal out of this. He should have just pulled Jongin aside, told him what Jaehyuk said, and then they’d both be on board with some kind of plan. Kyungsoo likes plans, thrives on plans. Why the hell doesn’t he have a plan?? And Jongin’s a total professional at this idol stuff: HE would have come up with a good plan so Kyungsoo wouldn’t have to worry over what to do right now. Oh crap – right now. He’s on stage RIGHT NOW. He can feel Kai staring at him, probably sensing he’s too much Kyungsoo and not enough D.O at the moment.

He looks back out into the crowd. It is amazing how many fans are showing up to support them, even though they're new to the scene. He can do this. _‘For them,’_ D.O says to himself, ignoring the meek whine from Kyungsoo inside who’s really unnecessarily nervous and making this into much too big of a deal. He pushes aside the shaky feelings about so vulnerably seeking Jongin’s attention and touch... mostly anyway. Then he notices Jaehyuk off on the side of the stage, with angry eyes boring into him in a very different way from how Kai’s felt just a moment ago, so he shuffles over to be closer to Kai, finally moved by fear of what Jaehyuk might say or do if he doesn’t get to it already. He reaches an arm around Kai’s back and puts a hand on his other arm in front.

_‘Is this… okay?’_ he wonders. D.O knows that Kai won’t care, not to the point of having a negative reaction on stage or anything. But Kyungsoo… Kyungsoo gazes at Jongin, taking him in, and his breathing stops. _‘He’s so beautiful. Wtf, don’t think about his chiseled jaw or radiant skin. And... he’s realized I’m touching him. Shit, oh no, abort.’_  He’s terrified of how the taller man stilled when he realized what the singer was doing. Kyungsoo looks away, not able to handle the look he might get from the dancer, and starts to retreat, shocked at his own physical reaction to touching and gazing at Jongin: JONGIN. Dammit, this is why he needed a plan! He should have been looking at him as Kai and being professional about it. Instead, now his adrenaline is spiking, he’s hearing his heartbeat thrum in his ears, and his palms are sweating. He can feel an intense look from the man beside him and gulps.

Kyungsoo’s about to die of embarrassment at his rash jump into unwanted skinship, _‘this is all Jaehyuk’s fault,’_ when the tanned male finally moves beside him, hand brushing against his hair as he drops his arm confidently on top of his shoulders. After lingering a moment, he slides his hand down the shorter man’s back and off. Kyungsoo’s resumed the calm D.O exterior but is softly crooning inside, just realizing how he leaned into Jongin’s touch on his head. _‘Why am I mooning over Jongin all of a sudden?’_ he starts to ask himself, but stops. Because he already knows the answer. And truthfully, it’s not all of a sudden.

\---------------------------------------------

Kai has always been the one to initiate skinship with D.O during their public appearances thus far. He’s done it from time to time because a) he knows it’s expected of him by management to be touchy-feely with members and b) D.O’s his favorite hyung in the group, so he’s a natural target. Ever since the Inkigayo bumble over the ‘superior orchestra’ (which Jongin never teases him about, but Chanyeol does relentlessly), Kyungsoo’s been so dialed in on being perfect in front of cameras by not speaking much and overanalyzing his every move that Jongin’s pretty sure his hyung hasn’t even noticed that Kai’s been giving subtle touches here and there. Or maybe he has but it’s been poorly received since it was never reciprocated or initiated by D.O. Whatever – Kai had backed off a bit more recently.

When he feels the singer’s arms around him out of nowhere at the fanmeet, Kai’s shocked. He feels a heavy gaze on him, and slowly grows more surprised as he feels like it’s Kyungsoo looking at him, and looking at him meaningfully even. When he turns to double-check, Kyungsoo’s already looked away. Jongin tries to puzzle it out for moment before reacting like he’s supposed to: he drops his arm around D.O in a comfortable manner, but sneaks in a slight brush of the short boy’s luscious hair while doing so. _‘Huh.’_ Jongin mentally shrugs it off as D.O just trying stuff out, but he’s glad his friend is feeling more comfortable in these kinds of public appearances to try new things. _‘One day, I’m gonna convince him to do more speaking in front of audiences again. I swear he’s got the best delivery; he really could make a great actor…’_

\-----------------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Waxing crescent

Kyungsoo: First Quarter and waxing on…

\--------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Here's the [video of this intense stare](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAtPn1vBkvI&app=desktop) by Kyungsoo and Jongin's reciprocation
>   * This was originally going to be only 4 chapters, but there were so many events I wanted to catalog, I just went with it. Most future ch include multiple events/references: Kaisoo took over, enjoy their whole life story, lol
> 



	4. Full Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re not familiar with the choreography from Angel, you might want to [watch the video ref first](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9HtQxFAIp0)

‘HIATUS’ era

 

Since promotions for MAMA stopped, it’s not that the group has had no work, but their work is much simpler and low key. No word yet on when they’re going to be doing another mini-album, but it’s been really nice to have this break so far. The group has been rehearsing some of their non-title tracks and working on the choreography for Angel a lot lately. Jongin notices that being out of the spotlight for a bit has been good for Kyungsoo. The singer seems no less serious about perfecting his performances, but the anxiety of being scrutinized on camera and in interviews appears to have receded for now. Jongin loves how light-hearted he can be during their breaks, rather than sitting aside looking burdened like he often was near the end of promotions.

Right now in the practice room, EXO-K is going over Angel again and again. On the 30th time through, Jongin can tell that Kyungsoo is starting to succumb to exhaustion a bit, though his hyung would never admit it. When Jongin starts his dance highlight in the 2nd verse, he impulsively decides to have some fun. He reaches out and tickles an unsuspecting Kyungsoo in the stomach, continuing on in his dance over toward Baekhyun without even missing a beat. Kyungsoo, on the otherhand, was caught completely off guard and falls down in a reflexive fit of laughter, which looks all the more ridiculous because Jongin was so quick and smooth with his tickle that no other members even saw it happen. “What the heck?!” Kyungsoo is yelping while giggling and still trying to get back up as the track keeps playing. Jongin’s already dancing back over his direction by the time Kyungsoo's just reached his feet, and so he gets him again, tickling the older’s right collarbone with a feather light touch of his fingers before pirouetting and moving off again. Kyungsoo shrieks again at the tickle, and this time jabs at Jongin while his arms are raised in mid-dance. In his eagerness to retaliate, Kyungsoo doesn’t bother to be subtle at all, and it ends up looking like he is trying to punch the dancer even though his intention was to tickle back. Junmyeon finally calls for the music to stop.

“Kyungsoo, what ARE you doing??” Their leader is confused and shocked at this uncharacteristic behavior from the normally focused perfectionist that is Do Kyungsoo. The other members are highly entertained but also sporting curious faces, all trained on him.

“It’s not ME, it’s HIM! Jongin’s goofing around and I was just paying him back,” Kyungsoo blurts out, voice higher pitched than normal, and while he sounds indignant, Jongin can tell the pale boy is still very much amused.

Jongin can’t help but crack a smile watching his friend all flustered in a good-natured way. Kyungsoo seems to notice this giddy grin out of the corner of his eye. Jongin makes sure to wait until they make eye contact, sporting the cheeky smile for one more lingering moment before biting his lip and putting on an innocent face.

“What are you talking about? Jongin’s dancing the routine just like he’s supposed to,” says Sehun. Baekhyun and Junmyeon give small nods of agreement as they turn back to Kyungsoo.

Jongin watches with glee as his hyung’s lovely brown orbs expand even further than usual in disbelief and then turn to fix on him. “No he wasn’t, he tickled me. Twice!” Kyungsoo looks at him accusingly and clearly expecting Jongin to step forward and admit it. _‘No chance,’_ Jongin thinks to himself. _‘This over-the-top reaction is just too good.’_ He opts to egg him on even further.

“Hyung, it’s okay if you need a break, but you didn’t need to collapse on the floor so dramatically or make up this excuse to cover up the fact that you’re tired. Let’s all just take a break, okay?” he says, turning to the others. The other members agree and head for water bottles or the restroom.

When Jongin dares to look back at his friend, Kyungsoo’s jaw has dropped and he has a lively, murderous look in his eyes. “YAH. What was that about??” Kyungsoo loudly accuses as he strides over to him, arm cocked back to potentially whack him on the arm.

Jongin quickly hugs him, pinning his arms down by his sides to prevent the good-natured smack that he knows he deserved. “You know I’m just playing with you. I had no idea how cute you get when you’re full of righteous indignation. I might have to tease my favorite hyung more often!” Jongin coos in a mocking tone. After chuckling at him for a moment, Jongin leans down to his left ear and whispers, “it’s so nice to see you happy” before he releases the shorter male from the hug. He notices Kyungsoo’s ears turn red, but he’s not sure if it’s out of anger or embarrassment of what he just went through.

 

(It’s neither…)

\----------------------------------------------------

Kyungsoo gives up. After that rehearsal in the practice room, he stops trying to fight off the butterflies in his stomach when he hears Jongin laugh. He accepts the thrum of his heart-beat quickening when they brush against each other or settle in together on the couch to watch music shows. It’s not like fighting the feelings were making them go away, anyway: he’d been trying that for a few months now. So instead, Kyungsoo gives himself permission to swoon over Jongin practicing his Kai faces in their room, to lovingly fuss over Jongin’s clothes before (and even during) public appearances, and to laugh like a smitten schoolgirl at all of Jongin’s corny jokes. Because he is smitten, and he doesn’t care anymore.

That rehearsal day really changed things for him. After getting over being ruthlessly ‘victimized’ by the practical joke Jongin pulled with the tickling, Kyungsoo was reflecting in the van ride home on how wonderful it felt to just react honestly around the tall, beautiful boy, how nice it had been to be held in that embrace, even if the intentions behind it were solely platonic from Jongin. He kept replaying the younger’s words in his mind.

_‘It’s so nice to see you happy.’_

It was nice to BE happy. And if Kyungsoo being happy made Jongin happy, then all he had to do was let himself revel in the younger’s presence. From that day on, every time they would perform Angel on stage, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but giggle and even sometimes flinch reflexively when Jongin’s dancing brought him close to him in the second verse. Jongin noticed and clearly enjoyed this playful inside joke they shared. Kyungsoo’s heart would swell every time at realizing that they had this affectionate secret behind the dancing. It might just look like fanservice to the crowds, but they both knew the story behind it, and Kyungsoo actually became grateful that Jongin hadn’t let anyone else in on it that day. Those little moments were theirs alone to share, and he treasured them, loving that they were set to a backdrop of such fitting lyrics…

 

“If we could just walk together like this,

Wherever we go, it’ll be heaven”

\-------------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: First quarter (bromance)

Kyungsoo: Full moon

\-------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Here's the vid of the [specific section of Angel ](https://youtu.be/K9HtQxFAIp0?t=1m9s)where Kaisoo routinely show this playful interaction
>   * Another [D.O focus fancam](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3faJ6IECv4) of this glorious performance, b/c there can never be too many of those
>   * I feel like I talk to much in the A/N, so I’ll just say that I love love love the song, the choreography, and the Kaisoo in Angel performances. Hope this gave you some warm and fuzzies.
> 



	5. Waxing, Waning

JUST BEFORE WOLF ERA

At first he’d thought he’d imagined it. Jongin had grown so accustomed to Kyungsoo freely laughing at his jokes and responding to his verbal provocations with a light-hearted retort and disapproving glare that quickly broke into eye smiles and sheepish grins. The first time one of his quips fell flat (to be fair, his imitation of Baekhyun’s dialect was pretty crummy that time), Jongin just figured Kyungsoo was distracted. But then he noticed Kyungsoo chose seats further away from him in the van, or passed on the chair he'd saved next to him in favor of sitting with Junmyeon. Jongin tried not to read too much into it but couldn’t help feeling pouty. Sehun still humored him and played around when Jongin was feeling goofy, but it wasn’t the same. He hadn’t realized how much those heart-shaped smiles directed at him brought sunshine into his life until they were suddenly rare and fleeting. Jongin noticed himself being more over the top and almost becoming Chanyeol-level obnoxious in volume sometimes when Kyungsoo was in the room. _‘When did I get so desperate for his attention?’_

The gravity of the situation doesn’t really hit him until they start to gear up for a new album. When they find out they’ll be promoting as a 12 member group this next round, the managers warn them they’ll be combining roommates to make space for the EXO-M members in the dorm. Jongin figures that since they already had 3 (himself, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol), they’ll get to keep their room just as is, so he is shocked when manager Jaehyuk tells him he’ll be moving into a room with Junmyeon and Jongdae.

“Why, hyung?”

“Well, I was struggling to figure out new room arrangements, and Kyungsoo requested to move rooms, so I thought that –“

“Wait, what. Kyungsoo said he didn’t want to room with me anymore?”

“No, he didn’t say that; for all I know, he’s sick of Chanyeol’s incessant chatter and that’s what spurred his decision. Or maybe he just wants to get to know the others better – he’s always seemed pretty close to you two, and I thought it made sense to shake things up a bit. No big deal, right?”

“…Right.” Jongin swallows thickly. _‘Why wouldn’t he talk with me about this first? I know Yeollie and I are pretty messy sometimes, but I didn’t think it was so bad he’d want to move rooms.’_ Jongin feels his breath catching and needs to get out of there fast. He excuses himself to the bathroom to get a moment of privacy.

He turns on the shower, hoping the steam will help clear his lungs. Everything feels constricted, like a vise is tightening around his windpipe. _‘I don’t have asthma, what the hell is this.’_ He doesn’t understand why he’s having such a visceral physical reaction to this news. He climbs in past the shower curtain and tries to relax as the shower spray pummels the back of his head and neck, water trickling down his body.

He tries to pin down the proper name for what he is feeling. Is he angry? Sort of, but that feeling is like a tiny flame compared to the bonfire of emotion that’s engulfing him. Disappointed? Yes, that was closer to the turmoil inside, but the word was much too feeble to describe it. _‘… heartbroken,’_ a voice in the back of his mind whispers. Somewhere along the way, he’d grown dependent on those beautiful brown eyes looking at him so fondly, full of joy and trust and confidence in him. Kyungsoo’s tender looks and mirthful laugh gave him life… and he’d taken it for granted. The weight of this realization falls heavily on Jongin’s shoulders, making the shower stream feel like Niagara Falls thundering against him and causing him to sink to his knees. Alone there on the tub floor, the tears dripping down his face mix with the water and swirl down the drain. For the moment, he forgets everything else, all the practical implications of this realization, and just allows himself to sob and feel the deep pain associated with this loss, knowing he won’t have much time. Sure enough, one minute later, Jongdae is knocking on the door and complaining of “needing to piss like a race horse!”

“Almost done,” Jongin calls out as he gathers himself up, takes a deep sigh, and turns off the shower. He tries to choke down the tears that are still flowing as he towels himself off. _‘Just focus on work for now. You can think about it later.’_

He opens the bathroom door and is greeted with a friendly, Cheshire-cat grin. “Hi, roomie,” Jongdae says, bouncing past him into the bathroom and straight to the toilet, not bothering to wait for Jongin to get all the way out before unzipping his pants. Jongin, worried the other might question his red eyes, forces himself to chuckle and move quickly out of the room, averting his eyes but trying to adopt a care-free demeanor. “Hey, Jongdae. I know I’m hot, but try to keep little Chen in your pants when I’m around.”

“YAH, Kim Jongin! I had to pee and you made me wait til you were out of the shower instead of just staying in there and letting me come in!! Ugh, inconsiderate jerk,” he exclaims but without any real bite behind it.

“Or maybe you could be better potty trained than a 3 year old rather than blaming your weak bladder on Jongin,” Kyungsoo retorts as he walks past in the hallway. Jongin can’t help it: his eyes fix on the short, dark haired boy, trying to decipher this protective kindness that was just thrown his way. Kyungsoo never even glances at him, though, eyes trained on sheet music he’s reading while on the way to the kitchen.

Jongin’s heart lurches after him, but his feet remain planted where they are. _‘I miss you, hyung… Please look at me again. I promise I’ll return those gazes. It can’t be too late, can it?’_

\----------------------------

As Kyungsoo works on his new song assignment in his room later while his new roommates, Sehun and Luhan, are out getting food, he remembers intervening on Jongin’s behalf earlier in the day. It’d been a while since he acted protectively towards him. _‘I wonder if he’s even noticed. Probably not- geez stop it. You’ve been over this and it’s done,’_ Kyungsoo scolds himself, trying not to remember but going back to the memory anyway.

It was just a month earlier. They were going to an event and needed to have new ‘talents’ to do for the fans, so he was trying to pick a song snippet to sing. Jaehyuk had suggested he pick an American song since his English was probably the best in the group, and it could help raise the group’s profile with international Kpop fans. Searching through some of the top Billboard albums over the past year, Kyungsoo started listening to Justin Bieber’s _Believe_ album on his laptop in his room. He liked the tune of one song… “Catching Feelings.” He looked up a Korean translation of the lyrics and flushed.

“Whatcha listening to, hyung?” asked Jongin, flopping down on Kyungsoo’s bed next to him and leaning his shoulder against his.

Kyungsoo grinned and leaned back into Jongin. “It’s a Bieber song. I’m trying to figure out what I might sing at our event next week.”

“You should definitely sing this one. It totally suits you, hyung,” Jongin said while he opened up a bag of snacks he got from under Kyungsoo’s bed. “Sing it to me.”

“N-n-now? I haven’t practiced it at all, though.”

“You know I don’t care about that; I always love hearing your voice.”

Kyungsoo flushed and quickly closed the Korean lyrics, pulling up the English ones instead. He crooned:

“The sun comes up on another morning  
My mind never wakes up without you on it  
And it's crazy to me, I even see you in my dreams  
Is this meant to be? Could this be happening to me?  
  
We been best of friends since we were this high  
So why do I get nervous every time you walk by  
We would be on the phone all day  
Now I can't find the words to say to you  
Now what am I supposed to do?  
  
Could it be a possibility  
I'm trying to see what's up  
'Cause I'm made for you, and you for me  
Baby, now it's time for us  
Tryna keep it all together  
But enough is enough  
They say we're too young for love  
But I'm catching feelings”

When he finished, he couldn’t help but feel like he just confessed to Jongin. He shyly glanced at the boy next to him to gauge his reaction.

“Perfect. The fangirls will love it. What’s the song about? Sappy love no doubt,” Jongin chuckled.

His response was perfectly normal, perfectly appropriate for someone who didn’t know English… and didn’t know the extent of Kyungsoo’s feelings for him. And for that reason, Kyungsoo felt himself die a little bit inside. Determined not to show it but feeling his expression betray him a little bit already, he smacked Jongin gently on the arm and told him to get lost so he could practice. Oblivious, Jongin left with a simple encouraging, “yeah, yeah, you always kill it on stage. But go ahead and practice.”

He tried practicing that night but his voice kept breaking as he tried to keep back the tears over his one-sided love…

 

At the event a week later, Kyungsoo’s voice cracked when he sang it, unable to separate his own feelings from the delivery of the song. Mortified, he bent into a deep apologetic bow to the crowd, cursing at himself and trying to wipe away the emotions. _‘Just sing the damn song. Forget about him for a moment.’_ Impossible, because there was Jongin (well, Kai actually), there consoling D.O. _‘Don’t…’_ Kyungsoo thought. _‘You’re making this too hard…’_

Kai was ignorant of the fact that his skinship towards D.O, as he rubbed his arm soothingly, was actually having the opposite of his intended effect. Rather than feeling calmed, Kyungsoo felt like Kai was reaching in and directly shattering his heart into a million pieces. Kai treated D.O with such intimacy and tenderness that Kyungsoo knew he wouldn’t get from Jongin. Friendly banter and brotherly closeness? Sure, but that’s all he could ever really hope for. And for the past 6 months, that had been enough, enough to let Kyungsoo’s heart soar and just pretend that even if it wasn’t there right now for Jongin, it might be some day. But not anymore. Kyungsoo felt like he’d just be torturing himself if he let himself keep dreaming of anything more but friendship with him. _‘Let go of him. Let go of the hope of ‘one day’ – you’re hurting yourself too much,’_ he fiercely instructed his heart. Steeling himself, he started the song again and sang only to the crowd, no longer to the boy next to him with the playful heart and sun-kissed skin…

Later that night, he asked Jaehyuk for a new room arrangement as soon as was feasible. During the past few weeks before the room switch actually happened, he just tried to sit elsewhere at meals and in the van and go to bed early to avoid too many one-on-one run ins with Jongin while he got over his crush (that’s what he was naming it: a silly crush that he’d nurtured irresponsibly). It helped, too. Things got better.

 

Kyungsoo shakes himself out of the memories. He’d made the right decision, he knew. It was a lot easier now, keeping Jongin at a distance without trying to be overly cold towards the boy. Plus, Jongin never even confronted him about his sudden cooling of their friendship. Sure, Kyungsoo still cares for him, but his feelings were under control and squarely classified as friendly. 

 _‘Back to work,’_ he thinks. _‘You’ve got to record this next week. The song looks good, and I’ll get to do a little falsetto. It’ll be nice to guest vocal on another group’s track and maybe even make some friends outside of EXO for once._ Goodbye, Summer… _cool song name.’_

\----------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Waxing gibbous

Kyungsoo: Waning gibbous (though he thinks he’s all the way to Third Quarter)

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Video reference of Kyungsoo messing up and Jongin consoling him: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ve20eRb8k0>
> 
> Hope you liked the mini-cliffhanger! Krystal makes a real appearance next chapter – are you excited? I’m finally getting into the story that I originally planned on writng: sorry I got distracted with so much set up. (Kaisoo is quite the rabbit hole lol). I hope the background makes the story richer.
> 
> Please comment and let me know if you like the direction this is going or if you find anything confusing!


	6. Bad Moon on the Rise

Ch 6 – Bad Moon on the Rise…

JUST BEFORE WOLF ERA

Kyungsoo is in the recording studio, going over his verse of “Goodbye, Summer” with the producer. He’s done about 5 takes, and they’re both almost satisfied with it, agreeing to go for one more. Right before he starts, he sees members of f(x) wander into the studio through the clear windows of the booth. He starts to greet his sunbaes, bowing low, and they respond with quick bows as Amber apologizes on their behalf. “Sorry! We didn’t realize you were in the booth – thought we caught you at a break. Please, continue. I’m excited to hear how it sounds with male vocals, haha,” Amber gushes in a friendly manner.

 _‘Oh that’s right. She wrote this,’_ Kyungsoo remembers. “Ah, I hope I don’t disappoint you, Amber-sunbaenim. I think we just figured out the first verse, and I hope I do it justice.” Amber waves off his polite concerns while Krystal whispers something to Luna that Kyungsoo can’t quite catch. “You’ll be great, Kyungsoo-ssi.”

The music cues up, and Kyungsoo does his best to not be nervous and just sing with the same warm, reminiscent tone he had been practicing earlier.

As he finishes the section, he hears Krystal stage whisper to Amber, “Wow, he’s nailed it.” Luna nods enthusiastically as Amber praises him directly, “That’s perfect! I knew your vocals could really capture the mood I was going for when I wrote the song, but you really embodied the emotion behind it, too. Very cool.” The producer agrees, gives him a thumbs up, and motions for him to come out of the booth to join them.

Kyungsoo maneuvers around the tight space, not really made for 5 people, and tries not to jostle anyone. The girls slide closer together on the couch to make space for him, with Luna on the far side, Amber, and then Krystal who’s closest to him and now inviting him to take the seat on the end. “I’m glad you all could come. I’d heard that we might have to do all of our recordings separately due to your busy schedules.” Kyungsoo finds himself feeling nervous and fidgety in front of his successful sunbaes in the industry, even if he is older than them. The producer has started discussing details in earnest with Amber, and Kyungsoo can’t even see Luna now, so he focuses his attention on Krystal next to him. _‘Relax. They seem nice, and Krystal is Jongin’s friend, so maybe she’ll be easy to talk to.’_

Krystal’s responds casually, “Yeah, we’ve been pretty swamped preparing for this album, but we wanted to make recording together a priority to get the harmonies perfect… You’re good friends with Jongin, right?”

Kyungsoo smiles warmly. “Yeah, I put up with his nonsense better than most, I suppose.”

Krystal snorts in amused understanding. “Okay, yeah, you clearly do know him. He’s great but sometimes he’s a bit too much like his puppies, all hyper and goofy and crap.”

“Totally. And his aegyo whining – it’s endearing sometimes but more often makes me want to hit him.” _(‘You’re full of crap, even if that’s your general take on it with others, you loved when Jongin was needy towards you,’_ says a voice in the back of his head, which he promptly ignores. _)_

“Ugh, tell me about it. Then again, I just hate aegyo in general. I keep hoping they’ll stop asking me to do it as I get older because I just can’t stand it. I’m more the ‘stare people down and make them think I’ve got a voodoo doll with their name on it’ type,” Krystal deadpans.

“Nice. I’ve been told I pull off a mean or bored ‘fuck off’ look a lot better than aegyo concepts as well, which I’m about 1000 times more comfortable with,” Kyungsoo says with a smirk. They lapse into comfortable silence, just sizing each other up and appreciating how much they’re on the same page. _‘She’s cool,’_ he thinks. _‘I wonder if Jongin gets along with both of us because of our similarities.’_

The producer asks Krystal to get into the booth to record her part, and Kyungsoo gives her an encouraging smile. He was right: it was nice to hang out with people outside his group for once.

\-----------------

**EXO GETS THEIR FIRST WIN WITH “WOLF!”**

[+700, -14] They deserve it - they spent the year between releases working hard. Good job, EXO.

[+799, -152] I mean, at first, I couldn't stand the song, but now I can't help but howl along. What is this dark magic??

[+502, -30] The MVs were really good. The drama ver was corny but highly entertaining, keke.

 

**“GROWL” ROCKS THE NATION: IS EXO OFFICIALLY THE REPRESENTATIVE KPOP BOY BAND?**

[+976, -20] I don't care who you are and how you feel about Kpop: this song is dope.

[+435, -125] Yassss, EXO saranghae!

[+366, -64] Will be on repeat for basically forever.

 

2013 has officially been too good to be true. After all the years of training, all the hard work promoting like crazy the year before, things are finally paying off, and Jongin almost can’t believe his luck. His group is on top, and the feeling is unbelievable. His professional life is at an all time high, and he doesn’t dare to dream it’ll last forever, but the future for the next few years as SM’s “it” group and money maker is looking blindly bright. As for his personal life, he really can’t complain. Winning helps the members gel even more; after all, it’s easier to get along when everyone’s in a good mood and they all share so many reasons to smile more, laugh more readily, and protect each other from the swarms of sometimes crazy fans or anti-fans. Jongin’s worried the mobs might swallow up and steal away one of the smaller members some day in an airport and no one will notice until it’s too late. For that reason, he tends to stick close to his best friend’s side in busy crowds, much to the fangirls’ delight it seems…

Speaking of Kyungsoo, things have been really good between them lately. Jongin nursed his broken heart over the loss of Kyungsoo's attention for a few weeks leading up to their Wolf promotions, but he did so privately, and somewhere along the way, Kyungsoo actually returned to him. Well, sort of. It was clearly as a friend, and nothing more, which included a lot of brotherly scolding and fussing around the dancer when he’d hurt his back again from practicing too long, but they were back to great friends like they had been at debut promotions, and Jongin was really thankful they’d salvaged their relationship. Though, he couldn’t pin point what exactly had gone wrong before, couldn’t identify what had turned the tide from receiving adoring looks from his hyung to an abrupt cold shoulder + roommate change. Part of him thinks Kyungsoo got tired of him being oblivious to his affection and just moved on, and part of Jongin wonders if his own realization of his more-than-platonic feelings towards the other caused him to _imagine_ that Kyungsoo once had feelings for him, to protect his own ego or something. In any case, things with them were good now. Comfortable. Both were close friends, and that’s all either wanted. It was a relief to be on the same page again.

All this is flickering through Jongin’s mind as he travels with his members to their SMTOWN concert performance. He’s excited to share the stage with the other SM groups (and see his friends from them like Taemin and Krystal), and especially proud that EXO is really contributing and able to stand proudly beside their senior groups as an official success now, rather than rookies that are relying on their seniors to grow in popularity. He knows the other groups are more than willing to help, and that’s the nature of the biz, but he hated feeling like leeches who were riding the coattails of Super Junior’s graciousness without giving back. “It’s going to be so much better this year,” he says aloud without realizing it.

Kyungsoo, sitting next to him in the van, smiles at him and locks eyes with him. “I know _exactly_ what you mean,” he states, and the soft look in his rich brown eyes suggests he really does. “We’ve worked really hard, and wanting to stand on our own is only natural for us. Not out of arrogance or wanting to show others we don’t need them, just… not wanting to burden anyone else, and being able to bring in our own fans to help with revenue that can help everyone in the company. To be self-sufficient… I dunno, it makes me feel like a real man, finally full grown and not a child anymore…” Kyungsoo trails off, as both continue holding eye contact with fond looks on their faces. Jongin loves that he’s so candid with him, knowing he wouldn’t share this with most others out of fear of being misunderstood, and Jongin loves how in sync they are with their determination and pride in their work.

But for whatever reason, maybe it’s the excitement of the pending performance making him feel feisty, Jongin only lets his appreciation remain evident for few moments longer before shooting back, “Geez, old man, I was just thinking how great it will be to have so many more EXO fans there this year, screaming my name.” He rolls his eyes to break eye contact and try to fully pull off the cool star persona, but he leaves just enough mirth in the statement for Kyungsoo to know he’s playing.

“Pffft, whatever, _KAI._ ” Kyungsoo scoffs good-naturedly, not having missed the twinkle in the younger’s eye. He lowers his voice, both in volume and in pitch so it’s a deep whisper that floats into Jongin’s ear. “I see right through you.”

Jongin knows he does, and he loves it. He bites his lower lip trying to disguise his smile as he looks out the window.

\-------------------------------------

Backstage, Kyungsoo is getting ready with f(x) to do their joint stage. “Hey, long time no see,” Krystal says to him casually. To anyone else, it might seem like an aloof greeting, but Kyungsoo gets Krystal and responds in kind, “yeah, it’s been a while. How are things for the Ice Queen?”

“Eh, you know. How about for you, Satan Soo?” she fires back nonchalantly.

Kyungsoo can’t quite keep the stony persona going and cracks a smile at the nickname. “Okay, okay, we both pull off the ‘reserved glare’ flawlessly. But I’ve got an idea.”

Krystal quirks an eyebrow in interest with a half-smile on her lips. “And what’s that.”

“Goodbye, Summer is an innocent, reflective love song. I don’t think our ‘devour their souls’ or ‘cold indifference’ stage looks are going to work with this one.”

“I’m NOT doing aegyo,” Krystal states firmly.

“Ew, gross. No. Not that far, I was just thinking we could try to do longing, lovey dovey faces instead. Without cracking up at each other. A challenge if you will. What do you think?”

Krystals eyes light up a bit with mischievous fire at the word ‘challenge.’ “You’re on. You laugh, you lose. Also, even if we both make it through the stage flawlessly, if there are fan comments that someone couldn’t handle the other’s gaze as well and seemed to get flustered or look away because of it, that person loses. Winner gets the cash value of the other’s next fan gift.”

“Deal.”

\--------------------------------------------

Jongin had forgotten that his friends were doing a stage together, and gets excited when he hears f(x) introducing their song with Kyungsoo. “Woooo!” he yells from backstage, even though he knows his friends can’t hear him. He’s watching the backstage monitors which are set to the central camera that gets the best mid-range shots of the stage for the DVD, so you can see the whole performance rather than just cuts of people's faces. _(‘What is with the crazy, constant-zoom camera work these days,’ he muses to himself.)_

He feels pride well up in him upon hearing Kyungsoo’s rich voice fill the stadium. Man, he loves the velvety tones in his voice. _‘Go Krystal,’_ he thinks, as her part comes in. The smile on his face slowly fades, though, as the song progresses. _‘What. Why’s she looking at him like that? What the fuck, Krystal doesn’t do sweet and bashful, she hates that shit.’_ His internal language gets harsh quickly, as does his breathing. Anger is welling up inside him, inexplicably as he notices that Kyungsoo’s returning her looks with soft, doe-eyed ones as well. Jongin hears the lyrics wash over him:

 

"We couldn’t say what we wanted,  
Just like that hot summer, goodbye

The friend label  
is a label that I got to hate  
The feelings I’ve hidden still remain  
as a painful secret memory  
The photos that can’t define  
our relationship is a heartbreaking story  
I’m sorry, summer, now goodbye, yeah"

 

 _‘Holy shit. Did something happen between them last summer when they recorded?’_ Jongin’s mind is racing, and he can’t keep up with the surge of his emotions, trying to sort out why he’s mad ( _‘because they didn’t tell you and they’re supposed to be your friends,’_ some rational voice in the back of his brain tries to throw him a lifeline), which one he’s more mad at, and what this really means. All he really knows by the end of the song is that he’s so worked up, he’s about to combust, and he’s got to pick which one is going to feel his wrath (first, at least). Without thinking, his body picks for him and he storms up to the unsuspecting person as they wander in backstage.

“Jongin! Hey, what’s wrong?”

“YOU!” Jongin explodes as he grabs the poor performer who’s still out of breath from the jog off stage. “I need to talk to you,” he growls as he stomps into an empty dressing room, dragging his captive with him.

\----------------------------------

Phases (up until the last scene, anyway):

Jongin: Third Quarter (solid brotherly love)

Kyungsoo: Third Quarter (solid brotherly love)

\----------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Video reference of Kyungsoo and Krystal up on stage: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiKB1fzhFKo>
> 
> I hope you like Krystal’s character here! Like I said from the outset, this fic does NOT hate on Krystal. I never read any fanfics with Krystal in it, so if you think my perceptions of her are way off or different from others, sorry, but this is how she fits into the story in my head.
> 
> I plan to keep posting 1 to 2 ch per day until this fic is fully up. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think about the story so far :) (I always reply to comments ^^)


	7. Blood Moon

Continued from the last chapter...

 

Jongin slams the door shut behind them and starts in with the questions immediately, without even registering what he’s asking or why. “What happened last summer?”

“What are you talking about?” pants the other, eyes widening, overwhelmed at Jongin’s intensity and still out of breath from being dragged briskly into the empty dressing room.

“Don’t play dumb with me – you know exactly what I’m talking about. What was that out there on stage?”

“Huh? You’re going to have to be more specific. I just went and sang a song. What, was it bad or something?”

“Did something happen between you two?” Jongin can’t hold it in any longer. He has to know, and he has to know right now, even if he’s not sure exactly what he’s going to do with the information. His eyes bore into the other’s, scrutinizing them and their reaction to this question in search of the truth. Somewhere in the process of this inquisition, he ends up backing his prey up against the door, towering above the alarmed person.

“…what?” the other whispers, gulping and stilling as the question sinks in.

“Oh my God. Something did happen.”

“NO. Why would you—“ Jongin interrupts by grabbing the speaker by the shoulders and pinning them against the door roughly.

“DO YOU LIKE HER?” Jongin practically spits the question at Kyungsoo, brows furrowing as he stares the older down. Kyungsoo is taking entirely too long to answer the question. His chest is heaving up and down, and his bottom lip is quivering, but his eyes are locked onto Jongin’s, staring straight into him as if he’s trying to decipher the dancer’s soul and mind with this one deep look.

“You’re jealous,” Kyungsoo states. It’s not a question; he says it with such clear conviction and finality that Jongin opens his mouth to retort but finds he can’t argue back. Their faces are only a few inches apart, having drawn closer to each other during the time Kyungsoo took to answer the question. _‘Wait, he didn’t answer the question, he avoided it,’_ Jongin thinks, and he continues closing in on the smaller, dominance roiling off his larger frame as though he could intimidate him into getting an answer.

When there’s no more than an inch separating them, Kyungsoo finally breaks the magnetic eye contact they’d been sharing, flickering down at his feet before returning to his face and asking, with a hint of animosity and just the slightest narrowing of his eyes, “Is it because you like her?”

Jongin’s not sure what to make of this. Is Kyungsoo asking because he’s concerned about _competition_ to win over Krystal, or because…

“HER?!?” It comes out angrier and more frustrated than Jongin meant it to. He can’t think when he’s feeling Kyungsoo’s breaths ghosting over his face at this close distance, and before he realizes what he’s doing, Jongin crashes his heated lips onto Kyungsoo’s. He’s so driven by his need to crush away any more talk of Krystal that he assaults those heart-shaped lips firmly for a solid 5 seconds before disconnecting only to kiss him again, and again, and again in a frenzied series of hot kisses. Jongin’s arms are sliding down now from where they had pinned Kyungsoo’s shoulders to the door to his wrists instead, moving on their own accord as it finally registers that Kyungsoo has started kissing him back just as fervently. Jongin interlocks their fingers in each hand as he breaks their lips apart for a moment to breathe. Still not wanting to lose any physical contact with the other, he remains just as close, foreheads pressed together and resting his nose on the other’s cheek as he grabs some much needed oxygen. His eyes are still closed, reeling so much from the moment that he’s pretty sure he’d be dizzy if he tried to open them. He feels their chests heaving together at a rapid pace and then feels the other start to try and speak.

“Wait –“ pants Kyungsoo, but Jongin doesn’t want to wait and doesn’t let him finish his thought as he dives back in, this time taking advantage of Kyungsoo's mouth being open mid-sentence to slide his tongue inside and caress Kyungsoo’s. He moans softly in reaction, and Jongin is spurred on by the sound, kissing him more deeply and crushing him further into the door with his whole body, his right leg sliding between Kyungsoo’s. He gasps and pulls their hands, still interlaced, up onto Jongin’s chest and pushes him back just enough so he can open his eyes and look into the other’s again, gaze flickering from one eye to the other as he speaks quickly to avoid getting cut off again.

“Wait, Jongin. What is this? What are we doing?” he heaves out in between deep gasps. Kyungsoo’s voice is raspy from all of the kissing and panting they’ve been engaged in, and Jongin can’t handle this new sexy voice _at all._

“I don’t know… but I don’t want to stop,” he admits earnestly. “We’ll talk about it later,” he tries to say definitively as he pushes Kyungsoo’s hands above his head against the door hoping to get him to submit to his advances, but waiting to make sure he agrees with his reckless suggestion to just indulge themselves now and deal with the fallout later.

“Oh God,” Kyungsoo whimpers as he closes his eyes and tips his head up to capture Jongin’s lips first this time, reconnecting their mouths in a wet, ardent kiss, and surrendering to the passionate fervor that had already enveloped the two the moment they entered the room…

\--------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Full Moon

Kyungsoo: Full Moon

\----------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A blood moon is another way to describe a lunar eclipse, and I thought the imagery fit with the intense desire in the chapter.
> 
> This was the point in the story where someone submitted my fic to KFR, so I had written this ch quickly to put it out there as a thanks. The chapters start to get longer after this point.
> 
> Btw, I'm on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo) and [Tumblr](http://at1stsoo.tumblr.com) if you want to say hi ^^ Thanks for reading/kudos/commenting!


	8. In the Still of the Night

POST-MIRACLES IN DECEMBER ERA (still)

 

 

Exhilarated: It’s the only way to describe Kyungsoo’s current state. He can’t believe his luck, and he’s literally racing through the building to find the one person who has to know first. Kyungsoo gets to the practice room hallway and starts flinging doors open recklessly, desperate to find him. The first room is empty. The second room is not.

“Kyungsoo!” Amber greets him, clearly surprised at how he’s practically ripped the door off the hinges in his haste to get it open. All of the f(x) members are looking at him standing there in the doorway looking like he’s run a marathon.

“Hi! Sorry, I’m just looking for someone – sorry to interrupt!” Kyungsoo starts to close the door and run to the next one when he notices Krystal giving him a _‘what the hell’_ look with a quirky eyebrow to go with the glare, and he realizes how rude and bizarre he’s being. He freezes for a moment.

“What’s up with you?” she asks, equal parts curious and disgusted by his obviously giddy demeanor.

“I got a –“ Kyungsoo starts but stops himself. “No, I’m sorry, I’ll tell you later. I promise. But right now, I’ve got to find him. Bye!” He makes sure to bow politely to the group and gives Krystal a smile and meaningful look that says he really will find her later to talk.

 

He’s only slightly more cautious at the third practice room, finding it also empty when he peeks in. When he gets to the fourth door, he’s finally rewarded for his efforts. Jongin is dancing, working on some solo Kyungsoo has never seen him practice before. Normally, Kyungsoo would sit down quietly and enjoy watching Jongin's fluid movements, but today, he can’t wait. He rushes to him from behind, picks him up by his waist, lifts him off the ground, and spins them both around.

“Whoa! What—“ Jongin exclaims and turns around when Kyungsoo puts him down, hands still resting on the dancer’s hips.

He looks up at Jongin with a blindingly wide smile. “I got the part! They’ve cast me in _Cart_.”

“Of course they did! Oh my gosh, that’s amazing! You’re amazing,” Jongin gushes. He pulls Kyungsoo into a hug with the two of them laughing mirthfully, and then leans back to look him in the eyes. There’s a beat of silence as they stand there, both with impossibly huge smiles, delighting in each other’s joy. Then there's a hesitation, as Kyungsoo looks at Jongin with questioning eyes. _‘Can I?’_ he's wondering internally, as his finger pads press lightly into the tan skin on the other’s hips. Kyungsoo moves in slowly to gauge his reaction, and gains courage when he sees Jongin’s eyes flutter shut in anticipation.

The kiss is languid, but heavy, intense from the get go. Kyungsoo tugs on Jongin’s hips to pull him flush to himself, and the taller let’s out a breathy “ha” as they collide together. A moment later, though, Jongin is peeling himself off and turning away. Kyungsoo’s stomach drops, and a variety of thoughts tumble through his mind. _‘Oh no, I went too far. Should I apologize? Blame it on the high of the casting news?’_

Before he can decide what to say, though, Jongin has reached the door. _‘Shit. He’s leaving, this is bad, think of something quick--‘_

The room plunges into darkness, interrupting Kyungsoo’s thoughts. A streak of moonlight filtering through the window offers the only illumination now, providing a subdued glow to the room. He hears a quiet click of the door’s lock, and then Jongin is striding back to him and running fingers along his cheek, tenderly. “So we don’t have to worry about being disturbed,” he whispers softly in the Kyungsoo's ear. Jongin is then nuzzling the side of his face, kissing along his sideburn and up along his hairline to the top of his forehead.

Kyungsoo hums in appreciation and strokes the back of the younger’s neck, confidence and desire returning. “I had to tell you first, you know,” he says while kissing Jongin’s throat, enjoying feeling his Adam’s apple bob up and down as Jongin gulps in reaction to the arousal.

“Why’s that?”

Kyungsoo’s hands are roaming over Jongin's toned back now, and guiding him down onto the floor as he kisses him assertively. “Because you’re the one who’s always encouraged me to get into acting, telling me I’d be good at it.” After dominating another passionate kiss, he pulls back a little to let Jongin breathe but stays looming over the younger, who’s now lying on the floor.

“You’re good at everything you do,” pants Jongin, and Kyungsoo is not sure if he’s being cheeky or just relaying his honest feelings. He wants to believe it’s the latter when they’re together like this, having secret rendezvouses in the still of the night. He tugs up on Jongin's shirt and starts peppering his abs with kisses and occasional nips followed by swirls of his tongue. “Soo,” Jongin keens, and Kyungsoo stops wasting what little time they likely have. Jongin’s head drops back and he stares at the clouds on the practice room curtains as Kyungsoo takes him to cloud nine…

 

\----------------------------

 

Despite his claim that they would “talk about it later,” they never have. Talked, that is. Jongin knows it’s largely his fault. Kyungsoo, the ever responsible one, had tried to get them to figure out what this was when Jongin first kissed him backstage during the SMTOWN concert, but Jongin had convinced him to put it off. (And neither one is complaining about that particular decision given what they were able to do instead, before manager Jaehyuk came banging on the door in a furor, having been looking for them for the ending stage.)

Because they weren’t roommates anymore, they couldn’t exactly have a private conversation about it in the dorms. And they were filming their Showtime variety any time that they weren’t performing on Gayo Dajeun or other year end shows. Jongin had only been able to get Kyungsoo alone one other time so far, at the end of the company’s New Year’s Eve party when the crowd had thinned out at 1am, leaving a darkened back hallway empty, and both were a little too tipsy (and Jongin a little too handsy) to have a serious talk. Rather than conversing, their mouths started communicating in other ways, and the only words being spoken were incoherent utterances and each other’s names…

So Jongin was secretly thrilled when Kyungsoo came barreling into his practice room that night, seeking him out and making the first move. Sure, Kyungsoo had been receptive to his additional touches on camera and even reciprocated with his own affectionate skinship, but Jongin was careful not to read _too_ much into D.O’s actions there, seeing as how he was tolerating other member’s arms around him sometimes as fan service as well. Jongin hadn’t told any of the other members what had happened, and he was positive Kyungsoo hadn’t either. He wasn’t even sure what he’d say about it if he _wanted_ to tell someone else. _“Yeah, so lately, I’ve been throwing myself at Kyungsoo-hyung whenever I’m alone with him, and luckily, he seems into it, too.”_

Things were really good right now: really hot when they happened to meet up alone, and really wonderful when they were just being best friends in the presence of the rest of the group, too. Jongin is hesitant to rock the boat with any soul-searching, what-does-this-mean talk. He supposes this makes them ‘friends with benefits’ right now. _‘With really, **really** good benefits,’ _ he muses as he watches Kyungsoo across the room getting changed into tight black skinny jeans for a performance.

A coordi noona is touching up his hair and make-up and can tell Kai’s not listening to her as she’s giving him instructions, lost in his own world. “Whatcha thinking about, Kai?” she says loudly to get his attention with a hint of impatience laced in her voice.  Kyungsoo looks over and catches Jongin staring at him. Their eyes lock and the older tilts his head to the side a bit, like he’s trying to puzzle out the meaning behind Jongin’s stare.

“Just some reliving some pleasant memories,” he says evasively, eyes never dropping contact with his hyung’s as he smirks a little. Kyungsoo blushes mildly and wets his lips subconsciously as he turns away to grab his outfit’s accessories.

“Well stop it for a minute,” she scolds him good-naturedly. “Your hair is just not cooperating today but I don’t want to overdo the gel. I need to you to help keep it in place here.” She grabs Kai’s hand and starts to bring it up to his hair when a different set of fingers suddenly slides between them, breaking her contact with Kai’s, and wraps around the tanned palm, bringing it back down to rest on the side of the dressing chair.

“I can help. I’m already finished getting ready,” says Kyungsoo smoothly, his hand lingering for a moment on top of Jongin’s on the chair before retreating with a soft caress.

“Okay great – can you just keep it pushed back off his forehead while the gel sets? Not too hard, though. It’s supposed to stay upswept, not plastered to his head.” The coordi noona rushes off to help Baekhyun who’s fixing (aka ruining) his eyeliner, complaining that it’s too subtle.

Kyungsoo cards his fingers through Jongin’s hair repeatedly to keep it up and back like he was told. Jongin looks up at him with a glint in his eye, and presses his lips together as he softly purrs in response to the touch. Kyungsoo gives an experimental tug on the ends of the younger’s locks, and his pupils dilate a little in his warm brown eyes when Jongin lets out a breathy gasp. The fiery look only lasts a moment though, and Kyungsoo goes back to just rubbing his fingertips along his scalp as he keeps fondling the hair to keep it upswept. Jongin is mildly embarrassed, knowing he was being too obvious and probably too loud, causing Kyungsoo to scale back so they avoid attracting attention. _'He's so sensible: It's admirable and yet so frustrating,'_ Jongin pines internally, recognizing his emotional impulsivity in contrast to his hyung's more careful, purposeful affection. Kyungsoo has an amused smile in place now as he talks.

“Can I give you some friendly advice?”

“Hmmm?”

“Pay attention when that noona’s talking to you. You don’t want to get on her bad side.”

“And why’s that?”

“Remember all those horrific shirts with outrageous sleeves I had to wear during Wolf promotions? Yeah, that was because I added extra hairspray to myself once after she told me not to mess with her ‘masterpiece,’” Kyungsoo says with a grimace.

Jongin cracks up, not knowing that particular story since they were still working their way back to friends at that time. “You’re kidding!”

“Hey, those clothes were no joke,” Kyungsoo deadpans, grumbling as he recalls the humiliation. “Ugh, I hate being an idol sometimes.”

“Aw, don’t say that. You love being an idol, working ridiculously hard, nailing stage performances, wearing puffy mariachi band shirts,” – he receives a swat from Kyungsoo for that one – “hanging out with me…” Jongin trails off. Kyungsoo stops running his fingers through his hair, dragging them slowly down the back of Jongin’s neck now as the two men gaze at each other fondly. Jongin feels his body moving forward on autopilot, completely forgetting where they are and who they’re surrounded by, when Junmyeon breaks the spell by calling the members together and Kyungsoo straightens up, hand snapping back to his side almost comically fast like he’s in the army and just got called to stand at attention.

“Come on, Soo!” their leader beckons him with an arm outstretched that wraps around Kyungsoo as he bounds over to get out the door like a good, dutiful member. Jongin grumbles at Junmyeon’s interruption and unnecessary skinship with his friend when they’re not in front of fans yet, but he gets up from his chair as well and heads out for the stage.

 

\--------------------------------------

 

 _‘Damn, it’s cold,’_ Kyungsoo thinks as he sings on stage. _‘Just a few more songs.’_

Suho’s been quite the energetic bunny next to him, probably to help himself stay warm, and his playfulness is turned up to max as they sing “First Snow.” D.O plays along, glad that the performance is going well and the fans seem really excited to be there even though it is freezing.

He notices out of the corner of his eye, though, that Jongin’s Kai face keeps dropping and he’s looking perturbed whenever D.O is poking Suho or vice versa. _‘Oh ho, he really does get jealous easily… and when he gets jealous…’_ Kyungsoo’s thoughts trail off as his inner devil snickers and plots.

When he feels Suho moving in to snuggle against the side of his face, rather than shirking away, D.O leans into the touch with a light coo and blissful smile, enjoying the nurturing nuzzle and letting his eyes flutter shut in contentment. He can’t see Kai’s reaction to this, but like a 6th sense, he can feel intense fury coming from Jongin and gets a thrill inside. Jongin will find a way to get him alone tonight, he just knows it. And he can’t wait.

 

\------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Blood moon, haha

Kyungsoo: Full moon

\------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference for snuggly SuDo on stage: <https://youtu.be/qFgMdfDp5NI?t=6m25s>
>   * (The earlier part in the song: <https://youtu.be/qFgMdfDp5NI?t=4m59s>)
>   * Kai’s reaction to this was so classic that there’s also this video that surpasses the language barrier to analyze his faces, hahaha: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkcCXk6XIbA>
> 

> 
> Kudos/comments are appreciated!


	9. Evening Thunderstorms

OVERDOSE ERA

EXO WILL HOST THEIR FIRST SOLO CONCERT IN SEOUL NEXT MONTH (4/7/14)

EXO SHOWCASE OVERDOSE! (4/15/14)

 

April was off to an intense start with final preparations for their Overdose mini-album making for long working nights and virtually no rest. Kyungsoo and Jongin had no time for coffee hangouts or evening hookups when the managers were constantly dictating their every move. Members were working through illness and injuries, even, so Kyungsoo knew it’d be petulant to want to complain about their lack of free time. Besides, this kind of crunch time for a rigorous idol schedule was where Kyungsoo always felt he flourished and made him feel truly cut out for the system since he, in some ways, got a high off the long hours due to his serious work ethic.

He hated seeing how rough these times could be on Jongin, though. Jongin would spend however long the choreography required in the practice room, but his will sometimes outpaced his body, and he was struggling a bit with his waist injury again. The dancer needed to be executing his craft in front of a crowd or camera to feel truly complete. Thankfully, that time had come.

 _‘He’s such a performer. He gives his heart and soul on stage, and at the same time, the thrill of performing is what fills them back up,’_ Kyungsoo muses as they finish up their Overdose showcase. Jongin looks **_alive_** again, and Kyungsoo’s heart just might burst from seeing the genuine smile and relief on his face. For the first time in quite a while, the two are able to steal a brief moment backstage in an abandoned dressing area before getting herded into the van back to the dorms.

Kyungsoo’s sitting on the edge of a make-up table with Jongin standing between his thighs, the younger driving the action of their lips, connecting and reconnecting, while their bodies stay flushed together from the waist down.  Kyungsoo’s fingers are roaming through bleached blonde hair, mussing it up as they make out. Jongin is playful with a teasing rhythm to his kisses, vacillating from staccato pecks to longer, wet kisses, and Kyungsoo can’t help but chuckle as he realizes what he’s doing. “You’re kissing me to the rhythm of our song??”

Jongin lets out a pleased hum into the older’s mouth as he kisses him to the lyric _‘you’re in, my he-eart’_ (and Kyungsoo’s flutters). Jongin smiles brightly, without stopping the kisses. “Such a good sense of rhythm, hyung.”

“You’re ridiculous—“ he pauses as he’s interrupted by Jongin sucking briefly on his lower lip and then releasing it with a quiet pop – “and such a child sometimes,” Kyungsoo teases, secretly enjoying Jongin's exuberant joy leftover from the successful showcase.

The two are interrupted by Chanyeol’s booming voice on the other side of the door telling manager Jaehyuk that the missing pair are probably in the bathroom. They break apart quickly, fixing their hair and smudged make-up in the mirror. Still panting heavily, Kyungsoo summons the will to slow down his breathing and announces, “That was close. Okay, I’ll go out first and slip into the van. Wait ten seconds before you follow?”

“Okay,” agrees Jongin. “But one more thing…” he steals a quick, chaste nip on Kyungsoo’s lips, catching him by surprise. “You were brilliant tonight, as always.”

Kyungsoo flashes him an appreciative smile as he turns to go out the dressing room door. “Right back at ya.” His mind completes the thought as he strides to the van _‘…both on stage and backstage.’_

\--------------------------------

SEWOL FERRY CAPSIZES; HUNDREDS OF HS STUDENTS PRESUMED DEAD (4/16/14)

 

They’re in the middle of rehearsal when they hear the news; everyone stops and they are dismissed to contact family and check the status of loved ones. The next 24 hrs is quiet in the normally bustling dorm as they each hole away somberly.

The Sewol tragedy weighs heavily on them all, realizing how many young people, kids so close to them in age, died in such an awful way. The members are lucky enough to not know anyone personally who was lost in the disaster, but naturally all need to mourn as does the rest of the country. April is supposed to be non-stop performances and promotions for their new mini-album. The Sewol incident puts that to a screeching halt.

They knew that the EXO-K and EXO-M subgroups would be promoting more separately this time around, but the blackout on entertainment and music shows in Korea hastens the split, as EXO-M is sent to promote in China while EXO-K… well… waits. After a week without any public promotions, the boys find their own rhythms and distractions between intense rehearsals to keep up the Overdose choreography and also review the choreographies for their upcoming solo concert.

Kyungsoo is glad to be able to hang out a lot with Jongin during this time, but the heavy atmosphere is only conducive to quiet talks over random hobbies. Neither of them are trying to make physical contact beyond friendly skinship, with tender fingers working the tension out of each other’s necks substituting for what had previously been heated kisses (and more) when they were alone. Hooking up right now would feel… wrong given the state of mourning everyone was in. Kyungsoo isn’t totally sure what to make of this. _‘Does this mean that our relationship is **not** serious, since we’re putting it on pause, or that it **is** serious and we don’t want to sully it by treating it like a trivial distraction for the current hard times?’ _He doesn’t know how Jongin is feeling about it, but he knows that for himself, he doesn’t want to taint what they have, even if it’s just a friends with benefits thing. Because Jongin is too special of a friend to have things end messily.

\----------------------------------

“Kris is gone.” Jaehyuk’s words fall like heavy barbells in the room.

“What do you mean, ‘gone,’” asks Junmyeon to break the silence.

“He’s disappeared, presumably gone back to China, and filed a lawsuit over his contract,” Jaehyuk says, voice trying to hold steady as he knows this news is going to rock their worlds.

As the room descends into shouts from Zitao and murmurs from others, Jongin can’t deal. He feels like the room is closing in on him, and he’s got to escape it. He leaps to his feet and runs for the door, barely chancing a glance back at the other members but noticing Kyungsoo’s dark eyes watching him intently with a look of concern mixed with his own hurt over the news. _‘Sorry, hyung… I can’t handle this right now…’_

Jongin’s now dashing through the halls of the SM building, not sure exactly where he’s racing to. What place is actually going to give him shelter from his fears? He initially heads to his favorite practice room on autopilot, but instinctively draws back as he’s about to grab the handle. _‘Too many memories,’_ a voice in his head suggests, warning him not to go in as flashes of him laughing with Yifan, helping him perfect his Wolf lines at the beginning of the song where the older hands off the verse to him… He travels two doors further down and enters a different practice room.

“Jongin, what’s up?” Krystal’s sitting on the floor, stretching. It seems like she’s just finished practicing based on her nearly empty water bottle and the light layer of sweat glistening from her forehead. Her typical droll smile fades as she takes in his appearance. “Hey… what’s wrong?”

Jongin realizes his body has been shaking with light hiccups as he’s tried to hold back his tears, and he can’t keep them in any longer. “Oh God, Krystal. Yifan left the group.” He crumples down on the floor next to her, face buried in his hands as he sobs softly.

“Oh no… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s going to be okay, Nini,” Krystal tries to console him, softly stroking his back. “Let me get you some water, and you can tell me everything.” She leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind her, and returns a few minutes later with a fresh water bottle.

While she’s gone, Jongin slowly composes himself. He feels pretty lucky, actually, that he stumbled upon his good friend instead of another random SM idol and embarrassed himself. Krystal gets that he’s sensitive from all his blubbering as a trainee when he was adjusting to the severity of the training world, and she’s never judged him too harshly for it. He snorts to himself, _‘she knows me well enough to make up this water excuse, even, to give me space to calm down.’_ He accepts the bottle from her hand and gives her a knowing look. “We both know it doesn’t take 5 minutes to get water. What’d you do while you were waiting for me to collect myself?”

Krystal smirks back at him and waggles her phone. “Oh, you know, just shopping online,” which earns her a small chuckle from her tanned friend. “Seriously, though,” she says without any burden, “if you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen. Honestly, I’m worried Jinri’s going to leave f(x) soon.”

“WHAT? No way. Why? Just because she’s dating Choiza now?”

“That’s just a small part of it, honestly. But I don’t want to make this about me: you go first. We’ll compare our notes on ‘why do our members spite us and make us wish we’d never trained’ later,” she says with a wink, settling down on the floor next to him.

Jongin gives her a small, wry smile and then lets himself voice aloud all of his fears and hurts. About how he worries what this will do to their fans, what this will do to the other members and their teamwork, about whether or not this is the beginning of the end for EXO… it’s so easy to talk to Krystal, who just listens without judgment, fingers untangling his messy bleached hair while he vents.

“How’d the others take it?” she asks.

Jongin heaves a big sigh. “Um, Zitao seemed pretty distraught, and Junmyeon looked kinda angry.”

“What about Kyungsoo? Was he stoic as usual or…?”

Jongin casts his eyes down, ashamed that he can’t really comment. “I dunno, I didn’t exactly stick around to see…” Krystal shakes her head at his confession of a dramatic exit but holds back the scold on her tongue and encourages him to continue instead.  “He looked… hurt.” _‘But some of that might have had more to do with me abandoning him/everyone right away than about the news itself,’_ he inwardly chastises himself. He can’t help the next question that escapes his lips: “So, what’s the deal with you and Kyungsoo, by the way?”

Krystal looks confused by the question, furrowing her eyebrows as she replies, “What do you mean, ‘the deal?’ We’re friends. Why, did he say something to you about me?”

Jongin feels himself bristle, growing annoyed even as he realizes he’s the one who’s broached this topic of their supposed friendship. “No, he’s never said anything directly. You just seem keen to ask about him specifically.”

Krystal stares at him in disbelief for a moment and then laughs. “Aw, don’t pull that suspicious glare with me, Kim Jongin,” she says while swatting him on his shoulder. “You big dork – if anything WERE going on with us, don’t you think one or both of your friends would be telling you? And geez, shouldn’t you be HAPPY for us if that was the case? You’re such a baby sometimes,” she chides, but with a fond and patronizing ruffle of his hair that lets him know there’s no bite behind her words.

“ **I’m** a baby? Yah, I’m not putting up with you talking down to me. I get enough of that from the others: I'm technically your oppa, dufus!” Jongin ducks to get away from the condescending head pats and retaliates by stealing her shoe off her left foot. Krystal scrambles to snatch her shoe back, while yelling “seriously, Kim, who steals a SHOE?!,” but the boy is now taunting her by stretching his arm up above his head, moving just out of reach each time she stretches to grab at it.

They end up in a giggling heap, arms tangled as Jongin finally relents and drops the shoe, placing his hands on her back in a warm hug instead. “Thanks. For listening, and making me laugh instead of cry.”

Krystal returns the hug and rubs his neck fondly. “Anytime.” They linger in the embrace a few moments more, and then Krystal pulls away to give him a serious look. “Now go back to your group. Your members need you, too.”

\-------------------------------

Kyungsoo had been reeling from the news. He was a mix of shocked and angry, but when he realized Jongin was running away, he couldn’t help be feel a twinge of pain that Jongin wanted space not just from the group but from him, too, in that moment. Kyungsoo stayed in the room for a while, trying to offer comfort to others and reaffirm Junmyeon that he’s a great leader and will help them all get through this. He held back his desire to seek out that beautifully tanned face shining with tears for a few more minutes. _‘Give him space. If he’d wanted you to follow right away, he would have indicated as much.’_

But another 5 minutes goes by, and there’s still no sign of him, causing Kyungsoo to start worrying. When he can’t stand it any longer, he starts looking for Jongin, figuring he’d have headed for a practice room. He starts checking down a hallway, finding nothing but empty rooms initially, but pauses when he reaches a door with voices on the other side. He cracks it open slowly, and he freezes at the scene with his mouth agape.

There is Jongin, alright: on the floor practically pining down a chuckling Krystal underneath him. “Thanks. For listening, and making me laugh instead of cry,” Kyungsoo hears him say with such sincere tenderness. He feels like an intruder on a private moment, and barely manages to choke back the sob in his throat as he closes the door as quickly and quietly as he can. It’s now Kyungsoo’s turn to run down the hallway distraught, retracing his steps, but he’s not sure where to go, passing the room where the rest of EXO still is and taking a right turn into a long, twisting hallway he’s never been in before, his legs still pumping without a destination in mind.

 _‘He didn’t want you, he wanted her… he doesn’t trust you enough to be this vulnerable… you can’t make him laugh when things are serious…’_ Kyungsoo can’t stop the runaway train of thought. As he sprints faster down the hallway, he feels like he’s trapped in a tunnel with the train’s light blinding him as it thunders toward him, and there’s no way to outrun the truth it’s carrying. _‘You’re fair-weather friends. It’s just hook-ups driven by emotional highs of excitement or jealousy. Think about it: have you ever even shared so much as a kiss when you were both calmly at peace?’_ This final thought alarms him, blaring like the train’s loud whistle right behind him as Kyungsoo reaches the end of the hallway. It’s a dead end. With nowhere left to go, he falls to his knees as the relentless train barrels right over him, crushing his heart with the weight of the realizations it carries and squeezing out a flood of tears.

.

.

.

One blessing is that with Kris gone, they have non-stop work to do for the concert in one week, leaving little time to talk or think about anything else. Plus, there’s filming for his drama, “It’s Okay, That’s Love,” coming up, so there’s plenty of script reading Kyungsoo can do to avoid everyone (alright, especially Jongin) in the few minutes between practices or travelling from one place to another. Honestly, he’s kind of pissed at himself for having slid back into delusions of romance with sun-kissed skin and dazzling smiles when he’d already suffered enough after the MAMA era. Distance helped before in putting aside his feelings, so he knows it’ll work again if he keeps withdrawing. Kyungsoo just needs to focus on being D.O, throwing himself into work, which comes naturally anyway. He walls himself off, and no one bothers him about his reclusiveness given the pressures they’re all under and Kyungsoo’s additional acting responsibilities. The skinship with the other members during the upbeat songs at the concert will be a bit straining to pull off, but at least his solo matches how Kyungsoo is feeling.

Opening night of the concert is finally here. As the intro to “Tell Me What is Love” starts over the speakers, Kyungsoo psychs himself up while trying to remember not to get _too_ lost in the song. Still, this is his cathartic moment of the night, where he can stop pretending so much and just convey how he feels through his vocal art. The hurt, the anger, the frustration: it’s all in there. He can’t help but stomp his foot passionately as he belts out…

“I can’t escape from these thoughts: Was this thing really love?”

He leaves the stage exhausted having laid his soul bare and thinking agitatedly, _‘I may never know…’_

 

\----------------------------

Phases (at the end):

Jongin: Waning gibbous

Kyungsoo: Waning crescent

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Video reference of Soo's passionate delivery of Tell Me What is Love: <https://youtu.be/-tJg7VB-DOc?t=1m12s>
> 
> PS None of the gifs or pics I'm posting at the start of ch are mine!
> 
> I don’t know about you, but seeing that “TMWIL” performance the moment it hit YouTube after the first concert shattered me in such a good way (b/c Soo’s voice is **_amazing_** on it). I read the translation of the lyrics a week later and was shattered all over again in such a sad way. I knew I’d have to work this raw performance into this story somehow.


	10. Hazy Night

THE LOST PLANET ERA

 

Jongin’s officially nervous. He’d chalked up Kyungsoo’s isolation from all the members to the sting of Yifan leaving, plus the stress of the concert reorganization and Overdose promotions (given the older male’s intense dedication to perfection). But it’s been weeks now, and Kyungsoo’s started mingling with some members more yet avoiding him. Jongin can’t help but feel déjà vu from the last time Kyungsoo suddenly dropped off the map and left a huge vacancy in his life, and it doesn’t hurt any less this time around.

 _‘Was it something I did to piss him off?’_ Jongin wonders to himself while lying in bed. He can’t think of anything. _‘Maybe he’s just worried about being too close to anyone; we all saw how Tao fell apart…’_ He frowns, and feels a surge of protectiveness . _‘Surely he knows I’d never quit or leave him behind. Whatever it is, I’m not waiting around just hoping he’ll come back this time.’_

He resolves to seek out his hyung and be direct with him. The next morning in the dorm, Jongin gets up early to catch Kyungsoo in the kitchen making breakfast. He arrives right as Kyungsoo is plating food onto four dishes. “Scrambled eggs? It smells delicious, hyung. May I have some?” Jongin asks politely with a hopeful smile.

Kyungsoo startles a little at his voice but doesn’t stop plating the food to look at him. “Yeah, you can take this plate,” the chef says, gesturing at the last one he fills. Kyungsoo carries the other three plates to the table where Luhan, Jongdae, and Junmyeon are sitting, sets them down, and starts to walk off.

“Hey, aren’t you eating with us, Kyungsoo?” asks Junmyeon.

“Yeah, weirdo. Get back here and join us – you said you were in the mood for eggs!” yells Jongdae as Luhan covers his ears mumbling something about it being too early for squawking.

Realizing Kyungsoo gave him his breakfast, Jongin’s heart drops for a moment. “Wait, I can get my own, hyung. Sit and eat.” But Kyungsoo’s already entering his room, turning his head only slightly to tell them, “It’s fine. I forgot I need to go over my lines once more before filming later today.” He starts to shut the door but Jongin’s followed him down the hallway and blocks the door from closing with his foot.

“Ouch! You have to eat breakfast, though,” Jongin tries to reason with him.

Kyungsoo sighs down at the floor, looking a mix of annoyed (for Jongin following him) and regretful (for smashing the boy’s foot). His head continues to hang low, and he keeps the door mostly shut as he speaks through the opening. “I’ll be fine. I need to diet anyway since I’m supposed to look like a vulnerable high school student in this drama.” He pauses, seeming to wrestle with his thoughts before saying authoritatively, “Don’t neglect your foot; sorry I didn’t see it. Go ice it – I filled the ice cube trays last night so there should be some for you in the freezer.”

Jongin steels himself, though, refusing to be shut out. “I’m not icing anything unless you eat this and let me in,” he states petulantly, staring at the other.

Kyungsoo scoffs at his pouting and finally looks him in the eyes. “Jongin, you’re our main dancer, you have to take care of your foot.”

“Well, seeing as how you’re the reason it’s throbbing, I think you should at least do me the courtesy of fixing an ice wrap for it.” Jongin hates that he’s being a brat when his initial intention was to be nice to get back in Kyungsoo’s good graces, but hey, he’ll use whatever he can to worm his way back into Kyungsoo's life right now, even if it means taking advantage of his caring nature.

"FINE,” Kyungsoo opens the door wide and points agitatedly for Jongin to sit on the bed before huffing off to the kitchen. Jongin grins to himself and sits on the bed, trying to plot his next move. He sees the script for _It’s Okay, That’s Love_ on the nightstand and gets an idea. Kyungsoo reappears with a bandage wrap and a bag of ice and starts unceremoniously strapping it onto Jongin’s foot.

“Thanks. You always take good care of me, Soo,” Jongin says softly.

Kyungsoo stops his hasty wrapping for a moment and then continues, at a slightly more careful pace, mumbling quietly under his breath, “…just being a friend.”

“Since you’re doing me a favor in fixing my _gravely injured_ foot,” Jongin sassily perks up, “I feel like I should return it with a favor of helping you go over your lines for the drama.” He waggles the script in front of him like a flag with a goofy grin on his face. And just like that, Kyungsoo’s eyes widen with indignant fire behind them.

“A **favor**??” Kyungsoo yelps incredulously. “You guilted me hard core into this! I thought you were actually hurt, you nitwit.” He’s reaching for the script, but Jongin is waving it in a figure 8 pattern and he misses. Kyungsoo grunts in frustration and bites his bottom lip as he reaches for it again, trying but failing to hold in a small smile.

Jongin giggles at him, “ah, you’re still so cute when you get flustered.” Something in the atmosphere changes instantly, as Kyungsoo stops chasing the script and his face turns stony, lips pressed into a solid line as he stares at the wall to his right. When he turns back to meet Jongin’s gaze, his eyes are without a trace of playfulness.

“Give me that back and get out – I need to actually work,” he says coldly.

“Hyung, why are you being like this?” Jongin asks, vulnerability dripping from his voice.

“I told you, I have to film later and need to brush up on my lines.”

“No, not that…” His next words all come out in a rush. “Why have you drawn away from me? You’re avoiding me, and it’s not the first time it’s happened. What is it? Did I do something? What’s wrong?” As scared as Jongin is to get answers to these questions, he’s glad he managed to get them out there. His eyes are desperately trying to make contact with the Kyungsoo's to show him how sincere he is in wanting to understand.

Kyungsoo seems panicked, looking everywhere in the room except at him. “I-I’m just worried about work, that’s all. I really want to do a good job on this drama.”

Jongin knows it’s a lie, but he’s already used up all his courage in probing these uncharted waters about their relationship, so he grabs for the nearest safe harbor that might still help them get closer. “Well… okay, let me help you then. Let me read lines with you.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth as if he’s about to protest, but breathes out a sigh and relents instead, knowing there’s no good excuse not to, given the reasons he just provided. “Alright… let’s read.”

Jongin smiles warmly at the other and shuffles over so there’s space for him to join him on the bed. “Okay, so tell me about your character. What’s he like?”

“He, uh, he adores this one guy. Really looks up to him and wants to be liked by him, but, uh, in this scene, he’s feeling really abandoned by him because the guy is distracted with this girl he likes, so my character feels cast off and is really… miserable from not being accepted by him.”

“Sounds complicated. Can you pull off all those emotions at once?”

Kyungsoo makes an uneasy snort, and his next words almost sound sarcastic to Jongin. “Don’t worry… I’m a good actor.”

The two read lines for an hour, and by the end of it, Jongin’s happy because he’s managed to get a few laughs out of Kyungsoo, even if it’s because he’s botched the delivery on several occasions. Kyungsoo is smiling gratefully at him now, making his heart feel light. “That was actually really helpful. Thanks, Jongin.”

“Geez, don’t sound so surprised,” he counters, playfully. “I’m not a stellar acting talent like you, but maybe one day I’ll figure some of this out.” Kyungsoo blushes at the compliment, and Jongin can’t help but stare at the crimson glow contrasting with pristine, pale skin. Jongin’s smile fades slowly as he’s overcome with a yearning to touch him. His eyes flicker over to Kyungsoo’s, trying to discern whether or not he should give in to the desire to caress his cheek.

Kyungsoo seems to pick up on his intentions and takes in a sharp breath, breaking eye contact and leaning slightly away. “Th-thanks, um, I should get ready to go.” As he starts to stand up, Jongin grabs his hand and gently tugs him back, causing him to sit closer than he had previously. Thighs snug against each other and their hands still connected, Jongin throws caution to the wind and reaches up with his free hand to stroke Kyungsoo’s hair tenderly, letting a finger trace down his sideburn, across his rosy cheek, and along his sharp jawline, stopping at his chin. Gently, he tips Kyungsoo's face toward him and tells him quietly, “I’ve missed you, Soo. Just, please… don’t run away from me again, okay?” Jongin presses his lips softly against the trembling heart-shaped ones in front of him. He lingers for a moment, mouths pressed together lightly, but doesn’t try to deepen the kiss. He pulls back and nuzzles Kyungsoo’s cheek while telling him, “Good luck at the shoot. Tell me all about it later.” Then, he leaves the room quietly, too nervous to double-check Kyungsoo’s reaction. Jongin figures he’s been brave enough for one day and sighs, exhausted but giddy with happiness as he trots down the hall, suddenly realizing he’s leaving a trail of water on the floor from his foot wrap.

The ice: it’s melted.

\----------------------------------------

 

_‘Well, fuck.’_

That’s as far as Kyungsoo gets in the reflection process on what just happened, needing to get changed and out to his scheduled shoot ASAP. He’s a blur of clothes and shoes before rushing downstairs to get in the van and allowing his thoughts to catch up with him.

 _‘So much for your game plan of staying aloof,’_ one voice internally scolds him while en route to the film location. _‘But it’s different now!’_ argues another voice. _‘He came to you, there was no exhilarating reason for affection, it wasn’t lustful passion, it was lo-“_ “Okay stop right there,” Kyungsoo says firmly to cut off the thought, not realizing he vocalized that last line out loud.

The driver, surprised, stops the van and turns to him. “Are you sure? I think I can still get you a few blocks further into the set so you don’t have to walk as far.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, wherever you think is most appropriate. I-I can walk from here or you’re welcome to drive further in,” Kyungsoo sputters out, incredibly embarrassed at his rudeness. _‘Get it together. Don’t think about him right now; focus on getting in character. Wait and see if Jongin actually sticks around before getting your hopes up.”_

.

.

.

But Jongin does keep hanging around. Every day, he’s asking if he can help him go over lines. Kyungsoo refuses at first, but gives in when the boy gets that ‘kicked puppy’ look on him, and now he just accepts the offer. They’ve fallen into a new routine: having breakfast together, reading the script, and then Jongin endlessly praising Kyungsoo’s acting to the point that it’s getting cliché. Kyungsoo starts smacking him on the arm each time he’s letting out a “daebak” but these hits tend to lead to flirtatious shoving and tickling, so it’s not actually discouraging the younger at all. At the end of each of their script reading sessions, Jongin lingers with his rich, mocha eyes asking _‘is this okay’_ before moving in for a chaste kiss goodbye. After a week of this, Kyungsoo finally relaxes a little and starts to entertain the idea that this time… maybe this time they actually have something. He still refuses to let this hope grow unchecked, though.

The next day, in the middle of their reading session, Jongin gets a text. He ignores it and keeps reading his part ( _‘thoughtful’_ muses Kyungsoo), but then his phone is ringing. “Go ahead,” Kyungsoo volunteers, “we can take a quick break. It might be important.” He stands up to stretch.

Jongin flashes him a thankful smile and answers the call. “Hello? Hey, Krystal.”

Kyungsoo tenses upon hearing who’s on the other line, but softens as he hears distress in the voice seeping through the speaker.

“Wait, what? Jinri’s quitting f(x)?” Jongin shoots a glance at Kyungsoo who winces sympathetically at the news. “Shit, I’m sorry… where am I? I’m in the dorm right now.”

Kyungsoo feels genuinely sorry for Krystal and concerned for her, but he can’t help the bitterness that starts rising up, knowing where this is going. _‘She needs him for comfort… just like he needed her.’_

“Look, I…” Jongin pauses, staring at Kyungsoo who’s now trying to busy himself with his dresser drawers to distract from his feelings. “I’m sorry, I can’t right now. I’m in the middle of something important.”

Kyungsoo’s heart surges as he raises his eyes to meet Jongin’s, clearly surprised at this response. “I can catch up with you later though, in like…” Jongin checks his watch for the time and mouths _‘1 hour?’_ at him. In a daze, Kyungsoo nods. That’s when he’s scheduled to meet the van downstairs. “In about an hour, alright? Yeah, I’ll call you then… hang in there. Okay, bye.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Kyungsoo says, still stunned.

“I know, but this is our time. I can see her once you have to go – she’ll still be upset whether it’s now or later today, but I can’t help you prep for this scene later when you’re shooting it in an hour. Now, where were we?”

They resume reading lines. When it’s time for Kyungsoo to go, he breaks their routine and quickly leans in first this time to kiss Jongin, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and tangling his fingers in the hair at the boy's nape. It’s a little heavier than the previous kisses that were Jongin-led, as Kyungsoo slots their mouths together and slowly brushes his tongue over Jongin's a few times, but the tenderness is still there even if they’re breathing a little faster than normal afterward. “Thanks…” he pants, “for reading lines with me.” _‘For putting me first…’_ he thinks.

“No problem,” Jongin rasps out. Somewhere along the way, his hands had slid up the Kyungsoo's back and were now rubbing small circles along his shoulder blades.

Kyungsoo reluctantly stands up to go, but turns before leaving. “Make sure to tell Krystal I’m really sorry she’s having to go through this hell like we did,” he says sincerely.

\--------------------------------------

Jongin is in the practice room, the same one where he coincidentally ran into Krystal after getting the news about Yifan. He reviews his dance solo for the concert but just marks steps rather than going full throttle since he’s waiting for Krystal. He sees her shuffle quietly into the room, a snapback pulled down low and obscuring her eyes.

“Hey you,” Jongin starts timidly. He approaches cautiously, as if to not scare her away. He stops a few feet away from her and bends at his waist, tilting his head up to see her face under the brim of her hat.

“…Hi,” Krystal croaks out quietly. Her eyes are downcast, and her nose is pink. She huddles into herself, her right hand clutching her left arm and holding it tight to her chest.

 _‘Poor thing, she looks like a frightened baby bird.’_ Jongin’s still trying to make eye contact with her as he peers up under the cap. “Wanna talk? Or maybe get something to eat first?” His questions are met with silence aside from a small sniffle. Jongin decides to try for humor instead. “Or we could hit up the clubs, get smashed, go to a noreabang, and sing depressing ballads at the top of our lungs until they kick us out? That’d make for quite a scandal.”

“Shut up and just let me be miserable a moment, would you?” Krystal replies, mostly faking her irritation but sincere in her request. She steps forward and seeks comfort in Jongin’s arms, resting her head on his chest. He removes her hat and embraces her while softly petting her hair.

“It’s going to be alright. It sucks right now, but it gets better, I promise,” Jongin consoles her, resting his chin on top of her head to hug her completely. Krystal is a quiet crier, and he doesn’t push her to speak. They stand there for several minutes with no sounds in the room aside from the girl’s faint sobs. He continues stroking her hair as he keeps her steady with a secure arm around her waist while her body shakes slightly from her crying.

Krystal eventually pulls back and wipes her eyes before finally looking up at Jongin’s face for the first time since entering the room. “Thanks. I needed to just get that out.”

“No problem. The offer for drunken noreabang still stands if you need it,” Jongin jokes.

“I’ll pass, idiot. But maybe we could get some food.”

“That sounds great. Let’s get out of this depressing practice room, which shall now be known as the Room of Sorrows from this day forth.” His theatrical words and tone elicit an amused snort from Krystal, which he takes as a good sign. “I know this small place that makes amazing noodles. Let’s go,” Jongin says, leading her out of the room.

Over lunch, Krystal explains that publicly, Sulli is just taking a hiatus for now, but in reality, it’s already been decided that she’s out of f(x). Since their group is smaller to begin with, she’s worried they might disband. “It’s not like we’re some mega-boy group that has almost a dozen other members to compensate,” she teases but takes it back almost immediately. “I’m sorry, that was insensitive, even for me.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it… hey, you’ve still got Amber,” Jongin says.

“Yeah, and you’ve still got Kyungsoo. Or is Sehun your bestie now?”

“It’s Kyungsoo,” Jongin replies quickly. _‘Always Kyungsoo,’_ he thinks. “Oh speaking of which, he says he’s sorry you’re dealing with the Sulli fall out.”

“What, you’re sharing my business with others already?” Krystal feigns some annoyance.

“It’s not like that; he was in the room when you called.”

“Oh, that’s right, you were busy with something important. A group meeting?” she inquires while grabbing some noodles with her chopsticks and blowing off the steam.

“Ah, yeah.” Jongin busies himself with eating his noodles as well. He doesn’t want to lie to her, but he also isn’t going to share his and Kyungsoo’s private ‘script readings with goodbye kisses’ routine with her either. Though… he’s kinda wishing he could talk to someone about his situation with Kyungsoo. But no, Kyungsoo had always been careful to keep their behind-the-scenes activities unknown to others, so he shouldn’t violate that wish. _‘I can’t do anything to jeopardize what we have… even if I’m having trouble figuring out what it is we DO have. But that last kiss today… it really felt…’_

“Earth to Jongin. What are you thinking about?” Krystal’s waving her hand in front of his face, and he snaps out of his daze.

“Sorry – just got distracted thinking about what happened at that meeting.”

“Sounds like something serious,” she says with a raised eyebrow.

“…yeah, I think it is,” Jongin replies. ‘ _For me, at least, it’s serious...’_

\--------------------------------

The Lost Planet concert series continues to roll on. They’re visiting so many countries, it’s getting hard to keep track of where they are. Jongin’s tired, but he’s so fulfilled: from all the success they’re having, from getting to see the fans so much, from getting to be close to Kyungsoo… both on and off stage. Things have continued to be wonderful between them, and intimate in a way that wasn’t there before. While their initial hookups before Overdose had been intense, they’d been fairly lust-driven with a sprinkling of fondness mixed in. Now, when they were together, it felt like the scales had tipped the other way: the main feature was a certain tenderness, with a smaller undercurrent of passion. Jongin feels like he’s falling faster and harder, but he senses Kyungsoo is still hesitant sometimes, like he’s holding back a little. Jongin has given up on trying to figure out why, lest the answer be something heartbreaking, and is just content with where they’re at. Whenever he’s feeling rundown, he can count on Kyungsoo to lift his spirits.

They’re performing “Love, Love, Love” in Singapore, and Jongin’s grateful for the brief rest given that this song is lighter on choreography. He’s feeling particularly tired tonight. As he exchanges places with Kyungsoo on the stage, he reaches out to fondle his hand a little more than a friendly high-five requires, feeling his pulse quicken when the other boy has the same idea and is stroking his hand just as affectionately.  He hears Kyungsoo squeal into the mic right after, full of joy, and Jongin’s strength is fully recharged as he’s internally keening just as loudly. He relishes the rich tones of the singer’s voice as he croons out the R&B flavored track, and draws energy from it to dance more vigorously.

As he sees Kyungsoo turn his direction for the final lines of the song, Jongin looks him dead in the eyes and confesses:

“You’re my earth, air, water, fire.”

Kyungsoo’s singing the lines right to him as well, but the final cherry on top is when he points directly at the dancer with the final move. Jongin’s heart explodes with fireworks, and he can’t contain his outward reaction this time as he thanks the heavens for the boy with large, round eyes, a killer voice, and a beautiful soul. He’s thankful they get to leave the stage together as EXO-M starts singing “Thunder.” Away from the prying eyes of the crowd, he drags Kyungsoo into the nearest dark space he can find under the stage, and kisses him breathless.

\---------------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Full moon

Kyungsoo: Waxing gibbous

\---------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference for their [on-stage Love, Love, Love flirtation](https://youtu.be/Bv3qz50840M?t=1m35s). Watch thru to the end for the gloriousness that is Soo (killing me at 2:37) and the Kaisoo moves described above
>   * And here’s [another fancam that’s D.O. focused](https://youtu.be/dYQKysNxDeU?t=2m7s) so you can better see his reactions to the handshake and what he’s doing with his fingers at the very end when he directs them towards Kai 
> 

> 
> I adore _It’s Okay, That’s Love?_ , and I was excited to involve it here in the plot ＼（＾▽＾）／
> 
> From here on out, the chapters continue to be this length or longer. If I were to pinpoint some key points in my writing development, I feel like the first might have been around this ch? Like enough threads were finally coming together to tell a cohesive story, rather than just jumping from event to event, idk. I was really proud of it when I first wrote it, so I hope you like it, too. Thanks for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!


	11. Dense Fog Overnight

LOST PLANET ERA (still)  


It’s mid concert in Beijing, and they’re going all out with the fan service tonight. Kai watches an amused D.O help shove Xiumin and Luhan together for a fake kiss during the dance battle. They know the common ships in the fandom and try to indulge them without going over the top, but Jongin knows fake kissing with Kyungsoo is off the table. (That’s really not D.O’s style, plus Jongin doesn’t think he’d be able to resist the temptation to make it real…) Still, he can’t help but feel a little jealous. As they’re running around with the pillow hearts, Kai notices Chen without a pillow. While smirking in Kai’s direction, Chen approaches D.O and requests a hug from the small singer. D.O obliges, and the green monster in Jongin rises up before he can stop it. He’s whopping Jongdae over the head before he realizes the other was completely prepared for it. _‘Shit, am I too obvious?’_ he wonders as he accepts the pillow hits from Chen without a fight.

 _‘Okay, get your head back in the game,’_ Jongin scolds as XOXO starts playing. But now Kyungsoo’s pointing at him playfully but purposefully as he’s singing:

“One day, in a letter, I hid my sincere feelings  
Behind the last line’s expression of affection  
But I can’t send it across the distance to your heart”

Kyungsoo’s hands are all over him, and Jongin can’t take it anymore, lunging at the smaller one to pull him into a deep hug. The crowd roars approvingly, and Jongin wonders if they’d still be so enthusiastic and supportive if they knew the truth…

.

.

.

Jongin keeps wrestling with whether or not he should force Kyungsoo to put a label on what they are. He’s realistic: it’s not like they’d ever publicly be boyfriends. But there are a few non-straight idols that people in the industry are aware of (though even among the insiders, it’s never 100% confirmed to keep a final layer of protection). Jongin would settle for keeping their own members from knowing, if only **_he_** could know for sure.  In the end, he always shelves the idea for later. In the fleeting moments they manage to get alone, it’s hard to concentrate on anything other than smooth, pale skin, large blown pupils, and plush lips whispering _‘Jongin’_ in between light moans.

A few days later, Jongin hears his phone buzzing while he’s in the shower. When he gets out, he realizes he’s missed several texts, sent just a few minutes apart, all from Krystal.

Jongin texts back quickly, saying he’ll see her in just a minute, then throws on a basic t-shirt and skinny jeans, and rushes to the SM building. He goes straight to the ‘Room of Sorrows,’ bracing himself for what awaits him. _‘Shit, did they decide to disband f(x)? Surely not, they’ve still got a big fan base. But what else could this be?’_

He cracks the door open cautiously, and sees Krystal’s already inside. Jongin had half-expected the quiet, weepy version of the girl that he encountered last time they came together in the room, but what he’s faced with now is the exact opposite. Krystal is pacing the floor, her feet stomping resolutely with each step she takes. With fists at her sides and a hard scowl on her face, she’s muttering in angry English. Jongin can only pick out a few words here and there, and they’re just curse words he’s familiar with.

“Whoa, what’s going on?”

“Traitors! I can’t believe they can do this to her! After how straight forward she’s been all along, they just spring THIS on her?!” Krystal is ranting at the top of her lungs. Jongin’s never seen her this angry in all the years they’ve known each other.

“I’m sorry, who? Bring me up to speed. You’re angry on who’s behalf?”

“My sister’s! Unnie has been working so hard on her future plans, and everyone was on the same page until today when they drop this bomb on her. They’ve removed Jessica from SNSD!”

Jongin’s jaw drops. He tries to say something and finds that he’s completely speechless. This is shocking, and scary, frankly. The queens of the girl group industry, the prime female faces of SM – after being together all these years, they’re removing a member against her will? He shudders at the cruelty of the business.

While Jongin is collecting his thoughts, Krystal continues her diatribe against various people in SM (from members, to managers, to the CEO). Jongin convinces her to explain a little more about what exactly happened today and her theories on why.

“It’s because of her new fashion venture. They said they supported it, and she was always open about where she was in the process. She’s just been making an investment in her future – we can’t be idols forever, you know.” The statement makes Jongin grimace; he’s not ready to think about that yet. He’s got zero plans to fall back on at the moment. “And it’s not like the others aren’t doing the same things! They’ve got their radio stations or their acting gigs and other activities separate from SNSD.”

“Yeah, well, that’s a little different, though, since all the contracts are still run through SM, and the company gets their percentage of the earnings as the talent agency, so—“ Jongin realizes his words aren’t going to help and cuts himself off. But it's a moment too late: Krystal starts lunging toward him.

“Who’s side are you ON??” she shrieks as she goes to hit him on the shoulder. Normally, Jongin wouldn’t worry too much about this kind of friendly whop, but Krystal’s really mad and might actually pack some heat behind this one on accident, so he reaches up to grab her wrist and prevent the blow. Unable to vent her rage through a satisfying whack, Krystal grunts in frustration and goes at him with her other fist, but he blocks it similarly and is now clutching each of her wrists easily in his hands. She struggles against his grip for a moment, seething while glaring at his chest, as he tries to get her to look at his face.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m on your side. Look – it’s me. I’m always on your side, alright?” Jongin is pleading with her, speaking in a soothing tone and succeeding in finally getting eye contact. Krystal is out of breath, from all the pacing, yelling, and now struggling, but the anger slides off her face once they lock eyes. Her expression is replaced by tears as she succumbs to the sadness of her sister’s predicament.

“It’s just… I feel so betrayed. It’s not fair to her,” Krystal cries.

Jongin gently lets go of her wrists and cradles her face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears. “I know, I’m sorry. I understand.” Krystal keeps sobbing, and he continues to clear her face as the drops seep from her eyes. Jongin feels himself getting emotional now, overcome with deep sympathy, wanting to stem the flow of tears and patch up the wounded girl in front of him. Without thinking, Jongin leans forward and kisses her forehead softly.

Krystal pulls back a little and looks up at him, surprise evident on her face. “What are you doing?”

“I—nothing. I was just trying to console you. It’s hurting me to see you so sad, and I just want you to feel better… so I gave you a friendly kiss.”

“How very American of you,” Krystal quips dryly. Her remark breaks the tension in the air, and Jongin’s quick to snicker at it. She arches an eyebrow as she questions, “A friendly kiss? Really, dude? Is there such a thing as _kisses_ between friends?”

Jongin’s about to say _‘yes, of course there is,‘_ when his heart stops and he gulps, thinking about Kyungsoo. His eyes shift to the wall behind Krystal as he ponders the question. “I—I’m not sure. Can you still be considered just friends if you kiss sometimes, or regularly? Do you think some people can separate physical intimacy from deeper feelings and just think of the other person as a friend? Like, can some people _really_ be satisfied being friends with benefits? I don’t know if I can,” Jongin blathers on as he’s thinking aloud.

Krystal is now blushing furiously, and Jongin almost smacks his own forehead, realizing how this must sound to her when he JUST KISSED HER. “No, no. I didn’t mean – I’m just talking too much. You know I’m an idiot like that sometimes. Sorry, I just kissed you as a friend there, and it was only once, so… that other stuff I was talking about was all just hypothetical nonsense,” he babbles out quickly.

Krystal senses the tables have turned and now the lanky dancer is the one all jittery and uncertain. “Okay, so hypothetically then, how many kisses does it take for the other person become more than a friend? Three? Five? Ten?” she taunts him, visibly enjoying him squirm in discomfort.

“Aish! Forget I ever said anything about kissing and friends and numbers. Gah – I was just trying to help, too! You’re the foreigner who’s supposed to be chill about that kind of stuff. I’m never giving you a friendly kiss ever again!,” he yelps frustratedly, making a childish _‘so there’_ face at her.

Krystal laughs openly at him. “Okay, I’m holding you to that, Kim.”

“Up for some noodles?” Jongin suggests, anxious to shift the conversation elsewhere.

\----------------------------------------------

Kyungsoo arrives back in the dorm from his _Cart_ press conference. He’s really excited at how well the movie is being received, and he’s feeling more confident on the press junket now, after the great coaching he received from Jo Insung during the _It’s Okay, That’s Love_ promotions. He heads to his room to see if Jongin is around, but only Chanyeol is there, hovering over his keyboard and working on a song.

“Hey, Yeol. Have you seen Jongin?” Kyungsoo is actually chipper in his greeting, and Chanyeol seems pleased that the boy’s energy matches his own norm for once.

“Naw, I think he went out a while ago,” Chanyeol says with a grin before returning to his music.

Kyungsoo pulls out his phone and calls him. A few seconds later, though, the two boys hear Jongin’s ringtone, muffled somewhere in the room. Kyungsoo groans as he picks through some of the messy clothes on the floor ( _‘dammit, why are my roommates such slobs?’_ he laments) before finding the device. He’s already being sent to voicemail, so Kyungsoo hangs up his own phone and goes to unlock Jongin’s to delete the unnecessary “Missed Call” notification that will otherwise keep beeping and driving Chanyeol mad while he’s mixing his latest composition.

Chanyeol lets out a low whistle and wiggles his eyebrows. “You know his phone lock code?”

Kyungsoo dismisses the other’s reaction with wave of his hand. “Jongin’s obvious sometimes. I probably could have guessed it if he hadn’t told me.”

“Sure, because you know him so very well, but you didn’t have to guess because he trusts you with it,” Chanyeol says in a knowing voice. “We could prank him so hard with this, though. Oh, I know! Let’s change his wallpaper to something like Yixing’s dimple.”

Kyungsoo is chuckling at Chanyeol’s idea but stops as he looks at the phone. It’s on the text message screen, showing the most recent conversation before it was locked.

 **Krystal**  
I’m falling apart.  
I need you.  
Please, I know it’s one of your rare non-concert days.  
Meet me in our room?

 **Jongin**  
Just got out of the shower – be right there.

Kyungsoo hastily pulls up his “Missed call” notification, deletes it, and locks the phone again, throwing it onto Jongin’s bed.

“Aw, come on! You’re no fun,” Chanyeol whines as he sees they won’t be pranking Jongin after all. He softens though, upon taking in the other’s appearance. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. I’m gonna go out for a bit,” Kyungsoo says shortly, turning on his heels and leaving the room. He storms out of the dorm, replacing his face mask and pulling his hat down low. He normally wouldn’t go out alone like this when it’s dusk and still light enough to potentially get recognized, but he needs air to clear his head. He’s striding through back alleyways while an internal dialogue rages on between a voice of reason and a voice of emotion.

 _‘Okay, stop freaking out.’_  
_‘Who’s freaking out? I’m not freaking out.’_  
_‘Right… anyway, you know they’re friends. There’s no need to get upset about them texting each other.’_  
_‘Of course not, she was only **begging** for him, saying how much she needed him, asking him to come to **their** room.’_  
_‘So they have a room, that doesn’t mean they use it for—‘_  
_‘And he was in such a rush right out of a shower, dripping wet and all sexy like, to meet her in **their** room that he left his phone behind, which he **never does,** maybe even on purpose because he doesn’t want them to be interrupted when they’re—’_

Kyungsoo stops walking, raises his face to the darkening sky, and lets out a tight growl of exasperation. He turns to the unsuspecting wall on his right and starts kicking it over and over, muttering curses under his breath. When his hissy fit is done, he tries to regain his composure so he can grab some convenience store food and at least make this trip productive for his stomach, if not for his heart. As he’s about to leave the alleyway, though, he catches a glimpse of Jongin in a tiny, hole-in-the-wall restaurant whose entrance is a rather obscure backdoor here in the alley. He does a double-take ( _‘are you really so pathetic that you’re now imagining him everywhere you go?’)_ , and quickly ducks back away from the entrance once he affirms that it’s him. There’s one large picture window that looks into the restaurant from the alley, so Kyungsoo briskly walks past it and leans against the wall, pulling out his phone and pretending to check email. In reality, he’s throwing sideways glances through the window to spot Jongin again. He sees him at a table for two with, who else, Krystal. They’re eating and chatting, and Jongin is sharing his brightest smiles with the girl. A door across the alley opens suddenly, startling Kyungsoo, and kitchen staff from a neighboring restaurant come out to throw trash bags in the dumpster right next to him. He clears his throat, pockets his phone, and slinks off.

 _‘You’re pitiful. You were seriously lurking in a dark alley, next to a dumpster, to spy on your boyf—your whatever-he-is while he has dinner with another mutual friend. Dude,’_ he chastises himself.

His self-loathing rises up like bile in his throat, and he can’t clear it away, with tears stinging his eyes in reaction to the bitterness. _‘Yeah, I am pathetic. And I can’t even properly label who he is to me.’_ The “It’s Complicated” relationship status line has never been more apropos. _‘But I don’t know if she’s **just** a mutual friend to us.’_ It crosses his mind that he doesn’t even know if Jongin is gay or bisexual. He’s just assumed the younger is interested in women… but Jongin had assumed the same about him, given their very first encounter backstage at the SMTOWN concert that started their physical relationship, where he thought Kyungsoo had been with Krystal. And the truth is, Kyungsoo has known for quite a while that he’s strictly gay.  

A kinder voice breaks through (making Kyungsoo feel further like he’s crazy because wtf, why does he have so many voices in his head): _‘Look, you two are complicated but in a special, beautiful way. You’re both very important to each other, you know that. It’s only natural that you’d be curious about who else he spends his time with and where they stand with him. How about you just talk to him?’_

The question haunts him as he trudges home. He could, he _should_ , just talk to Jongin, but there’s so much at stake. To try and talk about it now, 9 months into this… whatever this was, seems so daunting. Still unsure what to do but exhausted mentally, emotionally, and now physically, Kyungsoo flops back on his bed and falls asleep.

.

.

.

He wakes up as Jongin enters the room and starts to assemble his toiletries for the bathroom.

“Oh, sorry hyung! I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“’s okay,” Kyungsoo replies, voice heavy with sleep. He sees Jongin grinning broadly as he gathers his stuff and retrieves his phone, checking for messages. “You seem like you’re in a good mood…”

“Yeah, I am. Always nice to have a day off for once! Oh, how did your press conference go?”

“Ah, pretty good… so what did you do on your day off?”

Jongin’s half-distracted as he’s answering, reading through emails. “I ended up spending a lot of the day with Krystal, actually. Did you hear? They kicked Jessica out of SNSD.”

This is news to Kyungsoo. “They did **what??** ”

“Exactly my reaction. And it definitely wasn’t a mutual parting of ways. Jessica’s upset about it, and so Krystal is, too. She’s livid, actually.”

“…and being around that put you in a good mood?” Kyungsoo questions, feeling really uneasy about the answer he might receive.

“Oh, well, I mean… I was upset at first, but I was able to make her feel better, so that puts me in a good mood. It’s always nice to know you can make someone important to you feel better when they’re down.”

Well, that did make sense, but that Krystal was someone important… Kyungsoo’s heard enough for now and isn’t up for asking those other questions that’d been on his mind earlier. “Yeah… I’m gonna go back to sleep if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, sorry again, and I’ll be quiet when I get back from the bathroom. Good night, Soo.”

 _‘No, it’s a terrible one,’_ he sulks to himself as he drifts off.

\----------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Full moon

Kyungsoo: Waning gibbous

\----------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference for [the start of the chapter:](https://youtu.be/cJndVaX4eXI?t=3m44s) Enjoy the little run in between Chen and Kai over D.O., then you can skip ahead a little to 4:40 for their epic hug (so squishy!)
>   * Here's an article noting the timeline for when [Jessica got kicked out of SNSD](http://www.kpopstarz.com/articles/118736/20141001/jessica-confirms-she-was-forced-out-of-girls-generation-by-the-other-members.htm). I imagine Krystal had a hard time with it as well :( I will occasionally cite articles for irl events that I incorporate into the story, too. (There's a long timeline I kept while creating the story to make sure I kept all the dates consistent.) 
> 

> 
> I had written a lot for this chapter (5500+ words, wat), and ended up splitting it into 2 chapters instead. I'll be posting Ch 12 today, too.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading/kudos/comments! I always reply. （*＾3＾）


	12. The Fog Lifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A/N: Updated 2 ch today - be sure you've read Ch 11 before starting this one!*
> 
> Immediately following Ch 11 (think of it as part 2)…

Luhan’s official announcement that he’s leaving the group comes as less of a shock than Yifan’s was, but Jongin is still feeling messed up over it. The members had all whispered a bit behind closed doors, with Luhan dropping plenty of hints without outright telling them his exact exit plan, but nothing had been totally confirmed until today. Jongin is irritated that they’d tell the members only a few days prior to announcing it publicly, and he’s even more upset that they didn’t wait until they could all be in the same room: Kyungsoo’s at another _Cart_ screening when they drop the news.

Jongin approaches Jaehyuk right after the meeting. “So does Kyungsoo already know?”

“What? Oh, no. I didn’t tell him this morning, figured it wouldn’t be good to send him in to the screening with that weighing on him.”

“Then who’s going to tell him?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ll do it later tonight, I suppose,” Jaehyuk replies dismissively.

“No, I’ll do it,” sighs Jongin. He doesn’t really want to be the bearer of bad news to Kyungsoo, but he’s not confident Jaehyuk will be sensitive enough in delivering it. Plus, this way maybe he can make it up to Kyungsoo for not sticking around with him during the Yifan news. Yes, this time, he’ll be strong and help the other as opposed to running away, and hopefully he’ll be able to prevent Kyungsoo from pulling away like he did last time. Jongin doesn’t think he could handle the older’s absence again…

 _‘If you’re going to be any use at all, you need to get yourself right first. No dumping your baggage on Kyungsoo,’_ he decides. A quick text to Krystal, and half an hour later, they’re back in the Room of Sorrows.

“Don’t get me wrong, I like hanging out with you, but damn do we need to stop meeting under these kinds of circumstances,” jokes Krystal as she pulls him into a hug the moment he walks in.

“I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’m all out of tears for this year. I mean… FUCKING HELL. When are we going to catch a break!?” Jongin returns the hug briefly and then steps back, contemplating. “This room is depressing, and I don’t want to get weepy this time if I can help it. I need… I dunno… I need to scream or something instead.”

“Oh, **_that_** I can relate to,” Krystal says with fire flashing in her eyes. Clearly, the news about her sister from last week still has her worked up. Jongin has an “aha” moment and grasps her by the wrist.

“Come on, I’ve got an idea.” Before the girl gets a chance to respond, he’s tugging her out of the room and starting to jog down the corridor toward the stairwell. She catches onto the urgency and hustles to keep up with him. Jongin is taking the stairs two at a time, belatedly realizing that might not be so easy for Krystal to do, but she’s right on his heels, double-timing it up the steps. It feels good to run, each step helping with their anger. Up and up they go, until there are no more stairs to climb. Jongin busts through the exit door and they stumble out onto the rooftop.

He’s breathing heavily, taking in the view. _‘From up here, you can really feel like you’re away from the world,’_ he muses. Strong wind whips through his hair as he closes his eyes for a moment and enjoys the autumn sun on his face.

Krystal’s standing next to him, trying to catch her breath. “It’s beautiful,” she says, just loud enough to be heard over the wind, gazing at him with soft eyes.  

He smiles back. “Yeah, it is. But that’s not why we’re here. This place is high enough up that combined with the road noise down below and the wind, I’m pretty sure we’re safe from being overheard... I think it’s time for a big, ugly, primal yell. What do you say?”

She looks at him in disbelief for a moment. “You’re crazy,” Krystal tosses her hair, trying to get the long strands out of her face but to no avail given the swirling winds. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… okay. Let’s do it.”

“On the count of three: one… two… three!” Jongin takes a deep breath, tips his head back, and unleashes the loudest bellow he can muster. Krystal doesn’t disappoint him, squeezing her eyes shut and screeching at the top of her lungs as well. They scream until their breaths run out and they’re both doubled over with their hands on their knees. Jongin pops his eyes open at the same time Krystal is opening hers, and when their eyes meet they both dissolve into fits of laughter.

“That was surprisingly therapeutic,” she says with a smirk.

“You should know by now that my impulses often have great results,” Jongin chides. He sits down and lets his thoughts spill naturally now that he’s opened the flood gates of emotions. “I’m mad that we’re losing another member, but I understand why Luhan wants to leave. I’m worried the critics and the fans will say that EXO’s falling apart when I believe we’re still strong as ever, musically. And I’m sad… I’m really sad that I won’t get to see Luhan, probably ever again. You know the company won’t _ever_ condone it, and sneaking around seems like a bad idea, so I really feel like this is it: I’ll never see Yifan or Luhan again. With Yifan, I didn’t even get to say goodbye. With Luhan… how do you say goodbye to someone knowing it will literally be for forever?” He can’t help the tears that are now forming in his eyes.

“I hadn’t thought about it that way before. I’m lucky, I suppose, because at least Jinri and Jessica are still in SM, so it’s not taboo to be friends with them, and they didn’t leave the country…” Krystal crouches down and huddles close, wrapping an arm around him as she averts her eyes from his falling tears to give him a bit of privacy in his mourning. “You’re going to make it through this, though. You’re so strong, Jongin. I really admire that about you.”

“I don’t feel strong, but thanks,” he replies, wiping his face on his sleeve. A few quiet minutes go by like this, with Jongin slowly gaining his composure and Krystal still squatting silently next to him, watching the clouds go by and letting him process everything.

She turns to look at him as she breaks the silence. “Should I give you a ‘friendly kiss’ to make you feel better?” she teases, doing exaggerated air quotes with her fingers as she says his cringeworthy line in her best Jongin-imitation voice.

“Don’t you dare,” he retorts, pushing her away from him with a gentle shove that knocks her off-balance and onto her butt. He laughs and offers her a hand to help her stand up. “Thanks for being there for me again.”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for,” she says with a grin. “Even if everyone else leaves us, one-by-one, we’ll always have each other, right?”

“Right,” Jongin agrees as they leave the rooftop and head back down to the world below.

\----------------------------

Kyungsoo enters the dorm after another long day of _Cart_ screenings. He’s looking forward to eating and then immediately collapsing, but the mood in the living room is decidedly eerie. “Hey, what’s up?” he greets them carefully. Everyone is avoiding his gaze, and it’s not even a little bit subtle.

“Uh, I think Jongin wants to talk with you,” Sehun finally blurts out, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

 _‘Oh shit. Did our hookups become common knowledge?’_  Kyungsoo panics a little inside. “Okay, is he in?”

“Yeah, I think he’s cleaning your room.”

Now Kyungsoo’s _really_ worried. Not in the mood to delay, he goes straight to their room. Sure enough, Jongin has picked up his and Chanyeol’s clothes off the floor and is currently sweeping.

“Hi, hyung. I was just –“

“I see what you’re doing; you’re cleaning, and you never clean. What’s going on? Sehun said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah, um… why don’t you sit down first?” Jongin suggests, patting the bed beside him.

“Sit down… so you’re worried about how I’m going to take this.” Kyungsoo says solemnly, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“A little. I-I have some bad news,” he starts to say, and Kyungsoo’s heart rate jumps through the roof as his mind spins.

 _‘Settle down, this is why you’ve been careful not to fall in love. (‘…this time,’ a nagging voice interrupts.) You knew you needed to keep that last piece of your heart out of it because this was bound to happen sooner or later.’_ He sits down and avoids looking at Jongin, afraid his face will tell all of his secret fears.

“It’s… about Luhan. He’s filing for contract nullification this week,” Jongin says gently, voice full of care.

Kyungsoo eyes widen as he looks up and lets out the breath he’d been holding. “Well, that… sucks,” he’s saying sincerely, but there’s relief in his voice and Jongin picks up on it, furrowing his brows as he tries to decipher it. “That really sucks.”

“But… you seem, relieved?”

Kyungsoo gulps, not wanting to let on his original thoughts of what this talk might have been about. “Well, I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I mean, we all did, right? I didn’t think it’d be this week, but I guess his health’s really reached a breaking point for him, so I get it. Is he still around?”

“I think the managers are arranging for us to have a Skype session before the official announcement so we can have somewhat of a goodbye before upper management puts a ban on contacting him…”

“Well damn, that day is going to be awful,” Kyungsoo says morosely. He chews on his lip thinking about what he’s going to say to the sweet guy who was always kind to him and patient when helping him work on his Mandarin for songs.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be terrible… I’ve got to say, though, you’re handling it a lot better than I did.” He stands up to resume sweeping now that he’s satisfied that Kyungsoo is alright. “I actually dragged Krystal up to the roof of the SM building to scream at the sky for a while,” Jongin says chuckling at himself.

And just like that, Kyungsoo feels a lump in his throat again. It’s now or never. Kyungsoo’s got to know.

“You, uh, you like to spend time with her when you’re upset, or when she’s upset,” he states matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, I suppose it’s just kinda turned out that way. We’ve been there for each other through the craziness of the past several months. I guess it’s only natural that when you’re hurting, you cling to people you feel safe with, at home with,” Jongin muses aloud as he stoops down to sweep the dirt pile into the dustpan.

Kyungsoo’s eyes have dropped to his hands, which he’s now wringing in his lap. Water fills his eyes but he tries not blink and release them, as though he could will the tears back into the ducts from which they came and have all the pain he’s feeling right now disappear just as magically. “I see,” he says in a trembling voice. “You’re just… more comfortable with her…”

Jongin stops cleaning as he hears the warble in Kyungsoo’s words. “More?” he asks, coming back over to the bed. Kyungsoo opts to just look at him rather than answer. Jongin's eyes are flickering back in forth trying to puzzle out the reason for the tears when his face changes with recognition. “No, that’s not… Are you… worried? Jealous? Of me hanging out with Krystal?”

“Maybe.” He can’t keep his bottom lip from quivering.

“Don’t be, Soo. I wish I could have been with you earlier when I got the news; I actually requested that I be the one to tell you tonight because I wanted to be there for you, be that person for you when you first heard the news. I… I was worried about how you might take it given what happened when we got the news about Yifan.” Kyungsoo flinches at first but reminds himself that Jongin doesn’t know his withdrawal had nothing to do with Kris leaving and everything to do with catching him in the arms of Krystal. He’s touched that Jongin is so concerned for his feelings, that he’d want to break the news and comfort him. This caring sentiment warms Kyungsoo from the inside out, and he relaxes some. “Wait, so this is how you react when you’re jealous? You get sad?” Jongin’s question is accompanied by that half-smirk that makes him look too hot for his own good.

 _‘Well, first I get pissy and fight walls,_ ’ Kyungsoo thinks but decides to keep that part to himself. He feels uncomfortable under the other’s scrutiny and shifts on the bed. “I guess, yeah, being jealous makes me kind of… insecure and sad. Why – why are you smirking? Is this amusing to you?”

Jongin kneels down onto the bed as he replies. “It is, just because it’s so different from how I react when I’m jealous.”

Kyungsoo’s breathing hitches as Jongin starts crawling toward him. “And how is that?” he asks.

Jongin is now looking positively predatory as he places one hand on Kyungsoo’s thigh and squeezes lightly. “You don’t remember?” The words have barely finished escaping his lips when he leans in and attacks Kyungsoo's mouth with a fierce kiss that threatens to send them both toppling backward on the bed. Kyungsoo keeps them upright, though, pressing back into the kiss, moaning a bit in response. He lets Jongin suck and nibble possessively at his lips while he tangles his fingers in the boy’s hair.

Intoxicated by Jongin's kiss and wandering hand on his thigh, Kyungsoo plucks up the courage to ask directly: “So you and Krystal, you’re not – I don’t need to be jealous?”

“She’s a friend. There’s nothing to be jealous of,” Jongin says murmuring the words against the heart-shaped lips he refuses to back away from. His body is now flush with Kyungsoo’s and pressing down, encouraging him to lay back on the bed. “You know you’re the only one I kiss like this.”

Kyungsoo’s arms are still propping himself up, resisting the urge to collapse back and pull the boy with him. “No, actually, I don’t know…”

“Well, you are. And now,” Jongin kisses him deeply, tongue delving into the Kyungsoo's mouth with a low groan, “you know.”

With another push of Jongin’s lips against his, Kyungsoo can’t help but give in and fall.

\------------------------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Full moon

Kyungsoo: Full moon

\------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference for [their bedroom/the messiness](http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3cf00t): Go to 2:05. Also, I use a lot of the info from that video in the story, just as little background bits. A great watch if you've never seen it before.
> 

> 
> So it’s finally out there: they’re exclusive. :throws confetti: Even though their talk about being exclusive was more open than any other talks about their relationship, it's still heavily guarded. But let us enter the fluffy zone! Next ch is one of my favs ^^
> 
> I have to admit that even though I’m 100% a **hardcore Kaisoo shipper** and this fic is obviously Kaisoo-centric… I really enjoyed writing the Kaistal scenes, too. (What is this black magic??) Anyway, even if you don’t ship Kaistal (and I don’t…), I hope you find at least some aspects of their interactions in this fic enjoyable.


	13. Clear Night

JUST BEFORE EXODUS ERA

 

Jongin wakes up and stretches out lazily on his bed. He’s glad they’re back in the dorm after being in Japan a lot lately for their concerts. They actually got to sleep in for once, but that’ll end soon with the need to get ready for the year end shows and their next album. He glances at Kyungsoo’s bed, already anticipating that the singer won’t be there. _‘Even on such a rare occasion on this, of course he’ll still be up early, already hard at work on something no doubt.’_ He smiles thinking about the object of his affection and feels that familiar sense of pride and respect mixing with all the other warm feelings he has toward the older. As he wanders out to the common room, he’s met with loud chattering and teasing laughter from several of the members. “What’s going on?” he inquires to no one in particular.

“Haven’t you heard? D.O’s apparently a noona killer,” Baekhyun flutters his eyelashes at Kyungsoo mockingly.

The dark-haired boy groans but still blushes at the teasing. “Shut up, Baek.” Jongin is less than pleased that this is the source of commotion and motions with his hands for Baekhyun hurry up and actually explain what he means.

“No way I’m shutting up today, not when a nice high profile dating scandal might be breaking in the group and thank God it’s not about me this time: The rumor of the day is that Kyungsoo’s dating Sojin from Girl’s Day. Look.” He tilts his laptop screen toward Jongin so he can see the news site with various pieces of evidence that the two are dating. “Hey, look with your eyes, not with your hands!” whines Baekhyun as the dancer wrenches the laptop out of his grasp and sits down with it to read more closely.

Couple shoes. Sojin saying her first love came from Gwangjin-gu, where their dorm is. Couple rings. Pics of them on a fishing trip together. Jongin’s silently stewing over this info while Jongdae’s excitedly yelling, “see, even Jongin thinks it might be true!” which is followed by roars of laughter from several other members. Chanyeol interrupts and starts talking about a new drama that just started airing, and the members move on to the new topic of conversation while Jongin’s still reading the article. Kyungsoo sidles over next to him on the couch.

“Hey, put it down,” the singer says softly in his ear as he places a hand gently on the younger’s. “You know this is ridiculous.”

“Is it?” Jongin replies with a tense jaw.

“Of course it is,” whispers the other. “Those shoes are from one of our sponsors – I kept mine because, let’s face it, they’re black and I pretty much only wear black. And since when do I fish? That picture is supposedly from this past month; between _Cart_ promotions and our concerts, when have I had time to leave the city to fish?” The older is raising one eyebrow and twisting his mouth into a bemused smile to express how ludicrous he thinks the whole thing is.

Jongin sets down Baek’s laptop and motions Kyungsoo to follow him. Once they’re both standing in the middle of their room with the door closed, he reaches out and holds Kyungsoo’s hands in his, interlacing their fingers. “Okay, you’re right. Sorry.” He rubs small, apologetic circles on the singer’s palms with his thumbs. “So when are the managers going to send out an official announcement that it’s not true?”

Kyungsoo looks at the dancer like he’s grown two heads. “Um, they’re not. Why would they even bother to address it when it’s so far-fetched?”

“But… but if they don’t say anything, then people will assume the rumors are correct!”

“No, the best way to deal with it is to not acknowledge it and let it die out. An official denial will only fan the flames that there’s something to the rumors and they’re important enough that SM felt that had to release a statement,” argues Kyungsoo.

Jongin growls in frustration. He knows what his hyung is saying makes sense, but he can’t help but feel put out by this. Selfishly, he doesn’t want people to associate Kyungsoo romantically with anyone else, even in rumors. His grip on their interlaced hands gets tighter as he subconsciously tugs the older boy closer as though this can help keep the pale-skinned treasure all to himself. Kyungsoo is smirking at him, watching his reaction carefully.

“And honestly, if Jaehyuk decides to ask me my opinion on it, which he probably won’t,” he prefaces, “I’d still tell him not to say anything.”

“WHY? If they give you a choice, why would you not take it to deny it?”

“Aside from what I already explained? I find it pretty hot when you get all possessive like this.” He bites the corner of his lower lip as he admits this to Jongin, looking at him with mischievous eyes.

The dancer moves his hands behind Kyungsoo’s back and roughly pulls his body close, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re enjoying riling me up?” he pants out in a low voice.

“Just a little,” the older obviously lies with a naughty grin. He remains still but pliable in the taller’s arms, letting Jongin decide his next moves. “Or maybe a lot.” Jongin starts to move them toward his bed but Kyungsoo resists. “Chanyeol’s out there and could come in at any moment,” he chastises gently. It’s obvious to the younger that Kyungsoo’s relishing the opportunity to further frustrate him. Jongin traps him against the door instead.

“There, now he’s not coming in without us knowing,” he declares right before crashing their lips together and licking into the other’s mouth, dragging his tongue along the back of his teeth. Kyungsoo’s fingers curl around his collar, tugging him even closer, and his responsive moans are playing havoc with Jongin’s sanity so much that he considers not releasing the man to catch some air even as they seem like they might pass out. Reluctantly, he finally pulls away a little.

Between gasps, Kyungsoo speaks reassuringly. “You know… I’m gay, Jongin… so you’re never going to read a rumor… about me dating some girl… that ever has any truth to it…”

The taller boy lets out a chuckle as he’s catching his own breath. “Good to know.” He’s blushing and feeling a little embarrassed now at his jealous reaction. He can’t quite bring himself to look into Kyungsoo’s eyes, and the older boy senses it, brushing back Jongin’s fringe to encourage better eye contact.

“There’s only you,” Kyungsoo assures once their eyes meet. The words sound heavenly and echo in Jongin’s ears, sending courses of electricity through his body. He pulls the singer back in for a deep, languid kiss.

“Mmmm, say it again,” he begs shamelessly against the side of the older’s throat as he sucks gentle lovebites down to his collarbone.

Kyungsoo’s too busy moaning at the feel of Jongin’s breath on his neck and sinful tongue against his skin to comply right away. “There’s, umfh, there’s only you,” he gets out in such a rich, dulcet tone that Jongin thinks he might climax just from the sound of those words stroking his ego.

They both startle upon hearing Chanyeol’s booming voice from the common room and slowly getting closer. “Alright, alright! I’ll go get it and show you guys. It’s in my room, hang on a minute, okay? Geez, you’re so impatient!”

Luckily, the giant’s monologue in the hallway gives the two enough time to break away and each busy themselves on opposite sides of the room. Jongin pretends to get something under his bed while Kyungsoo’s looking in the closet with an overly thoughtful expression, contemplating which black on black combination he’s going to wear for the day. Chanyeol noisily opens the door and walks straight to his desk drawer, rummaging through it. “Excuse me, just looking for a dvd,” he says without sparing a glance at the others. “Got it!” He races out of the room holding it triumphantly over his head and bangs the door behind him.

Jongin sighs in relief and glances at the singer. “I’m guessing there’s no chance we can pick up right where we left off.”

“Probably not a good idea. Given Yeol’s memory, he likely grabbed the wrong DVD and is going to be back in here in under a minute,” Kyungsoo deadpans.

“UGH,” Jongin pouts dramatically.

“Well, I’m going to take a shower. And I suggest you do the same after I’m done,” Kyungsoo winks at him.

“Can’t I go first? I kind of have a pressing matter to take care of,” the younger whines.

“Nope, I’ve got my own problem to deal with and I thought of the convenient solution first,” taunts the singer. “But consider this: since I’m going first, you can think about what I just did in that shower when it’s your turn in the same one.”

“Oh my gosh, stop being such a tease,” groans Jongin. He reaches out and tries to grab the older by the waist, but the boy hops out of his reach and waggles his finger at him with a quirked brow. “You’re kinky and evil, hyung.” Kyungsoo flashes one more devilish smile at the younger and pats his cheek on his way out of the room, sauntering away with a towel in front of his hips to help him pass through the common room with the tightness in his pants unnoticed by the others on his way to the bathroom.

\----------------------------------

EXO TO HOST EXO’LUXION CONCERT SERIES (3/07/2015)

EXO’S NEW ALBUM, EXODUS, TO DROP ON MARCH 30!

 

Between the end of year shows, recording the new album, and preparing for the new concert series, Kyungsoo has been too busy to take any acting gigs or do much of anything other than rehearse the past few months. He understands the company’s strategy to forge ahead and continue to “strike while the iron is hot” by releasing more EXO material, but even he is getting to his limit on how exhausted he can be while still carrying on at a high level. He feels like the walking dead some days and has gotten to where he can sleep at the drop of a hat, any time, any place. This also means that his personal time with Jongin has been virtually non-existent, too, as other members are always around or one or both of them are passed out from fatigue.

As Kyungsoo fixes some breakfast before dawn, he reflects on how long it’s been since they’ve been able to steal more than a minute of brief kisses in a bathroom or unoccupied dressing room. It’s probably been upwards of two months. In the past, that kind of drought would have had the singer fretting over their status, wondering about Jongin’s feelings and interest in him. But now… now things were different. The younger boy still found ways to make him feel special and cared for while in the presence of others. A gentle hand lingering on his back writing out _‘you’re cute’_ in Hangul, a quick wink when no one else was looking, a teasing prod from his foot under the table while they were dining with the group: Jongin used his whole body to creatively express his affection toward him. They were both still accustomed to communicating their feelings physically rather than verbally, but that was okay now that at least some baseline had been established for their relationship as an exclusive one. Kyungsoo feels relaxed and secure in where they stand, and after such a long period of uncertainty, he’s relishing the peace in his heart.

As he eats, other members are getting ready for the day as well. He’s seen just about everyone pass through the common area except his roommates. Chanyeol strolls through the kitchen while Kyungsoo’s washing off his plate. Yawning, the giant pokes the smaller one. “Hey, Jongin’s still asleep. I tried to rouse him, but I’m barely awake myself. Get him up so Jaehyuk doesn’t go insane on us for being 2 minutes late again?”

Kyungsoo cringes at the memory of Jaehyuk threatening to start bugling in the dorm, military style, to wake them up each morning if they couldn’t be on time in the future. “Okay, I’ll get him up.”

“Awesome. I’ll be in the shower,” Chanyeol says as he pads down the hall.

He enters their room and sees tufts of unruly brown hair peeking out from under the mountain of blankets on Jongin’s bed. Smiling to himself, he starts by twirling the boy’s locks and quietly saying his name. The only response is Jongin burrowing a touch deeper into his pillow. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” Kyungsoo sing-songs. He gently shakes the dancer by grabbing the blankets at about where his hips should be. Perhaps he misses his target, as the reaction is much more pronounced this time, with the hidden boy yelping and sitting up, eyes squinting as he looks around, still sleepy and confused.

When he spots Kyungsoo, he smiles a tired smile and reaches out to grab the older by the shirt and drag him into the bed with him. Kyungsoo giggles and allows himself to be enveloped by Jongin’s arms and fluffy blankets, reveling in the warmth. They’re side by side, facing each other, and the dancer has draped a leg over his hip, clutching the pale-skinned boy like a body pillow. “You have to wake up,” Kyungsoo says to him without any real burden in his voice.

“Mmmm, I am awake. Or I’m having a wonderful dream. Either way, I want to stay right here.” Jongin’s voice is lazy and incredibly sexy, rough with disuse. His grip is fairly heavy, though, Kyungsoo discovers while trying to pull back a bit to reason with him.

Kyungsoo quickly gives up on squirming out of the boy’s hold and sighs contentedly against the bronze chest where his head is resting. _‘There’s not really time for this,_ ’ chastises a voice, but Kyungsoo ignores it because being pressed against the younger feels too perfect to care. _‘Just a minute won’t hurt.’_ Using his fingertips, he slowly strokes the back of Jongin’s leg that’s lying across him, starting from the ankle, up along his calf, across the soft skin behind the knee, and over just a few inches of his lower thigh before stopping and retracing the path back down to the ankle. “I’d love to stay here, too, but you have to get up,” he says more firmly this time.

Jongin is groaning (or is it moaning) as the singer continues to glide his fingers along the path he’s created on the dancer’s leg. “Oh, I’m getting up alright,” he murmurs and rolls on top of the older, pressing their hips together to emphasize his point.

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo shudders. He meant for the name to come out as a reprimand but instead it sounds like an inviting plea. His eyes flutter closed in pleasure as soft lips are suddenly trailing kisses from his forehead, down his nose, and finally to his parted lips. They explore each other’s mouths, swallowing quiet moans while doing so, for a few minutes before Kyungsoo returns to his senses and breaks the spell. “Jongin, seriously, you have to get out of bed.”

“No way, it’s been too long,” the boy complains, trying to convince the older with a more insistent kiss and a drag of his fingers down the side of his neck. He attempts to bring his hand under the other’s shirt but gets intercepted by Kyungsoo grabbing his wrist.

“Chanyeol’s going to be in here any moment and you’re going to be the last one ready as it is. Come on,” the singer chides, patting his back. He’s trying to remain strong, but dammit he hates being the responsible one right now; Jongin’s gorgeous musky scent surrounds him from the sheets and the man himself looming above. This combined with the younger’s hot breath against his ear as he sucks on his lobe makes him almost surrender.

Jongin doesn’t make any move to rise even after Kyungsoo’s chiding, sensing weakness. He continues to pin the smaller boy underneath him to the bed and says with determination, “Not until you promise we’ll find a way to do this later today.”

Jongin’s eagerness sends a ripple of pleasure down Kyungsoo’s spine. Agreeing to those terms is easy. “Okay, promise,” he says quickly. The dancer steals one more kiss before hopping off of him and the bed, stretching his long limbs out. Before Kyungsoo can get out of Jongin’s bed, however, Chanyeol comes barreling through the door in an obvious hurry, shouting as he enters.

“Sorry! It’s just that Jaehyuk is here and barking that we’ve got less than 5 minutes left. Hurry up! He looks ready to tear someone a new asshole.”

Jongin sprints to the closet to throw on some rehearsal clothes while Kyungsoo tries to stealthily slide out of bed and look for socks in a low drawer. He hopes the giant is too distracted to notice that he was in the **_wrong_** bed. Given that Chanyeol’s currently turning his desk inside out looking for something, Kyungsoo thinks they’re safe.

They all miraculously make it out to the van in time to avoid Jaehyuk’s wrath. On the drive to the recording studio, it’s quiet as the members are all absorbed in their phones. Minseok breaks the silence with a loud exclamation. “Oh oh! There’s new evidence that D.O’s dating Sojin!”

Several of the boys start hooting and playfully shoving Kyungsoo. “You sly dog – what’d they do this time to give themselves away, huh?” jokes an overly enthused Jongdae.

“Apparently, they’ve got another pair of couple shoes: the ones with black and white hearts on them,” shares Minseok.

Kyungsoo looks at Jongin next to him, who’s been half-sleeping against the window throughout the discussion. He’s mildly concerned that the dancer is going to be upset over this topic rearing its ugly head again. Jongin looks serene, though, eyes still closed as the members continue to talk.

“Aw, that’s pretty thin. We’ve had those shoes in our house for almost a year now. And don’t we have multiple pairs, too?” Sehun shakes his head, disappointed at the ‘evidence.’

“Well there’s at least one netizen that agrees with you,” Minseok reports. “Get a load of this: this one user posted a group pic of us from a year ago where Kyungsoo and Jongin are both wearing them, and commented: ‘well, then I guess Kai and D.O are dating.’” The van erupts with laughter.

Kyungsoo snaps his head over to check the other boy’s reaction and notices a smug smirk on his lips. “Oh my gosh. You wrote that, didn’t you?” he whispers to the tanned male.

Jongin’s smirk has blossomed into a full scale grin and he cracks an eye open. “Maybe.”

“I can’t believe you’re resorting to anonymously posting on the internet,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes pretends to scoff in disbelief. Secretly, he’s preening over Jongin’s desire to squelch the rumor and publicly claim Kyungsoo as his. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Not as ridiculous as the idea of you and Sojin together. Hey, I’m just helping people consider a different, plausible alternative. Kai and D.O **_could_** be dating,” he states firmly and gives Kyungsoo a meaningful look.

Kyungsoo gulps and looks away, blushing. It might be through a fake, anonymous netizen account, but perhaps they were communicating their feelings verbally, now.

\----------------------------

Phases:

Jongin: Full Moon

Kyungsoo: Full Moon

\----------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Article discussing [rumors about Soo and Sojin](http://www.kpop-map.com/exo-d-o-girls-day-sojin-dating-rumors-resurface/)
>   * And a follow-up article from March 2015, with [that actual netizen comment!](http://www.kpopstarz.com/articles/183783/20150316/exo-do-girls-day-sojin-dating-rumors.htm) (Yes, it’s real!) 
> 

> 
> I had meant to drive more plot but romantic Kaisoo had other plans for this chapter, apparently. Writing them when they’re together and happy was just so natural, ah! I figured this was acceptable given that they just started working out their relationship status. I promise the next chapter moves the story forward a bit more in terms of plot, not just through time.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the inclusion of the D.O/Sojin rumors to their story! I figured it had to come up, haha. Comments and kudos are beloved as always - tell me how you're feeling out there XD
> 
> Here are my [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo) and [Tumblr](http://at1stsoo.tumblr.com) accounts if you want to interact on those platforms ^^


	14. Warm Night with a Chance of Storms

CALL ME BABY ERA

The lead up to this pic:

“Seriously?? The lead role?” Kyungsoo’s heart is beating out of his chest. When he read for the role in _Pure Love_ , he figured it was just a good opportunity to practice and at least be considered in the mix for the lead. He thought he might get one of the supporting actor roles, ultimately, if he was cast at all. Now he’s standing in the dorm’s kitchen with Jaehyuk and receiving news that he’s officially been offered the lead.

Jaehyuk smiles at him sincerely, “Yep, that’s what they said. Congratulations, Kyungsoo.”

“But do you think I’m really ready for a lead part?,” he can’t help but blurt out.

“Of course you are. Don’t be so surprised. Remember, you were voted the top idol actor last year by professionals in the drama industry. Your renown is growing.” The manager pats him on the shoulder as he leaves the room.

Kyungsoo’s face hurts from grinning so widely. Just last week, he found out that little tidbit on camera during EXO’s Guerilla Date, and the others had teased him for his shock and genuine gratitude. Jongin understood how much that praise meant to him, though. That night, the dancer had snuck into his bed after it was lights out in the dorm. The younger boy had slid in next to him after checking to make sure Chanyeol was asleep, and they lay side by side just grinning stupidly at each other for a minute. The warm glow of the moon filtered through the window and illuminated Jongin’s dark chocolate eyes, sparkling with mirth, as he told him, “Hyung, I’m so proud of you.”

Kyungsoo had chuckled bashfully at the praise, causing the other to ask, “What, am I not allowed to be proud of my… of you for your accomplishments?” The unspoken word lingered in the air: _boyfriend._ Neither of them had ever said it – Kyungsoo figured it was because each was still afraid to be the first to use it. The official label didn’t matter to him so much anymore given how well things were going. The word was simultaneously unnecessary and still not enough to describe what they really were to each other.

“Of course you can be proud of me: I really appreciate it,” he’d said shyly. “I didn’t mean to laugh, I just feel awkward when you’re so forthcoming with your admiration.”

“Well I do admire you, so much that I can’t help but gush when I see you so happy,” Jongin said tenderly as he tucked the other’s locks behind his ear. Kyungsoo could only hum contentedly in response and tug the boy closer for an enamored kiss. This was followed by tongues and legs tangling beneath silky sheets, the feel of Jongin writhing under him, quiet moans of his name being chanted over and over again, _‘Kyungsoo, ah, Soo, Soo_ …’

“Why are you so happy by yourself in the kitchen? What, did someone send a new batch of kimchi for you to make spaghetti with?” inquires Baekhyun, snapping him back to reality.

“No. Shove it, Baek. And make dinner yourself for once. I’m going out tonight.” Kyungsoo leaves with a bounce in his step.

“RUDE!” Baekhyun yells after him.

.

.

.

For the tenth time, Kyungsoo fiddles with his facemask and cap pulled low over his eyes. The tiny restaurant he’s in should be out of the way enough to avoid the sasaengs, but one never knows. Each time the door jingles announcing a new customer, he flicks his eyes up to see if it’s Jongin. Finally, he arrives, looking way too polished even though he’s only wearing a fitted tee and torn acid-washed jeans that are clinging to him like a second skin. He’s got a facemask but no hat, and his hair is still slightly upswept with product, though it looks like he’s tried to muss it back down in a more casual style. Kyungsoo curses under his breath at how effortlessly gorgeous he looks as Jongin spots him and trots over to his table.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. The shoot went longer than expected. I ran here as fast as I could after.”

“I can tell. You still look like you’re walking off the cover of a magazine,” the older mutters in response, somewhat disgruntled at how recognizable he looks. Oh well, it wasn’t like they were going to be able to be touchy feely here anyway. Kyungsoo still has plenty of sense of self-preservation to avoid being that open when it can’t be considered fan service.

“Thanks – that’s the hope, right?” Jongin’s disarming grin makes him smile in response. Kyungsoo’s glad the younger is beefing up his modeling portfolio and potentially going after some solo modeling projects. ‘ _He deserves to have something on his own.’_ They order their food before Jongin asks him about their reason for meeting up alone. “So what’s the news you wanted to share? You sounded excited over the phone.”

“Ah, I wanted to tell you first, again, before anyone else finds out. Remember the movie I auditioned for last month? _Pure Love_? I, um, I’ve been offered the lead role.”

“Soo, that’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks! I’m a little nervous about being a lead, but I’m floored that I’ve even been offered the part. The managers are trying to make sure I can be gone for all of the shooting schedule and just jump in as needed with the tour and our repackage promotions.” Kyungsoo thanks the waiter for their food and starts to eat.

Jongin, on the other hand, freezes. “What do you mean, ‘all of the shooting?’ How’s this one different from the last drama or the other movie? You just filmed during the day and around our other schedules.”

“Well, this movie takes place in Goheung and they’ll be filming on set, so it’s not like I can just film during days and be back at the dorm at nights. The cast and crew are going to live there from mid-June though early August, probably,” he explains between bites. He slows down as he notices Jongin still hasn’t touched his food. He looks up at him quizzically.

“And you’re okay with that. Moving and living 4.5 hours away from Seoul.” The dancer’s tone is flat.

Kyungsoo’s heart aches a bit, due to that distance and the gloomy expression Jongin now wears in place of the previously exuberant one. “I know, it sucks, but it’s work. Sometimes work takes you places you’d prefer not to be, and I can’t control where the movie is set. This is a really big break for me, if I get to do it.”

“Yeah… I know.” Jongin still sounds surly, and Kyungsoo feels like the wind has been stolen right out of his sails.

“I thought you’d be happy for me. You always have been in the past.”

The younger sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, looking like he’s trying to choose the right words before responding. “I’m happy your talents are being recognized, and I think you’d be incredible as a lead actor, you know that. But I’m not going to pretend that I’d be happy with you taking so much time off away from EXO to film, especially when we’ll be in the middle of so many group promotions. I just wish you could do the movie on the side, rather than moving away to film and treating our group performances and promotions as the side activity.”

Kyungsoo bristles at this interpretation of what might happen. “That’s not fair, Jongin. First, we don’t even know if the filming schedule is going to conflict with EXO schedules. If it does, I’m sure SM will tell me I can’t do it. Second, you’re acting like I’m going to brush off my commitments to EXO when I’ve never done that before. Why would you think I’m going to treat acting as my main priority and put the group on the back burner? What did I ever do to deserve that kind of assumption from you?” He’s trying to keep his composure, but his voice starts to shake with a mix of anger and hurt.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, and I don’t want to fight.” Jongin looks remorseful over his words and cautiously continues. “It’s just… that’s… that’s a long time to be away. From the group.” The dancer finally picks up some food with his chopsticks, breaking eye contact as he whispers so quietly Kyungsoo almost doesn’t catch it, “From me.” The boy busies himself with eating, and the elder can tell it’s in large part due to nerves; Jongin’s really put it out there and isn’t sure how he’s going to react.

Now that he understands Jongin’s real concerns, Kyungsoo’s heart softens. Under the table, he rubs his leg gently against Jongin’s in a way he hopes is still out of view from any onlookers. “Hey. I’d miss you, too. A lot. It’d be the worst part about being gone.” This succeeds in getting a small, but still worried smile out of the younger. “You know I’d call and text you all the time if I end up going? And I’ll still be back for any group performances, so it’s not like it’d really be a full month apart.” His left hand slides under the table to stroke the other’s knee reassuringly.

“Okay, okay. I believe you. Let’s not think about it anymore until we know for sure what’s happening.” Jongin steals some food from Kyungsoo’s plate which earns him a loud “tsk” and playful chopsticks snapping at his nose. “Congrats again on being a hot, sought after actor,” the boy says sincerely.

Kyungsoo grins and blushes. _‘Wow, we’re even bickering like a real couple now.’_ He never realized how happy he could be about having an argument…

.

.

.

It’s looking more and more like the _Pure Love_ role is going to be approved by SM, but Kyungsoo decides not to discuss it with anyone until it’s a completely done deal. He vows to himself to make Jongin feel as solid as possible in their relationship before the upcoming time apart, dedicating all his free moments to fooling around (one way or another…) with him and looking for opportunities to further play up their interactions in public. They’re at a Japanese fan meet right now, and he gets the chance to name the member he’d most likely be a fan of if he was a girl. _‘Thank you for serving that one up for me,’_ Kyungsoo cheers to the heavens.

“For me, it’d be Kai. If you see his performances, you’d definitely fall in love with him.” D.O says unabashedly.

Kai can’t contain his joy. He hops up to do a hip thrusting dance move, leaving Kyungsoo to whimper internally, _‘geez, leave something to their imagination’_ as he giggles and blushes on the outside. Kai stares at him adoringly for a moment before taking his turn to answer.

“Well, for me, I don’t need to think about it. It’s Baekhyunnie.” Kai jumps up and makes a show out of pointing out the singer sitting behind D.O. “He’s cute and has a really good voice.”

_‘Oh you’ll answer for that later,’_ Kyungsoo thinks. He imagines ways he’ll get the younger back, maybe requiring him to beg for his attention while declaring whose voice _really_ makes him weak in the knees…

“Honestly, I want to pick D.O hyung, but he’s already been chosen, so I wanted to pick the others so everyone will be chosen.” Kyungsoo looks and sees Jongin smiling broadly at him, and he can’t help but smile back, all thoughts of ‘revenge’ gone in a flash.

_’Nice save, babe.’_

 

In the van ride back to the hotel, everyone is in various stages of sleep. On the back row, Kyungsoo settles into Jongin’s side as the taller boy wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Thanks for picking me, hyung,” he hears him whisper. The younger boy, with his radiant skin shining in the moonlight, is gazing at him with so much fondness it makes the older’s heart swell. Kyungsoo tries to capture the striking image in his memory to treasure for all time, before he can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

“Mmmm,” the singer acknowledges, feeling almost drunk with exhaustion. “Thanks for picking me, too.”

“But I technically picked Baekhyun,” Jongin says, glancing down at him with a bemused smile.

“I’m not talking about the fan meet, pabo…” Kyungsoo replies as he snuggles in closer and slips off to dreamland.

\-------------------------------------

Blind-sided. That’s how Jongin’s feeling this time around. The letter that Tao’s father posts online catches them all by surprise, maybe even Tao. It’s pretty apparent that this is the end of the road for Zitao, unless SM does something drastic which is highly unlikely given their track record of ‘negotiating’ with their idols.

For Jongin, the pain’s not really the same as the other times, though. _‘Geez, what does it say about me, about us, that I’m starting to feel numb to losing another member?’_ He sighs and puts in his earphones, wanting to drown out any questions floating around in his head with mindless music. He sits on his bed and stares at Kyungsoo’s empty one across the room. Once again, he’s not here when shit is going down: he’s at a script reading for _Hello, Monster_. _‘At least he’s only in a few episodes of this one. He’ll be done with filming after just a handful of days, unlike OTHER potential projects,’_ Jongin reflects with a tinge of bitterness.

His phone buzzes, interrupting his music. He checks the text.

**Krystal**  
Hey… I just heard about Tao.  
Are you okay?

 

Jongin debates whether to respond or not. Meanwhile, the messages keep coming in.

 

**Krystal**  
I’m around, do you want to meet up?  
I can be in the Room of Sorrows whenever you’re available.  
Or we could get noodles again?  
…you’re worrying me. Should I try to drop by the dorm?

 

He knows she means well, but Jongin decides he just really wants to be alone. Plus, he senses Kyungsoo might not be too thrilled with the idea of him commiserating with Krystal again, given how he’d been insecure last time when they hung out as Luhan left.

 

**Jongin**  
I’m okay. Kinda numb, honestly.  
I think I just wanna be alone right now.  
Thanks for reaching out, though.

**Krystal** Are you sure?  
I don’t want you wallowing alone – I’m a good wallower, you know.

**Jongin**  
Oh you’re the best. No need to prove your wallowing skills.  
I appreciate the offer, but I’m alright.

**Krystal**  
Okay.

 

A few minutes pass, and Jongin gets absorbed in his music again, closing his eyes and willing sleep to envelope him. Another buzz of his phone prevents him from dozing off.

 

**Krystal**  
I miss you.

 

He realizes it has been months since they’ve hung out together. Part of that is due to EXO’s busy schedule, but Jongin knows he’s also just been a neglectful friend of late. While in the past, he’d prioritize hanging out with Krystal or Taemin or others, he’s been choosing instead to spend his limited free time with a certain porcelain-skinned beauty whose heart-shaped smiles light up his world. No regrets on that, of course, but he does feel a twinge of guilt now that he thinks about how much he’s ignored non-member friends. Before he can text back, he gets another message.

 

**Krystal**  
I know you’ve got a lot going on. Just… let me know if you ever want to get food or something.  
I’d love to catch up, that’s all.

**Jongin**  
Yeah, it’s been too long.  
We’ll get together soon – I promise.

.

.

.

One month later, and Jongin’s fears have been confirmed: Kyungsoo’s officially going to be the lead for _Pure Love_ and live in another province for practically a month. The older boy breaks the news to him supposedly right when he knows, but it’s in the dressing room the morning of another concert in another country (Shanghai this time), so there isn’t really time to talk about it. Kyungsoo looks concerned for how he’s taking it, though, and gives his hand a firm squeeze as they have to rejoin the group.

Jaehyuk gathers the members for a pep talk before heading out to start the show. “Okay, we’ve been doing research into what fans gush about the most after the concerts so that we can keep improving our ments. Baekhyun, keep coming up with long-winded stories about the host city. Sehun, you need to up the maknae factor a bit. More aegyo or requests for aegyo from the other members. Lay, keep acting confused.”

“What?” Lay asks, having not been paying attention.

“Perfect. Kai and D.O, more whispering in each other’s ears. Chanyeol, keep pestering D.O in new ways.”

“You hear that, Soo? It’s sanctioned bullying. I’m gonna be all over you like Jongin on chicken,” Chanyeol jests while waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Kyungsoo’s pealing laughter makes Jongin swoon but Chanyeol’s subsequent tickling of the singer and the resulting headlock makes him grimace at the pair’s rehearsal for their on-stage antics. _‘Does Yeol really have to touch and grab him constantly? I swear, he enjoys harassing him too much.’_ Jongin huffs and looks away when he sees the giant look his direction like he’s detecting his frustration.

Later on stage, it’s time for a long talk, so Jongin seizes the moment to get whisper-y with Kyungsoo. Just thinking about the boy’s breath tickling his neck when they have these impromptu moments on-stage is enough to make Jongin tingle. “Jagi,” he whispers at the singer to get his attention. “Come here… I wanna soak up all the time I can with you.” He’s never actually used that pet name for him before and doesn’t mean for it to come out quite as needy as it does, but hell, he’s already laid it out there for the older: Jongin is going to miss him, a lot.

Kyungsoo smiles but goes over to whisper to Chanyeol before coming back to him. “Bold move, calling me Jagi in front of fans? Really?” he teases. The way the singer’s lips press lightly against his ear is enough to make Jongin melt, but Kyungsoo’s also holding him possessively by the neck and wrapping a reassuring arm around his waist. “Don’t worry… I’m going to call and text so much you’ll be sick of me. And I’ll be thinking about you every day and night we’re apart.”  This is about as public a display of affection as they can possibly get, with Kyungsoo essentially kissing his ear as each word falls off his lips. Jongin wishes he could freeze time while everything’s so perfect.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

\--------------------------------------------

Phases:  
Jongin: Full Moon  
Kyungsoo: Full Moon

\--------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference for [Soo’s #1 idol actor announcement](http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2lrn66_eng-1080p-150404-3nt-r3lay-gueri11a-d4te-ex0-full-cut-mr-virtue_travel); Skip to 6:24
>   * Here's the Japanese EXO-L fanmeet where they were asked [if you were a girl who would you like?](https://youtu.be/lOHEypLdako?t=1m55s) D.O picks Kai followed by Kai’s selection of Baek but really D.O
>   * And finally, the famous "Jagi" moment: 
> 

> 
> The picture of Soo whispering in Nini's ear at the beginning of this ch might be my favorite picture of them ever. \o/
> 
> Can you tell that I wish I could keep writing nothing but happy times? Time marches on, though… Comments and kudos are always loved and replied to! <3


	15. Waning in the Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, Kaisoo shippers, hold on tight like D.O on Kai in the gifs here…

LOVE ME RIGHT ERA

 

June ends up being a complete blur of “Love Me Right” promotions. They win and win and win, even up against tough competition from BigBang. As happy as Kyungsoo is throughout the promotion period, he knows as soon as it’s over, he’s going away to film _Pure Love_ so he can’t help but be extra clingy to Jongin right now.

The day before his departure, they’re in Bangkok for one more Exo’luxion concert. With Jaehyuk’s permission, Kyungsoo gets up early and takes a translator with him to the local market to buy fresh ingredients. He comes back to the condo they’re staying in and begins to prep a meal. While he’s melting the palm sugar on the stove, Baekhyun comes in, smelling the delicious aroma in the air. “Ooo, what are we having, Kyungsoo?” he chirps eagerly.

“WE are not having anything. This is for—for me. The market didn’t have a lot of papaya on hand, so I can only make one big serving.” Baekhyun whines and sneaks a handful of the peanuts Kyungsoo had crushed and put to the side. He runs out of the kitchen with the chef snapping a towel at him. “Baek, you little-- You’re such a vulture!”

Kyungsoo finishes making the dish in peace and goes to get Jongin, who’s just emerged from the shower and is back in their big shared bedroom with Chanyeol and Sehun. He gulps, salivating at the sight of the lean dancer in nothing but a towel hanging low on his hips and water droplets still scattered across his chiseled chest. He forces his eyes to stop staring at the hint of the boy’s happy trail; the other roommates are right there, for crying out loud, and are going to notice him gawking if he doesn’t quit it. Kyungsoo trains his eyes on Jongin’s face instead, trying not to look as flustered as he is. “Hey – come meet me on the balcony. When you’re dressed.” The dancer’s amused grin right after the last line makes him mentally slap himself as he scurries out of the room. _‘Good job clarifying that, moron. Like Jongin would have otherwise come outside nude. And now he knows you were thinking about him being undressed.’_

The singer waits on the private balcony with the food he prepared on the small table that’s out there with two chairs. Jongin joins him a few minutes later. “Oh what’s this?”

“Um, surprise. I wanted to make you a real meal for today. It’s a traditional Thai dish. I don’t know if it’ll be any good since I haven’t made it in a really long time.”

The younger boy seems touched as he digs in. “Thanks, Soo. It’s delicious. Wait, where’d you get all these ingredients?” he asks, poking around at all the fresh vegetables.

“I, uh, I got up early and went to the market.”

Jongin pauses and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand, giving it an appreciative squeeze. “You did all that, just for me?”

“You know I’ll have to go straight to Goheung after tonight, and I won’t be able to cook for you for a while, so I just thought… I just wanted you to know I care and I’m going to miss you, so I made you some som tam.” He’s tripping over his words, not getting them out quite properly, but he hopes Jongin understands the underlying message.

“You made me som tam. Because you... care and you’re going to miss me.” The boy repeats meaningfully.

“Yeah.”

After a quick peek to make sure no one can see them from the balcony door, Jongin leans in and gives him a chaste, tender kiss on the lips. “I’m going to miss you, too.”

.

.

.

Later that night, during their ending ment, D.O thanks the fans for coming and likely skipping dinner to be there. “I’ll pick what should be on your menu.” He swallows and wonders if he should say what first came to his mind or not… oh why not. Hopefully Jongin will be amused rather than put out. “Today: som tam!”

Kai immediately gets the inside-joke implication and comes over to poke him. Kyungsoo can’t help the huge, genuine smile that breaks out across his face as Jongin’s open laugh is confirming that he got his cheesy hidden meaning to the fans. _‘Som tam, because you care and you’re going to miss them.’_

\---------------------------------

Two weeks. It’s been two whole weeks, and absolutely no contact from Kyungsoo. No calls, no texts. Jongin had sent a few the first three days, but when none got returned, he stopped trying. They’re supposed to have an SMTOWN concert in Tokyo two days from now, and he’s beginning to wonder if the older boy is even going to join them. His bad mood has been fairly apparent to the other members, who’ve been giving him space. The only tiny upside to Kyungsoo’s absence is that Jongin actually has a chance to go out to dinner with Taemin for the first time in forever. They caught up on each other's lives over a few rounds of pool. Before they parted ways, Taemin told him, “you should call Krystal, you know. She misses you, too.”

He’s watching Running Man in the dorm with several members when his phone rings. He does a double-take when he sees “Soo” on the caller id, and excuses himself to his room to take the call. His pulse quickens as a thousand feelings compete at once in his mind. Out of the cloud of anticipation and frustration emerges one predominant thought as he’s picking up the call: _‘Fucking finally.’_

“Hello,” he says flatly.

“Hey! Oh my gosh I’m so glad you picked up,” bursts Kyungsoo excitedly on the other end of the line.

“Why wouldn’t I have picked up? You act like **_I_** have been the one ignoring **_you_** for 2 weeks,” Jongin can’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“I-- I promise it wasn’t on purpose: The reception is so bad out here. I’ve tried to text you before but they never go through…” Kyungsoo sounds apologetic but taken aback at the younger’s tone.

“So what’s different this time? Are you at the airport and coming back tonight?” Jongin is mildly hopeful.

“No… I’m not traveling with EXO to Tokyo. I’m going to be flying in directly from here to meet you guys just before the concert. Right now, we’re in the city center after a big company dinner, so I have a few minutes while the others are finishing up before we ride back out to the village.”

“And this is the first time you’ve been in the city center with reception,” Jongin says, doubtfully.

“We’ve been here a handful of times… just to have company meals.”

“So you have had other chances to call me, or hell even just TEXT me, but just chose not to,” he snarls.

There’s a beat of uncomfortable silence before the other speaks. “I—well, not exactly, I mean, not without ditching people mid-conversation, and I don’t want to be rude to the cast and crew when we’re out to dinner like that.” Kyungsoo is starting to sound defensive.

“Oh really? Well don’t expect me to be understanding: I’ve been plenty rude to my friends the past few months. I’ve blown them off countless times to spend time with you instead.”

“…I never asked you to do that.” Kyungsoo’s voice is soft and sad, and Jongin starts to feel bad for putting this on him, but then the older speaks again with an angry edge to his voice. “As a matter of fact, I wasn’t even aware you’d blown anyone off. But how nice of you to blame me for that. I’m sorry I’ve ruined your social calendar,” he spits out harshly.

“Maybe you never asked me to, but I knew you would have wanted me to. You were so upset that one time I was with Krystal when Luhan left.”

“It’s never been ‘one time’ with her,” Kyungsoo mutters under his breath.

Jongin’s refuses to get derailed from his irritation with the singer and forges on with increasing bitterness. “Look, bottom line: you seem like you care more about **ACTING** than you do about EXO. You’re always filming something, or preparing to film something. Hell, you weren’t even **_around_** when two members left the group, because you were so busy with your movies and dramas, so don’t give me crap about who I was with. And now you’re not even travelling with us for concerts? As far as I know, you’re going to be the next one to leave.”

“ENOUGH!” Kyungsoo’s now yelling into the receiver. “This is bullshit and I don’t have to listen to it. Grow up, Jongin, and stop shitting on my dedication to outside activities just because **you** are afraid you won’t have any to fall back on 5 years from now when we’re done touring and putting out records. I’m being smart about my future, and you know it, but that doesn’t mean I’m neglecting or pulling away from my responsibilities in EXO.”

“Oh yeah, you sound really committed to the group with that line of thinking,” Jongin retorts sarcastically, also raising his voice.

“Look, I’m 100% invested in everything we’ll ever do as a team. Period. EXO comes first. But you know as well as I do that after we all hit mandatory enlistment age, there probably won’t **_be_** an EXO to return to when we’re out, so we’ve got to plan for next steps in our solo careers. I’m not an asshole for being realistic about that, but thanks a lot for making sure I feel like one.”

Jongin doesn’t have a response to that. He’s too mad to think straight right now, so he opts to say nothing. The silence is thick, disturbed only by the labored, angry breathing on both sides of the phone line.

There’s some commotion in the background, and when Kyungsoo’s voice returns, it’s back to normal volume but still full of frustration. “I gotta go.”

“You always do.” Jongin doesn’t know what possesses him to finish the call with such a sarcastic quip, but what’s done is done. He’s still seething as he heads to the shower to try and cool off. His anger pretty quickly gives way to regret at turning their opportunity to reconnect into such a mess. Kyungsoo had sounded happy to talk to him at the start of the call, but Jongin realizes he only shared how mad he was at the other. He never took the chance to tell him all the other things he was feeling: _‘I miss you. You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I’m a mess without you...’_

_\------------------------------_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video reference of [the ment and the inspiration for the happy note](https://youtu.be/PgkpLVrX7c8?t=48s) at the start of the chapter (sobs) - Nini's finger on Soo's chest, T_T
>   * I don't have the pics right now, but Kyungsoo did fly into their Tokyo SMTOWN concert separately (150705)
> 

> 
> The next chapter is long, and I'll try to have it up a little sooner that I got today's up. Don't mind me over here in the corner sobbing over their fight...
> 
> Let me know what you think about Jongin vs Kyungsoo's viewpoint here. I'm curious how it came across to you lovely readers! Thanks again for reading :)


	16. High Winds at Night

Ch 16 – High Winds at Night

Immediately following Ch 15:

Jongin and Kyungsoo end up avoiding each other during the SMTOWN concerts in Japan. The one night they could have tried to steal away alone, they spend going out to dinner as a big group with the other members. Everyone is eager to catch up with Kyungsoo, swarming around him and fighting over sitting next to him. Jongin doesn’t bother entering the fray, still upset from their phone call a few days prior. He takes a seat at the other end of the table as Jongdae demands stories from the accomplished “actor” in their midst. Kyungsoo’s eyes immediately flicker to him as the others laugh at the joke; Jongin elects to drink rather than comment. This way, he figures as he chugs the sake, they can’t tell he’s the only who thinks calling Soo an actor instead of a singer isn’t funny.

When they get back to the hotel, Jongin heads straight to the bed he’s been sharing with Sehun, excusing himself from the group by claiming he’s had too much to drink and needs to sleep it off. In reality, he hasn’t had that much but wants to be alone. Though part of Jongin wants to reach out and make amends, part of him remains irritated that Kyungsoo prioritized work and being polite to his colleagues over messaging him like he’d promised. It especially stung because Jongin has been putting Kyungsoo first, just naturally, ahead of his relationships with people he’d known for years and years; yet, here, complete strangers easily trumped commitments the singer had made to him. Did Kyungsoo just not care about him as much as he cared about the older?

The younger boy knows he went too far in his accusations against Kyungsoo regarding leaving EXO, but he is still hung up on how the other boy cut into him, too, about the future. _‘He’s right, though: you **are** projecting your fears on him a bit. You’re worried about what’s going to happen after EXO and need to face reality there,’_ his inner voice states plainly. Truth hurts, especially when delivered in such an insensitive fashion from the person he admires most.

 _‘I’m not good at variety, I’m definitely not a good enough singer to go solo, my acting opportunities are going to be limited… modeling’s probably my one shot,’_ he thinks with a sigh. _‘I’ve got to get more serious about it once I get back to Seoul…’_ he considers as he drifts off to sleep.

\--------------------------------------

“I’m going to check on Jongin and make sure he’s alright,” Kyungsoo excuses himself from the living area and heads into the nearby bedroom. He’s not sure what he expected to happen when he landed in Tokyo; he figured he and Jongin would be a bit awkward at first but end up patching things up relatively quickly. He definitely didn’t think they’d go this whole day without speaking.

He sighs and runs his hand agitatedly through his hair. _‘You never have been good at saying ‘I’m sorry,’ but just go do it!’_  he yells at himself. Kyungsoo knows he screwed up by not keeping his promise to call or text, even if he gets zero bars out in Goheung. Jongin was right, he should’ve at least texted in the van on his way to or from the city center those other times. Taking a deep breath, he opens the bedroom door and spots Jongin passed out on the bed. He curses at himself, knowing that it could have been THEIR bed to share if he’d traveled with the group and landed at the same time. Switching beds now would be super suspicious (not that Jongin was interested in being anywhere near him at the moment). Maybe the younger did have good reason to be upset with him flying in on his own…

Kyungsoo approaches the sleeping boy quietly to avoid disturbing him. He checks and doesn’t see a trashcan nearby, so he fetches one to put by his bedside just in case he needs it in the middle of the night. Crouching by the bed, he reaches out and rests a palm on the dancer’s forehead, feeling for any sign of fever. Relieved that his temperature seems normal, he starts to carefully trace Jongin’s handsome features, from his eyebrow arches to his strong jaw. The boy stays passb ned out, breathing softly and steadily, so Kyungsoo elects to just whisper to him and hope it somehow sinks into his subconscious. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise… You shouldn’t drink too much, Nini. Take care of yourself… I wish I was around to do it for you right now. It’s just another month, and then I’ll be back again and seeing you every day. You know how much you mean to me, don’t you?”

The sound of the door creaking open causes him to jerk his hand away and sit further back on his heels. Sehun enters the room and nods at Kyungsoo. “Hey, how’s our friend doing there?”

“Fine, sleeping hard and dead to the world it seems,” he replies, rising to his feet. “I’ll get out of here so you can rest, too. See you in the morning, Sehun.”

.

.

.

The next night after the concert, Kyungsoo has to go straight to the airport to get back to the _Pure Love_ shoot. He says his goodbyes to the members but dawdles for a moment looking at Jongin with melancholy eyes, not sure what to say. He opens his arms wide to him, instead, and prays the younger boy will accept it. The dancer approaches and reciprocates the hug, firmer than he normally would, lingering longer than is necessary with his fingertips clinging to the older boy’s back as he slowly draws away. While it’s not a full reconciliation, the older hopes it’s a start to patching things up.

“I’ll do my best to call you while I’m there. I’ll make a special trip to the city one night if I have to,” Kyungsoo says with his beautiful wide orbs full of concern.

“Okay, and if not, I know you’ll be there for our next concert in Beijing in two weeks.” Jongin’s choosing his words carefully since there are others around, but Kyungsoo can feel the trust he’s trying to put into those words, that he really believes in the older boy. “I already know you’re flying in separately – and I understand. See you then, hyung.”

There’s hesitancy on both sides as Kyungsoo walks away to the van. He wishes he had more time to truly make-up with the other, but he takes heart that at least it seems like they’re on a path to recovery.

\---------------------------------------------

Back in Seoul, Jongin gets to work quickly looking for modeling opportunities. He ends up calling Krystal to see how she’s had some of her endorsements set up.

“You know, it’s funny you should call about that right now. I’m supposed to be doing a shoot for W Korea magazine next week, and I think they’re looking for some male models to do it with me.”

“Really? Do you think they’d consider me?”

“Duh, of course they would. You’re Kai from EXO; they’d probably trip over themselves trying to secure you. You need to have more confidence. I’ve seen your work: you’re a stellar model.”

Jongin blushes on the other end of the line. “Thanks… wait what do you mean, ‘you’ve seen my work?’ Are you stalking me online? Are you a secret fan?” he jokes.

“It’s not stalking to watch out for people you care about and support them. And I’m not a secret fan, I’m an open one,” she replies matter-of-factly, but her voice trails off a little at the end, making her sound a little less confident and more… shy than Jongin’s used to hearing from her.

“O-Okay. Well thanks. Who should I contact over there?”

“Just have your manager do it. That’s typically how these things work.”

“No,” Jongin insists. “I want to be actively involved in managing my solo work. I need to learn the ins and outs of the process so I can make good decisions later on, too. I’d like to contact them first, then bring Jaehyuk in to help me manage the contract and stuff. Unless that’s too weird.”

“Aww, look at you, growing up and taking control of your future.” He’d be peeved by the condescension from Krystal except that her tone carries a very real amount of admiration mixed in with her teasing. And so he just laughs easily instead, knowing that this is just Krystal’s manner of praising without making it awkward.

.

.

.

Jongin can’t believe his luck as he’s on set the next week with Krystal and Taemin to do the photoshoot. It’s like a reunion of sorts, since the three friends hadn’t spent time alone together in years. As they’re getting ready in hair and make-up, Jongin scowls, checking his phone and not finding any new messages. Yesterday, the older boy had made good on his promise to call, but Jongin’s phone was dead, so he only had a short voicemail that Kyungsoo had recorded before the call had been dropped on his end due to high winds interfering with the connection.

“Hey, I miss you so much,” the older boy said. “I think about how much you’d like the water here and being out on the boat. Maybe when we finally get a break we can—“ Jongin had replayed the message several times, soaking up the deep, dulcet voice and his caring words. He then texted back but has no way of knowing if it’d been received. He’s hoping he’d have gotten something back by now.

“What’s with the mopey face while checking your phone every few minutes?” Taemin asks from a neighboring make-up chair.

“Oh, just seeing if Kyungsoo had messaged me back. He’s filming out in Jeollado, and reception is crap. He’s only contacted me twice since he moved out there weeks ago.” He can’t help the pout that slips out.

Krystal laughs at him from her chair where two women are curling her hair. “Good for him! I heard about that and think it’s awesome he’s doing a lead role already. Listen to you whine, though. Like you have any room to complain about friends not calling: you didn’t call either one of us for weeks on end for quite a while, and you were in Seoul the whole time.”

“Yeah, how can you be so put out when you’ve done worse to us?” pipes up Taemin. “And if you’re like this with friends not staying in close contact, can you imagine how needy you’d be as a boyfriend? You sound so surly, you’d think it’s your girlfriend who’s out of town giving you the cold shoulder.” He chuckles at his own joke, but Krystal doesn’t laugh, shooting Jongin a serious look and gauging his reaction.

Taemin’s dig shouldn’t get to him, but Jongin can’t help it: he’s angry and upset. Angry that he can’t retort since his relationship is a secret, and upset because the comment validates his annoyance that his boyfriend really _should_ be contacting him more. He swallows it down and tries to change the topic. “Whatever, I’m here now with you guys, right? So let’s make the most of today. I have missed you, even if I’ve sucked at keeping in touch in recent months.”

Krystal’s hair is finished, and she gets out of her chair to come stand behind Jongin’s, resting her hands on his shoulders. “Agreed. Let’s shoot the best damn photospread they’ve ever had,” she says with a smile. Taemin gets summoned to wardrobe and bounds off cheering “bring it on!”

When he’s gone, Krystal leans down to speak quietly in Jongin’s ear. “Don’t let him bother you. I know you’re just really loyal, and I think it’s really sweet that you care so much. And… any girl would be crazy lucky to have you as a needy boyfriend.” Her final words come out in a rush and then she’s gone to wardrobe before Jongin can react.

 _‘What… what was that.’_ If she’d used her typical haughty or detached tone, he wouldn’t think too much of her words, but Krystal actually sounded… vulnerable. And was she blushing as she left or was that just her make-up? He’s so confused, and he needs time to process this but now he’s getting called to wardrobe, too.

After he’s dressed in his first outfit, he’s waiting with Taemin while Krystal has some individual shots taken. He can’t help himself: he needs Taemin’s help to figure this out.

“Hey, Tae. Has Krystal been any different around you lately?”

“Hmm? Different how?”

Jongin tries to put his finger on what’s different, with last week’s phone call and the odd dressing room behavior. “Um, I don’t know. Like, more willing to compliment you openly?”

Taemin huffs with amusement. “Ha! Definitely not. I think I’ve gotten maybe two words of praise from her, both said with heavy sarcasm, thrown my way in the past year. But you on the other hand… I will say that she’s had nothing but nice things to say about you whenever I talk to her.”

“What, really?” Jongin’s surprised. It hadn’t really crossed his mind that his two friends would be talking about him much behind his back.

“Yeah. ‘Jongin was so nice about Sulli, Jongin understands about Jessica, Jongin took me out for noodles, he’s always there for me, blah blah blah.’ She tries to play it off like she is just making conversation, but especially the past few months, she always seems to bring you up first. Apparently, absence makes Krystal’s heart grow fonder…” he says with suggestive eyebrows at Jongin.

“Dude, no, we’re just friends.” Jongin counters.

“Maybe to you. As for her, well, maybe I’m wrong, but I’m just saying… you should think about it,” he says encouragingly.

 _‘Shit. Krystal’s actually developing feelings towards me?’_ Jongin has no idea what he’s supposed to do. How’s he supposed to act around her now? _‘Wait, don’t get ahead of yourself. Taemin could be wrong.’_

He’s getting called over to do shots with Krystal now, and he’s completely unprepared for the director’s next words. “Okay, so the theme here is kind of an ambiguous love triangle or potential ménage à trois.” Jongin’s eyes practically pop out of his head. “Don’t worry: we know the reputations you have to uphold as idols. It will all be very classy and simply have a mysterious feel to it, making readers wonder what kind of love is shared between each pairing and the group. Friends? Potential interest in a bit more? Our aim is to keep them guessing. It’ll sell like crazy.”

As the director asks them to pose laying down on a couch side by side, Jongin is now hyper aware of every little movement Krystal’s making and completely at a loss of what to do with his hands. He’s incredibly stiff and knows it’s coming across on camera, too. “Try to relax your face, Kai. You’re looking a bit scared right now,” the director advises.

 _‘That’s because I’m terrified!’_ he screams internally. His heart is racing. He’s terrified of messing up this shoot, his first big venture into building his individual work. He’s terrified of how Krystal’s feeling and how his actions here might be interpreted. He’s—

“Can we have just a second?” Krystal asks politely, noticing Kai is only looking increasingly distressed. The director agrees they can take 5, and the crew get busy adjusting lighting.

“Jongin, calm down. It’s just me,” she says softly. They haven’t actually changed their positions on the sofa, so when he turns in her direction, their faces are only inches apart. She gives him a small, encouraging smile. “You can do this. It’s just a job. Or is it so impossible to pretend that you’re maybe attracted to me?” Her question comes out mostly in her typical sarcastic fashion, but he can sense her tone is still a touch more guarded than normal. Like part of her is scared to get an actual answer.

From this close up, Jongin’s struck by just how beautiful Krystal truly is. Sure, some of it is the styling and make-up for the shoot, but her graceful nose, the curve of her eyes, the slight pucker of her lips: she’s objectively stunning. He even feels a slight pull toward her before he shakes himself out of it. “You’re right, I can do this. I’m just nervous; it’s my first big job outside of SM and apart from EXO, so I’m just feeling jittery.”

“Well stop it.” Krystal’s back to her regular, no nonsense mode. “Loosen up so we can do a convincing job.” She reaches out and tickles his ribs. Jongin’s always been ticklish, and he squeals and swats her hands away.

“Okay, okay. I’m ready,” he says with a grin. _‘It’s just acting. Like Kyungsoo is acting right now for his movie,’_ he tells himself. _‘ Just pretend. Pretend there might be something there between you two.’_

When the director starts shooting again, he gets confirmation that it’s going much better. “Yes! That’s it. A little more sultry. Great. A little closer, Kai. Perfect, that’s the shot.”

.

.

.

By the end of the day, Jongin feels fantastic. His pair shots with Krystal went well, and he ended up having a lot of fun in his shots with Taemin, too. Everyone on set is praising the three of them for coming off so naturally and having great chemistry together. They’ve changed back into their street clothes and are waiting on the set’s front porch for their managers to each come pick them up and take them back to the city.

“Well, kids. It’s been fun. I can’t wait to hear the fan reactions to all the possible pairings. My money’s on TaeKai being the most popular though.” Taemin sticks his tongue out with an over-the-top childish expression at Krystal. She plants her fingertips on his forehead shoves his face away in response.

“Gross. No one would ship you with ANYONE if they knew what you were really like, Lee,” she mocks, giving him a faux disgusted look.

Jongin just smiles, enjoying the feel of the summer sun on his skin and the bickering of his friends in the background. He’s proud of himself: for branching out, for going after this job, for succeeding in his first big shoot. He can’t wait to tell Kyungsoo about it, hoping his initiative impresses the older one and helps mend their rift over investing in themselves alongside EXO.

Taemin’s car arrives first, and he bids them farewell. Krystal slides over a little closer to Jongin now that it’s just the two of them on the porch steps. “So… how was it?” she asks.

“The shoot? Great. I feel like I could definitely be happy modeling for a while and maybe even learn the behind the scenes aspects well enough to do creative work, too, one day. Posing is almost like still-frame dancing, right? Using pictures to tell a story… I think I might like that. Who knows.” He grins at her gratefully. “Thanks for hooking me up with this.”

She waves him off. “I didn’t do anything. I told you they’d love to have you.” She hesitates, twirling a leftover flower stem between her fingers. “I, uh, I didn’t know what kind of shoot it was going to be, by the way. In case you were wondering…”

Jongin swallows thickly. He hadn’t actually wondered about it, but now that she brings it up… He remembers all of the little things that make him question Krystal’s current feelings toward him. Her words on the phone last week, their interaction in the dressing room today, the closeness during the shoot and all the skinship they had to do… “No, I didn’t think you knew about it beforehand. And it was fine. I mean, thanks, for making my first shoot easier and all.”

“So was it easy for you, pretending we were romantically interested in each other today?” She’s looking off into the distance but takes a deep breath and turns to look him right in the eyes when she says: “Because honestly… it was easy for me.”

 _‘Oh no, run,’_ Jongin curses to himself, looking for an escape from a conversation and potential confession he really does NOT want to hear. Where is Jaehyuk or whomever is supposed to get him? With no car in sight, he decides to be proactive about the situation.

“Look Krystal, I think you’re great. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. But before you say anything else, I have to tell you that… I’m seeing someone.”

The shock is evident on her face, and she opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to find words to speak. Jongin prays for the awkward tension to disappear and hopes he’s spoken up soon enough to help her save face.

“You’re… you’re seeing someone.” She says dubiously.

“Yeah.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“With your crazy schedule. You expect me to believe that you’re dating somebody,” she deadpans. Krystal is perplexed, brows furrowed. She drops her gaze to her hands as her cheeks turn red. “It’s okay, you can just tell me the truth. I’m a big girl, you don’t have to lie to let me down easy.” Her voice is warbling, in stark contrast to her brave words.

“Please don’t cry. I’m not lying when I say you’re wonderful,” Jongin realizes how easy it is to tell the truth this way because he really does think the world of Krystal. “You’re pretty and kind, you’re smart and witty, you’d make an amazing girlfriend. But it’s true, I’m already with someone else.”

“Who, then? Do I know her?”

Jongin falters. He wants desperately to say -- to _yell_ Kyungsoo’s name at the top of his voice. “I—I can’t tell you.”

“Wha… Does Taemin know?”

“No. It’s not that I can’t tell **you,** specifically; I can’t tell anybody. I wish I could.”

She scoffs and turns away, clearly not believing him. “Sure. Must be _really serious_ if you can’t even tell your close friends who you’re dating.” Her words are filled with her hurt, and they also cut Jongin to the bone since they reflect some of his deepest fears. The tears she’d been holding back start to spill over. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude... I just don’t want your pity. You don’t have to make up an imaginary relationship. I get it, you’re not interested.”

“No, really,” he tries to protest, but Jaehyuk is now pulling up in the van. “…I really am involved with someone already,” he says quietly to make sure Jaehyuk won’t hear him as he starts to approach them, but Jongin realizes that his argument sounds weak, even to himself. “I’ll call you sometime soon, okay? Hopefully we can meet up and I can explain more then.” He rises to greet Jaehyuk and turns back one more time to say goodbye.

Krystal doesn’t raise her eyes to meet his. Jongin feels his heart ache, watching her as his van drives away.

.

.

.

He purposefully keeps things light when he gets another call from Kyungsoo. He does tell him that he did a pictorial for W Korea, but leaves out all of the details (who he modeled with, how they posed…) , deciding to save that and other serious matters for when they can talk in person. No more sensitive subjects while long distance - last time was a disaster.

“That’s so great, Jongin. Wow, I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, hyung. We can talk about it more when I see you at the Beijing concert, okay?”

“Yeah, definitely. I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

 _‘Trust me, you can,’_ Jongin thinks ruefully. “I heard you’re flying in separately from Gimpo.”

“Yeah… but I’ll be there the 17th just like you guys will, just on a different plane and all. I—I can’t wait to see you, babe.”

“Me neither. Save some time that night for us to talk, alone?” Jongin asks carefully.

“Of course. I miss you.”

“Miss you too, Soo. More than you know.”

.

.

.

Jongin tries to rehearse what he wants to say in his head several times leading up to their next meeting, but keeps failing at finding the right words. _‘It’s going to be fine,’_ he tells himself. _‘Soo has always liked that you’re possessive and you’ve been gradually leading up to this point for what, a year now?’_ He realizes it really has been a year of stability now, almost a year to the day when he forced Kyungsoo to open back up to him by feigning a foot injury and forcing him to let him read lines together for _It’s Okay, That’s Love_. Plus, he’s dropped hints about being more open about their relationship several times since the Sojin rumors. _‘He’s going to say yes. He wants this, too. Stop worrying about it so much.’_

A tiny doubting voice in the back of his mind interrupts. _‘But what if he doesn’t?’_ He chooses to ignore it.

As he’s heading to the EXO fansign event with several members in Beijing, he gets a text from Krystal saying their W Korea photos are starting to surface. He curses internally; the magazine issue itself isn’t due out until next month, but it seems they’re trying to create buzz by teasing several shots on their Facebook page already. He crosses his fingers that Kyungsoo won’t see them before he’s got a chance to warn him. It’s still another few hours before the older’s plane will land.

After the fansign event, the group heads to the arena to go over concert rehearsals. Kyungsoo is already there and greets the members quickly as they settle into the big backstage area. Jongin’s mouth practically waters as he takes in the other’s appearance, his once porcelain white complexion turned into a golden honey hue from all the sun exposure he must be getting while down south in Goheung. While the others are busy putting their stuff away, Kyungsoo gently latches onto the dancer’s wrist and tugs him toward a secluded room.

The elder shuts the door hastily behind him and before Jongin even realizes what’s happening, he’s being pulled into a crushing kiss. Kyungsoo has got a vise-like grip on the back of his neck and a toned arm wrapped around his waist, drawing him further into the smaller’s body. Smaller actually doesn’t seem like an appropriate term anymore. _‘Holy shit, has he been working out?’_ Jongin wonders as he melts under the blistering onslaught of Kyungsoo’s physical advances, fingers tugging in his hair and hips rolling into the dancer’s lower half. Aggressive Kyungsoo is hella hot, and Jongin finds he can’t keep up with the demanding tongue in his mouth so he just relaxes in the other’s control, moaning wantonly. He’s lost in a haze of Kyungsoo’s mouth on his, his rich scent that he’s missed so much, and greedy fingers kneading up and down his back. He’s overcome after a whole month without this and his whole body just WANTS. With just a minute or two more, Jongin is going to come in his pants. But then the older is pulling back with a final, tender kiss that leaves him completely weak in the knees.

The two are panting frantically as Kyungsoo starts to speak, having to pause for breath periodically. “I’ve missed you so much. I know we don’t really have time for this, but we wasted our opportunity two weeks ago, so I wasn’t taking any chances this time. Sorry to ambush you.”

Jongin already misses the other’s taste and heat flush against him. “Don’t apologize… keep going…” he gasps out, but Kyungsoo is chuckling at him fondly and trying to rearrange the dancer’s hair. The younger purposefully makes this difficult by tucking his face into the other’s neck and sucking on it, trying to entice him.

Kyungsoo hums appreciatively but pulls back carefully. “Let me fix your fringe. We can’t go out there looking like walking sex. What would the others say?” His voice carries a light-hearted tone, but the words feel like ice water to Jongin, shocking him back to reality and the sensitive topic he desperately needs to address.

“What if I don’t care what the others say?”

Kyungsoo just looks at him, confused for a moment.

“Hyung, have you told anyone that you’re dating someone?”

“No, of course not,” Kyungsoo replies, surprised.

“Well, I think we should be honest, at least with our close friends.”

“That’s… really dangerous, Jongin. It only takes one person to slip up, even by accident, and tip someone off, and then everyone could know.”

“You say that like it’d be a bad thing. Frankly, I’d welcome that. When I was with Krystal last week—“ Jongin realizes the moment it’s out of his mouth that of all the ways he’d imagined starting this conversation, this was probably the **worst** way to approach it.

“Yeah, don’t think I haven’t seen the teaser images of you and her from that magazine shoot. You have some explaining to do.” The singer has fire in his eyes and an unmistakable scowl on his brow.

The fact that Kyungsoo is angry at him and jealous over a _professional_ photoshoot with Krystal… when he hypocritically won’t even _let Jongin tell the girl that they’re together_ … this makes the boy rage inside. He can’t help but raise his voice, getting exasperated. “Oh my God, you don’t even know what I went through for—no. We are not making this about her right now. Look, either we are together or we aren’t. Which is it?”

“We are,” Kyungsoo states with heavy conviction. “Of course we are,” he follows up, more tenderly, stroking the younger’s face and looking at him with sincere eyes.

“Then I want to be able to tell people about us. What, are you ashamed of me?” Jongin turns his back to him, eyes filling with tears. He can’t believe Kyungsoo’s denying him this, insisting they keep things a secret from everyone. He was so sure the other would agree, that what they had was real and serious to both of them…

“Jongin, baby, no. This has nothing to do with shame… “ The older is approaching him slowly, gently grabbing his arm to turn him back to face him. “Surely you remember what happened to Kim Ji-hoo after his relationships with men came out in the industry… his death was tragic. This is about survival.” Kyungsoo’s voice is starting to tremble, but Jongin is too blinded by his current pain and disappointment to notice it. “It’d put you at so much risk, and I’d never be able to live with myself if something happened to you, because I lo—“

“Oh don’t act like you’re worried about ME when it comes to this. You’re worried about what it would do to your precious career,” Jongin hisses with particular venom, yanking his arm out of the other’s grasp.

“My career-- Are you even listening to yourself?? Why is it that whenever we fight, I am this epicly selfish asshole in your mind?? DAMMIT, JONGIN. You’re making this too hard.”

“Well maybe it’s already been too hard for me for a while, and I’m over it! I can’t do this anymore, Kyungsoo.” Before the older has a chance to respond, Jongin rushes out of the room, tears openly streaming down his face. Over his sobbing, he faintly hears “Jongin, wait!” calling out after him, followed by Junmyeon in the distance telling him to head to the stage for rehearsal, but he ignores everything and takes off running down the hall. _‘I can’t anymore… I just can’t…’_

\------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE DON’T HATE ME! (Or Krystal. Or Kyungsoo. Or Jongin. You know what, let’s just not hate anybody. #protecteveryone)
> 
>   * The W Korea pics did get posted to [FB on 20150717](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T73Pw65XGRI)
>   * That was the same day of the [Fansign in Beijing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TD86eY7LNYQ), which Kyungsoo missed due to _Pure Love_ filming (flew in separately from Gimpo when the other boys went out of Incheon).
>   * Trigger warning: suicide mention in linked article Finally, here's the sad story Kyungsoo mentions, of [Kim Jihoo](http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2008/10/117_32358.html) who received a lot of hate after coming out :tears:
> 

> 
> Um, this ch ended up over 5k words, but I felt it all needed to be read at one time rather than split across chapters, so hope that’s okay. Hang in there with me, lovelies. I know you might side with one of our dear boys more than the other in this mess; I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the whole debacle in the comments!


	17. Dark Days and Nights

EXO’luxion ERA

Immediately following Ch 16

 

Kyungsoo feels like he’s in some surreal nightmare. _“I’m over it! I can’t do this anymore, Kyungsoo.”_ Jongin’s words, clipped off at the end by his tearful cry, are echoing in his ears and gradually threatening his sanity. He’s got approximately 5 seconds to get himself under control, though, because Junmyeon’s marching his way over to him and is going to want an explanation on why Jongin just literally left the building.

“What on earth – what just happened?” Junmyeon demands, face contorted with worry.

“I, uh, just told Jongin about _Hyung_ , my next movie role, and he didn’t take it well seeing as how it’s already been crappy that I’ve been gone so much filming for my current project.”

Lies. He hasn’t even had the chance to tell Jongin about the movie yet, but it’s the only semi-reasonable excuse he can come up with on the fly when his heart and mind are completely preoccupied with agony over Jongin’s final words.

“Oh. Yeah, he’s been pretty down in the dumps lately. ‘It’s just not home without hyung.’” Junmyeon does a pathetic Jongin impression, but it doesn’t matter how weak it is: the words crush Kyungsoo and it’s all he can do to choke back the sob in his throat. He feels like he’s suffocating. Hearing how much Jongin has missed him from an oblivious third party just makes him feel all the more guilty.  “But you’ll be filming in Seoul for that, right? Don’t worry, he’ll get over it.” His leader gives him an encouraging smile.

If Junmyeon only knew how wrong he was. “Maybe… I know we need to get out there for rehearsal right now, but could you give him a few minutes? Please… for me?” He looks at Junmyeon with his honest misery openly displayed on his face. Something about his sincere pleading works as the other nods and heads back to the other group members.

.

.

.

While the distance between them during ments at the Beijing concert was only a few feet, it felt emotionally like a gulf the size of the Grand Canyon. Kyungsoo tries not to panic through the first day, but on the second day when his attempts to talk or touch Jongin are all avoided without even a passing glance, he realizes Jongin might have truly meant what he said. His goodbye to the group before flying back to Goheung further confirms his fear: Rather than a hug like he receives from Chanyeol or hair tossle that he gets from Minseok, Jongin gives a casual “See you later” from across the room with a nondescript wave. It hurts more than a cold shoulder would because it felt like a goodbye you’d give an acquaintance that you simply didn’t care about one way or another. Anger, Kyungsoo could deal with. Apathy, as it turns out, feels a thousand times worse.

Traveling the long journey back to the set on his own, he finally has a chance to really think about what went wrong. Jongin has always been especially emotional, partly because he was younger but mostly because that was just… Jongin. His sensitive nature is one of the things Kyungsoo loves about him. Like he was deeply affected by losing EXO members, when Jongin hurt, he **hurt.** When he felt jealous, he was possessively **jealous.** When he felt physically affectionate, he was intensely **passionate.** Kyungsoo gulps at the memories; how could he have not connected the dots? Only now was he realizing that he’d severely underestimated how hard it was for Jongin to **not** be able to wear his heart on his sleeve to others when it came to their relationship. Jongin was so accustomed to being consumed by his deep emotions and radiating them outwardly. This was one of the reasons he was such a glorious dancer.

Keeping their relationship under wraps forced Jongin to deny this integral part of his character. It’s not like it wasn’t difficult for Kyungsoo to have to sneak around. Of course it bothered him that he couldn’t openly date Jongin or tell others how head over heels he was… but he was a very private person by nature. It was undeniably easier for him to keep quiet. Coupling this characteristic with his pragmatic, responsible approach to his career, Kyungsoo had long ago resigned himself to never dating someone openly.

Jongin likely never thought about this before or resigned himself in this way. _‘Probably in part because… he’s probably not strictly gay… so dating openly might one day be a possibility for him,'_ Kyungsoo thinks, a tear streaming down his face at the thought of Jongin with someone else.

He is still annoyed at Jongin harping on his dedication to his work. It’s true: in a lot of ways, Kyungsoo is a workaholic, but so is Jongin. And the dancer had always seemed to admire that about him before. What had changed? _‘Isn’t it obvious? Your work is taking you in a different direction.’_ Before, all of the singer’s efforts had been aimed in the same direction as the dancer’s: both forging toward being the best Kpop boyband of the times. It was easy to sweat and bleed toward the same goal. With all the acting Kyungsoo was doing now, and EXO potentially reaching their peak, it was inevitable that their work-obsessed tendencies were going to pull them toward different dreams over time, slowly drifting further apart as they followed different career trajectories. So… does this mean that their current difficulties with balancing work and relationship priorities would only get worse each passing year? Kyungsoo weeps at the irony; he would never have had any interest in acting without the encouragement from Jongin, who believed in him from their debut days when he had fumbled over introducing MAMA on their first music show.

_‘Maybe this was inevitable…’_

_‘But you can’t just let him go without trying!’_ wails a desperate, love-struck piece of him. For now, he doesn’t know what to do. He faces the window, the pitch black moonless night mirroring his dark mood, and tries to blink back tears for the remainder of the turbulent flight.

.

.

.

Kyungsoo still hasn’t figured out what to say or how to say it. He tries to send him a text the day after he gets back to filming, rewriting it over and over again.

“How are you doing?” – too casual and dismissive  
“I’m sorry” – meaningless without clarifying the why, which would take a dozen texts  
“I know you’re hurting” – thanks Captain Obvious. And it sounds insensitive.

“UGH!” Kyungsoo tosses his phone back in his bag in frustration. He stares at the ceiling for another hour before finally settling on a simple “I miss you” and praying it goes through.

 

He never gets a response.

.

.

.

A week later, he’s flying back to Japan for another SMTOWN concert. The reunion with the group is getting more routine and businesslike. Unfortunately, Jongin’s greeting is exactly that: businesslike. He seems completely indifferent to his presence, and Kyungsoo finds he can’t stay in the EXO dressing room and play along. He excuses himself under the guise of going to the restroom and wanders around backstage instead. An infectious laugh emanates out of a doorway he’s passing, followed by a loud “Hey! Kyungsoo!”

He stills and turns toward the voice, taking in a beaming Amber. He bows politely and tries to give a convincing smile. “Hi.”

“I am LOVING you in _Hello, Monster_. You did such a convincing job as a psychopath – how does it end?? Can you share any spoilers?” She says this with an over-the-top wink, clearly just playing around.

Kyungsoo grins more easily and shakes his head, blushing. “I’m such a small role, really. And I can’t tell you the end – they’ll fire me,” he quips. He’s about to give a soft laugh when he realizes Krystal is approaching him and he freezes up a little. _‘Of course she’s here, idiot. This is f(x)’s dressing room, after all.’_

“Hey stranger. I haven’t had a proper conversation with you in months,” she greets in her typical flat manner that’s still somehow laced with a touch of friendliness. It’s a feeling only Krystal can pull off, and Kyungsoo can’t help but think how Jongin’s recent apathetic treatment is similar yet so fundamentally different from this.

She reaches out and grasps his arm, right on the inside of his elbow, and he reflexively bends his arm to properly escort her but not before his surprise at the sudden closeness flashes in his eyes. In reality, it’s Krystal who’s escorting him back out into the hallway and then down a quiet passageway. Having apparently reached their destination, she leans with her back against the wall and tugs him down to sit next to her, releasing his arm once they’re settled.

Kyungsoo looks at her with eyes full of questions. “What’s up?”

She bites her lip and then opens up. “Okay, I’m sorry if I’m being obnoxious – you can just tell me if I am.” He quirks his head to the side and encourages her to continue. “Has, um, has Jongin told you about what happened a few weeks back at our photoshoot?”

He gulps and his heart sinks as he remembers that Jongin had alluded to something important transpiring between them at the shoot. _‘Oh shit.’_ He has no idea and is honestly not sure he can stay calm and collected hearing about whatever this is for the first time from Krystal. He manages to squeak out, “No, he didn’t.”

“Ah, he really **_is_** good at keeping secrets from his friends,” she murmurs mostly to herself, and Kyungsoo flinches. “Well, I’m obviously not. Um, basically, he told me he was dating someone.”

 _‘FUCK. WHAT.’_ Kyungsoo’s mind is in overdrive trying to decipher Krystal’s expression but she’s looking at him carefully, like she’s doing the same. He’s internally freaking out while trying to keep a pensive actor-face on when she breaks the silence to ask:

“But you already knew that, huh?” She keeps searching his face for traces of shock or recognition.

Kyungsoo has no idea how he should play this: Does she already know about him and Jongin and is waiting for him to admit it? Should he lie and feign innocence of Jongin being in a relationship with anyone? He’s got only one more second to think before his response gets suspicious, so he tries avoiding the question and goes with a noncommittal, “How exactly did that come up?”

“Damn, so it is true? I… okay don’t tell anyone else, alright, but I recently realized I—I really like Jongin. As in, more than a friend. So after the photoshoot, I started to confess to him. I say started to because he cut me off and told me I’d make a wonderful girlfriend and all but he’s already seeing someone.”

He experiences a rollercoaster of emotions from that one sentence: relief that Jongin interrupted to try and prevent the confession, jealousy over the boy’s sincere affection for Krystal, and deep-seated pain over the fact that the final words are pretty much no longer true. He’s got to say something, and he’s still not sure how much to give away, so he simply prods, “What happened next?”

Krystal looks down at her hands as she sheepishly admits, “well, I honestly didn’t believe him. I told him as much, that he didn’t have to fake a relationship. He insisted, and I brushed it off as him just trying to let me down easy. But I’m guessing… based on how you’re responding… he really is seeing someone, huh?”

There’s no way to avoid it any further: Kyungsoo’s going to have to lie, at least a little. He tries to phrase it as accurately as possible. “Well, I can’t say for sure but yeah, I think he is. He, um, never 100% confirmed it?”

Krystal turns to face him directly. “But you must at least suspect who it is. I’m dying to know – who is she?”

Kyungsoo’s broken heart shatters a little further. He understands, now, exactly the torment Jongin had to go through: the pain of the presumptive “she” and not being able to openly express who it was he cared for. And now that he’d told Krystal the truth of being in a relationship (in order to stay faithful to Kyungsoo), Jongin was going to continue to have to go through this, time and time again, unless Kyungsoo would agree they could tell close friends. Just close friends, not everyone: that’s what he’d requested. And Kyungsoo had shut him down immediately, not even hearing out his reasons.

He’s so busy mourning this latest revelation that he forgets Krystal is waiting for an answer. “I’m sorry, I don’t know any girls he’s really in close contact with, aside from you of course,” he says, trying to twist the truth again and cursing how much it fucking sucks to have to do this all the while realizing how much he’s put this on Jongin over the past year.

They’re interrupted by Baekhyun calling out in the main hallway while running right past their quiet passageway. “Kyungsooooooo! I can’t find him, Junmyeon. Hey, Jongin, where’s Kyungsoo?”

“How should I know?” comes the nonchalant reply from the dancer, stabbing Kyungsoo’s already bleeding heart.

“Ah, that’s my cue to get back out there. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.” He stands to leave and she follows suit.

“No, no, I should apologize to you. I’m so rude, I didn’t even bother to ask how you’re doing. How have you been? Aside from super busy with awesome acting projects, which I’m sorta jealous of,” she says kindly.

“I’ve… I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately, but thanks for asking.”

She gives him a concerned look and rubs his shoulder in a friendly, supportive gesture. She’s looks like she’s about to probe for what’s bothering him but is interrupted by Chanyeol bellowing for him to ‘ _get back to the group as fast as his short little legs can carry him_.’ Krystal makes a face and gives him a rueful smile. “Take care of yourself okay? I’ll text you and check to see how you’re doing sometime.”

Life would be simpler if Krystal would just give him a legitimate reason to hate her, but alas, she always is a good friend, to him and to Jongin. Kyungsoo can’t help the fondness he feels toward her. He gives her a small smile before turning to go. “Okay. Good luck on stage, Krystal.”

\---------------------------------

Jongin thinks he’s holding up pretty well, all in all. The Beijing concerts were hard, but then Kyungsoo was gone again, like always, so he had some time and space to more properly let go and try to forget what was lost in that dressing room in China. He busied himself with perfecting choreography and investigating other modeling avenues. Kyungsoo helped him out by not contacting him at all, which he begrudgingly appreciated. Not that he liked how it ended, but if it was over, at least the painful conversation was behind them and they wouldn’t have to rehash it again. He cried enough tears that one night; he really didn’t want to go back to that dark place again the next time they saw each other.

So far, so good. Jongin’s backstage for the Osaka SMTOWN concert and had greeted Kyungsoo calmly, professionally. Somewhere during the wait for their act, Kyungsoo must have slipped out, because suddenly Junmyeon is calling him and no one’s responding. “Where is he? We need to get on stage.”

Déjà vu. It’s so similar to the call he heard last week, except Junmyeon was trying to summon him, not Kyungsoo. He knows it was reckless, but Jongin had been acting on pure instinct when he ran out of that Beijing stadium. He had to let out his sorrow before he could even pretend to perform. After sobbing against a lone brickwall outside of a fire exit for 15 minutes, he dragged himself back inside, knowing he’d been gone too long already. As he plodded back to the dressing areas, he was pulled swiftly into a spare one by his leader.

“Hey, gosh, you okay now?” Junmyeon was clearly distressed by his red eyes and puffy face.

“…” Jongin hadn’t bothered to think of an excuse for his current state nor the fact he’d just ditched rehearsal in the most disrespectful way. He expected to get chewed out by Junmyeon and was too forlorn to even care. He just stood there, lifeless.

“Kyungsoo asked me to give you some time, but geez, you were gone for almost 30 minutes. We had to start rehearsals, so I have the guys going through the Full Moon intro and working on their Mandarin.”

“Oh. What did Kyungsoo say that made you agree to be so lenient on me.” He vaguely realizes he’s being completely ungrateful, but he’s just too numb and drained to really care.

Junmyeon looks more concerned than angry, though. “He said he just told you about his new film, _Hyung_ , and you weren’t taking it well since he’s already been gone so much for _Pure Love_. Look, I know he’s your best friend, Jongin, so it’s hard, but remember that we’re all your friends, too. We’re like family: we’re here for each other.”

Jongin gives a depressed chuckle; of course, Kyungsoo, the ever responsible one, could come up with a reason at the drop of the hat to help cover up their relationship. Lying about it was probably as easy as breathing for him. _‘He saved your ass from reprimand – you should be thankful,’_ a soft voice suggests, but Jongin’s already moved on to thinking about the reason given… another film? Called _Hyung_? Kyungsoo hadn’t told him about that one yet. But he’d told Junmyeon. So he was no longer the first one to be aware of his acting roles now. _‘Better get used to this…’_

Jongin snaps out of his memories and back to the present. Several other members are getting worried now that Kyungsoo wasn’t found out in the hall or the bathroom. Jongin is still not particularly worried. _‘Soo’s still dependable as a member. He’ll be here in time.’_ They are set to go on stage in just 5 minutes, so he joins the remainder of the group trickling out into the wings, readying himself for the performance. Baekhyun comes jogging back, saying he hasn’t found Kyungsoo and asks Jongin where he is. “How should I know?” he states coolly, but he feels himself growing anxious now. _‘What if some sasaeng got backstage… or he passed out from exhaustion? Damn, he’s working too hard doing the stupid film and flying back every other week like this.’_ Just as he’s about to take off running to look in the smaller side passages for him, Kyungsoo appears out of nowhere. Their eyes meet, and Jongin can’t help but sigh in relief before forcing himself to turn around. _‘You’re not supposed to care. That’s not your place anymore…’_ he tries to remind his heart.

.

.

.

After their performance, Jongin is mingling backstage with Taemin. “Hey, so have you thought more about what I said, about Krystal?” he asks with suggestive eyebrows.

“Knock it off, dufus.”

“No, I think it at least deserves your CONSIDERATION—“

Realizing the other isn’t going to let this go as easily as he hoped, Jongin volunteers, “Yes, okay, yes I considered the possibility that she might, but—“ Before he can finish, the lady in question comes around the corner. Krystal strides up to Taemin confidently but falters a step when she notices Jongin there, too.

“H-hey guys. How’s it going?”

“Great! But I hear Minho calling for me,” lies Taemin. “So I’ll let you two catch up and talk with you both later!” He waves and strolls off past Krystal, winking at Jongin behind her back.

The atmosphere is incredibly awkward. Jongin isn’t sure if he should pretend their last conversation never happened or if that would be rude. Thankfully, Krystal seems to dig deep for some confidence and swallows before speaking first. “Hi. Um, want to walk and talk?”

Somehow, moving around does seem like a good idea to ease the tension. “Sure,” agrees Jongin, and they meander toward a quieter area backstage.

They wander in silence at first, each taking cautious, lazy steps. Once they’ve left the hustle and bustle near the stage wings, Krystal speaks up again. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. And I want to apologize, for not handling last time well and not really believing you about dating someone.”

He gulps and breathes out slowly, trying to stay composed. “It’s alright.”

“Not really. I let my jealousy blind me to how difficult that whole situation probably was to you, and I’m sorry for that. I hope we can still be friends? I understand you might need to keep some distance with me since you’re with her now, that’s only natural,” she says easily.

He fights it but he can’t hold them back: the tears overflow from his eyes. “I’m not with anyone now… We broke up.” He’d spent the last week trying to ignore the pain, pretending it was all out of his system. But it only takes someone touching on the topic, however lightly, and Jongin feels like a spring-loaded box has been opened, all at once releasing the anguish he had pent up inside.

He’s trying to cry quietly but hiccups are making their way through, and Krystal is clearly taken by surprise. “Oh, Nini, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” She instinctively pulls him into a hug and pats his back as he cries on her shoulder.

Jongin is desperately attempting to calm down, but to no avail. He speaks in clipped phrases, interrupted by stuttered breaths from his crying. “I shouldn’t be crying to you about this. I’m sorry to put you in such a… such a crappy situation. God, you confess to me and then I cry to you about someone else? I’m such a jerk. It’s just… you’re the only person I ever told, so I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it, and…”

She shushes him softly. “Don’t worry about me. Look, right now I’m only concerned about how upset you are, as my friend. I just care about you, Jongin, like I always have for years. You’re very dear to me, and I’m here for you, to listen if you want to talk or to respect your space if you’d rather. Whatever you need.” Her eyes convey her sincerity; it feels reminiscent of the times he’d lost his EXO members. Krystal seems poised to walk away and give him privacy to grieve if that’s what he wants or to just be a good listener, no hidden intentions.

He relaxes a bit, knowing this. “Remember when Sulli left and you just needed to let it out? Can I… can I kinda just cry like that for a bit?”

“Of course you can,” she affirms quietly. She stands there, just like he had for her in the Room of Sorrows, and simply holds him in a firm hug as he weeps a little longer on her shoulder.

Jongin appreciates having a friend he can count on like this; he clears his mind of their recent awkwardness and pretends this is just Krystal, his friend of 8 years, whom he can talk to about anything. He lets it out: “I keep wondering if the relationship meant more to me than to… them. Even though I’m the one who broke it off.”

“ **You** broke it off?” Krystal’s naturally surprised because, well, here he is all heartbroken.

“Yeah… I did…”

“Well, if you’re this unhappy being broken up, why don’t you just tell her you changed your mind, that you miss her and still want to be together?”

“It’s not that simple. I… I said made some pretty harsh accusations in the heat of the moment.”

Krystal sighs. “Of course you did. You’re so impulsive,” she scolds him gently.

“Besides which,” Jongin continues, “the main reason I called it off… still stands. I don’t think I could really continue the relationship exactly how it was. I’m not sure it would ever change… But God, I…” he can’t finish the sentence as he succumbs to sobs again.

“…you still really like her.” Krystal finishes for him.

And then there’s nothing else to say. His situation sucks, and he knows it.

\--------------------------------

He really wasn’t spying this time. Honest. Kyungsoo only meant to find extra water bottles for their room because Jongdae and Baekhyun ended up wasting several of theirs pouring water down each other’s backs in some ridiculous truth or dare game gone wrong.

As he rounds a corner toward the back near the store rooms, he sees Jongin leaning down in Krystal’s embrace, crying. His eyes widen and he starts walking backward almost immediately, but Krystal is positioned where she’s looking over Jongin’s shoulder, and she notices him. He freezes, like a deer in headlights, knowing he’s caught something he’s not supposed to.

Krystal isn’t alarmed, though. She mouths to Kyungsoo in explanation: “They broke up.” What she does next completely surprises him.

She frowns. And even juts her bottom lip out in a small pout. He even notices her eyes seem to glisten a touch with unshed tears. _‘She’s genuinely upset for him…’_ While his body is yearning to reach out and pull Jongin away and into his own arms, he knows there is no good way for the three of them to handle any kind of conversation or confrontation right now. He also hates feeling like he’s intruding on Jongin’s privacy, so he puts his right index finger to his lips in a “shhh” motion to tell Krystal not to mention his presence and reluctantly backs away.

On his walk back to EXO’s room, his heart aches over his… ex’s pain. But hope surges in him at the same time. Jongin ISN’T indifferent – he’s just been putting up a convincing front. Maybe he can still fix this…

During the ending stage for SMTOWN, Kyungsoo reaches out and grasps Jongin’s arm, giving it a tender squeeze. He doesn’t expect a response, so he’s surprised when he gets one. The dancer gently touches his hand and strokes his thumb over the back of his palm. It’s not much but it’s something. It’s enough to keep the small spark of hope in Kyungsoo alive and feed his determination.

.

.

.

Waiting at the airport to fly back to Goheung that night, Kyungsoo attempts to compose a text. He starts and stops repeatedly, frustrated that he can’t find the right words.

“I’ve re-lived the ending to our fight countless times.  
I know you said you’re over it and can’t do this anymore.  
But I’m not over it.  
I’m not over you.  
I take back what I said:  
The only thing that’s too hard is being without you.  
I’ll be back for good in two weeks.  
Wait for me.”

He stares at the message for the whole flight. When he lands, he knows he’s running out of time before he’ll lose phone reception again. In the end, he decides not to rehash their argument and just talk through it in person instead. He deletes all but the last two lines and presses send.

 **To Jongin**  
I’ll be back for good in two weeks.  
Wait for me.

 ------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Pic at the beginning is from the [Beijing concert](http://fykaisoo.tumblr.com/post/125346036204/%ED%97%A4%EB%B8%90-do-not-edit).
>   * Here’s the picture with [Soo touching Nini’s arm](http://fykaisoo.tumblr.com/post/125299623977/exokaisoo) from SMTOWN Osaka, like the only interaction I could ever find between the two of them for that concert. This is the infamous ‘cold’ period in Kaisoo sightings irl, so I hope you are ‘enjoying’ (with a side of sobs) the fic’s explanation for it.
>   * (Oh, and the [rumors about his role in _Hyung_](http://www.soompi.com/2015/07/27/exos-d-o-considering-first-lead-role-for-feature-film/) came out right after SMTOWN Osaka, so I figure he knew about it in time for the Beijing concert.)
> 

> 
>  Aaaaaaaaaa, I hope this chapter helped clarify both of their positions and is consistent in their character development? Tell me what you’re thinking in the comments! I’m probably about to say too much again as the author, so skip this next ramble if you want to ‘let the fic speak for itself.’ (I’m awful at that bc remember, I’m really at heart a reader and live for discussing fics in comments with others, hahaha.) I really wanted their relationship disruptment here to be about something REAL, not just a stupid misunderstanding. Jongin has a legitimate issue (or 2) with Soo, and Soo has valid reasons to be upset with Jongin. And there’s no magical, quick fix. Real life relationships run into real life differences in priorities and struggles when you disagree, and I hope that I captured that alright. I love fluff fics and fairytale bliss, but I’m trying to make this as realistic of a non!au fic possible, so here we are. And again, Krystal is not a villain. (That’d be too easy.)
> 
> More action in the next chapter; a lot of this happened in Soo’s head. He deserved a voice after we heard almost exclusively from Nini last chapter.


	18. Wild Nights

EXO'LUXION ERA

 

**From Kyungsoo**  
I’ll be back for good in two weeks.  
Wait for me.

 

Jongin reads the message every day. His heart beats a bit faster each time, but his brain chides him and tries to formulate a plan for how to actually react once the beautiful boy returns. He stares at the singer’s empty bed across from his: neatly made, with sheets smoothed out and corners crisply tucked in, reflecting Kyungsoo’s meticulous perfectionism. He knows he can’t continue the way he was at the last two concerts, just avoiding Kyungsoo whenever he’s around. He’s going to be there, RIGHT THERE, in just one more day. He’s already sick of Chanyeol’s concerned looks and Junmyeon asking him if everything’s alright. He thinks the leader has even harassed Sehun to talk to him more, to remind him he has other friends in the group, but heaven help him, Sehun never has any idea what to say. Jongin actually takes pity on his awkward attempts to start conversation and ends up suggesting they go practice dancing (much to Sehun’s relief). Any further distance from Kyungsoo when he returns is going to spark suspicions.

He’s going to have to at least be friendly.

_‘You can do this. You were friends for years before anything more happened… not to mention you switched back to friends for a while, too.’_ He lies to himself that it’ll be an easier transition than he thinks. Deep down he knows it’s different this time. He’d called Kyungsoo ‘jagi,’ and reveled in the way Soo’s rich voice whispered ‘baby’ at him amid stolen kisses. How, after all these… feelings… they’d had for each other, were they supposed to return to just friends?

That final night before his return, after checking that Chanyeol is fast asleep, Jongin allows himself one more moment of lingering in the dark by Kyungsoo’s bed. His nightly routine here is a private indulgence he’s allowed himself every day the boy has been gone, even after their break up in Beijing. He closes his eyes and pretends the older boy is there. It used to be easier, when the singer’s intoxicating scent still clung to the fabric, but that’s long since dissipated after months of disuse. He lets his fingers drift across the pillow, tracing where Kyungsoo’s raven hair will once more lie. As a tear rolls down his cheek, Jongin leans forward and lightly kisses the pillow where heart-shaped lips will be, parted slightly as the older boy breathes softly while sleeping.

As he climbs into his own bed, Jongin says goodbye to this comforting habit, knowing he can’t continue it. He lies awake going over all the possibilities of how to respond to Kyungsoo coming through the dorm’s front door in the morning.

Chickening out, he decides that avoidance, even with obnoxious questions from members, will be easier than trying to be friends.

.

.

.

Kyungsoo’s not making that plan easy on him.

Almost like he knew Jongin might try to hide, Kyungsoo starts giving each and every member a hug shortly after putting his shoes away in the front entrance. If Jongin declines one or leaves the room without it, it’s going to look super suspicious. He holds his breath and closes his eyes right before the shorter male wraps him arms around him, as if minimizing the number of senses that are exposed to Kyungsoo will somehow help reduce the yearning from within to hold on and never let go.

“Hey. I need to talk to you.” Kyungsoo says this just a touch louder than his normal volume, almost like he wants to make sure everyone hears him. Jongin panics: normally that’d be a phrase that they might whisper to each other to _avoid_ attracting attention. If the singer’s move was purposeful, it worked. Everyone is looking at them right now.

“Um, maybe later,” Jongin immediately evades. “Sehun and I are just about to head over to dance practice.”

The maknae’s head whips up so fast, his long hair flops comically straight up and then back down in his eyes, causing the boy to blow his bangs back off to the side. “We are?” Junmyeon shoots him a meaningful glare, and Sehun chokes down his last bite of cereal. “I mean, we are. I just need to go get a hat, then I’m ready.”

Jongin winces at how obvious they’re being but tries to keep a straight face when he turns back to Kyungsoo.

“Okay,” the older boy says, with understanding but unwavering eyes. “When you’re ready.”

.

.

.

Between all the broadcasts and Exo’luxion tour stops the group is doing, Jongin manages to keep making excuses for another week to avoid being alone with Kyungsoo. He had figured by now that Kyungsoo would have gotten the hint and given up. Well, to be fair, the older boy was clearly wise to his evading tactics, unable to contain not-so-subtle sighs when Jongin would invite another member over to sit at their table at a meal or when Jongin would pretend to be asleep in the van if Kyungsoo sat next to him.

But he hadn’t stopped trying.

Jaehyuk is now informing the group about their Second Box DVD recordings. “Aside from the usual group activities, we’re going to have you do interview questions in pairs. We’re calling them ‘couple talks,’ and while we can’t pair everyone with everyone, you’ll each do two. Okay, first pairs… Sehun and Chanyeol, Kai and D.O,…”

Jongin stops listening to the pairings. He’s going to have to do a couple talk, on screen, with Kyungsoo. This is a disaster waiting to happen. It violates multiple tenets of his official “avoidance plan” he’s been strictly adhering to since the singer’s return. He pulls Jaehyuk to the side of the group after he’s done announcing.

“Um, are the couple pairings set in stone? Because I’d like to request—“

“No!” Jaehyuk cuts him off, waving his hands frantically. “No requests! Do you have any idea how hard it was to figure out the right way to rotate 9 people through 2 couples and make sure it worked out properly? I nearly hired a consultant to do the math because I kept screwing it up.”

“But, hyung,” Jongin tries his aegyo.

“No buts. Besides, ‘the Jong brothers’ has a nice ring to it, and goodness knows we got so many requests for you and Kyungsoo to do it together.”

Jongin’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Yeah, our social media team has had countless complaints lately that there isn’t enough ‘Kaisoo’ or ‘Kadi’ or whatever the hell the fans call you guys. You’re rarely paired up in our official interviews or reality shows, and apparently you’ve been ‘distant’ during the concerts of late. At least one fan must have gotten ahold of our filming schedule, too, because she was explicitly requesting more interactions between you two for our second DVD shoots.”

Upon hearing this, Jongin narrows his eyes in suspicion and sneaks a peek at Kyungsoo, who’s standing conspicuously close by. The boy meets his gaze head on and gives him the smuggest smirk Jongin has ever seen before turning away. The singer’s shoulders shake lightly, and the dancer knows he’s giggling. GIGGLING.

_‘He stole my move! He’s stooped to pretending to be a fan to push us closer together.’_ Jongin’s heart can’t decide whether he’s annoyed at getting a taste of his own medicine or totally flattered at Kyungsoo’s unflappable determination to get them talking again.

.

.

.

The filming went surprisingly well. Almost too well. Kai adores D.O, and he can’t help but express it when asked direct questions like that. Jongin still can’t bring himself to really look at Kyungsoo, though, worried his defenses might break down at any moment. The older boy’s deviousness knows no bounds, as he even manages to get him to promise to do a meal date sometime in the future at the restaurants they discuss. _‘Smooth fucker,’_ Jongin curses internally, knowing he’s slowly weakening toward the other.

Kyungsoo must sense it, too, because he’s relentless in following Jongin afterward, trying to keep up the momentum of them talking again. The set is outside on what has been a gorgeous day. They end up on a pair of fairly secluded lounge chairs in a shady grove. Little flecks of orange light from the approaching dusk filter through the leafy canopy, giving everything a warm glow. The singer’s only discussing mundane, easy topics, like the mosquito nest that seems like it might fall on Jaehyuk or how the catered food display looks a bit like Minseok’s apple hair style.

Just as the dancer finds himself relaxing and actually laughing at some of the elder’s observations, Kyungsoo transitions to a serious voice matched with an equally heavy gaze. “I really miss you, Jongin.” There’s a beat of silence, and Jongin’s not sure how to fill it. The singer continues, “I’ve thought a lot about what you said, and I need you to know that I—“

“Don’t.” Jongin cuts him off, walls going up defensively. He keeps his eyes trained on the trees above him. He can’t look over at the boy’s perfect features (though his peripheral vision picks up his sharp jawline tensing up). If he does, he knows he’ll get sucked right back into everything that’s captivating about the singer: those puppy dog eyes, his strong, manly brows, luscious lashes…  And he can’t let that happen because there’s just no way for this to end in anything but pain again… for both of them. It’s clear to Jongin now that he’s been overly needy, but he’s not sure how else to _be_ in a relationship. Kyungsoo’s the only significant other he’s ever officially had… and he’s not sure even it technically counts as ‘official.’ He would still be smothering Kyungsoo if he tried to make it work again, and he couldn’t bring himself put that burden on Kyungsoo when the elder was working so hard, doing so well… It wasn’t fair to either of them.

“Please, let me talk to you about it at least. I’m sorry—“

Jongin interrupts again before he loses all composure. “There’s really nothing to talk about, Kyungsoo. You don’t have to apologize for anything. I’m not mad.” He pauses for a moment to take a deep breath, trying to subdue the intense emotions bubbling up under his skin. “I’ll always admire you... as a friend. But I can’t handle being too close again. It’s just not a good idea. I’m sorry.” He gets up and quietly leaves, not chancing a glance behind him.

If he’d looked, he would have seen Kyungsoo curl into a ball as his resolve finally gave out.

\-----------------------------------

 

“Come on, Soo. We haven’t done an acoustic piece together in quite a while.” It’s a few days after the Second Box filming, and the group just finished lunch in the dorm. Chanyeol has pulled the singer out of the common room where the rest of the members are relaxing and into their bedroom. The giant keeps pestering him to agree to a duet in time for their upcoming EXO-L concert in the dome.

Kyungsoo sighs. “It’s not that I won’t do a song with you. Just why does it have to be THAT song?”

“Oh come on, we both love Bruno Mars. We’ve done a lot of Bruno Mars before, and it’s always slayed. Billionaire? Nothing on You? This is like a natural progression for our collaborations. And something tells me that you’ll sing it perfectly, with just the right kind of emotion behind it.” Chanyeol says it casually while leafing through his sheet music, but the singer startles at that final appraisal.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because of your movie you just finished filming. That _Pure Love_ one. Didn’t you just spend 2 months playing a lovesick teenager, full of regrets over losing his first love?” he asks him, looking confused at Kyungsoo’s question.

“Ah, yeah. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” He swallows his anxieties and looks down at his “When I Was Your Man” sheet music.

Chanyeol starts playing the background melodies on the keyboard, and the singer clears his throat and croons the song. He gets through the first verse and chorus okay, but starts feeling his heart strain at the second…

“ _My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways  
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life  
Now I'll never, never get to clean up the mess I made, oh  
And that haunts me every time I close my eyes_  
  
 _It all just sounds like, "Oooh."_  
 _Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize_  
  
 _That I should've bought you flowers and held your hand  
Should've gave all my hours_” –his voice cracks, heavy with his hurt, but he powers through-  
“ _when I had the chance_  
Take you to every party 'cause all you wanted to do was dance—“

They’re interrupted by Jongin storming into the room. Both boys look up at the dancer, Chanyeol with surprise in his eyes, and Kyungsoo with unmistakable pain in his.

“Get out.” Jongin says firmly to the pianist.

Chanyeol jumps up right away and starts to grab a few things from his desk to take with him. “Let me just—“

“It’ll only take a second,” Jongin cuts him off and gestures for him to leave. He holds the door open in anticipation, and shuts it tightly behind the giant after he rushes out.

Kyungsoo’s heart is pounding so furiously, he worries it might give out. Jongin’s staring him directly in the eyes, really looking at him, for the first time since their big argument two months prior. It’s unnerving, because his face is blank, totally devoid of emotion. When he finally speaks, it’s softer than expected, but no less determined, carrying a certain finality with it.

“You sound incredible, you always do. But do me a favor. Please. Don’t sing that. Pick another song.” Jongin holds eye contact with him until he’s done speaking. His gaze then stutters and drops to the floor as he turns and walks out, just as suddenly as he had entered.

Kyungsoo’s at a loss for words. Obviously, the song lyrics are stirring painful feelings for him and Jongin alike. _‘Does that mean he has regrets, too? Despite what he said last week… does he still miss me like I miss him?’_

He doesn’t get a chance to mull this over because Chanyeol is back and looking at him for answers. “Hey… so that was quick. Is everything okay?” he asks with concern.

The singer turns away from his prying gaze. “We’re not doing that song, Yeol. Pick any other one, and I won’t complain, but that one’s out.”

The giant sighs, but perks back up a few seconds later. “Okay, then how about a Bieber song instead? You like Bieber and he’s got great acoustic stuff. Here: we’ll do _Boyfriend_.”

Kyungsoo groans; he’s pretty sure that’s not going to fare much better with his or Jongin’s hearts. He opens his mouth to protest, but Chanyeol intervenes before he can. “You said I could pick and you wouldn’t complain. We’ve only got a few weeks to prepare – so this is it, this is the one.” He hands him the iPad with the lyrics pulled up, and Kyungsoo gives in:

“If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go…”

.

.

.

When they’re done practicing, it’s already past dinner time, but Kyungsoo has no appetite. He looks around for their other roommate, but can’t find him in the dorm.

“He’s dancing. Said he didn’t want me to go with him this time,” volunteers Sehun when he sees the singer looking around the place, even though Kyungsoo hasn’t said a word. He starts to ask how Sehun knew what he was doing, but decides he doesn’t really want the answer and just nods his head in thanks.

He heads for the SM building practice rooms, totally unsure of what to say or do when he gets there. All Kyungsoo really knows is that he’s got to see him. He has to try at least one more time. This time, it’s not about his own pain; Jongin’s flat out rejection at the end of the Second Box filming was the final stab to his heart that shattered his will to keep pursuing the dancer against his wishes.

No, this time, he is drawn to Jongin because of the _dancer’s_ pain that was so evident in their bedroom a few hours ago. Kyungsoo could learn to live with his own chronic ache in his chest. But he couldn’t survive knowing the man he loved was experiencing something similar. Though he accepted that his own broken heart might be beyond repair, he wouldn’t rest until he’d at least tried to put the younger boy’s back together. Whatever that meant right now.

He finds him easily, in his usual practice room, lights dimmed down low. Kyungsoo enters silently, successfully escaping the boy’s notice, and just stands along the wall, watching. Jongin has been dancing for a while, given the layer of sweat glistening off his bare skin. His tank is discarded in the corner of the room and he’s wearing only thin sweat pants. As gorgeous as he is, it’s the beautiful way Jongin moves that steals Kyungsoo’s breath away. He’s doing a combination of modern dance and ballet style, eyes closed as though he only needs to feel the music and the lyrics rushing through him to dance this one properly. Kyungsoo watches the younger boy’s face contort with pain, emotional not physical, as he twists and turns to [the beat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxV_paz84Mw).

_“You got me sippin' on something_  
I can't compare to nothing  
I've ever known, I'm hoping  
That after this fever I'll survive  
I know I'm acting a bit crazy  
Strung out, a little bit hazy  
Hand over heart, I'm praying  
That I'm gonna make it out alive

_The bed's getting cold and you're not here_  
The future that we hold is so unclear  
But I'm not alive until you call  
And I'll bet the odds against it all  
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear  
You might be right but I don't care  
There's a million reasons why I should give you up  
But the heart wants what it wants…”

 

Like a magnet, Kyungsoo can’t help it as his body pushes off the wall. Slowly, he starts to make his way over to Jongin, who’s just now sensed his presence and opened his eyes.

  
_“The heart wants what it wants”_

 

The younger stops dancing and takes in the other. Tears slowly drip down Kyungsoo’s face as he treads closer; he doesn’t bother to brush them away. He keeps moving toward Jongin slowly, one step at a time. The dancer starts to back away from him, but his feet are even more hesitant than Kyungsoo’s, barely shuffling a few inches away. The younger’s eyes are troubled, suggesting an internal struggle.

The singer’s only a few feet away when he whispers his name, like a prayer. “Jongin… I can’t bear to see you hurt like this.” He draws his hand up to caress the boy’s cheek.

“Stop…” the younger says, yet he remains rooted to the spot. Contrary to his words, he’s not shying away from the touch, but seems as though he’s leaning into it as his eyes seem to beg Kyungsoo to come closer.

The older boy lets his fingers trail underneath Jongin’s chin. Kyungsoo’s bottom lip trembles as another tear falls from his eyes but he keeps his gaze locked on the younger. “Tell me you really want me to go… that you _really_ want me to stop trying… and I promise I will.” Though he feels his body drawing him, sucking him towards the dancer, he fights against the pull as he lays his heart bare one more time, prepared for the rejection but hoping against hope it won’t come.

Jongin’s eyes are now filled with tears, too, as they flit back and forth between Kyungsoo’s right and left orbs. Slowly, the dancer seems to give in to the gentle pressure from the fingers under his chin, leaning down to meet Kyungsoo’s lips in a soft, slow kiss. It’s gentle and chaste, but neither boy is breathing a sigh of relief. No, there’s no relaxing into this kiss. Kyungsoo realizes their physical contact is only further intensifying the emotions flowing inside him: the sorrow, the deep need, the desperate chase for more of Jongin back in his life. Each additional press of their lips seems to carry heavier meaning, mouths meeting with clearer, escalating intentions. Kyungsoo stops to speak. “Jongin, I l—“

The younger interrupts him by covering his plush lips over the singer’s heart-shaped ones again, more firmly. “No, don’t say anything. I can’t… I still can’t handle talking… expectations… I can’t do it. Please, no more words…” he begs without ever stopping kissing him.

So Kyungsoo relents and quits trying to talk. _‘If you won’t let me tell you, I’ll just have to show you…’_ he thinks. And he puts forth his best efforts to make the younger understand him, trying to mend the breaks he caused inside as he nuzzles down the dancer’s chest and drags his tongue tenderly over his left pec. Jongin runs his fingers continuously through his hair as he gasps softly. After a while, Kyungsoo places his right palm over the boy’s breastbone and gently suckles his way up Jongin’s neck til he’s back face to face with him. Somehow, neither is surprised to see the other still crying. Together, they move to the floor as their tongues tangle in their mouths, clinging tightly to each other as they fall under the delicious spell of the chemistry between them.

_“This is a modern fairytale_   
_No happy ending_   
_No wind in our sails._   
_But I can’t imagine_   
_A life without_   
_Breathless moments_   
_Breaking me down, down, down, down…”_

They make love, unhurried, tending so carefully to each other’s bodies and desires. Even through all of the tears they both continue to shed, it’s the most exquisite thing Jongin’s ever experienced. It’s hours later, after countless touches, fingers entwining and releasing over and over again, lips caressing every square inch of each other, that they finally move to leave the room.

_“The heart wants what it wants, baby_   
_It wants what it wants, baby_   
_It wants what it wants…”_

Jongin turns off the music that’s been playing on repeat the whole time and then opens the door, holding it for Kyungsoo to go through first. The older gives him a shy smile in thanks for the chivalrous gesture, and the younger can’t help but return it, even though it’s clear they both aren’t sure what’s supposed to happen next. It’s only as he’s closing the door behind him that Jongin realizes: Kyungsoo had never locked it.

 

\-------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Video ref of the [Kadi couple talk from Second Box](http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3cf00t)
>   * [Soo and Chanyeol sing/play Boyfriend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS4LA0eTfxQ) for the EXO-L Concert
> 

> 
> So, there’s totally Jelena in the soundtrack of this chapter. I didn’t set out for it to be that way, but The Heart Wants What it Wants just fit too well… blame Chansoo for actually using Boyfriend at the concert, haha.
> 
> I hope you love this. I'll be honest, I'm totally weak for a persistent Soo and I enjoyed imagining Nini having that little nighttime routine at the side of Soo's empty bed each night he was gone (sobs). I hope the chapter helps satisfy all the crazy Kaisoo feels while still keeping you guessing at what lies ahead. We’re in late September of 2015 now…
> 
> If you’re enjoying this, talk with me in the comments! Love interacting with you all <3333


	19. High Pressure System in Early Evening

(Immediately following Ch 18)

Paranoia. Jongin is up all night wondering if anyone had seen them, how much they saw, who they might tell. After all his big talk about wanting Kyungsoo to be more open about them being in a relationship, here he is faced with the reality of others knowing, REALLY knowing, and he realizes… he’s not ready. He’s not ready for questions about his sexuality. For what might actually happen to his friendships, his family… his FAMILY. He hadn’t considered what his parents and sisters might say or how society might treat _them_ if everyone finds out he’s bisexual. Or pansexual. Or whatever the hell he is; he’s really not sure since Kyungsoo’s the only guy he’s ever been attracted to.

Gosh, why was he so _pushy_ before?? For some reason, Krystal’s words ring in his ears: _“Nini, you’re so impulsive.”_  Damn straight he is. If only there was some way he could have talked to her about this, she’d probably have helped him anticipate these sudden questions he was just now considering. _‘She_ _practically knows you better than you know yourself,’_ he muses. He was just so desperate for reassurance that Kyungsoo was really serious about him, that it wasn’t just a one-sided love, that he totally lost sight of his own cluelessness about his own identity. He feels so childish now.

He’s also not sure what comes next with him and Kyungsoo. The way their bodies came together… there was so much tenderness, so much care… but were they making up or saying goodbye? And did he leave the door unlocked on accident because he was so upset when he entered, or because he had no idea what they’d end up doing, or was it supposed to be some gesture to show he didn’t care if they got caught – did he WANT them to get caught? Jongin’s so confused.

The sun is rising before he ever actually falls asleep. Chanyeol’s alarm goes off, and the boy slaps the clock to make it stop beeping before shuffling out of bed toward the door. He notices Jongin is awake and gives him a wave of acknowledgment as he yawns. Jongin manages a small head nod in greeting, and they both instinctively look over at Kyungsoo to see if everyone in the room’s awake.

The singer is passed out on his bed, hair disheveled but his positioning otherwise looks completely serene, as though he fell into a deep slumber the moment his head hit the pillow. His lush lips are still pink and swollen from all of the good use they were put to hours before (Jongin shivers at the memory while reprimanding himself to keep it together), and he wears a faint smile as he dreams.

The giant’s low chuckling snaps Jongin back to the present. “Someone’s having himself a good night’s sleep,” he whispers amusedly. “You on the other hand… you look like shit, Jongin. Are you okay?”

The dancer blinks hard, the dryness of his eyes suggesting how bloodshot they probably look from having been open much of the night. “Just, didn’t sleep well,” he murmurs in explanation.

“Ah, well, might as well rise and shine since you’re up. Want the shower first?” Chanyeol offers.

“Sure…”

As Jongin soaks under the stream of warm water, he checks himself for any visible signs of last night’s activities. It’s a habit, even though Kyungsoo has always been so careful with him that he hasn’t ever had to make excuses to their make-up artists. (Something the older boy unfortunately can’t say given Jongin’s occasionally more… reckless approach.) But then he notices it: a slightly purpled spot, about the size of a half-dollar, just to the inside of his left hip bone. It’s low enough that his pants ought to cover most of it, but the top part of the hickey is still going to be visible right above the waistline. He figures he can just say he ran into the corner of a table to explain the mark when he realizes… there’s a faint line of teeth marks around the upper and lower edges. Before the panic can completely set in, Yixing’s banging on the door and coming in to brush his teeth. He pays no attention to Jongin in the shower, too busy singing to himself in Mandarin.

Jongin curses his bad luck of only bringing a towel with him into the bathroom and not his outfit for the day. He turns off the water and dries off while trying to think of a way to wrap the towel where it’ll hide the hickey. It’s too short to wear it under his arms or like a toga without… things dangling below the bottom edge. The best he can do is a high-waisted wrap which, while awkward, at least covers the purple bruise and the parts of his body he’d rather not show everyone. As he steps out of the shower, Yixing jerks his head up in surprise, gives him a quick once over with his half-opened eyes, and says flatly, “You look ridiculous.”

“What. What’s so weird about holding a towel like this? My, my belly button is cold,” Jongin tries to reason, blushing.

Yixing gives him a slack-jawed look that indicates surprise even if he still looks only partway awake. “I meant your hair – you still have shampoo in it. But yeah… the towel’s weird, too.”

The tan boy curses and jumps back into the shower. “I… I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I’m really tired,” he insists. Dammit, he’s so jumpy. He rinses his hair and then plods back out of the shower and the bathroom. _‘You_ _need to get your nerves under control, especially before you see—‘_

“Kyungsoo! Good morning,” Junmyeon greets the dark-haired boy as he emerges from the bedroom into the common area. Jongin startles so hard at the older’s presence stalking his direction that he nearly loses his towel. Kyungsoo’s practically radiating sunshine as he stretches and heads toward the kitchen.

“Morning, everyone,” he says cheerily to the room. Jongin freezes in his spot clutching the towel even tighter to himself as though the mark on his side might burst through at any moment to acknowledge its maker and expose him/them. The singer reaches out a hand and pats the dancer’s chest, still dripping with water, letting his fingers drag down and across his arm as he passes by. It’s definitely a touch that seems more than _friendly_ but is still subtle enough that Jongin’s not sure if the others in the room picked up on it or if his frazzled mind is the only one obsessing over it and the warm zing it leaves behind on his skin.

The dancer bolts into the bedroom to change quickly. He sits on his bed in a tight gray t-shirt and black Bermuda shorts, trying to figure out how to act around the singer once he re-emerges. He can’t help but wonder if anyone saw them last night, or saw what just happened in the common room, or maybe Kyungsoo’s telling Junmyeon right now about them… There’s a certain thrum of excitement but undeniable fear associated with this game of “who knows what.”

Chanyeol re-enters the room, and Jongin bolts out of his thoughts and up onto his feet, eyeing the giant with guarded suspicion. Does their roommate know? “Dude, you’re acting really weird,” the giant says giving him a judgmental look. “Anyway, Jaehyuk is apparently working on something off-site for a few days, so we’re mostly left to our own devices today until a back-up manager shows later this afternoon. Are you going back to sleep or are you gonna come eat breakfast?”

Jongin makes a weird noise that’s meant to sound like ‘breakfast’ and heads out to the kitchen. Kyungsoo’s busy preparing fish pancakes, happily chatting with their leader. He approaches the table cautiously and just observes the conversation while pouring himself a glass of water.

“So, you seem like you’re in a good mood. Slept well last night?” Junmyeon asks.

Kyungsoo grins while slicing the fish. “Yeah, it was the best night I’ve had in a long time.” The boy’s signature wide eyes flicker over to the dancer at the table, and he bites his lip as he returns to focus on the knife in his hand. Jongin’s mouth drops open a little, both because he wants to be the one biting into that bottom lip and because he’s shocked at how open that move was.

The leader has just now noticed the dancer’s presence, having followed Kyungsoo’s gaze over to the table. “Oh hey, Jongin. And how’d you sleep last night?”

“I didn’t,” he accidentally admits, his eyes unblinking as his tired brain desperately tries to make sense of Kyungsoo’s reactions.

The chef is now chuckling to himself. He hums before speaking, “That’s too bad. Were you not tired or was it a problem of being OVER tired, so spent that your body somehow can’t come down from the high it’s been running on?”

Jongin can only feel thankful he’d already finished gulping his water before the older spoke, because he would have surely spit it all across the table otherwise. Flirty, suggestive Kyungsoo is something the younger is not at all prepared to deal with in front of others. Junmyeon’s giving him a weird look, and it’s only then that the dancer realizes he was asked a question and needs to respond. “Body was tired. Mind won’t turn off.”

The leader nods in understanding. “That happens to me, too. What’s on your mind?”

_‘Okay, so Junmyeon’s still clueless…’_ He has no idea how to answer his question. “Just… stuff. Maybe I need to go back to bed; I don’t think I’m ready to face today yet.”

He notices Kyungsoo sending him a quick look of concern as he gets up from the table and treks back to the bedroom. He flops back on his bed and stares at the ceiling. He’s there long enough that he starts to fall asleep but is jolted back awake by the sound of the door opening.

Kyungsoo calmly sits down on his own bed and faces the younger’s. He seems contemplative for a bit as he takes in Jongin’s state: he’s still on his back with his right forearm draped across his face. “Are you… are you hurting?” he finally asks, cautiously.

Jongin blushes. “No, I’m okay, only a little sore. How about you?”

The elder’s eyes bug out in surprise as he splutters, “No, I meant— I meant how are you feeling? Emotionally?” he clarifies as his voice cracks a little. His porcelain skin is flushed pink all over as he reassures, “I’m good… in um, both ways.”

The younger realizes his misinterpretation of the initial question and covers his face with his hands. Good gracious, he needs to shut up and stop trying to think and just sleep before he does something else embarrassing. He lets out a garbled squeak of mortification.

“Hey… it’s okay. It’s just me,” Kyungsoo says softly, trying to coax Jongin out of hiding.

He peeks an eye out between his fingers. Well, he’s already delirious with exhaustion and has no filter. He might as well ask the hard question now. “The door.” _‘That’s not a question,’_ an inner voices sighs at him exasperatedly. “Did you mean to leave it unlocked?”

There’s no sign of surprise in the other’s countenance, but he’s careful with his answer. “Are you worried about it?”

“Well,” Jongin hems and haws before just letting it out, in a slightly whiny voice. “…yeah? I mean, someone might know, and I’ve been trying to figure out if any of the members maybe saw us.”

“I don’t think so, but if they did… I thought you said you wanted them to know?”

“Don’t listen to me! I’m an idiot! Don’t you know I have trouble thinking more than 5 minutes ahead?” he rambles.

Kyungsoo chuckles at him fondly. “Okay, okay. Calm down.”

“I’m sorry, I just—I don’t know what to think right now. I’d like to believe our problems were just because you were gone, but I’m not positive they were. And I know I had pushed for the whole openness thing before… but…” Jongin can’t find the courage to finish his thought. _‘I think it was because I needed to know you felt as strongly about me as I do about you… and now it doesn’t matter because I know you do… but whatever we have still needs work and I just realized I’m not ready to be out.’_ All he can do is look at the older boy with pleading eyes, trying to convey a variety of emotions.

Kyungsoo’s expression is soft and seems to pick up on some parts of the younger’s turmoil, though he’s voiced nothing aloud. “I understand. Sorry I wasn’t diligent about the door, and sorry if I made you uncomfortable out there, in front of Junmyeon.”

“It’s okay, don’t apologize. It’s not that I didn’t like it… I actually really did. Still, I… I don’t….”

“I get it; I heard you last night. No… no expectations, okay? Let’s just… let’s just slowly figure things out. No pressure.”

_‘He’s too damn perfect. You don’t deserve him.’_

After a moment of quiet where they just stare, soaking in each other’s presence, Kyungsoo continues: “The only question I really want you to answer now is the first one I asked: are you still hurting?”

The younger considers this and says honestly, “No.” He’s really not, for once. For the first time in months and months, actually, there’s no ache in his heart. He’s got lots of questions and still can’t discern what the future holds, but his heart is… settled somehow. Peaceful. Trusting.

The older gives him a small smile. “Good. That’s all I really need to know right now.” He stands to leave, but Jongin sits up quickly and grasps his hand before he goes.

“I feel like an asshole. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I’ve said, and now getting all uncertain—“

“Hey. It’s okay. I’m just glad we’re talking and can be ourselves around each other again.” The singer gently caresses his hair and cups his cheek. “Sleep. We can talk more later. I’m not going anywhere.” And though the boy signals toward the common room, those final words seem to carry a much deeper promise.

_‘He’s too damn perfect. You don’t deserve him.’_ Jongin’s inner voice pipes up again.

_‘I know. You’ve already said that.’_ he retorts.

_‘It bears repeating…’_

.

.

.

The next few days are actually… great. While going through the concert rehearsals and promo photoshoots, the two fall back into a comfortable routine of sitting together in the van and hanging around each other during the lulls between sets. This doesn’t go unnoticed by their fellow members.

“Huh-ho! Did Kyungsoo finally apologize for whatever terrible sin he committed against his BFF?” Jongdae teases the first time Jongin slides into the van next to the older.

“More like did Jongin finally stop being mopey about his friend, gasp, taking a job where he couldn’t easily whine at him every day,” counters Baekhyun.

Jongin’s a little miffed over the ribbing (mostly because… he kinds feels like he deserves it), but Kyungsoo just reaches back and slaps his fellow vocalist upside the head. “Shut up, Baek.”

“Yes, please, leave them alone. Can we just be thankful it’s over? No more family feuds, kids!” instructs Junmyeon from the front seat.

And just like that, life continues in EXO as if nothing ever happened. Jongin’s relieved as it’s become apparent that nobody knows about their actual relationship and is willing to brush off their rocky break as just a hiccup in their friendship. Kyungsoo resumes his very subtle touches, like brushing off a crumb he notices on Jongin’s shirt or gently grabbing his elbow to redirect his course when he starts wandering off a sidewalk. There’s nothing remarkable about these gestures. They all very easily pass as friendly ones, but the familiarity and closeness warms the taller one inside. For his part, he’s also resumed his slightly less subtle skinship with the older boy, leaning on him casually while they wait in line or draping an arm around his shoulders loosely in the van. Outwardly, they’re like D.O and Kai used to be… circa two years ago, he supposes. True to his word, the singer hasn’t tried to make any moves the few times they’ve been completely alone either, seemingly not wanting to pressure the dancer into anything physical despite all the lines they crossed back in the practice room just a few days prior. Jongin finds this both endearing and frustrating to no end, but he follows the other’s lead while he’s still trying to work things out in his mind.

Their schedules aren’t as tightly packed as usual, so the two boys actually get a chance to grab coffee and talk, also like they did years ago. In a secluded corner of a small café, Jongin decides he’s ready to think about some of the hard issues before him. “Hyung, when did you realize you were gay?”

If this straight talk surprises Kyungsoo, he doesn’t show it. “Hmmm, probably around 15. I never really had a middle school crush on a girl, which I thought was kind of odd given what most of my friends were blathering about. I did technically date one, and it was just really weird to me. Then, one day around that time, I realized I was always thinking about which guys were cute rather than the girls. Not just sometimes, always. It just… I don’t know… clicked.” The way he responds, so candidly, like it’s perfectly normal conversation, encourages Jongin to ask more.

“Did you, um, did you do anything about it back then?”

The older boy blushes a little. “I mean, I’d rather not name names, but yeah… I did discover one other person who was having similar thoughts. We actually weren’t particularly attracted to each other, but it was more like discovering ‘wow, I’m not alone?’ and then agreeing to… experiment to see if it was really, um, the case.”

“So you had a boyfriend before you started as a trainee?”

“Well, Hyun- I mean, we never really called ourselves that.” Kyungsoo starts gulping his coffee, avoiding eye contact to try and cover up his slip up, but it’s too late. Jongin’s eyes nearly fall out of his head.

“You and Hyunsik!?” he blurts out in surprise, though managing to keep his voice at a reasonable volume.

“SHHHH!” hisses the older. “I didn’t—you’re not—ugh.” He smashes his face down on the table before looking back up with a serious expression. “You do realize you’re sworn to total secrecy now, right?”

The younger gives him a rude, _‘no shit’_ , look and eye roll. He tries to digest the flare in his chest, unsuccessfully, over realizing that Kyungsoo’s been with another guy who’s still… around. Available, even in the exclusive world Kyungsoo’s in now.

Like he can read his mind, the singer scolds him. “Let it go. Like I said, we weren’t really together. It was more a… situation of convenience. It was only a handful of times and we’ve been nothing but friends ever since because, you know, we kind of share a huge fucking secret so we have to have each other’s backs.”

“I don’t like the phrasing of that last sentence,” huffs Jongin. Kyungsoo reaches out and actually knocks his hat off his head and onto the ground to show his mild annoyance at his implied vulgarity. “Hyuuung,” he whines as he puts the cap back on. He knows everything is fine when Kyungsoo glances down at his mug and his reluctant smile quirks up the corners of his lips. That adorable expression melts his heart and makes him forget about the past guy (sort of).

They settle into a comfortable silence, just enjoying their drinks for a bit, before Jongin starts with another question. “Does your family know?”

“My hyung does. I think he knew right around the time I did. I told my mom before I joined SM.”

The younger boy swallows before timidly inquiring, “and what do they think?”

Kyungsoo sits back and sighs. “Seungsoo doesn’t care. Told me I’d always be his little brother, no matter what. My mom… she took it a little harder. We didn’t talk for about a week, and she’d just cry every time I passed her in the house. But, she came around. She said…” the older pauses and smiles down at his lap, “she reminded me that there’s nothing that could ever shake her love for me, that she didn’t understand but she knew I was good, through and through, and who I loved wouldn’t change that.”

Jongin gets teary-eyed imagining those heartfelt words being said by Mrs. Do. Hope springs within him that maybe everything really would be okay for him, too. But Kyungsoo has noticeably left out one very important person. The younger boy doesn’t feel right intruding, so he says nothing, but Kyungsoo’s too perceptive and knows the issue hangs in the air.

“I’ve never told my father. My mom and I decided it was better not to… not to prematurely rock the boat.” The older turns and looks out the window.

He’s been so kind and open with him, that Jongin hates to push any further, but he can’t hide his confusion. “What does that mean, exactly?”

Kyungsoo hesitates a moment, but then turns and looks him in the eye. “It means he won’t ever know unless I meet someone that I’m sure I’ll spend the rest of my life with. If that happens, then I’ll come out to my father, explain why I couldn’t live without that man, and hope he’ll still accept me as a son.” He takes his time drinking the remains of his coffee, trying to act collected and as if this is all a simple decision long ago decided, but Jongin can tell he’s not completely at peace with it. And why would he be? How terrifying to feel like you can’t be honest with your own father about who you love. And clearly, this ‘coming out as a last resort’ suggestion from his mom indicates that his father is likely to react negatively.

Under the table, Jongin reaches out to squeeze the older’s hand. “I’m sorry.” Other words go unsaid with that phrase. _‘For digging up that pain. For your father feeling the way he does.’_ “Thank you, Soo, for sharing with me.”

The elder clears his throat and squeezes his hand back. “Of course. It’s kind of nice, actually. Being able to talk about it.” He gives him a small smile and then asks gently, “Any chance you want to talk about you?”

Jongin purses his lips. “I’m still figuring things out? I never had any girlfriends, and I know I’m not straight… but I don’t think I’m gay?”

“I don’t think you are either.”

“What? How did you know?”

“I didn’t. Just a hunch.” He raises an eyebrow. “You know, you don’t have to worry about putting an explicit label on it. Unless you want to,” he says with no burden in his voice.

Jongin considers that for a minute. “I guess that’s part of what’s making it hard for me to imagine though. Trying to tell my sisters, for example, when, I’m not sure exactly what to tell.”

“Then don’t tell them anything. This isn’t something you should ever feel pressured to talk about, with anyone. Me included. When you get to the point that you want to share, do it, and just say whatever you feel reflects the truth.”

The dancer is so thankful for Kyungsoo, he can’t even put it into words. So he just grabs his hand and whispers, “Let’s go home.”

Jongin thanks his lucky stars that they return to a fairly empty dorm. Most importantly, Chanyeol’s out, so they have their room to themselves. Closing the door softly behind them, the taller boy threads his fingers through the smaller’s hand and tugs him so that they stand with chests pressed together. With his free hand, he carefully maps the older’s face, brushing fingertips along the bridge of his nose, down his cupid’s bow, across a firm cheekbone. He leans in and kisses him tenderly, trying to show him how much he appreciates him for who he is. Kyungsoo sighs against his lips and falls deeper into the kiss, like he’s been holding back but is finally able to relax. Jongin sucks the boy’s lower lip into his mouth and tongues it lavishly before nibbling on it like he’d wanted to days before in the kitchen. The elder groans and fists his hand in the taller’s shirt, pulling him down closer so he can delve his own tongue between the other’s lips, moaning softly with need as he presses further into his hot mouth.

The dorm’s front door banging open loudly causes them to break the kiss. They remain in each other’s arms, Jongin clinging tightly still to Kyungsoo’s waist, and listen for who has arrived.

“Hi, manager-hyung,” they hear Sehun’s lazy greeting in the common room. “You’re back.”

“Yeah. I am.” Jaehyuk’s voice comes out flat as his footsteps get gradually louder.

Realizing what’s about to happen, the older releases his hold on Jongin’s shirt and gently pushes him backwards, whirling  and bending over to dig in his nightstand for a book. The younger doesn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together quite as quickly, so when Jaehyuk opens their bedroom door, he’s just standing there, staring at Kyungsoo’s ass. Jaehyuk takes one look at Jongin, then at Kyungsoo, and settles his eyes back on the dancer.

“Jongin-ah, come with me. I need to talk to you about your solo stage for the next concert.”

“Oh, okay.” Jongin goes to follow his manager out of the room. Kyungsoo stands up to acknowledge Jaehyuk properly and gives a nonchalant, “see ya later” to the dancer. _‘Damn, he plays it so cool. I’ve got to get him to give me acting lessons so I can pull off ‘casual’ this easily.’_

To his surprise, Jaehyuk doesn’t just take him to the kitchen to talk, but has them go down to the van outside. Once they’re both seated inside, he doesn’t start the engine. Instead, he turns to him and sighs.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but we’ve got a big problem.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s a rumor floating around that there’s a gay idol couple inside a group.”

Ice runs through Jongin’s veins. He tries very hard not to react outwardly, but he can feel his breath quickening and his eyes widen involuntarily, so he changes tactics and attempts to project shock at the news.

“Whoa, really? Wow, that’s… Why are you telling me this?”

“Because…” Jaehyuk squirms, clearly uncomfortable. “Because I saw you the other night. In the practice room. With Kyungsoo.”

Speechless, Jongin tries to formulate a rationale, an out, anything, but he can’t make words cross his lips. Finally, a vacant “…it’s not what you think,” tumbles out.

“Yeah, I’m **really** not comfortable talking about what I saw so let’s please skip any flimsy attempts to cover it up. I’m not…” Jaehyuk continues to fidget and not look directly at him. “I’m not going to pretend I understand what’s going on. I don’t want to know more either, so please spare me the details.” He shudders a bit with what seems to be mild, yet restrained, disgust before finally looking the boy right in the eye and measuring each word forcefully. “But I’m warning you: **Be more careful**.”

Jongin swallows thickly, feeling shamed even though what his manager is saying is not particularly harsh. He can’t help but wonder aloud, “Is there a reason you didn’t talk to both of us? Right away?”

Jaehyuk’s a little less patient now with his response. “Because I needed to do a few days of reconnaissance first to see if the journalists actually have any dirt or if they’re just fishing with the rumors. Luckily, for now, it seems like the latter. And I only pulled _you_ out here because I know you two and there’s no way Kyungsoo would be so reckless and irresponsible about this. You’re the one I’m worried about fucking it up,” he says somewhat bitterly.

Jongin cringes at the irony, how Jaehyuk’s evaluation is partly spot on yet in this particular instance, it _had_ been Kyungsoo who’d been reckless. _‘Because of you… you and your stupid demands to be open…’_ He’s glad Jaehyuk’s taking only him to task over this and leaving Kyungsoo alone.

“Who else knows?” the manager asks.

Jongin’s solemn. This definitely wasn’t the way he wanted his first discussion about his relationship to go, and not the person he’d wanted to first share it with. “No one. Just us 3.”

“Well, make sure we keep it that way.”

\-----------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Here's the [original rumor about the gay idol couple](http://www.ilyosisa.co.kr/news/articleView.html?idxno=87099), released in mid-September 2015, which is where we're at now
>   * Also, [Kyungsoo and Hyunsik are friends](http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me2hmqBxrw1rqrpn9.gif) and have been [since middle school](http://66.media.tumblr.com/282db98691917b59232e0113a5e18e85/tumblr_mraqeuKQnr1rw5s69o1_500.jpg). Sorry, I couldn’t resist 'pairing' them here, hahaha.
> 

> 
> I know it's been angst heavy lately; I hope you enjoyed the lighter start to this chapter and the reconciliation + talk Kaisoo had. 
> 
> No Kyungsoo POV this time, but I hope you still got a good look at how he's feeling/what he's thinking in how I wrote this. Poor Ninibear is going thru a lot. Please love and understand him...
> 
> Comments are always loved! <333


	20. Cloudy Days, Clear Nights

Japanese Debut Era (Romantic Universe) + Sing For You Era

 

Kyungsoo’s not quite sure where they are now. He didn’t take it personally, Jongin’s sudden fears about their relationship being discovered. He understood that the younger was still working through things in his mind, still wrestling with his sexuality and its repercussions. The dancer had seemed to take a step back since their frank coffee shop talk, though, which surprised the older a bit. During their impromptu EXO trip shortly thereafter, Jongin spent more time with Sehun and Minseok, it seemed, than with him. Kyungsoo brushed this off as potentially time for the younger boy to quiet his mind without the older distracting him with his presence. _‘Goodness know you’re always distracted by his whenever he’s by your side,’_ he reasoned with himself.

Kyungsoo was sure to keep his touches fond but subtle in front of the members, as he always had, but Jongin seemed less receptive and especially jumpy nonetheless. In the van, in the practice rooms, in any public space… the only place he seemed to relax fully was in their room back at the dorm. There, in their own personal bubble, Kyungsoo would see the younger boy’s shy smile emerge again along with the adoring eyes that made him feel so special, like what he had to say mattered more than anything else. Early morning tickles until he fell out of bed trying to avoid them, late night whispers to each other about everything and nothing at all: his days were sometimes bookended by wonderfully simple moments with Jongin but with very little acknowledgment in between.

There was one notable exception. Once, late afternoon after their schedules for the day were over and Jaehyuk actually promised them they had the rest of the day off, Jongin had suggested they watch some anime series he had on his laptop. They huddled in Jongin’s bed, curled up under the covers due to the cool autumn air that had produced a chill in the dorm since the heaters weren’t turned on yet. Chanyeol had paid them no mind when he came in to get a video game, just casually asking which anime they were watching before leaving. Near the end of the first episode, Jongin had nuzzled his nose into the elder’s hair right behind his left ear. The younger’s close proximity was already enough to arouse him; the hot air wafting over his ear and down the side of his neck just further accelerated it. Kyungsoo couldn’t hide the hitch in his breath or the shudder that went through his body upon finally feeling the dancer so intimately close again. He’d still been trying to give him enough space to avoid making him feel pressured, but now that the boy was so close, his hand shot out on its own accord and gripped the taller’s right thigh on reflex when lips landed lightly on his neck, just barely grazing the skin. He could feel the younger smirk at the fingers kneading his thigh seemingly with minds of their own as Jongin mouthed down the singer’s neck, tongue lightly teasing as it traced patterns in the cleft above his collarbone. It took every ounce of Kyungsoo’s willpower to not yank the boy up onto his lap and have his way with him; as much as he craved that, he still wanted Jongin to feel in control of everything about their relationship for now. So he settled for trying to entice the dancer instead. “Mmm, Jongin…” he cooed in a husky tone.

The younger boy’s grunt and eager hand reaching across to tug Kyungsoo closer by the waist suggested that his ploy with his voice was working. Jongin’s mouth moved to the singer’s Adam’s apple, licking a bit more hungrily.

“I’ve missed feeling your mouth on me,” Kyungsoo continued to provoke the other with his suggestive voice while carding his fingers through the dancer’s hair. After a stuttered “hah,” the singer got what he was wishing for as the boy shoved the laptop out of the way and swung a leg across Kyungsoo’s lap, straddling him before bringing his swollen lips up to lock onto the elder’s in a blazing kiss. Oh, how Kyungsoo had missed Jongin’s delicious taste. He drew his hands up under the boy’s shirt to splay them across the smooth, tanned back, soaking in the dancer’s warmth now evident in their skin-to-skin contact and wet, hot mouths. With his body on autopilot, he ground his hips up into Jongin’s. The younger moaned, but then suddenly pushed himself up and off of Kyungsoo. The singer’s lips seemed to chase after him, a little bewildered from the abrupt loss of heat and softness that had been there a few seconds ago. When he opened his eyes, he noticed Jongin pulling a door stop out from under the bed and wedging it tightly under their door.

“Just in case…” the younger said shyly, with his cheeks tinged pink (from embarrassment or their passionate making out, Kyungsoo couldn’t tell). He gave Jongin a reassuring smile and nod to let him know everything was fine. And just like that, the dancer’s eyes flashed with desire once more as he climbed back on top of the elder, tugging him down from his sitting position until he was flat on the bed underneath the taller’s long, lean body. Jongin pressed him down into the mattress with the weight of his body and leaned in to whisper, “Let me show you how much I’ve missed having you to myself.”

.

.

.

It’s well into October now, and after a whirlwind time getting their Japanese debut ready, Kyungsoo is about to start filming _Hyung_ soon, which means less time around the dorm. Remembering how Jongin had resented the elder monopolizing his time before leaving for _Pure Love_ , he vows to himself to not be so clingy this time leading up to his new acting gig. So when he hears the boy’s phone going off repeatedly from what must be a group text, he asks Jongin with a small smile, “what’s going on tonight? Seems like your friends are anxious to get ahold of you.”

“Ah…” Jongin reads the texts and pockets the phone quickly, avoiding Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Just… some people are going to play pool, it looks like.”

“Some people?”

He seems reluctant to answer, but after a deep breath replies. “It’s Taemin and… Krystal. But no worries, I’m not going.”

Kyungsoo’s heart hurts at this unnecessary reassurance, knowing that his past behavior has made the younger feel guilty over wanting to just spend time with friends. “Why not? You should go have fun.”

Jongin gives him a quizzical look. “Huh?” He looks dubious.

So Kyungsoo tells a white lie. “Yeah, I don’t want you to be stuck here by yourself, or worse, getting roped into Baek’s late night gaming extravaganzas. I’m planning to get dinner with Insung-hyung and Kwangsoo-hyung; they’ve asked me to go several times recently and I’d had to decline due our schedules, so I said yes this time. Seriously, go out with your friends. And tell them both I say hi,” he tries to give a convincing smile.

“Oh. Okay, I’ll see you later tonight or tomorrow then?”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo gives him an encouraging hand squeeze before ushering him out of their room in a teasing fashion. Once the dancer is gone, he flops back on his bed and decides he better at least make an effort to contact Insung and Kwangsoo…

\---------------------------------------------

Jongin is finally starting to breathe a little easier. For weeks, he felt like shriveling up and disappearing every time he saw Jaehyuk, wondering if he was silently judging him whenever their eyes met. He didn’t want their manager to lash out at them, privately or publicly, so he was extra careful to keep a bit of distance between himself and Kyungsoo when they were around him. Which unfortunately meant the majority of their days. If the older boy was upset, though, he didn’t really show it other than a brief disappointed twist of his mouth when Jongin would sit between other members at lunch. But whenever Jongin made eye contact and smiled at him, he always got a warm grin back.

Lately, Kyungsoo is filming _Hyung_ whenever they don’t have an EXO schedule, it seems, so their day-to-day contact is minimized again. Things are radically different from _Pure Love,_ though, as he had been hanging out with Taemin and Krystal regularly with Kyungsoo’s blessing. This past week, however, Shinee released a Japanese single (“really guys, right after our debut?” Jongin had teased), and Krystal’s been busy preparing for f(x)’s new album, so he’s been bored. On a whim, he decides to sneak into Music Bank to support f(x)’s _4 Walls_ comeback, and he drags Sehun along with him.

They’re not stupid enough to try and be in the actual audience, even if it gives the best views of the performance, opting to watch from backstage instead. When the girls come back after pre-recording is over, they light up upon seeing their label mates waiting for them.

“Oh hey, thanks for coming!” Luna gushes at them.

“Sure, you all were great,” Sehun says, sliding to the side to keep conversing with her after greeting the others. Jongin watches this development with some surprise; he files it away as something to ask Sehun about later.

Krystal’s done removing her mic and wanders over as Jongin grins widely at her. “You rocked it. I love the vogue-ing.”

“Yeah?” she asks, with bright eyes lit up with sincere excitement and a slight blush on her cheeks. He can’t help but feel a little guilty, wondering if maybe he shouldn’t compliment her after all. Or maybe it was a bad idea to come without Taemin – Sehun’s not really serving as a friend buffer here with Krystal. The maknae is making more conversation with Luna than he’s seen him make with EXO members in 3 years.

“So what are you guys doing here? Don’t you have a schedule today?” she asks in her more typical nonchalant manner while grabbing a water bottle.

“Sehun does later today, but we just wanted to come by and cheer you on. I…” , he falters watching her sip her water. Her lips are wet when she finishes, and Jongin tries not to stare. He lowers his voice a little and continues his thought from before. “I know you were a bit nervous about your first comeback without Sulli. You were marvelous – you all were. F(x) as four members is still incredibly strong… um, like 4 solid walls…” he babbles on, not sure how to stop talking.

Krystal rolls her eyes and laughs good-naturedly. “Oh my gosh, stop it. When you say it, it sounds so lame and forced,” she teases. She reaches out to gently push his shoulder but halts before she actually reaches him and draws her hand back quickly, like she’s just remembered she shouldn’t touch him. The atmosphere turns awkward quickly, and Jongin’s really cursing at himself for not keeping Sehun closer. _‘That little shit obviously had an ulterior motive for coming,’_ he reflects as Luna’s laughter peels through the room while the kid is animatedly telling her some story.

“So… how are things with… you know… your special someone?” Krystal asks in a hushed tone. Because they’ve been hanging out with Taemin all the time, she hasn’t brought up Jongin’s significant other in quite a while.

“Um… it’s… better?” He considers confessing that it’s Kyungsoo they’re talking about, but he remembers Jaehyuk’s veiled threat. Plus, backstage at Music Bank is not a private place by any stretch of the imagination, and he’s still not sure how she’s going to react, so he keeps the references vague. “My manager found out, though.”

“Oh? He didn’t know?”

“I told you, nobody knows. Or knew. I really meant nobody.”

She nods and gulps. “So what happened?”

“Well, he wasn’t happy. Actually, he was pretty angry with me and it feels like he is constantly watching me to see if I’ll slip up or something.” He cringes at the memory of Jaehyuk’s vigilant eyes boring into him anytime he’s near Kyungsoo.

“That sucks… Does… does she make you really happy, Nini?” she asks tentatively.

“Of—of course,” he says, confused by the question.

“Sorry. I’m just asking because… every time we talk, I just hear about how hard this relationship is on you. And it makes me sad for you because, well… love shouldn’t be this hard. I mean, every couple is going to have their ups and downs, but I just worry that this relationship really drains you. You’re constantly worried: about what you mean to them, about how to keep it a secret, now it’s affecting your work and how your manager is treating you… I just want you to be happy.”

“But those things aren’t… when I’m with… I am happy,” he tries to defend. His brows furrow as he tries to figure out a way to explain it to her.

“Okay. Hey, sorry, I wasn’t trying to upset you,” Krystal reaches up without thinking and tries to smooth out the lines between his eyes to get him to relax. “And if you’re happy, then I’m glad,” she says with a small smile that betrays a touch of her melancholy with it. “I just hope she treats you right to make up for all you’re having to go through for her.”

Before Jongin can answer, f(x)’s stylists are ushering the girls to come change for their second stage outfits. Sehun jogs back over and reminds him, “Hey, I gotta leave for that event. Are you going back to the dorm or are you staying?”

Jongin waffles , chewing on his bottom lip. He wants to stay and support the girls but at the same time thinks it might be a bad idea to linger on his own. “I’m heading back with you. Lemme just say goodbye.”

“Thanks again for coming. It means a lot to me.” Krystal’s shyness returns as she smiles at him briefly before dropping her gaze and tucking her hair behind her ear almost nervously.

 _‘Damn, she is really cute when she wants to be…’_ a voice in his head casually observes. Jongin shakes it off and forces himself to give her a quick hug, to remind himself and prove that she’s just Krystal, his good friend who’s looking out for him.

On his way back home with Sehun, though, her words echo in his mind. _‘Love shouldn’t be this hard.’_ He tries not to think about them later that evening as he falls asleep while Kyungsoo’s still out filming until after midnight.

.

.

.

Another city, another concert. They are making their way through Japan this time. Jaehyuk is finally done giving Jongin withering glares, distracted by planning all the year-end schedules they have coming up, likely. Or maybe he’s just convinced it’s over and everything is fine now; the dancer has been on his best behavior for 2 months at this point (except for that one afternoon in the dorm that he doesn’t need to know about).

So when he feels Kyungsoo’s hand land on his back during a ment in Tokyo, Jongin decides enough is enough. He stands up and grasps the smaller boy by the shoulder, leaning in to whisper in the singer’s ear, “I’m taking you out tonight.”

Kyungsoo’s shock is evident, his gorgeous wide eyes growing larger as he asks for confirmation of what he just heard. “Hmm?”

“I said, I’m taking you out tonight. Just us.” Jongin’s arm over his shoulders lingers, and he tucks him closer into his side, possessively, when his free hand comes up to complete his hold on him.

To the dancer’s delight, the older hums and nods in agreement. He brings his hand up to rub the back of Jongin’s approvingly, as though encouraging him to keep his tight hold on him.

After they get back to the hotel, they shower and change. Jongin takes some time to carefully consider his clothing options. He can’t wear anything too flashy, but he wants to look good for Kyungsoo. After much deliberation, holding up various tops in the mirror and rejecting several, he settles on a blue and tan boat neck sweater to go with his black skinny jeans. He opts for black dress shoes that don’t scream ‘formal’ but are nicer than his Vans. He skips the gel and styles his hair down in a natural, boyish style, which seems more fitting for tonight. As his gives himself a final once over, he can’t help but feel a little jittery. It’s silly, he knows, because after all: this is Kyungsoo, not some stranger he’s meeting for the first time. But it is his first date since his teen years, and… this is KYUNGSOO. He really wants their first real date to go well.

It’s quite late, the full moon having risen hours before, and they’re not as widely known in Japan, so Jongin decides to leave the face mask at home. He grabs a black beanie, though, just in case.

When he emerges from his room, he sees Kyungsoo waiting in the living area, dressed in a black button down dress shirt and dark grey pinstripe slacks. The older boy has swept his fringe up just a touch with some hair product. _‘Stunning,’_ Jongin thinks as he approaches him. Kyungsoo’s eyes rake over his body in a not-so-subtle manner before he gives him a small grin. They stand there a moment, soaking in each other’s presence.

“So where do you want to go?” the singer asks.

“I found a restaurant that has the best authentic shabu-shabu not too far--,” he starts to offer but stops abruptly as Junmyeon, wearing pajamas, wanders in to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Upon seeing the two dressed up, he gives them a surprised look.

“You aren’t going to bed? It’s 11pm,” the leader yawns.

Jongin looks at the other, trying to figure out what to say.

“We’re not tired yet but we’re hungry. There’s nothing on the schedule tomorrow morning, so we figured we’d just go out to get some food rather than have to order in again,” Kyungsoo says casually.

Suddenly, Sehun pops his head out of his and Junmyeon’s room. “Food? I could eat. Can you wait for me to get dressed?”

Jongin panics for a second, but before he can respond—

“NO,” yells Kyungsoo, a little more forcefully than necessary. “We’re getting high class food. It’s a foodie thing – until you get over bubble tea and microwavable ramyun as the pinnacle of cuisine, you’re not coming.” The glare the singer gives the maknae is so contemptuous that Sehun squeaks and cowers back into the room without bothering to object. “Let’s go, Jongin,” he says back in his normal tone of voice and motions toward the front door. The dancer scurries as quickly as he can without seeming too suspicious, thankful they’ve escaped when Kyungsoo closes the door behind them.

“That was close. You didn’t need to scare Sehun quite that much, though,” he chuckles, playfully bumping his shoulder into the other’s.

Kyungsoo smiles and bumps him right back. “Had to make sure he backed off. This is our time…” he says softly, pretending to focus on pushing down button to summon the elevator as his face flushes a little.

Jongin wants so badly to lean in and kiss his rosy cheek, but since they’re in plain sight in the hallway, he settles for a light squeeze on his shoulder instead, letting the backs of his knuckles slide down the elder’s arm and across the back of his hand as he lets go. “Yeah, it is.”

The restaurant is quiet and no one pays them any attention in their corner booth. Dinner’s relaxed. They avoid talking about work, asking about how family members are doing instead. “Oh, you’ve got to see the new pictures of Rahee my mom sent to me,” Jongin gushes over his niece, handing Kyungsoo his phone to get a good look.

“She’s adorable,” he says, his eyes crinkling up as he stares at the little girl with her apple hairdo on the screen. “Wow, she’s getting so big already,” he coos.

Jongin laughs at how Kyungsoo seems to be mimicking the little girl’s faces as he scrolls through some of her photos, his signature eyes widening while doing fish lips like Rahee had done at the pet shop by the fish tanks. “So cute. I never realized you liked kids, hyung.”

“I do, I’m just... not around them much,” he says, handing the phone back. “You obviously adore Rahee so much, and you were so good with Taeoh last month in Oh My Baby. Are these special cases or do you just love kids in general?”

“I love kids. Sometimes, I dream about one day having 3 kids and 3 dogs and a house that’s just always full of noise,” Jongin admits, laughing at himself. Kyungsoo gives a reserved chuckle, but something about it doesn’t sound quite right to the younger. “What about you? Do you want kids someday?”

The elder looks at him for a long quiet moment before grabbing his sake glass. “I would love to be a father, if that’d be a possibility one day,” he says calmly before taking a long drag of the alcohol.

It takes a beat longer than it should for Jongin to realize his blunder. He fumbles over his words trying to figure out what’s the most appropriate thing to say and can only come up with, “I’m… I’m an idiot.”

“No you’re not.” Kyungsoo covers his hand with his affectionately, the warmth soothing the younger a bit. After a quiet few seconds of rubbing small circles on the boy’s palm, the singer clears his throat and says, “Actually, you kinda are. I mean who asks someone how many kids they want on a first date?” He winks and gives a winsome smile.

Jongin cracks up laughing, thankful that the other cleared the awkward atmosphere and wiped away any somber notes in the air. He takes the opening to change topics and plays right along, “Sorry, let me ask something more appropriate for a first date: what’s the last book you really enjoyed reading?”

The conversation flows naturally from there, as it usually does between them, like they’re composing their own sweet song with low whispers, high pitched noises of surprise, and alto chuckles. When the check comes, they both reach for it. Jongin tuts and knocks Kyungsoo’s hand away. “I’m paying.”

“What? No, I’m your hyung. I’m paying.”

“No, I asked you out, so I get to pay this time,” the dancer says confidently.

“This time…” The words roll off the singer’s tongue fondly, like he catches Jongin’s hidden promise in them for a next time. “Okay.”

It’s already 3am when they’re back in the hotel suite. There’s only two bedrooms and somehow they had ended up assigned to different ones. As Kyungsoo passes Jongin’s door, he turns to say goodnight only to be surprised that the younger is still walking. “Where are you going?” he asks.

“What, you think I’m not a gentleman? I’m walking you to your door, of course” the dancer says, trying to keep a totally straight face as he laces his fingers with Kyungsoo’s and tugs him to the elder’s bedroom door.

He half-expected the singer to laugh and swat at him for being so cheesy, but Kyungsoo just looks at him with the most adoring eyes and a small smile he’s clearly trying to suppress. It’s dim in the room, only moonlight filtering in through the gauzy curtains, but Jongin can just detect the blush on his cheeks along with the slight crinkles at the edges of his eyes. He’s learned how to read the older by now, and knows these are signs to keep doing whatever he’s doing. So he keeps up the script, even if he drops the joking tone for a serious one, heavy with his sincere feelings.

“I had a really great time with you tonight.”

“Me too.”

“I hope we can do it again sometime.”

“Yeah, I’d really like that.” Kyungsoo is playing along perfectly, but it’s clear that neither of them are actually playing as they both have been closing the distance between them while talking. Their lips meet in a tender, closed-mouth kiss. It’s meant to be that chaste, first-date kiss, but they both linger longer than they probably should, enjoying the feeling of the other’s breath wafting over their faces and pressing harder against each other. After ten seconds of holding the kiss (and holding back), Jongin can’t take it anymore and dives his tongue into the seam of the older’s lips. Kyungsoo tastes slightly like sweet peaches from the sake he’d had earlier, and Jongin feels like he might be getting drunk off it second-hand (or maybe just off of Kyungsoo) when the singer gently pulls back. “We should get to bed before Jongdae starts sleepwalking,” he says quietly, gently bringing them both back down to reality of where they are, standing pretty vulnerably in the suite’s living room.

“Yeah,” Jongin agrees, stepping back and uncurling his fingers from the back of the singer’s shirt. ( _‘When they get wrapped in there?’_ he wonders, not realizing until just now how he’d practically been untucking the shirt from the older’s slacks.) Jokes about not putting out on the first date die before they reach his lips, a chorus of inner voices screaming at him to stop before he _‘ruins the moment!’_

“Goodnight,” the shorter boy says, nuzzling Jongin’s jaw briefly before opening his door.

“Night, Soo.”

\----------------------------------------

Another winter mini-album is in the books. The “Sing For You” promotions felt short and sweet, thank goodness, because there’s not really been a break in the concert tours and they’re having to get ready for the year-end shows. Luckily, there aren’t that many special stages they have to put together now that they’re cemented as the top group. Kyungsoo is a little affronted that they’re basically phoning it in this year compared to previous years, but at the same time, he’s flat exhausted. Plus, he’s still filming _Hyung_ , so it’s not like he’s got a lot of extra time to work on special one-time use choreographies. He’s thankful Jongin and Sehun are going to carry the team there with their “Lightsaber” number.

They’re attending the Gayo Daejun tonight. In the van ride over, Kyungsoo is in a very good mood. He’s looking forward to the show and watching other groups perform. He does love good music, (it is why he became an idol, after all), and he hasn’t had much time to keep up with the other hit songs of this year given his other activities. Plus, Kyungsoo feels comfortable in his wardrobe for once: he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face when the stylist showed him his all black and grey attire. Jongin’s dressed impeccably as always in his suit, and the elder can’t help but admire his beautiful glow. The singer rubs his fingers gently against the nape of the tanned boy’s neck as they pull up to the event. Jongin looks over at him and gives him one of his blinding, movie star smiles.

The younger knocks his knee and thigh into Kyungsoo’s. “You look exceptionally handsome tonight,” he says.

“It’s the clothes. The coordi-noona finally gave in and put me in colors that suit me,” Kyungsoo jokes to try and avoid blushing, though he feels the tips of his ears heating up anyway.

“It’s _not_ the clothes,” Jongin is quick to correct him. He leans down to whisper in his ear. “It’s the smile. Your smile is devastatingly beautiful. It’s my second favorite expression of yours.”

The older squirms, uncomfortably shy with so much adoration pouring from the other, even if the younger has loosened up considerably in the past few weeks and dropped endearments more readily. “Second favorite? What’s your first then?” he says to fill the silence.

Jongin raises one eyebrow in a cocky, suggestive manner. “Oh, I think you know.” The heavy gaze makes Kyungsoo feel like he’s going to burst into flames from all the pent up desire he feels raging inside his belly.

He feels like he can’t look away, even as their faces have both started gravitating towards each other slowly. Eyes locked on each other, both chests starting to rise and fall in sync, their noses are almost close enough to touch when…

“OH LOOK WE’RE HERE!” shrieks Chanyeol in excitement, practically lunging over the back of their seat to get a better look at the red carpet.

His interruption breaks the two out of their own little world, and Kyungsoo smoothly backs his face away while bringing up a hand to grab Jongin’s face, gently pinching it. “Cheeky,” he says to the dancer. “We can… talk more about this later. And maybe you can try to draw out your favorite face of mine then,” he ends with a hint of a challenge in his tone and a dangerous glint in his eye. He turns to step out of the van after an exuberant Chanyeol who’s already waving to the cameras, taking a deep breath to settle his arousal down and focus on projecting a professional demeanor to the paparazzi. But he can’t resist bending over a little further than necessary to duck out of the car, pretending to fix the buttons on his blazer for a bit, to leave his pert ass in his form-fitting suit pants on full display to the younger boy behind him.

Kyungsoo vaguely hears Jongin growl, just barely loud enough for him to hear over the clicking cameras and the general chaos. After a quick smile and wave for the press, the dancer leans in to say, “You’re a fucking tease. I love it.”

The singer bites his tongue as he grins wider for the cameras, his genuine smile blossoming because it can’t be contained.

EXO makes their way over to the 360 degree camera, which requires them to all crowd on a small circular platform. Jongin quickly steps into the middle and pulls Kyungsoo up right in front of him. All the members are nestled together because this platform is definitely not designed for groups of their size, but as Kyungsoo feels the dancer’s arms tug around his waist to hold him on the pedestal, he feels a prominent bulge press against his backside. This causes another real smile from the elder as the camera rotates around them. When the members all move to slide further down the red carpet, Jongin keeps his hold on him, still pulling him flush against the taller’s lithe body.

“We’re off the pedestal, _Kai,_ ” Kyungsoo teases. “No need to hang on to me now – I won’t tip over.”

“Excuse me, _D.O,_ ” the boy fires back. “Your alter ego riled me up. It’s all your fault,” he says with no venom in his voice.

Kyungsoo chuckles and allows the younger to use him as a human shield for his boner so that the cameras don’t get an eyeful. All in all, this pretty easily passes for typical group member skinship. Plus, he can’t deny that he enjoys feeling the evidence of how he’s affected Jongin dig into his suit. Still, with how close the dancer is pressing into him…

“You might want to leave a little more space if you want to _fix_ your current situation, Kai-ssi,” he suggests lightly.

“Truly fixing it is going to require a trip to the bathroom. I figure I might as well enjoy my time getting blinded by all these white lights in the meantime.”

"Oh is that so?” Kyungsoo takes a moment to steady his expression before purposefully grinding back into Jongin’s hips, looking down and pretending he just needed to shuffle his feet backward to dodge an imaginary obstacle on the ground.

The whimper he hears fall out of the boy’s mouth behind him is so satisfying, the singer almost wants to do it again, but he figures he shouldn’t press his luck lest Jongin completely lose control of his signature Kai smirk and give a real sex face.

They’re being ushered off the red carpet and into the arena anyway. Play time will have to wait for later.

.

.

.

The show is finally over, and they’re in the van heading home. In the quiet darkness, some members are already sleeping. Kyungsoo tangles his fingers with Jongin’s, sneakily holding hands between them on the bench they sit on. He leans on the taller’s shoulder, half-faking that he’s falling asleep as an outward excuse to enjoy the boy’s warmth and rhythmic breathing. They pull into their garage, and the members pile out. Suddenly, Kyungsoo feels a tug at his hand. It’s only then that he realizes that a junior manager has been driving them home. He’s looking at his phone as he quietly instructs them: “Kyungsoo and Jongin – get back in the van.”

He’s so tired and now highly annoyed. Kyungsoo sighs and climbs back in, but Jongin hesitates, giving the manager an enigmatic look.

“What? Why?” The younger asks, and the older thinks he detects some fear in his voice.

“I just got a text from Jaehyuk. He needs me to take you to SM headquarters. Right away.”

\---------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * Kyungsoo started [filming Hyung](http://asianwiki.com/Brother_%28Korean_Movie%29) on 10.19
>   * Here’s where they got [snuggly during the ment at the Tokyo concert](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZEdtPG6Iyc) – I love how Soo pats NIni’s hand when he encompasses him
>   * Important info: [S Korea does not allow joint adoption by same-sex couples](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_South_Korea#Summary_table). If you didn't already know that, go back and re-read their first date conversation over dinner and it'll make more sense T_T
>   * And finally, here’s the [inspiration for the whole Gayo Daejun interaction](http://uhd.img.topstarnews.net/wys3/file_attach/2015/12/29/1451372703-17.jpg) I wrote at the end
> 

> 
> (PS I have no idea why I put Sehun and Luna together in this ch, just go with it.)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed their interactions in this chapter! (It ended up being 5.5K words bc happy Kaisoo just drips off my fingertips, apparently.) Let me know if you have a favorite Kaisoo scene out of the ones I’ve written; I’m curious which ones go over well and which ones are more meh so I can hone my writing. *The first date scene I wrote this evening when I realized all I had put there was “write a cute first date scene.” Eek – hope it turned out okay.
> 
> Fair warning, we’re entering 2016 in the next chapter… Comments and upvotes are loved. <333


	21. It's Still a Dark Night

The whole ride over to the SM building is pure torture for Jongin. His mind is racing, trying to consider what else might be so pressing at this hour that they both need to go in. A promotional event? Individual activities? No, that doesn’t make sense that they’d need to talk about it in the middle of the night. _‘There’s nothing else. It’s gotta be about us.’_ He frets over what blew their cover. Was it that one afternoon in their dorm room? Maybe someone saw them on their date in Tokyo at the restaurant, or kissing in the hotel suite? The one time he’d followed Kyungsoo into the bathroom backstage during “Sing For You” promotions to make-out in a stall for a few minutes?

He’d been so careful, but it seems like it was all for naught as his anxiety now starts to consume him. Because he can’t be positive what exactly they’re being called in for, Jongin’s not sure what he should tell Kyungsoo. He’d never told him about Jaehyuk’s confrontation after their amazing night in the practice room; for some reason, Jongin feels ashamed that such a special moment of theirs had been intruded upon, and he feels at fault for it. _‘Should I tell him now?_ ’ he wonders. Maybe they need to get their stories straight here, ahead of time, but the junior manager’s sitting 3 feet away in the van, and they’ve got approximately 2 minutes before they’re going to arrive. Hopeless, he feels that all he can do at this point is pray for the best and make sure not to volunteer or confirm anything when first confronted.

Beside him, Kyungsoo seems annoyed but not distressed. He’s slumped down against the seat with a grumpy scowl on his face. When Kyungsoo glances over at him, he senses his stress and starts gently massaging Jongin's neck. “Hey, you okay?” he asks.

Jongin looks down at him, not knowing what to say. The fear in his eyes is apparently saying it all, though, as Kyungsoo straightens up in reaction. When Jongin opens his mouth, a small whimper is all that slips out. Kyungsoo looks 100% awake now, brow furrowing as he seems to comprehend the boy’s worries about their current predicament. His deep brown irises are swirling with what seems to be rapid thinking to formulate a plan. When he speaks, it’s in a low, reassuring tone. “Don’t worry. Just try to stay calm. Whatever happens, I’ll take care of it.”

Their time is up, as they’re already pulling up at their destination. The junior manager drops them off at the back entrance. “Go to the office on the top floor. Jaehyuk’s already in there with the Vice President – they’re waiting for you.”

Jongin is having trouble making his feet comply with the instructions. Every fiber of his being is screaming _‘run,’_ which he is able to fight off only by remaining immobile. Kyungsoo starts to go into the building, but realizes Jongin is frozen on the sidewalk and turns back. “Come on, we’ll get through this together,” he says, standing side by side with him. He starts to put his hand on Jongin’s back to escort him forward, but thinks better of it given that they’re out in the open.

Jongin still hasn’t moved; he’s staring at the building like it’s going to swallow him alive. _‘Dammit, why am I such a coward?’_ Looking down at Kyungsoo next to him, he feels a huge pang of guilt. _‘I can’t believe I’ve messed this up, I’ve probably ruined his career, I’ve let him down…’_

Kyungsoo seems to realize that the younger’s not any closer to moving. “We’ve got to get in there. It’s okay if you’re not ready. Just… follow my lead.” And with that, he confidently strides into the building, hand clamped around Jongin’s wrist and tugging him to follow behind.

They get up to the office, and Kyungsoo knocks twice. “Play tired,” he instructs a moment before the door swings open. Jongin tries to calm his rapidly beating heart and do as suggested, rubbing his eyes a bit to help him get in character.

They enter the room and bow respectfully. The Vice President sits behind his desk, which is clean except for one manila folder in the middle of it. Three chairs face the Vice President. Jaehyuk sits in the far left one while motioning for Kyungsoo and Jongin to take the other two. The older boy seats himself in the middle and Jongin sits in the far right chair, leaning slightly to exude the air of tiredness without crossing the line to disrespectful slumping.

“We’ve got a big problem. Do you know how many news outlets have been calling me this evening?” booms the VP.

Kyungsoo speaks quickly to keep the man’s attention focused on him. “I’m so sorry to hear that, VP-nim. What seems to be the trouble?” Meanwhile, Jongin’s attempting to twist his face from the terror he’s feeling into thoughtful confusion.

“You. YOU TWO, are the trouble,” the VP bellows back.

Kyungsoo still doesn’t seem shaken, just bowing his head politely in deference to his superior. “I’m afraid I’m not quite understanding, sir. What is it that I did?” Jongin appreciates that Kyungsoo hasn’t given anything away yet, as he’s pretty sure he would have already cracked. Jongin finds it easier to keep his eyes trained on his beautiful counterpart than the VP. The singer’s serious and suave demeanor is mesmerizing. If Jongin wasn’t so terrified right now, he’d be turned on.

Jaehyuk sighs and speaks up. “There’s a bunch of pictures of you two that the media are trying to post tonight.”

As Jongin freaks out internally, Kyungsoo simply says with an unreal amount of poise, “We always have lots of pictures out after an award ceremony. Can you show me what the issue is?”

“HERE. THESE. These are the issue,” the VP slaps open the manila folder to reveal several high quality photos inside.

While Jongin holds his breath, expecting the worst, Kyungsoo leans forward calmly and shuffles through them. They’re just pictures from tonight with the smaller standing in front of the taller, Jongin’s hands clutching his waist on both sides. All in all, actually, it’s not so bad. Kyungsoo says as much. “I don’t get it. We’re idols – we’re expected to look like we’re close in all our photo ops and put arms around each other.”

“One on one at concerts where it’s clearly just fanservice, yes. In large groups on a red carpet, sure. But NOT like this, where you’re possessively grabbing at each other like a couple. And according to the people calling me, they have plenty of pictures from past events where it’s just you two, always around each other, staring or touching each other. Don’t you realize there’s been a rumor out about a gay couple in an idol group? They’re threatening to release all of these as suggestive ‘evidence’ that netizens will surely look upon suspiciously, unless we pay them off,” rants the VP.

“Do we really have to worry about paying them off or responding to the rumors?” Kyungsoo asks, nonplussed. “After all, according to them, I’m also dating Sojin from Girl’s Day.”

Jongin’s eyes jerk away from the pictures to land on the male next to him, taking in his cold and dismissive attitude toward the VP. He can’t help but look at Kyungsoo like he’s sprouted four heads. _‘Has he lost his damn mind??’_

Jaehyuk intercedes, “Sir, they’re just very close friends. They have been for many years. I’ve been their manager since the beginning. If there was more to it, I’d know.” His gaze flickers ever so quickly over at Jongin with an unmistakably cold glare.

Something in the manager’s eyes causes Jongin to speak up. “Yes, sir. Just friends.”

“Well quit being so damn friendly that it makes people think there might be more to it! Think of what it could do to our stocks! I don’t want to see you two within 10 feet of each other at events from now on, until I say it’s okay, you got it? And NO public appearances with just you two, NO CF photos with you standing next to each other, just NOTHING. Are we clear??” The VP takes a moment to collect himself and looks back and forth between the two boys, Jongin looking somewhat submissive and apologetic while Kyungsoo’s posture seems more challenging and angry. “You’re dismissed. Go wait out in the hallway until I’m done talking with Jaehyuk; he’ll take you home.”

The two rise from the chairs and bow stiffly as they leave the office. On autopilot, Jongin follows Kyungsoo as he heads to the elevator lobby and sinks down on the floor, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. He mimics the position, sitting down next to his hyung. It’s quiet for a minute.

Jongin speaks first. “Thank you for handling the talking.”

Kyungsoo just hums lowly in response. Jongin feels all of his guilt bubbling up again; if he’d only listened, so many months ago, to all the reasons why they should be careful…

“Go ahead, say it,” he says softly.

“Say what?”

“’I told you so.’”

Kyungsoo opens his eyes and turns to face him as the words sink in. “…do you really think I care about that?”

“…no. It’d just be a great distraction and easier for me to cope with this if you actually were petty like that,” Jongin tries half-heartedly for a touch of humor. _‘Then I could be mad at you, rather than at myself…’_

It’s not actually funny at all, but Kyungsoo forces a tight-lipped smile as he sighs, his body now showing signs of just how exhausted he is. “So what do we do now?” he says aloud, but it doesn’t necessarily seem directed at Jongin. No one answers the question; it just hangs in the air for awhile. “I’m about to be crazy busy with promotions for _Pure Love_.”

“It’s the gift that just keeps on giving,” Jongin says, trying to keep the light tone of the conversation lest he start bawling over how dim their future is looking right now. “Well, you suck at…” he gestures between them, “this when you’re working away from EXO.”

“And you suck at waiting,” Kyungsoo replies. Their eyes lock, and Jongin knows they’re both being flippant while speaking hard truths, and the emotions are about to come crashing down over both of them. Tears are filling those wide, gorgeous eyes that he adores so much, and he wants to wipe them away… kiss them away…

 

But before he can do anything, Jaehyuk comes out of the office, all but slamming the door behind him. He rushes over to the boys who are hastily rising to their feet, and grabs Jongin by the collar. “What the fuck were you thinking??”

Jongin takes in a sharp breath as he looks into his manager’s eyes, which are narrowed with hot rage, and freezes in fear.

Kyungsoo grabs Jaehyuk by the wrist and tugs him off of Jongin’s shirt. “It’s not his fault.”

“The fuck it isn’t! I warned you months ago, damn it…” the manager is raising his arms to shove Jongin by the shoulders into the wall when Kyungsoo steps between them, putting a hand on Jaehyuk’s chest and harshly shoving him backwards instead.

“Keep your fucking hands to yourself,” he growls, giving him a murderous look from under his angry brows.

“No! And you’re next!” Jaehyuk fires at him. They’re standing just inches from each other, glaring eye to eye, and though Kyungsoo is shorter by a few centimeters, he looks formidable with his shoulders squared and his jaw locked. His fierce posture causes the manager to pause.

“Not next – NOW,” Kyungsoo barks. “We’ll talk right now. Jongin, go down to the van.” Kyungsoo punches the elevator call button behind him without ever looking away from Jaehyuk, and the doors ding open. Jongin hesitates for a moment, watching their standoff as Kyungsoo and the manager stare each other down. Realizing that he hasn’t yet moved, Kyungsoo turns his head to look him directly in the eye before repeating firmly: “Jongin, **GO**.”

His eyes and voice are so full of authority that Jongin complies without questioning him, though he does send Kyungsoo a concerned look as he hurries into the elevator and the doors close.

\---------------------------------------

“What do you mean, you warned him months ago?” is the first question he asks once the elevator car is gone. Kyungsoo purposefully drops his tone lower, trying to get control of the conversation and move it away from the shouting the two were just engaged in.

It seems to work, as Jaehyuk backs down a step, running his fingers through his hair and looking away from Kyungsoo’s piercing gaze. “We can’t talk here. Come on,” he says, directing them to a nearby office and closing the door behind them. The room is empty aside from two chairs and a desk. Neither of them sit, though, opting to stand in the few square feet of open space by the door instead.

“I told Jongin that I saw you two, you know, having... when you were in the practice room late at night. He apparently didn’t mention this to you?”

Kyungsoo slowly shakes his head, mind racing. He stays on the offensive with more questions so that he doesn’t lose his momentum. “When did you talk to him about this and what did you say?”

“A few days after it happened. I asked him who knew and he claimed it was just us, so I told him we better keep it that way. I _thought_ that had done the trick. I haven’t noticed any other… funny business between you guys.”

Jongin hanging out with other members on the random trip out of town. The reluctance to interact during the day. Suddenly, all of the distance Jongin had kept before their date in Tokyo made sense. Only… why didn’t the younger boy tell him about it? While he’s considering these things, Jaehyuk takes Kyungsoo’s silence as an invitation to keep talking and retakes control of the conversation.

“I know you’ve got all these raging hormones and crap, but shit, keep it at bay. And I don’t know about you, but I know for a fact Jongin likes girls – he was a notorious flirt in his early trainee days and we were constantly having to ward off the girl trainees. So whatever indulgent _experimentation_ is going on needs to **stop**. Just back off already.”

He can’t help but get furious on Jongin’s behalf here. “Isn’t it up to Jongin to decide who he wants to be with?”

“Maybe, but should it be? That kid can’t think about consequences further out than 2 hours ahead of time.”

“You’re not giving him enough credit. He knows—"

“He knows WHAT, exactly?” Jaehyuk sneers, raising his voice again. “You really think he’s considered how this might affect his career? Your career? Hell, get over yourselves: what about the rest of the members? And me? You think if this gets out that you two are the only ones who’ll be affected? ‘EXO and staff hide members’ gay activities for years’ – that’s what the headlines will read, and we’ll ALL be finished! I expected more from you, Kyungsoo. Does **everyone** deserve to go down just because **you** can’t keep your dick in your pants?!”

The reality is that even Kyungsoo hadn’t thought about the other members having their lives ruined if he and Jongin were outed. The overwhelming responsibility of potentially hurting all the friends he holds dear, along with Jaehyuk’s disparaging, homophobic remarks that reduce their relationship down to nothing but depraved lust, triggers a deep tidal wave of self-loathing and pure pain. It drowns him, and he breaks.

“But I **LOVE** HIM!” he chokes out with a wail. And he can’t help the flood of tears that rush out. Kyungsoo collapses to his knees, face in his hands, sobbing. _‘This isn’t how it’s supposed to be… this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen…’_ It’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud and here is not the place to do it: in an empty office, vulnerable and in front of a someone who could never understand, weeping in sorrow. It should have been whispered tenderly while looking deep into the gorgeous dancer’s mocha eyes. It should have signified the _beginning_ of something even more amazing with Jongin than what he’s already had… not potentially the end of what’s been the best 2 years of his life.

For a minute, there’s no sound or movement in the room apart from the cries wracking through his chest. Suddenly, he feels Jaehyuk’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry… I… I didn’t realize.” His voice is surprisingly gentle, not disgusted. “In all these years, I’ve never seen you cry like this. I believe you, I’m sorry for saying… for treating it like something else.”

He peers up from his hands and sees Jaehyuk has crouched down to be on his level. Looking at the manager with his red eyes and blinking through his tears, he rasps out, “What am I going to do.”

Jaehyuk sighs and gives him a concerned look. “I can take back all the… degrading comments I made earlier, but the heart of what I’m saying doesn’t change, Kyungsoo. Do you really think you’ve both thought this through and are you really okay with the consequences?”

The talks he’s had with Jongin flash through his mind: his uncertainty about telling his sisters and parents, his fears about members suddenly knowing about their relationship, his dream to _‘have 3 kids and 3 dogs and a house full of noise’_ one day… That last memory, with the bright joy on Jongin’s face as he wistfully described being a dad to a big family, hurts the most. Kyungsoo knows no matter how much he wants to that he can't give Jongin that; the younger boy could never fulfill that dream with him. With someone else, with a girl… sure. And with that thought, any last resolve he has to cling onto the dancer with the sun-kissed skin and blinding smiles, to selfishly keep him for himself… gives way.

Completely broken, Kyungsoo whispers, “No. I’m not okay with the consequences.” Silence encompasses them as the gravity of his words sink in. He’s stopped audibly crying now, soundless tears dripping down and off his face at a much slower rate.

“Alright,” Jaehyuk says quietly. “Let me know how I can help. I talked to the VP about how those restrictions he was mentioning were too rigid, that they’d spark suspicion if you two suddenly were so cold toward each other, so –"

“I need restrictions,” Kyungsoo softly interrupts. He hears his voice speaking but feels so dead inside that it comes out flat and emotionless, like he’s creating a mundane list of to do items. “Don’t soften them except for maybe at concerts so the fans don’t notice too much. I’ll need space… my own room. I’m going to be doing lots of individual activities to promote _Pure Love_ anyway. We’ll say it’s because of my schedule being so different from everyone else’s.”

“Okay, I can arrange that.”

The quiet is thick, with neither of them speaking for a few minutes. Jaehyuk squeezes his shoulder and before asking, “What are you going to tell Jongin?”

“I don’t know yet. Whatever I have to.”

\---------------------------------

After half an hour passes, Jongin is ready to abandon the van in the garage and go back up to the top floor. He’s half worried the two guys actually came to blows, but pushes it out of his mind. _‘Soo’s too smart for that, he’ll figure out a way to talk to him…’_ Then again, Jongin had never seen Kyungsoo so physical with someone before. He smiles thinking about how protective Kyungsoo had been of him, and recounts how unwavering and brave he’d been in the room with the VP while Jongin felt like he was going to pass out. Pride and affection bloom in his heart. _‘Hyung will think of something. I just need to trust him and listen to him this time, rather than run away.’_

While he’s lost in his thoughts, the van doors open. Jaehyuk climbs into the driver’s seat without a word to him, though he does glance in the rear view mirror to watch as Kyungsoo enters the back and sits down next to him. Jongin swallows – all three of them, the only ones who share this monumental secret, alone in a dark deserted parking garage. He knows it might be a stupid move, but he doesn’t really care if it pisses off Jaehyuk at the moment; he can finally be himself. So he puts his hand on Kyungsoo’s thigh and stares at him fondly. “Soo, are you okay?”

Kyungsoo bites the inside of his cheek and seems to consider the question carefully before turning to answer him. “Yeah, just… I’m really tired. Let’s just talk about it later, okay?” He stares up at Jongin for a long moment like he’s trying to decide something. Eventually, Kyungsoo cradles his face with both hands and pulls him into a slow burning, heart-stopping kiss. Kyungsoo’s plush lips press and tug at Jongin’s in all the right ways, sucking the younger’s lower lip into his mouth and then releasing it to tongue gently into the other’s cavern. It’s emotional, not lustful, and goes on far longer than it probably should given that Jaehyuk’s right there in the front seat. When Kyungsoo finally releases his mouth, Jongin looks down to see that Soo still has his eyes closed as he slowly pulls away and turns back forward.

Only then does Jaehyuk clear his throat. “Okay knock it off. You heard the VP – no close contact from here on out until he gives the green light. I’m planning to enforce it at the dorm, too, so you two don’t get confused whether you’re in public or not, got it?” The manager’s tone is clearly intending to be annoyed, but it sounds somewhat unconvincing to Jongin, given how angry he had been just after the meeting.

 _‘Kyungsoo probably sweet talked him into letting us at least have until tomorrow,’_ Jongin grins to himself. In his own little act of rebellion, he nuzzles into his hyung’s hair and enjoys feeling him sigh and lean into the touch. He entwines his fingers with Kyungsoo's by his side and sees Jaehyuk’s eyes flicker back for a moment, but the manager just keeps driving in silence.

When they reach the dorm, it’s after 2am and everyone is sleeping. Jaehyuk looks like he’s going to fall asleep standing up and doesn’t say anything more to them as they part ways to their rooms. Once they’re inside their bedroom with the door closed, Jongin wraps his arms around Kyungsoo and pulls him into a tight hug. There’s so much he wants to say, wants to thank him for, for today, but no words are coming to mind, so he leans down and mouths along Kyungsoo’s jaw instead. At first, he seems to reciprocate, digging his fingers into Jongin's back and lifting his chin to expose his neck to him. But after a moment, Kyungsoo stops him, hands carding through Jongin's hair before pulling back gently. “I’m really tired,” he whispers, and he sounds totally drained.

It’s the first time Kyungsoo's ever out right rejected his advances, but Jongin knows it’s been an exhausting evening and nods in understanding. “Okay, Soo,” he says, kissing his forehead.

They change into pajamas and Kyungsoo climbs into bed. Jongin slides into the Kyungsoo’s bed behind him, molding his body around the smaller. He feels him sigh and lightly whine, “Jongin…”

“I know, you’re tired. I just want to hold you until you fall asleep. Is that okay?”

Kyungsoo rolls over to look at him in the pale light of the half moon that’s outside, his face wearing an unreadable expression. Up close, nose to nose, Jongin pleads a little. “I promise I won’t fall asleep so Chanyeol won’t catch us. I just… don’t know how strict Jaehyuk’s going to be after tomorrow and I want to be close to you just a little longer,” he coos.

Kyungsoo holds his gaze a moment longer, gulping before nuzzling against Jongin's nose and then rolling back the other way. “Okay,” he says, nodding. He curls into Jongin's warmth and grips his hand to hold it tightly to his chest. “Stay a little longer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t touch me, I’m so emo right now.
> 
> References:
> 
>   * Here are the pics from [Gayo Daejun](https://68.media.tumblr.com/b0ce6a6b42add72d3d329b31e664245e/tumblr_o03f2o2bmJ1qcqgoto3_540.jpg), which several [different media](https://40.media.tumblr.com/69fe807f08be7def967860e60be35f61/tumblr_o05r3y2iwp1rkma1so1_500.jpg) sites [did post](http://dimg.donga.com/wps/SPORTS/IMAGE/2015/12/28/75597023.1.jpg)
>   * Kyungsoo’s interview later on for _Pure Love_ promotions where he says he [rooms alone](http://onehallyu.com/topic/280862-do-kyungsoo-on-being-exos-do-actor-doh-and-himself/) bc he doesn’t like disturbing others/bc of his schedule
>   * Chapter title shamelessly stolen from the fantastic [EXO cover on Immortal Songs 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBqQRem2MP0); Soo delivered an incredible performance that night. The [lyrics](http://lyricstranslate.com/en/%EC%95%84%EC%A7%81%EB%8F%84-%EC%96%B4%EB%91%90%EC%9A%B4-%EB%B0%A4%EC%9D%B8%EA%B0%80%EB%B4%90-its-still-dark-night.html) are very fitting, too. Sobs.
> 

> 
> I wanted to fit more into this chapter, but I’m a bit of an emotional wreck and it’s already 4K+ words, so here you have it. Did a particular part get to you? Join me in the comments if you need to cry.


	22. The Tempest Rages

(immediately following Ch 21)

When Jongin wakes up the next morning, he sees that it’s almost noon. He stretches and rolls to look over at Kyungsoo’s empty bed as he nestles back down into his comforter, but then his eyes flash back open. Kyungsoo’s bed isn’t just empty of the singer. It’s empty of everything: no sheets, no pillow, no mattress. He jolts up and scans the room. Kyungsoo’s under the bed storage boxes are gone. The closet has a huge void in it where dozens of black garments used to hang.

Fearing the worst, he rushes out to the main living area. There, he finds Jaehyuk and Chanyeol sitting at the table, drinking from mugs and conversing.

“Where’s Kyungsoo?” he blurts out, a little more panicky than he’d like to admit.

“Out. At the office practicing interviews for his _Pure Love_ promotional circuit that’s coming up,” Jaehyuk replies without looking up from his coffee.

The dancer breathes a small sigh of relief. “Okay, but where is all his stuff?”

Chanyeol shifts uncomfortably. “Apparently, we’re due for a new roommate situation. Do you still wanna bunk with me, or would you rather shake it up completely?”

“I don’t want to ‘shake it up’ at all,” he says irritably, turning to Jaehyuk. “We’ve been roommates for years. The three of us get along; we know each other’s habits and how to live peaceably. Let the others mix it up if they want to.”

Jaehyuk sighs and raises his eyes to meet Jongin’s. “That’s not going to work. Kyungsoo’s schedules for the next few months are going to be quite different from the rest of the group, so he’s going to be in his own room. You can either have Sehun move in with you two or switch around some more and room with Junmyeon and Jongdae or something.”

Jongin is fuming, but with Chanyeol sitting right there, he can’t exactly ask the questions he wants to. _‘Was this an order from above because of last night? What does Soo think of this?’_ Ultimately, he realizes from the look on Jaehyuk’s face that this is non-negotiable. He supposes Kyungsoo’s stuff having already disappeared indicates it’s a done deal. “Whatever. Chanyeol can decide. I don’t care,” he says, sulking and going back to his room.

\---------------------------------

_Earlier that morning…_

 

Kyungsoo gets up at 6am like he’d agreed on with Jaehyuk. It’s before dawn, so there’s no noise in the dorm except for the two of them shuffling around to leave. They head down and get breakfast to go from a convenience store before retreating to the van to talk with ultimate privacy.

“Before we discuss upcoming plans, I just want you to know that I really am sorry for what I said last night,” Jaehyuk starts.

“I’ve heard worse,” Kyungsoo says, pausing to bite into his kimbap. “…though not really directed at me before,” he amends.

“I-I don’t have any experience with this, is all. I’ve never known someone who was…”

“Gay. I’m gay, hyung. And you’ve probably known someone who was but just didn’t realize it. But it’s okay. I understand what you’re saying. I forgive you. You helping me handle the situation will make up for it.”

The manager nods and clears his voice. “We’ll get you moved into your own room today. Might as well make the switch on a day with minimal schedules.”

“Thanks… I’d like to keep exceptionally busy, too. It’ll make it easier, for both of us I think.” He mumbles the last part under his breath before straightening up and resuming his no-nonsense approach. “I know I’ve got a lot going on with the movie, but is there anything else that’s come up as an opportunity? Something small I can tack on around our concert schedules?”

Jaehyuk hums thoughtfully. “I don’t think so. We had to turn down all the major projects because you won’t have enough time for them, and we’re not really considering the smaller roles lately, because you’re beyond that now. Let me check.” He scrolls through his phone, reviewing past emails and potential project dockets from the office staff. “There’s this one web drama that wanted you to play the lead, but we’re turning them down today. It’d be a step backwards for you.”

“What kind of role?” Kyungsoo asks, still considering it. If it serves as a good distraction, he’ll take anything right now.

“Male hunk, helps female lead start a chocolate business. The script mostly called for you to look handsome in a suit and smile a lot to win over the female co-star.”

The singer grimaces. “Not exactly my scene,” he says dryly, and Jaehyuk looks like he wants to laugh but isn’t positive if it’s appropriate or not. He’s about to ask what else is available when an idea strikes him and he perks up. “Wait a minute. What about giving that one to Jongin?”

The manager’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Jongin? But he doesn’t act.”

“It doesn’t sound like that one really calls for much acting, though, and it’d be a great foot in the door for him if he wanted to do more. And handsome stud in a suit? That’s basically written for him. Can’t you just see him going all Kai in that role? He’d be perfect.” Kyungsoo’s heart swells with excitement for the other boy to get more individual opportunities to build his future prospects. He smiles, conjuring the image of the gorgeous dancer in a trimly fit suit, smirking at the camera.

When he comes out of his daydream and looks at Jaehyuk for confirmation, he sees the man wearing a somber look. It takes a moment for it to kick in – why they’re doing this. Why they’re down in the van, privately planning to make their schedules busier. Kyungsoo’s face falls and he distracts himself with eating his breakfast.

Jaehyuk continues to look at him with pitying eyes. “You really do love him, don’t you.”

Kyungsoo refuses to answer, but it doesn’t matter. It was clearly a rhetorical question. “Just… see if you can convince them to offer it to Jongin.”

“Okay,” he agrees quietly.

The singer continues with an air of determination. “And make sure you say yes to every press request for _Pure Love_ interviews. Radio, magazines, web shows, livestreams, whatever. I’ll show up.”

“I don’t want you to overwork yourself, though. That’s not healthy,” Jaehyuk says with concern laced in his voice. The singer ignores him. “You’re almost handling this… too professionally, Kyungsoo.”

At that, he snaps his eyes up and let’s his guard slip for a moment to reveal the pain underneath. “I have two choices: I can be professional and exhausted, or an emotional wreck and exhausted. Please, let me at least be productive.”

\----------------------------

Moving in with Jongdae and Junmyeon sucks. Not really, but Jongin’s not willing to give it a fair shake. The leader is surprisingly untidy, even worse than Chanyeol, and Jongdae’s not neat enough to balance it out like Kyungsoo would have.

Speaking of whom, the dancer has had virtually zero time with the older boy since the night of the Gayo Daejun almost a week ago. Jongin had anticipated not getting much one on one time, at least for a bit for things to cool off and get the VP off their backs, but Kyungsoo hasn’t been around at group gatherings either, always going from one _Pure Love_ interview to the next. The younger is getting mopey; he can’t help it. He can only rehearse his dancing so many times before his back starts giving him trouble again, and he can’t afford to get injured when they’re about to go back on the touring circuit soon.

Much to his surprise, he gets a call from a junior manager asking him if he wants to be in a web drama. At first, he figures they called the wrong member. No one’s ever requested him for an acting role, surely they meant Chanyeol or Baekhyun or… well anyone other than him. But no, there’s no mistake: the role is his if he wants it. Jongin can’t say yes fast enough. Heart racing, he texts the news to person who obviously needs to know first.

 **To Kyungsoo**  
Hyung, you’ll never believe this. I got an acting gig!  
It’s only a web drama, but still, they offered me the lead male role!  
Can you believe it??  
I’m so excited. Nervous, but excited!!

The minutes tick by without a response. _‘Be patient. He’s probably in the middle of a photoshoot or some magazine interview. He’ll text back when he can,’_ Jongin tries to placate himself.

After a few hours pass, his phone does buzz.

 **Kyungsoo**  
Congratulations!

Jongin has mixed feelings about the impersonal response, but looks on the bright side that at least the older boy did text back some kind words. Well, **a** kind word. He tries not to dwell on it.

A minute later, his phone pings with another text from Kyungsoo. There are no words this time, just a simple bouquet emoji. The younger boy grins stupidly wide to himself. He can imagine the delay was a result of Kyungsoo deliberating for a minute on whether or not to send that. (Emojis are totally not the elder’s style.) He pockets the phone and plans to ask his hyung for acting lessons once he gets home. He parks himself on the common room couch and watches various shows while waiting up.

Kyungsoo still isn’t home at 1am when he finally gives up and goes to bed.

\----------------------------------------

He knows he asked for it, but Kyungsoo is exhausted. He hasn’t eaten properly for almost two weeks now. This is partly due to his packed schedule and partly due to avoiding dinner with the members to not be too close to Jongin and risk getting them in trouble. Each night, he collapses in his own, lonely room for maybe 2-3 hours of sleep before waking back up to do it all over again.

EXO is in Singapore doing another concert, and Kyungsoo is having trouble staying in the moment. He’s so tired, he almost feels like he’s sleepwalking in parts of these performances today. While they’re singing Growl, his fuzzy brain registers how beautiful Jongin looks today. _‘You mean how beautiful he looks everyday. It’s been so long since you’ve been able to just stare at him, touch him…’_

Why were they even avoiding each other, any way? The rationale is lost on the drowsy singer right now, only frustration and longing swirling in his mind and making him dizzy. On autopilot, Kyungsoo starts singing the bridge as his feet draw him over to the object of his affection:

“Besides us, delete everyone from your mind, let’s love this way”

His hand slides against the smooth, tan skin of the dancer’s neck and down his chiseled chest before he even registers what he’s doing. Jongin’s responsive touch on his arm burns in the best way and suddenly zaps him out of his half-awake, half-dreaming state. _‘Shit. Well, maybe it wasn’t that obvious,’_ he hopes naively.

That hope is short-lived, as Minseok walks up to him and grazes Kyungsoo’s cheek with the back of his hand, offering a goofy smile. Junmyeon must have also been watching him on the concert screen because he repeats this action on an unsuspecting Jongdae. There’s nothing Kyungsoo can do except laugh it off and hope it’s forgotten as the concert goes on.

\-------------------------------------------

The moment the concert is over, Jongin is looking for his chance. On top of missing Kyungsoo like crazy for the past two weeks, he’s now incredibly sexually frustrated after the older gifted him with such an intimate touch on stage. When the singer excuses himself from the dressing room, announcing that he’s headed to the restroom, Jongin takes it as his cue to follow behind 10 seconds later. Thankfully, Jaehyuk’s not in the room to witness it, distracted with takedown of their stage and settling up with the on-site event coordinator.

Out in the hallway, the dancer eyes his target dragging his feet slowly toward the bathroom. Jongin spies an open door to a storage room and sneaks up on the older boy, pulling him sideways into the small room before Kyungsoo knows what’s happening.

The singer’s jaw drops and his eyes are wide with fright for a moment before relaxing a little on recognizing his captor. Jongin wastes no time pulling him close and kissing him deeply, taking advantage of Kyungsoo’s open mouth and sliding his tongue in to caress the boy’s immediately. Jongin pulls back just a little, looking down with a glint in his eye as he uses his height advantage to mock lecture the shorter boy in his arms. “You know, you can’t just touch me out there like that and expect me to behave afterwards,” he says mischieviously.

“I’m sorry!” Kyungsoo rasps out, and it doesn’t sound right to Jongin’s ears. The singer would normally be sarcastic with that response, given the context, but the tone sounds… contrite. Regretful. And scared.

Jongin rubs the boys back soothingly as he kisses his forehead and drags his lips along his hairline down to his ear to whisper, “Don’t be silly. You don’t need to apologize.” He starts to tongue at the sensitive spot along the singer’s neck and over to his Adam’s apple.

Kyungsoo’s chest is heaving, and the dancer can actually feel his heart hammering through the layers of clothes between them. “No, I do. It’s my fault. We’re not supposed to… we can’t…” The older is having more and more trouble finishing his thoughts as Jongin’s hands have been sliding further south. Despite Kyungsoo’s words suggesting he’s going to push him away, his fingers have curled into death grips on Jongin’s shirt and pulled him even closer. As Jongin does his best with his mouth and hands to tip the scales in Kyungsoo’s apparently torn mind, a familiar voice rings out in the hallway.

“KYUNGSOO! Where are you?” Jaehyuk’s call pierces through the air and causes both of them to freeze. The speaker is demanding, but sounds more worried than angry. When Jongin brings his head up to lock eyes with the one who was summoned, he sees the older has tears pooling. Slowly, Kyungsoo kisses his own fingertips before pressing them onto the middle of Jongin’s chest, right over his heart. Before the younger can react, Kyungsoo gently extends his arm, pushing the boy back a step as the older slides out the door and closes it behind him.

\--------------------------------

“The VP just called. He wants to video conference with us. Now.” Jaehyuk’s voice trembles a bit as he relays the information, sounding as scared as Kyungsoo feels.

The singer takes a deep breath and braces himself for what’s to come. They walk into an empty dressing room where Jaehyuk has an iPad set up, ready to FaceTime. The manager calls the VP, and they wait.

“Good evening, sir,” Jaehyuk greets the man once he’s on screen. Kyungsoo bows slightly in deference, standing just behind and to the right of Jaehyuk.

“Cut the crap. Kyungsoo, what the HELL was that on stage.”

The singer considers playing dumb regarding which incident, but figures this time, there’s no point in stalling. It would probably only make the VP angrier. “Fanservice, sir. I thought at concerts, we were still supposed to—“

“You know damn well there’s a difference between typical fanservice that gets a cheap, temporary yell from the audience and THIS which is already going viral!” the VP roars, holding up his phone to showcase a gif of Kyungsoo’s momentary weakness during Growl that’s already up on Tumblr and being reblogged continuously. _‘Damn. Fangirls are fast.’_

Kyungsoo holds his tongue, not sure what to say in response.

“Did I not make myself clear a few weeks ago?? Jaehyuk, are you not impressing upon them the IMPORTANCE of keeping their distance?”

“I’ve stressed it, sir, and they’ve been very dutiful about it. Kyungsoo even moved into his own room in the dorm to create natural distance. They honestly haven’t spent any time together since our talk, whether publicly or privately.”

The VP glares at the singer, unconvinced. “Yeah, I’m sure. Looks like their ‘friendship’ has really cooled off,” he spits out sarcastically.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or the fact that he just had to run out of broom closet he really wishes he was still in, but Kyungsoo is now recklessly enraged. He’s followed the rules about their public appearances to a T, and now it just feels like the VP is after him. He tries to keep his disdain from showing but can tell his actor’s face isn’t up to par right now.

“You know, I should have known it was you, not Jongin, who was the real problem. The way you bristled during our last meeting and did all the talking. Maybe I’ll just have to punish you for it… refuse all the acting opportunities that keep coming in for you,” the VP threatens, glaring at Kyungsoo.

He holds the boss’s gaze, unwavering. With more self-assurance and boldness than he knew he had in him, Kyungsoo coldly replies, “We both know you won’t do that. The roles are too high profile and lucrative. You love money too much.”

The VP leans back in his chair, absorbing the blow and chewing on his tongue. Clearly, he hadn’t been prepared for the singer to call his bluff. But Kyungsoo gets an eerie sense of foreboding when the man crosses his arms and leans back into the camera with a cruel smirk. “That’s true. It probably wouldn’t do to shoot myself in the foot and turn away such good, easy money that I can make off of you… But what’s this I hear about a web drama that Kai’s landed?”

Kyungsoo involuntarily stiffens and tries to prevent the worry lines from forming in his brow.

“Ah, that project could easily be scrapped, very little capital will come from it. We’ll just tell little Jongin that his test reads sucked and the company backed out as a result.”

The dancer’s exuberant texts flash before Kyungsoo’s eyes. Jongin is so excited, so proud, so hopeful about this chance. Losing it like that would crush him.

Jaehyuk speaks up with a light tone, trying to lessen the tension in the air. “Sir, you wouldn’t—“

“Oh I would. And Kyungsoo knows it. Mr. Triple Threat here is quite sharp – but don’t think you can outsmart me, you little shit.” The VP grits his teeth and stares the boy down, making it abundantly clear that he’s figured him out. Ignoring Jaehyuk entirely, the VP continues to press on his discovered chink in Kyungsoo’s armor. “I can easily erase him, make him totally irrelevant, block all the opportunities so he never even knows they exist, and he can waste away into obscurity once EXO’s finished, known for nothing more than being a great dancer ‘back in the day,’ thinking that’s all he was ever capable of, while he has to watch the rest of you go on to bigger and better—“

“STOP,” Kyungsoo breaks in. It’s obvious that the boss is willing to go so far as not to just thwart Jongin’s professional growth, but also to tear him down as a person and make him wallow in self-doubt – something trainers are exceptionally skilled at doing, and the VP has droves of them at his command. These aren’t empty threats: they’re Kyungsoo’s worst nightmare. He can’t bear the thought of Jongin being punished like this, just because he loves the younger boy. He feels like a curse, soiling everything good that could come into the younger's life, and he gives up. “What do you want,” he asks solemnly, all bravado gone.

“I want you to end whatever sick infatuation you have with this kid. I don’t want to hear about you being best friends behind the scenes, since that’s clearly not what _you’re_ after. Instead, I want to hear that he’s avoiding you and vice versa. Even on stage, you’re giving each other no more attention than you are with the others, because you’ve got NOTHING, not even friendship, going on behind the scenes. You got that??”

Kyungsoo nods slightly, eyes downcast on the floor.

“Good. Now get out of my sight.” The VP ends the video conference.

Defeated, the singer turns to go, but Jaehyuk grabs his arm, concerned. “Are you alright?” he ventures.

Kyungsoo shrugs. He isn’t sure if he’ll ever be alright. “Ending it was already inevitable; that was decided weeks ago. He just gave me the push to finish what I’ve been needing to do but avoiding in hopes...” He trails off. In hopes of what? The two of them just slowly losing interest due to a bit of distance? What kind of wishful thinking was that? “Find a way to let me have the dorm alone with Jongin tomorrow morning?” he requests. The manager gives him an affirming hum. Kyungsoo lifelessly pats the man on the shoulder as a mournful thank you, and with that, he slinks away down the corridor.

\-----------------------------------------

The next day, all the members are lazing around in the living area after breakfast. Jongin goes to take a shower and spends a fair amount of time getting dressed, since there’s nothing on his schedule for the day. When he emerges from the bathroom, it’s to an empty common room. Puzzled, the dancer calls out, “Guys? Where’d you all go?”

“They went out.” He whips is head toward that deep voice he knows so well. Kyungsoo is standing in the doorway between his individual room and the living room, leaning against the frame.

Jongin smiles but the older boy doesn’t raise his eyes to meet his. “Really? Are you telling me we have the whole place to ourselves?” he asks suggestively, quirking an eyebrow and leaning down to try to catch the singer’s gaze.

Kyungsoo ignores the remark completely as he pushes off the door frame and walks past the younger boy. Somehow in that tight hallway, the singer manages to squeeze by without making any contact with him as he goes to sit down on the couch. Jongin’s brow furrows in confusion: something isn’t right.

“We need to talk.” The words are said unceremoniously, and the pause Kyungsoo leaves afterward is only just long enough for them to sink in. “I thought a lot about what happened last night, and what’s going to happen in the coming months. Jongin, we can’t keep doing this. It’s too dangerous: for you, for me, hell for all of EXO. We… we can’t be together anymore.”

Jongin is dumbfounded. “Soo…”

“It’s better that we just make a clean break. I’ve got _Pure Love_ events almost every day that we’re not doing EXO’luxion for these next 2 months as it is.  We both know we’d end up fighting and hurting each other during that, anyway. I’d rather us end things now on a positive note than go through all that and be uncomfortable around each other like last time.”

The older boy is speaking so clinically, so matter-of-factly, that Jongin doesn’t feel like he’s talking to Kyungsoo.

“You don’t really believe that,” he tries. “We’re stronger now than we were last time. We’ve overcome so much—“

“Don’t fool yourself – we’ve never really resolved the work-related issues. We’ve just been able to side-step them for now,” Kyungsoo says dismissively.

Hurt and fear are starting to bubble up inside of Jongin. He reaches for denial as his first line of defense. _‘This can’t be happening.’_ “Why are you doing this? Did Jaehyuk put you up to this? Did he force you to—“

Kyungsoo finally looks up at him as he interrupts. “Jaehyuk didn’t force me do anything. This was my decision.”

Jongin stares deeply into the older boy’s eyes, searching them for any trace of deceit, but finds none. All he sees is honesty and… pain. Kyungsoo’s definitely hurting even if he’s the one running away this time. Sitting on the coffee table in front of the other, he reaches out and strokes the singer’s hair, noticing how the boy’s eyes falter and return down to the ground. “This isn’t you, hyung. What’s going on? Tell me what you’re actually feeling,” Jongin pleads, tears welling in his eyes.

Kyungsoo stands up, breaking the contact and not meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry, Jongin. I’m really sorry. I have to go.” And with no further explanation, he turns and exits the dorm, taking a piece of the dancer’s shattered heart with him.

\----------------------------------------

Kyungsoo stalks down the hallway, not even sure where he is going. He just knows he had to get out of the dorm before he lost it and gave in to the deep desire to pull the younger boy into his arms and never let go. He wipes the stray tears out of his eyes as he heads to the stairwell, but he isn’t walking fast enough. He hears Jongin call out for him right as he shuts the stairwell door.

 _‘SHIT.’_ Mindlessly, he starts climbing the stairs as fast as he can, attempting to escape all the heartache that’s trying to catch up to him. Curse his short legs, though, he hears Jongin in the stairwell a few seconds later, and the boy is clearly gaining on him. He bursts through the rooftop door and tries to get a grip on himself.

“Hyung… don’t run from me… let’s talk about this,” Jongin pants out behind him a moment later.

Kyungsoo walks to the balcony edge, looking out across the city skyline. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He should have known that trying to play the responsible card would never work in breaking up with Jongin. He’d just foolishly hoped it would so he wouldn’t have to resort to this… “Jongin, it’s over. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“No, I don’t accept this,” Jongin says impetuously.

 _‘Good, he’s getting angry – run with that.’_ Kyungsoo huffs like he’s running out of patience and turns his eyes to the sky, refusing to look at the younger’s pouting face. “That’s not exactly how break-ups work, kid. I’m not asking for your permission.”

“Kid?? Since when do you treat me like I’m a child?”

“Since you’ve decided to act like one. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised – you’ve just never had to go through this before on the receiving end, right?”

“Are you just _trying_ to make me angry now? Because it’s working!”

“You can feel however you want to feel, Jongin, but it’s over. I’m sorry. But it’s done.”

“Give me a real reason why. Not a ‘because something bad might happen’ reason: those hypotheticals have always been there, and that’s never changed your feelings towards me,” Jongin demands.

Kyungsoo steels himself and recalls the younger’s previous words to give him strength to push forward.  
_‘Don’t act like you’re worried about ME when it comes to this. You’re just worried about what it would do to your precious career!’_  
_‘It’d be easier to cope if you were that petty…’_  

“My feelings? You really want me to go there?” he challenges. “That’s rich, considering you’ve gone back and forth on yours. You want us together, not together, together. Well now, we’ve got management breathing down our necks, and I don’t think we should do this anymore. It isn’t a good idea.”

“Tell me you actually feel differently about me today than you did yesterday, on stage. And backstage.”

 _‘Of course I don’t,_ ’ Kyungsoo holds back, heart thrumming in his chest. _‘Fuck. You’ve got to end this for good. Don’t give him any hope.’_ He sighs to portray exasperation before letting out the decisive words. “Look, I’ve thought it over, and I’m done risking my career on daily basis while I wait around to see if this is going to pan out. I’ve decided it’s not worth it.”

The words appear to hit Jongin like a slap in the face. “Is it really not worth it to you?” he whispers.

The VP's cruel warnings reverberate in his mind. _‘Finish it.’_ “No, it’s not.” Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself together. ‘ _He deserves those next steps in his career. He deserves those 3 kids one day. Let him go. Lie.’_  The next words may be overkill, but Kyungsoo forces himself to say them so as not to take any chances. “I like you, Jongin. I do. But I like my job more.” Not trusting himself to last another minute without sobbing, he turns and goes through the door back into the stairwell.

 

This time, no one follows him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Chen, Kai, and Suho lived together for a while (<https://youtu.be/GvQozNSrqjM?t=4m39s>)
>   * I'm not linking them all here, but seriously, Soo did SO MANY interviews, photoshoots, showcases, etc for _Pure Love_ , it seemed crazy to me. Did anyone else feel like they promoted the hell out of that movie for 2 months? Not that I was complaining - it was great to wake up to new stuff almost every day but damn, it seemed relentless.
>   * The [neck touching during Growl](https://youtu.be/t8h4UHd651A?t=4m40s) at the Singapore concert – I die. I think Soo really does look so wistful/dazed here, as he does it, which fit nicely into the fic as him being exhausted while still longing for Nini and hence acting this way after all the warnings from Gayo Daejun. For a better view of Jongin: <https://youtu.be/3Tx54Is8geM?t=2m14s>
>   * [Kai in Choco Bank announced](https://www.dramafever.com/news/kai-takes-the-lead-role-in-web-drama-choco-bank/) publicly the day after the Singapore concert, which means they had been in talks beforehand, and that fits nicely with the VP still being able to use it as leverage since it wasn’t announced just yet (in the story, it happens after he gets reassurance from Soo that he’s going to follow the VP’s orders)
> 

> 
> So yeah. The angst, I’m sorry, the angst continues.
> 
> I wasn’t trying to draw out this break-up, but when I tried to write it as a shorter interaction, it felt too rushed and unworthy of what their relationship had become. Prayer circle for Kaisoo. (It ain’t over til you see the final chapter count listed instead of a ?) Comment or click the kudos button to make my day – love interacting with all you lovely readers.


	23. Moonless Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourself: Kaistal ahead.

(Immediately following Ch 22)

 

When the stairwell door bangs closed, the reverberating sound feels like a shot through the heart. Jongin drops to his knees on the cold concrete and stares, just stares, at the door for several minutes, as though concentrating on it hard enough can rewind time and bring Kyungsoo back to him. _‘He wouldn’t do this. He couldn’t…’_ his mind struggles to catch up to what has transpired over the past half hour. The dancer knew the older was clearly burdened by what they’d gone through after the Gayo Daejun, but he figured the signs of the singer pulling away had just been Kyungsoo being a careful boyfriend, trying to keep them out of the dangerous crosshairs of the managers and VP.

Now, he reflects, all the boy’s efforts to create distance must have actually been Kyungsoo being a careful **_employee_** , protecting his own ass and their collective careers _._ The cold realization has him gasping. So his worst fears are true after all – this relationship has meant more to him than it did to the older boy. _‘I like you, Jongin. I do.’_ Even if the beautiful singer’s words had stopped there, it would have been enough to cut him to the core. Kyungsoo _likes_ him. Similar to how one feels about a favorite pair of pants or a new song. After almost two years of stolen kisses and more, that’s as far as he’d gotten into the other’s heart. Jongin feels nauseous. It’s only as he starts trying to control his gag reflex that he realizes he’s already hyperventilating because he’s been sobbing uncontrollably since the singer walked away…

He gives himself 24 hours after his heart was shattered on that rooftop. 24 hrs in bed, feigning injury. Truth be told, he is suffering from a deep wound, just one that’s invisible. _‘It’s his birthday,’_ Jongin realizes, looking at the date on the clock. _‘Normally, I’d be celebrating his existence and being so grateful for having him in my life…’_ He fingers the onyx bracelet he’d bought for the singer as a gift, imagining how good it would look contrasting with Kyungsoo’s pale skin. The birthday boy isn’t even at home today – he’s working, double showcases of _Pure Love_ back to back. Kyungsoo’s words echo back in his mind: _“I like my job more.”_

 _‘You stupid, fucking workaholic. You like your job more than yourself, too, apparently!’_ Jongin throws the bracelet across the room in frustration as tears leak out the corners of his eyes, for the thousandth time.

He can’t hold it together anymore. Without Kyungsoo, he’s crumbling. He needs solace, he needs warmth and understanding touches, and he’s got nowhere to turn within the group. Odds are that Jaehyuk is just going to think he’s trying to start a relationship with someone else if he’s caught koala-ing onto Sehun.

He needs his other friends. Someone he can count on to understand. He needs…

 **Jongin**  
Hey… any chance you can break from concert rehearsals to see me for a bit?  
  
**Krystal**  
Sure, I’ll be done in about an hour.  
Where do you want to meet?  
  
**Jongin**  
The Room of Sorrows.  
  
**Krystal**  
Fuck. Are you okay?  
I can make up an excuse and leave whenever you’re there.  
Text me when you arrive?

Jongin drags himself down to the SM building and into their special, depressing Room of Sorrows. Unfortunately, all the practice rooms look fairly similar on the inside, so now he’s got too many memories playing back in excruciating detail, assaulting his frazzled mind. Kissing Kyungsoo up against the mirror on the back wall, tickling him when he was near the far left side during Angel rehearsals, laying down with him in the back right corner while the sound system blares Selena…

He retreats back toward the door, trying to find shelter in a space not connected with Kyungsoo, and almost falls over, running into Krystal as she enters the room.

“Hey,” she steadies him, bracing hands on his hip and shoulder to prevent him from hurting himself. Once he’s regained his balance, she starts to pull back but Jongin envelopes her in a tight embrace, clinging to her like a lifeline. Krystal tenses up a moment before patting his back in a comforting manner. “What’s going on? Is it something in EXO? Or is it…?” she hesitates, and Jongin just nods against her shoulder, pulling her even closer.

“It’s over. It’s really over this time,” he manages to get out as he starts to cry.

Krystal’s hands stop patting him and start stroking up and down his back in a more tender, soothing fashion. “I’m sorry, Nini. I’m really sorry. Are you sure? You had that break before – maybe it’s just a rough patch again?” she asks, gently.

Jongin shakes his head, but can’t speak through the tears now. He stands there just absorbing her solace for a while. A few minutes pass before he plucks up the courage to speak again. “H—she said I’m not worth it,” he spills out with a pained sob.

“WHAT. NOBODY is allowed to treat you that way. Enough with the secrets, I’m gonna cut a bitch. Who is she?!” Krystal fumes while cradling him closer and running her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, her comforting actions in stark contrast with her furious words.

Jongin lets out an ugly snort. “You might be taller but you’d still lose in a one on one fight if it came down to it.”

“Don’t doubt my fists of fury. I can kick some ass if I have to,” she rebuts semi-playfully.

“Okay, whatever you say,” he teases back lightly but without any life in the words. He stands back up to his full height and wipes his eyes, amazed he can have any tears left given all the ones he’s shed since yesterday.  When he looks back down at Krystal, she gives him a melancholy smile.

“In all serious, Jongin, this could be a good thing. It’s been so hard for me to watch you constantly on edge in this relationship. You deserve better, someone who makes you feel safe and cared for, that warm, secure love you don’t find yourself questioning, and that you don’t have to hide from everyone. I want that peace, that wholeness for you…”

His heart reacts. The idea of a calm, quiet love that’s a shelter rather than a passionate storm that excites but destroys… it sounds too good to be true. Jongin’s not stupid; he knows what she’s implying even if Krystal isn’t doing it consciously. She’s talking about them. And he’s nowhere near ready to entertain the idea.

“Maybe one day. Maybe not. But not right now,” he says quietly, half to her and half to himself.

She nods and hums in understanding. “No, not now. Take some time to heal,” she squeezes his hand in reassurance before stepping back and giving him space. “Have you eaten yet?”

He shakes his head. He hasn’t eaten since his talk with Kyungsoo almost 30 hours ago. “Want to get noodles and distract me with how things are going preparing for your concert?” he suggests.

“I’d love that.”

.

.

.

 **Krystal**  
Happy Birthday!!!  
I’m sorry I can’t meet up with you today to celebrate, but what are you doing on the 20 th?  
  
**Jongin**  
Thanks!  
Um, nothing’s on my schedule, why?  
  
**Krystal**  
Come skiing with us :)  
Amber and I are doing a day trip.  
She’s bringing her friend Scott.  
I promise it’ll be fun.  
My treat, as your birthday gift?  
  
**Jongin**  
Okay, sounds good.

 

And that’s how Jongin finds himself in back seat of Amber’s car a week later, laughing as she and Scott in the front are animatedly trying to rap along with the latest MFBTY album that’s blaring through the speakers. It feels good to genuinely laugh again; he’s spent the past week mostly holed up in his room or in the SM offices trying to work on his acting for _Choco Bank_ … and trying not to think about how Kyungsoo would have helped him if things were how they used to be. The older has been out of sight, always off on individual schedules, though not out of mind. _‘It WILL pass,’_ Jongin tells himself. _‘And stuff like this is good; hanging out with others will help you move on.’_ He vows not to think of Kyungsoo for the rest of the day.

A light touch on his hand brings him out of his thoughts. Krystal’s on the back seat of the car with him. “Are you excited?” she asks, eyes aglow.

Jongin smiles. “Yeah. It’s been forever since I’ve had a chance to get out and do something sporty.”

“I know, me too. That’s one of the things I love about skiing – it’s pretty easy to do it out in the open while still in Korea, because of all the gear. I never get to ice skate for that reason,” she relays with a half-grimace, puffing out her cheeks.

He laughs at her cute facial expression. “Well, Ms. Winter Sports Extraordinaire, I haven’t skied in quite some time, so don’t go losing me on black diamond trails or anything.”

“Oh, I suppose I could dumb it down and do the bunny slopes with you for a while.”

“Hey, aren’t those for little kids?”

“Yes. And your point is…?”

“I’m not an expert, but I’m also not 10!” Jongin whines.

“Are you sure? You certainly still whine like it.”

Not able to produce a comeback other than a complaining “I do not,” he pulls his beanie off his head and chucks it at her. She laughs and puts it on. “Thanks for the hat. It feels warmer than the one I brought,” Krystal teases with a wink.

Jongin grumbles for show but lets her keep it. He smiles, watching the scenery get more mountainous outside his window. A minute later, and Amber is cheerfully exclaiming, “We’re here!”

After they gear up, the four friends head to a green trail not too far from the main lodge for a quick warm-up. Jongin gets his bearings pretty easily, using his strong sense of balance from all his dancing. They all agree to do the same trail one more time but race each other this time since there aren’t many people on the slopes today.

“Are you ready… are you set… LAST ONE BUYS DRINKS! GO!” yells Amber, and they all take off. Scott takes the early lead, but Jongin’s hot on his tail with Amber and Krystal right behind. As they’re nearing the finish line, Jongin’s about to overtake Scott when he hits a hard patch of ice and slides onto his side. Krystal stops just in front of him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he laughs, spitting out the little bit of snow that got in his mouth. “I’m fine, except that I’ll be out 30,000 won since I’ll need to buy everyone drinks.”

“Nah, get up.” Krystal grabs his hand and pulls him up. “This is supposed to be a celebration for your birthday. I can’t in good conscience let you pay. Go on, finish before me.” Before Jongin can protest, she’s already gotten behind him, gripped his hips, and given him a shove to get him down the final 25 meters.

Amber and Scott applaud the good sportsmanship, and they all trek into the lodge for coffees and hot chocolates which Krystal insists on buying over Jongin’s objections.

They chat about everyday stuff like recent restaurants they’ve tried while they thaw out sipping their warm drinks. As they finish, Krystal clears their trash from the table and Scott pipes up, “I think I’m going for a black trail next. Anyone else game?”

“I’ll do it!” Amber says, surprising no one with her enthusiasm. The pair look expectantly at Krystal and Jongin.

“We’ll pass. Have fun!” she replies.

Jongin frowns and ventures an insecure, “We could have tried it.”

She gives him a _‘don’t be stupid’_ look. “If you’re falling on green trails, you’ll basically die on black ones. What, do you have a death wish?” she deadpans.

“Okay, okay. I guess you have a point. But it was just a little slip; don’t patronize me. Let’s at least do a blue trail.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

They head over and get on a ski lift that will take them to the start of a blue trail. With all their gear on, they have to squish together to fit on the bench seat. Side by side, it’s quiet ride up at first. Jongin admires the fresh snowfall from the privileged view the ski lift offers. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he murmurs.

“Yeah…” Krystal softly replies. He feels her staring at him and turns to face her. She blushes and looks down the slope.

They reach the top of the lift and glide down the exit ramp. Before they shove off, Krystal grabs his arm to get his attention. “No racing, okay? Let’s just go down at a controlled pace. Stick toward the center, don’t let yourself get to close to the tree line, and don’t be afraid to come to a stop in the middle if you feel like the speed is taking you out of control.”

Jongin huffs in annoyance. “Oh my gosh, you’re worse than my mother. I’ll be FINE, you worrywart.”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Be careful, okay?” she pleads.

He’s touched by her genuine concern for him but refuses to feed into her fears by coming off as scared. He mock salutes her. “Yes, sunbae, I will take care.” Before she can retort, he digs his poles into the ground and starts down the trail.

The wind whistles in his ears, and Jongin relishes the freedom of flying down the mountain. A few snow drifts catch him by surprise but he stays upright and continues to maneuver down the slope. About 2/3 of the way on the trail, he comes up over a crest to see a fallen skier just a few meters in front of him. He swerves left, hard, to narrowly avoid running the person over, but his speed makes it difficult for him to correct back to the middle of the course. The next thing he knows, he hits a tree and goes down. Groaning, he closes his eyes and flops his head back. This one hurts. Bad.

“Oh my God, Nini!” he hears Krystal’s panicked voice as she’s sliding to a stop next to him. She rips off her helmet and ski goggles to get a closer look at him, grabbing his face in her hands. “Are you conscious? Can you hear me?!”

Jongin mumbles, “Of course I can hear you. Even if I was in a coma, I would hear you with how loud you’re yelling.” He smirks and starts to laugh at his own joke while trying to sit up, but he feels a shooting pain run down his leg and grits his teeth to keep from yelping in agony.

Krystal immediately supports his back and helps him lay down again. “Don’t move. What hurts?”

“My leg. Just give me a moment.”

She abides by his wish and stays silent a minute. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you out here.”

“What are you talking about? This was an accident. There’s nothing to be sorry about. And you didn’t drag me, I wanted to come.” He moves his goggles on top of his helmet so he can look her in the eyes and show her how sincere he is. “I needed this.”

“But now you’re injured, and I know how busy you are with touring. And crap! We’ve even got the Golden Disk Awards tomorrow.” She worriedly chews on her bottom lip.

“I don’t think it’s anything serious, relax. And if it is bad enough that I can’t dance, I’m sure SM will just bust out a ‘Throne of Shame’ for me to perch on, and the show will go on. If you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for my members who are going to have to adjust the choreography for the nth time,” he quips with a rueful smile.

“I’m going to go get help. I’ll be back in just a minute with the medical crew, okay?” Krystal starts to stand back up, but without thinking, Jongin grabs her hand.

“Stay. Just a little while?” He doesn’t want to tell her it’s because the pain is still throbbing and likely at its peak right now, as the shock has worn off. That’d just make her feel more guilty ( _‘and make you look like a wuss,’_ a voice suggests). So he just gives her his best puppy dog eyes until she sits back down.

“Okay,” she says quietly.

After another minute, the pain subsides a little, and Jongin realizes he’s still squeezing her hand. “Um, help me sit up?” Pulling with their interlocked hands, she gets him in an upright position. “See? I’m not so fragile. I could probably ski the rest of the way down in just a minute.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m getting you a stretcher.” She starts to get her feet underneath her to stand, but Jongin desperately doesn’t want a stretcher and the scene it would inevitably cause. Someone will recognize them for sure if they call that much attention to themselves. So he does the only thing he can think of: he tips her over while she’s still in a squat and throws a small handful of snow at her face.

“Kim Jongin!” she splutters, wiping her face before grabbing a fist full of the powdery snow and trying to cram it down his jacket by the back of his neck. He howls at the cold sensation and uses his upper body to wrestle her onto her back as she flings some more snow toward his face. He squeezes his eyes shut, still holding her down by the shoulders, while yelling, “Truce! Truce!”

When she stops fighting him, he cautiously pops an eye open and goes breathless at the gorgeous sight before him. Krystal is laying back with her head against the fluffy white snow, eyes crinkled up as she is overcome with laughter. Something about her beauty and the way her raven hair contrasts with the snow triggers a memory of another stunning loved one: porcelain skin glowing in the moonlight, heart-shaped lips pulled into a blissful smile, as dark hair fans out across a white pillow…

Jongin jolts back like he’s been electrocuted by the past. _‘Kyungsoo…’_ he feels his heart yearn and fresh tears prick his eyes.

“Oh no, your pain’s getting worse isn’t it?” Krystal frets. Jongin nods absent-mindedly even though the physical pain in his leg isn’t all that noticeable anymore. “Let me get the medical team,” she pleads.

“No. Just call Amber and Scott. I’ll be able to walk down with support,” he insists.

Their friends arrive a few minutes later, and they manage down the trail pretty easily, each taking turns letting Jongin lean on them. He can put a little weight on the leg, just not much. The dancer figures it’s a strained muscle, not a tear or anything more serious, which is a relief. Once they’re on the solid pavement, he actually feels up to walking to the car on his own. The group packs up and heads back to Seoul. “Do you want me to drop you at SM?” Amber asks.

“No, just take me to the dorm, please. I’ll do the ice and heat routine and then talk to my manager if necessary. I don’t think it’s that bad, honest.” As they pull up to his stop, he thanks Amber for driving and says goodbye to Scott as Krystal exits the car to see if he wants help getting out. He almost waves her off, but can see the worry lines on her face and lets her help. “Thanks for inviting me. And stop feeling bad – I’m glad I went. It was fun,” he squeezes her shoulder.

Krystal gives him a tight smile. “Text me later so I know you’re okay?”

“Will do. See you tomorrow at the awards show.”

\------------------------------------

Kyungsoo is surprised to see people still awake when he stumbles into the dorm at almost 2am. The bathroom light leaks under the closed door, indicating it’s occupied by some unknown member, and a single light in the kitchen is on, illuminating Jongdae as he fishes through the freezer.

“Hey, what are you doing up so late?” he greets his fellow vocalist.

Jongdae groans and keeps digging in the freezer. “Trying to find something suitable to ice Jongin’s injury. He’s done with heat and needs ice now, but no one refilled the tray from earlier today.” He retrieves two bags of frozen string beans and inspects them, satisfied they should do the trick.

Kyungsoo is suddenly wide awake and spitting questions in rapid-fire succession. “What happened? Is it his back?”

“Yes, but no,” Jongdae yawns, “it’s his leg, mostly, though his lower back is bothering him, too.”

“Leg? Is it a strain or a rolled ankle?”

“I think it’s a strain. Not his ankle, closer to his knee.”

“You think – he hasn’t been seen by a doctor yet?”

“No, he didn’t want to—“

“Of course he doesn’t want to go, he never does. You have to make him. How long has he had heat on it?”

“Jesus, Kyungsoo, I don’t know. I think he’s been switching every hour?”

“He needs ice on the leg but heat on his back, not oscillating between the two. Take him one bag of the frozen food but keep the heat on his back.”

“Well the hot water bottle is already cold—“

“So go get it and reheat the water!”

Clearly fed up, Jongdae tosses the string bean packages on the countertop and glares at Kyungsoo. “Look, bossypants McGee, since you’re obviously the expert, how about **you** go in my room, get it from Jongin, and reheat it to the precise temperature I’m sure you have in mind rather than get all over my ass for doing it wrong?!”

Kyungsoo’s shoulders sag, and he runs his hand through his hair. He hadn’t meant to nag poor Dae so badly… but he can’t go into their room. He can’t face Jongin, a physically hurting Jongin at that, and then take care of him. First of all, he’s got no right to show his face like that after the cruel words he’s said to him. Second, so openly showing the dancer how much he still cares will only confuse him and undermine the harsh message he sent 10 days ago. And third, Jongin’s made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with him over the past few days…

While he’s lost in thought, Jongdae sighs at the Kyungsoo’s lack of response, verbal or otherwise. “Don’t tell me you two aren’t speaking again for some stupid reason? Just nut up and –“

“It’s okay – I’ve got it,” a weary Chanyeol interrupts, suddenly standing behind Kyungsoo and addressing Jongdae. “You’ll have to forgive Soo; he’s just been with Jongin for years and knows how to best treat his injuries. It’s a roommate thing. You’ll get the hang of it eventually,” he slurs sleepily. “I’m on top of it this time, don’t worry.” The giant pats Kyungsoo’s shoulder before heading over to Jongdae and Jongin’s room.

He throws an apologetic look at Jongdae. “Sorry. For interrogating you and being a nag.”

“It’s alright. It’s late. No one’s in a good mood this late. Plus, Minseok got hurt yesterday, too. It’s a fucking sick bay around here. I’m on edge as well. No hard feelings,” Jongdae reassures him.

Kyungsoo nods in appreciation and hurries into his room as he hears Jongin’s groan of pain, probably from Chanyeol repositioning him. Frustrated that he can do nothing to help the one he loves, Kyungsoo throws a pillow over his head and considers crying himself to sleep, but he’s done that enough lately. And it’s not getting any better.

They say to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Kyungsoo feels empty knowing that he did his job almost too well in trying to push Jongin away. The younger boy doesn’t treat him apathetically like the last time they broke up; he is downright brusque this time. The singer knows he deserves it. After all, he purposefully played on Jongin’s insecurities about Kyungsoo’s commitment to work over him to make sure the dancer would accept the rejection. But how’s he supposed to continue on like this, his heart aching in agony for the boy down the hall while he can only huddle up in his room and pray things get better for him?

He checks the clock: 2:04am. He knows he can call her anytime, but it’s been years since he’s subjected her to a middle of the night call like this. After another minute of deliberation, he picks up his phone and dials.

“…hello?” Her voice is thick with sleep.

“Umma…”

“Kyungsoo-ah? Are you alright? Where are you? Do you need me to come and get you?” He hears her shuffling on the other side of the line, likely climbing out of bed so as not to disturb his father.

“No, umma, I’m fine. Well… I’m not. But I’m safe. I’m in the dorm. I just… I’m sorry to call you so late at night.”

His mother makes a disapproving sound on the other side of the line. “Soo-ah, I’m happy anytime you call me, not matter what time. You know this. What’s wrong, my child?”

Kyungsoo chews on the inside of his mouth, trying to decide how much to tell her. She’s met Jongin before, but only as his friend, of course. “There’s… there’s a person I really care about,” he starts hesitantly.

Her knowing hum suggests that she understands the implication immediately. “Okay. Tell me about him.”

Like any son being questioned about his love interest by his mother, Kyungsoo groans a little at first. “He’s…. well he’s wonderful. He is very kind-hearted, he makes me laugh, and he’s a great encourager. No one has ever made me feel so good about myself…” he trails off as the tears start to fill his eyes.

“He sounds like a nice young man. So tell me what’s wrong? Is he not interested in, um, in that way?” she ventures a hesitant guess.

“No. That’s not the problem. We actually were together for a while. There are just… there are reasons I can’t be with him. Our jobs, you know, and some things happened between me and the company, so I had to push him away. But it’s so hard, umma, because I see him hurting and I can’t do anything about it.”

“Well does he know why you pushed him away?”

“No. He’s quite stubborn and I don’t think he would have accepted it if I tried to explain it.”

His mother chuckles quietly. “I like him more already.”

“UMMA,” whines Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry, Soo-ah, but sometimes you need someone to balance out your responsible side. And someone who can match your willfulness, too.”

“Yes yes. He’s perfect for me,” he says drolly, heart immediately aching at how true it is as he hears it aloud. “… but I’m not perfect for him. I’ll have to ask you to take my word on it. He really is better off without me,” he gulps back the tears as he shares the sad reality. “He was trusting me to lead him through these difficulties we face in this industry and all, and I tried. I tried so hard, umma, but I only made it worse. Even when I was trying to protect him, the good things I could do were going to get turned against him. He put his trust in me, to take care of things, and I was failing. I don’t trust myself to be what he needs anymore…”

A few quiet moments pass. “Well I’m sorry you feel that way, sweetheart,” she says tenderly.

“I’m trying to stay busy with work and focus on other stuff, but I can’t help worrying about him all the time. Is he eating well? How’s his condition, mentally? We’re not on speaking terms, really, and when I do get a feel for how things are going for him… they’re not good. But I have to stay away, and it’s killing me. I wish there was something I could do to help.”

She makes a sad little sigh before piping back up. “You know, there is such a thing as loving someone from afar, Soo-ah. You can always find ways to care for him in little, mundane things you do. Quietly, selflessly. Like, I don’t know, make sure lots of his favorite food is always stocked in his home. Send him something you know he wants as an anonymous fan gift. Or just be a quiet help, anticipating needs before he even knows he has them. Serving him in this way would still let him receive your love without knowing it. But it can be hard to love without credit – it may be the highest mark of care for another person.”

Kyungsoo digests these words carefully. “Like how a mother cares for her son in the countless ways he never realizes until he grows up to be a man,” he says fondly.

“Oh stop.” He can practically hear her blush through the phone. He knows if they were together right now, she’d be patting his knee while they’d share adoring looks with each other. Her voice turns serious: “You’ve grown up so well. I am so proud of who you are, you know that, right?”

He quietly sheds a few final tears. “Thank you, umma. For saying that. For talking with me tonight. For… for everything really. I love you.”

“I love you, too, son. Call me again at 2am sometime. I’ll always answer for you, Kyungsoo-ah.”

\------------------------------------

Luckily, Jongin feels a bit better in the morning. The constant heat Chanyeol insisted he had to keep on his back has eased most of the tension away, and the worst of the inflammation in his leg seems to be over thanks to the ice, but it’s clear he’s in no shape to dance on it. Reluctantly, he summons Jaehyuk and tells him the bad news. The manager tsks over him and brings him to the SM doctor who prescribes pain pills, more ice for the leg and heat for his back, and one week of dreaded chair performances. The prescription makes him sleepy, so he rests the remainder of the afternoon until they have to get ready for the Golden Disk Awards. Upon waking, he can tell the pain pills are doing their job wonderfully; he can walk fairly normally. Famished, he decides to scrounge together some instant ramen but is ecstatic to see someone made a huge batch of chijeu-buldak and stored individual serving sizes in the fridge. Jongin salivates while reheating the spicy, cheesy chicken and ends up eating a second helping because why not? He’s been unintentionally dieting for days because of his depression, and he needs the extra calories to heal, right? Right. _‘How about more veggies and less bloat-inducing cheese, man?’_ He tells his voice of reason to fuck off as he continues to scarf down his comfort food.

The awards show goes off without a hitch. EXO cleans up the accolades, but by the end of the show, the prescription’s effect has started to wane, and Jongin’s having trouble keeping his pain under wraps. He’s noticed Kyungsoo giving him worried looks when he thinks the dancer can’t see them, and this makes the younger even more uncomfortable. He doesn’t want the elder’s pity. Jongin is still sore over how Kyungsoo spoke to him condescendingly on the roof, and he refuses to seem weak or child-like in handling his hurt in front of him. As they pile onto the stage again to accept the Grand Award, he tries to leave some space between himself and Kyungsoo so the singer won’t detect the pain he’s in and pretend he actually cares. Unfortunately, Sehun’s not making it easy, trying to force the dancer closer in so he can stand at the end of the line. Frustrated, Jongin challenges the maknae. “Rock paper scissors for the end position.”

When Sehun loses, Jongin breathes a sigh of relief and shoves the lanky boy between himself and Kyungsoo. He then tries to keep a happy face on through the acceptance speeches by all the other members, overcompensating by clapping with feigned excitement to cover his pain.

Krystal is on stage as an emcee and seems to be checking on his leg as well. Jongin sends her a reassuring bow and smile. _‘It’s alright, really.’_

Thankfully, the show is over after a final encore. The members pile into the van, Junmyeon assisting the dancer into a seat on the middle row. Jongin lets out a groan as he stretches his leg out into the center aisle. He hears a barely audible voice behind him in the back seat ask, “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t need to turn to see who’s addressing him. The nerve of this guy. He shifts just slightly so Kyungsoo will be able to hear him but doesn’t turn to fully face him. “No. I’m not,” he says flatly.

The silence is thick, and Jongin figures the singer is done after his obligatory inquiry to avoid looking like a totally uncaring jerk. But then he hears another whisper, one that sounds a lot more vulnerable: “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Jongin turns completely this time and makes eye contact with the older boy. For a moment, it feels like things are normal again: Kyungsoo’s eyes locked on Jongin’s, genuine care and tenderness being communicated between them with just a look. They’ve gotten good at silently expressing their feelings like this over the years. Jongin drinks in the unspoken affection and relishes it liked a parched man in the middle of a barren wasteland, feeling a rush of adrenaline. He feels himself melting in those warm, chocolate orbs as his heart seems to beat to a rhythm of _‘Imissyou, Imissyou, I missyou…’_ But then Kyungsoo breaks the eye contact and clears his throat as he clarifies, “I mean, as a friend, as a teammate, is there something I can do to help?”

And just like that, Jongin’s emotions fly from one extreme to the other. “You can help by leaving me alone” he hisses coldly, whirling back around. _‘Thanks for reminding me you only give a shit about me because we’re **group members** and nothing more. Like I could forget what happened 2 weeks ago. Asshole…’ _ But even as he tries to feel angry inside, his inner voice is withdrawing in misery. He closes his eyes to try and shut out the hurt.

\---------------------------------------

EXO’S NORTH AMERICAN TOUR IS APPROACHING QUICKLY! (February 3, 2016)

Kyungsoo takes solace in knowing that his mother’s advice was sound. He’s been able to sneakily provide help to Jongin in a variety of ways over the past few weeks, primarily through food. It is helping – he feels happier having an outlet to send his love to the dancer, even if Jongin has no idea it’s coming from him. He’s actually enjoyed cooking again (though the wee hours of the night are not his favorite time to do it, they’re the only ones available). On his way to another press junket for _Pure Love,_ he calls to double check his reservation with the food truck.

“Yes, I’m just verifying the coffee truck will be on location at the _Choco Bank_ filming today by 10am,” he yawns and apologizes immediately afterward.

“Yes, that is what we have scheduled. Any particular blends that you want made available?”

“Just make sure they pair well with chocolate, thank you.”

“Yes, sir. We didn’t receive any signs to announce who sent the truck – will you be preparing those yourself and delivering them onsite?” the vendor inquires.

“Ah, no. If anyone asks, just say it was a gift to Kai from an anonymous EXO-L, please.”

“I see, no problem. There is no shame in being a fanboy, by the way, sir. I’m quite the EXO fan myself,” the vendor laughs, good-naturedly.

“Oh! I appreciate the—“ Kyungsoo was about to say ‘support’ but catches himself just in time. “—that you share the same sentiments. But yes, please make it anonymous.”

After hanging up the call, the singer settles into the seat to nap for the remainder of the ride. He rests a little more easily these days because Kai is at least accepting how D.O tries to take care of him onstage. The first time D.O had tried to help his injured leg, Jongin almost pulled away before remembering they were in front of fans and reluctantly allowing the older boy’s arm to wrap around his back and steady him as he traversed the stage. It was then that Kyungsoo took the opportunity to whisper: “Just because I don’t think we should be together doesn’t mean I don’t care about you as a person.”

He hoped that struck the right balance of being warm without trying to lead him on, but Jongin had scoffed as though it pissed him off rather than placated him. Still, from that point onward, Kai accepted D.O’s assistance and small attempts at platonic skinship onstage, even if the dancer never initiated them. It was just little things like letting the singer help him up and down stairs, or allowing D.O to sing alongside him while he sat on the chair during Peter Pan. He knows it’s not total forgiveness. Hell, maybe he was only doing it out of a sense of duty to their fans. But these interactions spark hope in Kyungsoo that one day, maybe one day, they can be friends again.

So when he dreams, it’s almost always about a day in the distant future when time will have erased the pain and they’ll share genuine smiles with each other once more…

\---------------------------------------

The rest of January and early February is a blur of filming for _Choco Bank_ interspersed with more concerts. Jongin can’t believe how tiring filming just a few episodes and then doing a couple press conferences can be. A nagging voice in the back of his mind suggests he is only seeing the tip of the iceberg of what Kyungsoo has been juggling for years now, and points out how unsympathetic he’d been toward the singer/actor’s efforts to take care of both professional facets flawlessly.

He shakes it off. _‘Moving on. You’re moving on. Enough of looking back on the past.’_ Jongin’s started settling into a new normal of interacting well with the singer professionally in public while they’ve continued to mostly avoid each other in private, but even attempts to avoid run-ins have decreased as they’ve gotten used to each other’s presence around the other EXO members without too much awkwardness in the air. When he was still injured, every time he’d turned to look for his crutches, it felt like Kyungsoo was right there with them already in hand. Simple, wordless moments like these seemed to keep their fellow members oblivious to their fall out, so Jongin figured it was yet another strategic move on the older boy’s part to maintain their professional lives without drawing attention. It was somewhat annoying, to second guess every act of kindness like this, but it was probably better than the alternative of questioning looks, so the dancer tried to feel thankful and accepted the gestures without complaint. As a result, they’re pretty close to common co-workers now, but Jongin feels like he needs to proactively DO SOMETHING for it to be officially over and done with.

When he’s left in Korea during the first North American tour stop, due to incompetent handling of his work visa, his phone starts beeping with incoming texts.

 **Krystal**  
I heard you got left behind.  
Want to grab dinner?  
I can check and see if Taemin’s around, if you’d like.  
  
**Jongin**  
Nah, I can’t tonight because I’m trying to polish my lines for the final episode of the web drama.  
I know you leave for Japan later this month, so let’s be sure to get together before then, though.  
  
**Krystal**  
Okay, what are you doing one week from tonight?

 

Jongin checks his schedule and sees that it’s a free day before texting back.

 **Jongin**  
I’m taking you to dinner, that’s what ;)

 

There’s a long pause, and the screen shows that she types and deletes her message several times before she actually sends a text back.

 **Krystal**  
That sounds awfully… official.  
Like a date, haha.

 

His heart rate rises as he considers this. They’ve been hanging out a lot, but this is definitely the first suggestion that either of them has made that it could mean something different. And suddenly, it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore. It’s been a full month since that terrible day on the roof, and Kyungsoo has given him no reason to believe he’s ever going to change his mind about them being together. Maybe it’s time. While he’s busy contemplating this, several texts ping on his phone, in close succession.

 **Krystal**  
I’m sorry. That was a terrible attempt at a joke.  
Please don’t think anything of it.  
I can invite Taemin or Amber and Scott or something.  
  
**Jongin**  
No.  
A date sounds nice, actually.  
I’m… I’m willing to try it at least once.  
But you have to promise me we’ll still be friends if it’s weird or awkward or something?  
  
**Krystal**  
Deal.

.

.

.

Jongin dresses down in simple black clothes, a snug black cap, and round glasses. They’re going out in Seoul, so he needs to avoid anything flashy. The irony that he’s wearing his ex-boyfriend’s standard ‘uniform’ of all black is not lost on him, but what can he say: it’s perfect for blending in. After grabbing a puffy black parka, he sets out to the parking garage to get his car. He uses it so rarely, he had to ask his noona to drop it off earlier this morning, but it’s right where she said she’d leave it. Since it’s a real date, they’d agreed that he would pick Krystal up at her place.

He can’t deny the nerves in his stomach as he pulls into her building’s garage. _‘Please don’t let it be awkward, please don’t let it be awkward…’_ Krystal’s waiting for him. When she climbs in, they both immediately dissolve into giggles. “Oh my gosh, no way.” They’re dressed identically from head to toe, as if they’d planned their outfits ahead of time.

Once they both calm down, Krystal quips, “For the record, I’m not really into couple clothing. I’d usually say it’s too cheesy, but this is kind of amazing. Did you call Amber earlier or something to find out what I’d wear?”

“No, honest. I just tried to pick something that wouldn’t stand out too much,” he laughs as he pulls out of the parking garage and heads toward the restaurant he chose for them.

“Well, obviously, great minds think alike. Or we’ve just spent a ridiculous amount of time around each other. Or both,” she says with a smile.

Jongin hums. It’s true, they often are on the same wavelength. He’s grateful the night is off to an easy start.

The restaurant is one they haven’t been to together before. He figures they need a new location if they’re testing out uncharted waters. He parks nearby and makes sure to hustle around the car and open Krystal’s door before she’s stepped all the way out, taking her by surprise. She smiles appreciatively at the gesture, nibbling on her bottom lip shyly. They enter the restaurant and get seated at a small table in the back.

Ordering is easy, and drinks come out as they talk about the usual: tour stuff, random stories about mutual friends, etc. They’re hitting a lull in the conversation after their meals arrive. When Jongin tries to steal a glance at her, he catches her doing the same thing. They both blush and Krystal refocuses on her food, staring down at her spoon. Jongin watches her lips intently, as they pull together in an attractive pucker while she blows steam off of her soup. They curl up ever so slightly in a pleased smile, as Krystal seems to be reveling in how Jongin had looked at her. He feels warm all over knowing that he has this effect on her, that she likes him so much that she’s flustered from just a simple gaze. He smiles to himself and starts up conversation again before digging into his food. “So how’s your new cat?”

“Mmm!” Krystal wipes her mouth daintily with her napkin as she lights up. “Moss. She’s the sweetest, oh my goodness. Did I tell you she’s taken to sleeping on top of my head lately? I’ve been waking up to her peering down at me like this.” She makes a ridiculously cute curious face, with wide eyes and her head cocked slightly to the side.

Jongin laughs openly. Maybe a little too openly, actually, as some patrons seem to turn their direction. He ducks his head on reflex and covers his mouth, trying to get his giggles under control. “Sorry. That was really cute,” he says honestly.

Krystal gives a small sad smile before slowly reaching across the table and taking his wrist in her hand. Gently, she pulls back his hand from his mouth and tells him, “Don’t hide. You should never hide your smile. And I… I don’t really care if someone sees.” So much is conveyed in these tender words. _‘Not like she did. I won’t make you hide us like you had to hide who you were with before.’_

Jongin shares a long look with her, absorbing the unspoken messages and her sincerity. A tornado of mixed of emotions swirls inside him: appreciation for what’s here in front of him ( _'Krystal...')_ , sadness for what’s no longer there ( _'Kyungsoo...')_ , longing, love… He can’t sort through all the feelings properly to determine each one’s origins nor targets as radiantly pale skin and black silky hair shift forms from the girl to the boy and back again. Jongin isn't sure if he should grin or cry. So he does a touch of both and squeezes Krystal’s hand as he drops his eyes back to his food. She doesn’t say anything more, just rubs the back of his hand with her thumb, and they keep eating in silence that’s not quite comfortable.

“How’s Monggu?” she asks a few minutes later.

Conversation goes back to normal, and before they know it, dessert has come and gone, and the restaurant is closing. Jongin is already prepared with his card when the check arrives, and Krystal graciously thanks him for dinner. It’s grown colder outside, so he offers the girl his parka, draping it around her shoulders before she can refuse.

Together, they walk back to the parking garage. “The food was really good here. I’m glad it lived up to the reviews I’d read,” Jongin says.

“Yeah, we’ll have to come back some time,” Krystal says conversationally, climbing into the car while he holds the door open for her. She suddenly realizes what she’s said and looks back up at him to see if he interpreted it the same way. _'Another time... another date...'_ They both freeze and check for the other’s reaction. After a tense moment of staring into each other’s eyes with neither giving anything away, Jongin takes a deep breath and gives an indecipherable grin as he closes her door.

He drives her back to her dorm and parks in the garage. He turns off the engine and turns to face her fully. Krystal mirrors his actions but looks down at her nails, obviously nervous and not sure what to say. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to sound presumptuous earlier. About us going back. I know we only agreed to try this out once and just see how it goes.”

Jongin watches her let out a shaky breath as she looks back up at him, clearly trying to determine how he feels but scared to see the verdict. He drinks in her presence, this beautiful girl who has been so good to him over all these years. His eyes flit back and forth between hers as his heart beat steadily increases pace. _‘What would it be like,’_ he dares to wonder. Slowly he reaches out and curls a hand gently behind her neck, thumb gently grazing along her rosy cheek. He holds this position, still deliberating.

Krystal’s breathing seems to pick up with every passing second, like she can’t handle the suspense. After a long while, she whispers, “You promised me once that you’d never give me another friendly kiss.” It’s said half-jokingly, but they both know it’s really a dead serious reminder.

“I know,” he says as he leans in…

\----------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :screams and ducks behind a sturdy brick wall:
> 
> I know a lot of you might be really mad at me right now, but blame Dispatch. This shit is out there and it of course HAD to be incorporated into the story. (It was the whole motivating factor for me to WRITE the story, originally, and to try to piece together everything that had lead up to this Kaistal date into a coherent, plausible series of events.)
> 
> Let it all out in the comments: what you made you cry, what made you scream, what makes you want to pummel one or all of the primary characters.
> 
> I know some of you were probably upset with Soo at the end of the last chapter. Truth time: if he hadn’t done what he did, then you would never ever forgive Nini for what just happened and you know it. You still might not be in a forgiving mood for anybody at the moment, but I was dead set that I didn’t want to turn any of the primary characters into the ‘bad guy/girl.’ They’re all human, with flaws but also with really pure intentions and all that (nobody’s a cheater or vindictive or any of that crap. Life’s complicated enough.)
> 
> References:
> 
>   * Kyungsoo really did do [back to back showcases for _Pure Love_ on his birthday](http://dailyexo.tumblr.com/post/136386027150/schedule-exos-schedule-for-january-2016).
>   * Jongin injured his leg before the Golden Disk Awards ([as did Minseok](http://www.koreaboo.com/news/exos-xiumin-braved-through-the-golden-disk-awards-despite-knee-injury/)), supposedly in a [skiing accident](http://fykai.tumblr.com/post/137754060061/why-during-the-presentation-at-the-golden-disk), and performed from a chair/throne of shame; here’s the supposed Kaistal where he rock paper scissors with Sehun (note how I subverted it in the fic to really be about Kaisoo? ) - <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldnFgk6HLb4>
>   * Soo talking to his mom was inspired by how adorable he was in his more recent [EXO’mentary cooking broadcast](https://66.media.tumblr.com/f8a06022178f391b9b3bee25a2171772/tumblr_o8ed3oPxJ41r0q8i2o2_1280.jpg) where he kept talking about her so fondly and discussed how he went home recently to see her and went on a walk with her and his brother (while his dad slept). I love that he’s a mama’s boy omg don’t get me started…
>   * I can’t link like the hundreds of pics of them during the concerts at the end of January and in Feb where Soo [helps Nini](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZe2ZQhVAAA1dID.jpg) or [sings with him](http://66.media.tumblr.com/307dd3fe69cafd6644d555040f0724fc/tumblr_o2ncp5qAkz1syfr1no1_1280.jpg) while he’s on the stool, but here are a few.
>   * The [pics of Kaista](http://i2.wp.com/www.koreaboo.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/dp5.jpg)l on [their date](http://i0.wp.com/www.koreaboo.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/dp7.jpg) and the [Dispatch article on them](http://www.koreaboo.com/partner/qa-dispatch-regarding-kai-krystals-relationship/). (Several sites peg the date at exactly Feb 17 like I put it in this fic.) Ignore the rest of the speculation, but the pics of their couple clothes and the reference to their skiing date (from earlier) have been ‘explained’ in this chapter. *I feel like I should note that the date of the hotel pool pics that are supposedly Kaistal was suggested to be early Feb. I'm totally ignoring the pool pics in this fic bc I don't consider them to be authentic like the Dispatch pics I used here where you can CLEARLY see it's them. There's really only rumors, not conclusive photos/videos, of the hotel/pool stuff, so I don't think I'm being inconsistent by leaving it out.
> 

> 
> Okay, I covered a LOT of ground in this ch. I’d love to talk with you in the comments below! Thanks for reading, upvoting, and commenting.


	24. Up in the Air

(Immediately following Ch 23)

 

“You promised me once that you’d never give me another friendly kiss.”

“I know,” he says as he leans in…

Jongin hesitates and hovers before pressing forward the final centimeter. Their lips touch gently, and it only takes a second before he knows: this is a mistake. Jerking back, he immediately starts apologizing, “I’m sorry, Krystal, but this is wrong. I can’t do this.”

She drops her eyes to the floor as she flushes red. The poor girl fidgets with her purse a minute and looks so uncomfortable, Jongin grabs her wrist so she won’t run off.

“It has nothing to do with you,” he says gently, trying to soothe her with a low calming tone. “It has everything to do with me; I shouldn’t be doing this because it’s not fair. The truth is, I’m not over my previous relationship. Not even a little bit. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m almost there, that I just need to push forward a little more, but honestly, my heart is still 100% taken. And I refuse to use you as a rebound or a distraction – I respect you too much to do that to you, to do that to our friendship. You’re too important to me.”

Krystal takes a deep breath, absorbing his words thoughtfully, before nodding. “Okay. I appreciate your honesty… We said we’d give it a try and we did. N-no hard feelings.” Her voice is shaking, and she gives a forced smile.

“I’m sorry I rushed things and made—"

Krystal holds a finger up to his lips, cutting him off. “You can stop apologizing, Nini. Really. We agreed not to let things get weird if it didn’t work. And maybe you just need more time?” Her question is hesitant, quiet, and completely lacking in confidence. They’re both doubtful about that conclusion, but Jongin doesn’t have the heart to voice such things aloud, not now anyway, when the poor girl is already suffering from his rejection. Instead, he simply takes her hand, and they squeeze at the same time.

He’s not naïve enough to think things are actually okay right now, but he’s not sure if they should call it a night or if that’d be worse, like he was kicking her out of the car. So he waits to see what she wants to do.

Seemingly unable to help her herself, Krystal asks, “Can I at least know who she is now, this girl who snuck up and stole you right from under my nose before I even had a chance?” She’s trying to keep it light and humorous, but there’s a certain amount of desperation still evident in the question.

Jongin chews on the inside of his mouth. He’s dying to tell her, feels like he almost owes it to her at this point, to help her understand. “I still don’t think that’s a good idea, for me to tell you. I want to, but…” He stares out the windshield at the dreary gray concrete walls of the garage. No, probably no good would come from telling her.

She bites her nail and continues her case. “But maybe if I knew who she was, I could help? Like, make it easier for you to go no contact by interfering if she tries to approach you at shows or something.”

“No, I’ll never be able to go no contact.” He knows she means well, but hearing advice that’s impossible to follow is maddening. If only it could be that easy. He closes his eyes bumps his forehead on the steering wheel several times.

“Well why not? That seems like the obvious step one to moving on, right?” she asks, confused. “I mean, you’re only torturing yourself if you keep talking to her, and seeing her, and –“

Frustrated, Jongin blurts out: “I can’t go no contact! Because it’s not some girl in some other group, it’s Kyungsoo.”

It’s out there before he can stop himself. Scared, he turns his head ever so slightly, still anchored to the steering wheel, and chances a glance over to see her reaction. She’s still for a moment before her eyes gradually increase in size, widening to, well, almost Kyungsoo levels.

“It’s Kyungsoo,” she repeats quietly at first. Then, louder. “It’s KYUNGsoo… It’s KYUNGSOO?!?”

_‘Oh shit.’_ Jongin instantly regrets telling her, flinching at her incredulous reaction. Krystal looks somewhere in between wanting to hit him and wanting to run away. Her eyes dart around her seat in the car as she seems to opt for leaving. Oh God, what has he done: he’s totally fucked them both over, betrayed Soo and ruined the singer’s career if Krystal leaves in a frenzy and decides to tell someone. Jongin panics and starts to tear up, grabbing her by the arm to keep her in the car. She turns away and struggles against his hold on her, further increasing his hysteria. “Krystal, please, you can’t tell anyone! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m sorry if you think I’m disgusting, and I’m sorry if you hate me now, but please, for the love of God, don’t tell anyone!” he begs.

She stops pulling away and lets her hand drop from the car door handle. When she slowly turns back to him, she has tears in her eyes and a soft, sad look of compassion. Compassion, not contempt. Her expression makes Jongin feel awful for thinking the worst of her just seconds ago, for not trusting her. She reaches out carefully and strokes his cheek, brushing away the wetness that had begun seeping from his eyes. “Nini, of course you don’t disgust me. I’d never hate you, and I won’t tell anyone.” She pauses to let the reassurance sink in and watches his hyperventilating slow down some. “I’m sorry for freaking out, it’s just… I need a minute to process this.”

Jongin nods, releasing his tight grip on her arm, and falls back against the car seat. Krystal runs her fingers through her hair several times as she takes a few calming breaths herself before looking at him again, more composed but voice dropped down to a whisper.

“Are you gay?”

“No. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been attracted to, actually.”

She visibly relaxes at this, and Jongin only now realizes that she probably had a moment where she felt like she was nothing but an experiment to him. Pain hits him in the gut that he’s making her question his sincerity in trying to date her.

“When did it start?”

“There wasn’t a traditional… start, per se. But I first kissed him backstage at an SMTOWN concert.”

“How long ago?”

“…the end of 2013.”

Krystal exhales sharply, as though she’s been struck right in the chest, and her eyes drop back to her lap. She’s quiet for a minute before turning back to him, tears slowly dripping down her cheeks. Her eyes roam across Jongin’s face with a tenderness that has him gulping.

“Okay,” she says softly. “I want to hear more, I want to know everything, but not right now if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” he whispers back, hoping she really means it, that they really will talk again. They sit in silence while Jongin wonders if he’s now lost his best friend on top of his boyfriend, leaving him devoid of the two most important people in his life.

But then Krystal speaks again, shyly. “Can I just… just once… can I kiss you goodbye like I’ve always wanted to? I know it won’t mean anything to you, but it’d mean the world to me.”

He doesn’t have the heart to deny her this one simple request, so wordlessly, he agrees with a small nod. Carefully, with trembling hands, Krystal crosses the distance between them and strokes his hair lovingly, letting her fingertips gently caress the curve of his ear. Pulling him forward lightly, she tilts her head and kisses him softly. The touch of her lips is so full of care, it’s a markedly better kiss than the nervous one he’d just attempted a few minutes earlier. As she’s pulling away, Jongin glimpses a brief insight into what they might have had, in another time or another life: a simple, quiet love. But without question, his heart is still beating for that passionate fire, that surge of yearning, that rush of anticipation for luscious, heart-shaped lips and the smile that lights up his world.

“Thank you,” she whispers. Krystal clears her throat and composes herself again. “Give me a little time, til my concerts are done, to sort myself out, and then let’s meet up again?”

“Sure.” Another apology dies on his lips, knowing she doesn’t want his pity, but Jongin feels like shit, pulling her down into the pit of misery he’s been living in. He knows firsthand how much rejection hurts from someone you’ve cared for for years.

As she starts to go she hesitates outside the car, debating with herself about whether to say more. Jongin looks at her quizzically as she stands up, bends down to talk, then stands up again. Finally, the urge to say what’s on her mind wins out.

“You’ve told me things he’s said to you, and I was appalled but… now that I know it’s him…” she trails off. Then looking him dead in the eye, she says seriously, “Well, it changes things. Nini, you know him. Kyungsoo wouldn’t say anything cruel without a really, really good reason. Just… keep that in mind. When you interact with him, what feels more real: those words or his actions?”

With that cryptic line, she throws him a sad smile and disappears into the building.

When he crawls into bed that night, Jongin mulls over the fact that there IS a disparity between Kyungsoo’s words and actions. He’s not sure what to conclude, but the gears in his mind start turning, trying to make sense of it all. For the first time since their break up, he feels a genuine spark of hope. He’s been so gruff with the elder, and that hasn’t helped him move on (not even an inch, now that he’s being honest with himself). Nor has his hostility deterred Kyungsoo from doing those small acts of kindness on stage (and off, when Jongin has allowed it). Maybe he shouldn’t be second-guessing all of that after all? Perhaps it’s time to try a different tactic, starting tomorrow...

\---------------------------------------------

Flying back and forth to North America and Korea is truly exhausting, Kyungsoo decides. And it’s amazing how far apart the cities are within one country, even. At least this is their last leg. He settles into a chair at the airport, waiting to board their plane to Chicago. Browsing his phone for the latest news on dramas and movies, he notes that Song Joongki’s new drama is set to air in a week. He quickly sends a text to the group chat he has with Jo Insung, Lee Kwangsoo, and Joongki, wishing his sunbae the best as the drama gets started and promising to catch up with all of them soon, once he’s back in the country. He’s busy reading Insung’s quick response ( _‘Soo-ah has all the fun, globetrotting all the time ^^’_ ) and Kwangsoo’s snappy reply ( _‘Aren’t you supposed to be filming_ The King _right now, hyung? Get back to work! Don’t listen to him, Soo-ah: We know you’re working hard – harder than the rest of us! Come play soon after you’re back!’)_ , when someone plops down in the chair next to him.

Kyungsoo looks up to acknowledge the person and does a double-take. It’s Jongin. The dancer is doing his best to appear casual about his choice of seat, but failing epically in the singer’s eyes. Jongin rummages through his paper bag and pulls out a water bottle. After he takes a swig, he tips the bottle in Kyungsoo’s direction, silently offering him a sip. Speechless, the elder tries not to look as shocked as he feels and reaches out to accept the bottle. His hand brushes the younger’s inadvertantly (or at least unconsciously…) and he startles, accidentally spilling a little on himself. Kyungsoo mutters a curse and tries to brush off the droplets. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jongin suppress a playful smile.

“I thought I was the clumsy one, hyung,” he teases as he stands to get some napkins from a nearby food stand.

As he watches the dancer walk in front, hips swaying with that infamous swagger the boy has, Kyungsoo tries to swallow his surprise and starts gulping the water, suddenly very thirsty. Jongin comes back and hands him the napkins nonchalantly, retrieving the water bottle back and taking another sip. He recaps it and puts it away before slouching down in his chair like this is the most natural thing in the world to do, despite the fact that they haven’t voluntarily sat next to each other in over a month.

Kyungsoo’s trying to decide what to say or do about this sudden change in behavior, but the airline agent is summoning them to board the plane now. They stand together and shuffle over to the gate. As Kyungsoo stores his stuff in the overhead bin, Jongin brushes past him, chest and hips grazing his backside for a second, or two, or three… before sliding into the seat next to his. The action causes the singer to freeze.

“Okay, what’s going on?” Kyungsoo inquires while trying to tame the spark of warmth he feels flaring up inside.

“What? Oh, Yeol asked me to switch seats with him. He said he wanted to chat with Baekhyun,” Jongin states matter-of-factly, pulling out the flight magazine and perusing it.

The older whips around and spots Chanyeol a few rows up, animatedly sharing some story with Baek and conveniently ignoring his attempts to get the giant’s attention. Frustrated, Kyungsoo ruffles his hair. This shouldn’t be a big deal: he’s been around Jongin plenty since they broke up, albeit purposefully keeping as much distance as possible, but he’s gotten so accustomed to Jongin blowing him off and being rude even when he’s trying to be nice that this sudden change in friendliness has him uneasy about keeping his emotions in check. _‘Okay, there’s no need to panic. This is good, right? Maybe he’s ready to be friends… you can do this. You can—'_

As Kyungsoo settles into his seat, he makes the mistake of looking over at the younger boy. The sunlight shining through the window backlights Jongin’s skin, giving it a warm glow, and his dark hair shimmers with slight traces of his previous brown dye job still detectable in some spots, reflecting light almost like a halo over the boy’s head. Jongin pouts slightly in concentration as he tries to decode the English writing in the magazine article he’s looking at, and Kyungsoo has to stop himself from reaching out to run his thumb across the younger’s full bottom lip.

He snaps his head forward to look at the seat in front of him. _‘Okay, maybe you can’t do this right now. No looking. Just… just go to sleep. Yes, sleep. Everyone sleeps on planes.’_ He pulls out his headphones from his bag and starts to put the earbuds in, but there’s a warm hand on his wrist that stops him.

“I thought maybe we could talk for a minute?” Jongin asks.

“About what?” Kyungsoo hopes his eyes aren’t betraying his surprise.

“About _Peter Pan_. You know, the intros we do. I feel like we maybe need to switch it up again for the final North American shows.”

He hopes his sigh of relief goes undetected. A simple work discussion: that should be no problem. “Okay, what’d you have in mind?”

Jongin shifts excitedly in his seat, turning completely toward the older and leaning a bit on their shared armrest. “Well, I think we’ve gotta do Michael Jackson in New York.”

Kyungsoo laughs. “MJ? That’s out of my league.”

“It is not, your dancing is glorious, hyung.”

Kyungsoo feels his face flush from the compliment and the lopsided smile the dancer’s giving him. Clearing his throat, he tries for light humor as a distraction from the heat that continues to grow inside him. “I don’t know, I’m not exactly confident in my moonwalking.”

Jongin chuckles and makes an X with his arms. “No, no moonwalking. Maybe more like his iconic hip thrusting or something,” the younger says, unconsciously giving an example in his seat.

Kyungsoo tears his eyes away from Jongin’s crotch and replies, “Uh, sure, maybe. I’m really tired so I’m going to go to sleep now, but you can tell me more about it later.” Hastily, he finishes putting his earbuds in before the dancer has a chance to say anything more or heaven forbid continue to dance in his seat and set Kyungsoo on fire in the process. The plane takes off into the clouds, and he settles into dreamland.

.

.

.

Kyungsoo wakes up from a very restful slumber and almost doesn’t want to move from his comfortable position. It’s so soft and warm and… wait a minute, he’s on a plane. Plane sleep is NEVER this comfortable. His eyes fly open as he realizes what he’s done. In the midst of his dreaming, he’s leaned to his right and draped himself all over Jongin’s left shoulder and arm. Internally scolding his body for betraying him and drifting into the younger’s personal space, he slowly sits upright hoping that maybe the dancer fell asleep first and is ignorant of his trespassing.

No such luck. Jongin lets out a sleepy groan. “Why’d you move? I was comfortable. You were keeping me warm, hyung.” Without opening his eyes, the younger snuggles in closer, moving halfway into the other’s seat. (When did the armrest between them get put up?) The taller sinks down a bit, his whole side now glued to Kyungsoo’s, and lays his head down on the older boy’s shoulder with his nose resting just alongside the singer’s collarbone. Instinctively, Kyungsoo’s body shifts to accommodate the new position, and the dancer coos in satisfaction. Kyungsoo feels his heart rate skyrocket, doing double-time compared to Jongin’s rhythmic breathing now fanning across his sensitive skin along the column of his neck.

Warning alarms go off in his head. This isn’t just friendly behavior. It’s too intimate, too reminiscent of how they’d cuddle after—

“Jongin,” he startles himself and the younger boy with his sudden outburst. “I’ve, um, gotta go to the bathroom.” Shit, with arousal on his mind, Kyungsoo thinks that almost sounds like an invitation for mile high se— “I mean, I need to stretch my legs.” Quickly, the singer unbuckles his seat belt and hops up to start pacing in the plane.

After a few laps around the main cabin which do nothing to actually settle him down, he does go to the restroom. Standing in front of the mirror, he stares at his still flushed expression. Geez, he hasn’t masturbated in weeks and all the pent up sexual tension is completely messing him up now. “Get a grip,” he growls at himself. _‘Blame your libido all you want: you know that’s not the only reason you’re so flustered right now,’_ an insulted inner voice chides.

His aching heart knows it’s true. Sure, Jongin is always physically tempting, but it’s the emotional element that really has him in a tizzy. What’s brought on this sudden change in the younger’s behavior, the sudden kindness and closeness? All Kyungsoo knows is that it was a lot easier to keep his feelings for the boy underwraps when the dancer was pushing him away. The fact that Jongin hadn’t wanted the attention that he’d been showing him (both openly on stage and secretively off-stage) naturally neutralized the tender emotions from running away into something deeper and more dangerous. A receptive or even proactive Jongin, though? Fuck, Kyungsoo has no experience keeping him at bay; he’d always happily surrendered to any emotional advances from the younger boy. The one and only exception was when he broke up with him on the roof. His harsh words there were supposed to have done the trick, turned Jongin against him and severed the dancer’s infatuation. _‘Maybe it wasn’t just infatuation. Maybe his anger has finally run out of steam and he misses you because he actually loves—‘_

“URGH,” Kyungsoo groans aloud, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. Wishful thinking isn’t going to get him anywhere. Not to mention, even if that was the case, which it’s most likely NOT, other things still haven’t changed. The indirect danger for the other EXO members, the threats from the VP to ruin Jongin’s career and self-worth, the impossibility of being parents in Korea…

With a deep sigh, Kyungsoo checks his watch. There’s still 4 hours left before they land. He can’t hide out in the bathroom for that long; heck, he’s been in here too long already. Still without a gameplan, he trudges back to his seat.

While he’s been gone, food service arrived. Good, at least he doesn’t have to worry about sleeping arrangements now. The cabin is filled with noises of passenger’s utensils scrapping the last bits of their bowls; huh, the food must have come out awhile ago. Jongin is playing a game on his phone, his food covered and untouched in front of him on the tray table. As Kyungsoo retakes his seat, the younger flashes him a weak smile.

“Why aren’t you eating? Are you not feeling well?” The older can’t seem to help himself as his brow furrows in concern and he reaches out to feel Jongin’s forehead with the back of his hand, checking for fever.

The dancer’s small smile grows to a full-grown grin as he lets the older fuss over him before emitting a small laugh. “I’m fine, hyung. I was just waiting for you to come back before getting started so you wouldn’t have to eat alone.”

Embarrassed, Kyungsoo pulls back and turns his attention to his own plate. “Oh. Thanks,” he says quietly. He uncovers his food and waits for Jongin to do the same before digging in simultaneously.

In between mouthfuls, the younger explains, “I wasn’t sure if you planned to sleep some more or not, so I asked for them to leave you water **and** coffee. Hope that’s okay.”

Kyungsoo hums in appreciation. Sleeping still seems like a dangerous activity given what happened earlier, so he clarifies, “I’m probably going to stay awake. Try to adjust to the time zone change to minimize the jetlag.”

“Sure. Want to watch a movie together then?” Jongin’s suggestion seems casual enough. A movie – friends watch movies all the time.

“Okay.”

They pick a recent American drama that neither of them has seen yet. Jongin insists they cue up the movie on their in-flight entertainment screens at the exact same time. “Otherwise you’ll be reacting or I’ll be reacting a second before the other can, and it’ll be distracting. It’ll ruin the whole experience!” They make a few attempts with them counting down in unison before pressing their screens to start it up. After the third do-over, Kyungsoo’s ready to throw in the towel, joking, “We can’t seem to get it right - I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“NO. We can do this!” Jongin insists with such enthusiasm the older just laughs at the focused look on the boy’s face, tongue poking out the side of his mouth in concentration. With his own finger poised over his personal screen in front of him, the younger gets an idea and suddenly grabs Kyungsoo’s finger, moving it toward the older’s screen to relaunch the movie at the beginning. “Look, I’ll guide you. We’ll start again. Together.” The singer stills at the touch, a bit mesmerized from the assuredness in Jongin’s grasp and words. Kyungsoo just watches the other, letting him move his hand at will. “Three, two, one.” With Jongin in control and maneuvering both their fingers to their respective screens to hit the reset button, the movie starts up in perfect sync. Gratified at this victory, the boy beams at Kyungsoo, who can’t resist smiling back.

Jongin drops his voice a little as he says meaningfully, “See? I told you we could do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * The Kaistal date had been on Feb 17; EXO flew out of Incheon to Chicago on [Feb 18,](http://dailyexo.tumblr.com/post/139519089730/kai-160218-incheon-airport-departing-for) here’s a media pic of Kai that day with his brown paper bag in hand
>   * Here’s [Kaisoo doing Michael Jackson moves](https://youtu.be/DCfhjZcjFLY?t=17s) at the start of Peter Pan in NYC on Feb 21, as per their discussion here
> 

> 
> Sorry for all the cheesiness on the airplane and total lack of subtly in the double meaning of their closing dialogue; I’m out of practice writing fluffy Kaisoo right now OTL I know this might feel like a filler chapter and we’re all anxious for them to just kiss and make-up already, but that wouldn’t be realistic AND I figure it’d be whiplash to go from the intense angst of Ch 21-23 to suddenly everything being puppies and rainbows. I hope you enjoyed this lighter side of them slowly circling back though!
> 
> Talk to me in the comments! <3


	25. A Shift in Atmospheric Pressure

NA Exo'rdium Tour

The next few days are kind of surreal. Kai actually initiates interactions with D.O., tickling him from behind on stage in Chicago. Kyungsoo tolerates it until it gets to be a bit much and finally gets a few harsh pokes into the other’s shoulder before they let it lie, but it leaves him in smiles. His heart swells being back in the other’s good graces. The singer’s still not sure what changed Jongin’s attitude all of a sudden, but he’s not complaining. They’re not given seats next to each other on the flight to New York, as Kyungsoo’s in a row with Sehun and Jaehyuk, but he hears Jongin bullying the maknae into switching with him right before they board the plane.

“Geez, pulling age on me? What’s your problem, Jongin?” Sehun grumbles while shuffling around to get to the other row with Chanyeol and Jongdae.

“Sehunnie, come here and help me decide which pics to upload to Instagram!” calls the giant, pulling the maknae into a brotherly hug and into their row.

Jongin just sticks his tongue out at the younger before settling down in the aisle seat next to Kyungsoo who’s sitting in the center. Jaehyuk, in the window seat, observes this and raises an eyebrow at Kyungsoo. _‘Should I intervene?’_ he seems to be asking.

The singer subtly waves him off. _‘It’s okay.’_ The manager frowns a little but returns to his phone and doesn’t say anything. It’s a short flight.

Jongin turns excitedly to Kyungsoo. “Hyung, I listened to the new Station song you did, and I LOVE – oh. Hi Jaehyuk-hyung.” The dancer’s tone drops almost all semblance of friendliness as he addresses the manager.

Kyungsoo turns to see why Jaehyuk got such a cold greeting and notices that the manager is scowling at Jongin, despite the older boy’s reassurance that he can stay out of things right now.

“Jongin-ah, I believe you were assigned a different seat.” Jaehyuk’s tone makes it clear this isn’t an observation but a reproach.

“I’m sorry, am I really not allowed to _talk_ to someone who is _just_ another group member of mine? I can’t so much as make _friendly_ conversation on a plane, out of view from the press and other prying eyes?” There’s a bit too much bite in Jongin’s words, and the accusation being leveled at Jaehyuk is pretty blatant. This newfound audacity leaves Kyungsoo somewhat dumbstruck.

Quickly recovering, Kyungsoo intervenes, reminding them both in a calm voice, “We’re blending in right now and no one here wants to cause a scene. Everything’s fine, and we’re about to take off, so... let’s just fly to New York in peace, right?” He turns to the manager so Jongin can’t see him and sends him a questioning look, mouthing, _‘What are you doing? Leave it alone.’_

His mediation seems to work as Jaehyuk goes back to his phone after one last wary look at Jongin.

The dancer scowls at the manager once he’s not looking but then turns his attention back on Kyungsoo and relaxes a little. “As I was saying, the song you did with Yoo Youngjin is great. You sound so amazing, hyung.”

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo gulps, trying to keep the tips of his ears from turning red especially under the watchful gaze of the manager who seems overly zealous to ‘help’ him avoid Jongin today. He decides to change the focus back onto the other to avoid that (and familiar deep emotions from bubbling back up). “You did a great job throughout Choco Bank; the last episode the other day was especially cute.”

Jongin seems shocked. “You watched my webdrama?”

Shit, Kyungsoo hadn’t meant to give away that much, just to shift attention away from himself to escape that eternal encourager role Jongin likes to play which melts his heart so much. He reaches for a joke as a diversion. “Well, yeah. You’re the one who doesn’t watch the members’ individual projects. The rest of us pretty regularly keep up with what’s going on,” he teases.

Jongin whines. ( _‘Damn it, why’s he so adorable when he’s whiny.’)_ “Hyuuuung, you say that but I’ve either watched your projects or didn’t need to because I heard you practice the lines countless times and knew you’d be great.”

“Well if that’s true, I guess we’ll see with _Pure Love._ You never heard me read lines for that, so by your logic you should see that one. It comes out this weekend, you know. Are you going to see it?” He’s mostly just bantering, but a small part of him keens for Jongin’s approval.

The younger boy drops his eyes to his hands and he fidgets. “I don’t know. I have mixed feelings about that particular project…”

The silence that follows is stifling. After a few seconds, Jaehyuk breaks the awkward atmosphere with a bossy interjection. “Speaking of _Pure Love_ , don’t forget that right after we get back, you’ve got stage greetings at various theaters for the opening shows, Kyungsoo. Your schedule is full from the moment we land until we fly out to Indonesia on the 26th.”

“Okay. Thanks,” he acknowledges.

Jongin grumbles something to himself that sounds an awful lot like, “you work too much,” but Kyungsoo chooses to ignore it. They spend the next hour of the short flight engaged in their own distractions of music and reading material, until Jongin pokes his cheek to get his attention. “Have you been listening to the new Bieber album?” the younger asks.

“No, actually. I haven’t had time…” he says with chagrin, knowing he’s only feeding more truth into Jongin’s earlier line about him working too much.

But the dancer doesn’t harp on it, simply nodding. “Here – I’ve been listening to this one a lot lately.” He removes his left earphone and gently fixes it in Kyungsoo’s left ear so that they’re now sharing the headphones that are plugged into the younger’s phone. Jongin’s fingers ghost along the shell of his ear and down the cord of his neck as he pulls away, causing Kyungsoo to shiver. He tries to cover it up with a cough while the dancer [cues up the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NywWB67Z7zQ).

_“What do you mean? Oh, oh_  
_When you nod your head yes_  
_But you wanna say no_  
_What do you mean? Hey-ey_  
_When you don't want me to move_  
_But you tell me to go_  
_What do you mean?”_

Kyungsoo takes an unsteady breath as the meaning settles in. He feels Jongin’s stare boring into the side of his face, carefully watching for his reaction. He turns to meet the younger’s eyes, which are filled with warmth and purpose. _‘He’s… figuring me out.’_ This realization is thrilling. And terrifying. Maybe he’s been more obvious than he thought. His mind can’t sort through what all this means though, because their eyes are locked together in that all-too-familiar way, with a force beyond either of them sucking them into a dizzying eddy of emotion. Kyungsoo’s drowning in the heaviness of it all, feeling his eyelids droop without permission as he’s falling forward…

Just before their noses touch, a flight attendant chirps from the aisle, “Would anyone like some water before we land?”

Kyungsoo jerks back, earbud popping out from the jolting motion, and squeaks out a little too loudly, “Yes please!” His throat is so dry, he guzzles the water quickly. Jongin also accepts a glass, much more smoothly than the older. Settled back in their own personal spaces now, Kyungsoo doesn’t dare make eye contact with the younger again.

Suddenly, he feels his left elbow get bumped on the arm rest. Jongin has casually perched his right elbow on the arm rest in between their seats as he reads the same in-flight magazine from a few days ago. Kyungsoo dismisses the light bump as an accident, but then the younger boy is slowly sliding his arm forward and gradually shoving Kyungsoo’s arm off the rest completely. In shock, the singer looks up to see a mischevious smirk on the other’s face. _‘This brat,’_ he thinks with endless amusement. Feeling a stupid sense of competitiveness, he stretches his limbs upward for a moment before bringing his left elbow down swiftly and knocking Jongin’s arm off the rest completely in a surprise attack. The dancer chuckles and the next minute is spent with them each jockeying for more territory on the arm rest. Jongin’s not afraid to play dirty, and he tickles the older’s ribs, causing him to spazz sideways into Jaehyuk while the younger boy gloats over his victory, clutching the seat divider with a death grip and laughing at Kyungsoo’s posture, one hand covering his ribs protectively and the other up in “stop” motion to intercept any further attempts at tickling.

Jaehyuk clears his throat and in a low, firm tone growls out, “STOP. FLIRTING.”

Kyungsoo’s not sure if it’s directed at him, at Jongin, or at them both, but he’s suitably cowed. Lowering his head, he packs his stuff up in his carry-on bag under the seat in front of him as the pilot is announcing their imminent landing anyhow. When he sits back up, Jongin has raised the arm rest, perhaps to remove the temptation of sparring again. Or maybe for different intentions, as he feels the boy’s warm, muscular thigh snug up against his as the dancer spreads out a bit in his seat...

As they’re deplaning, Jongin skips down the jetway a few feet in front of Kyungsoo, who’s followed by their manager. Maybe the older’s eyes have wandered a little too far south on the bouncing figure in front of him, or maybe it’s just because of what’s already happened on the flight, but something spurs Jaehyuk to lean in from behind the singer. He whispers in a warning tone, “Kyungsoo, what are you—“

“Not now. I know,” he hisses back. Kyungsoo knows exactly what the manager is going to say, going to remind him about, and he just doesn’t want to think about it in this moment. Not when Jongin is turning around to make sure Kyungsoo’s still there and flashing him one of his sweetest smiles, which he returns automatically. Is it really so wrong for Kyungsoo to feed his own soul for a little while, to let his starved heart enjoy a few morsels of affection from the boy who means the world to him? (Probably. But the weight of reality has no hold on him right now when his heart’s still soaring high above the clouds.)

Jetlag be damned; Kyungsoo decides that he likes flying after all.

\---------------------------------------

Jongin is thrilled with how well things turned out in the final North American tour leg. Once he started treating Soo like a friend, the other responded incredibly well. Okay, to be fair, the dancer might have aimed for slightly-more-than friendly intimacy. Even friendly gestures like sharing a water bottle were really ploys to get indirect kisses via contact with the mouth of the bottle. ( _‘Don’t judge me, I haven’t had those glorious lips directly on mine in 6 weeks now,’_ he argues with the teasing voice in his head.)

He’s tickled that Kyungsoo went through with his proposal to do Michael Jackson moves in New York during Peter Pan. It was even the older’s idea to tip their hats down in “Smooth Criminal” style to complete the homage. Goofing around like this made it almost feel like old times. It’s not happening over night, but it seems like each interaction, no matter how brief, is like taking one step closer to each other.

He notices Jaehyuk hovering around Kyungsoo a little more than usual now, though, which makes him resent the manager more than he already does as the man successfully thwarts some of his attempts to be near his hyung. Almost as if the manager anticipates Jongin’s plan to sit with the singer on the long plane ride home to Seoul, the dancer finds himself paired off with Junmyeon while Kyungsoo is assigned to sit with Jaehyuk himself near the front of the plane. The younger boy pouts upon this discovery, but he isn’t quite bold enough to actually request his leader to try and switch seats with Kyungsoo (and he knows trying to swap with Jaehyuk is a lost cause). He mopes through much of the flight, settling on trying to sleep through as many hours as possible and agreeing with some grumbles to practice his English one more time with the leader. Junmyeon has gotten really good at the tricky language, and they’ve still got another stop in Indonesia next week where it’ll be useful. Jongin reminds the leader that it’s not like he’s a talkative guy to begin with, so he doesn’t really need to learn a lot more, but Junmyeon tuts back.

“It’s not just a good skill for ments, Jongin-ah. It can come in handy in the future for all kinds of other things, both personally and professionally. You need to take a long-term view of it.”

The younger boy groans. “Why does everyone think I don’t understand the concept of long-term consequences? I promise, I get it.”

His leader chuckles. “Sorry, I guess we just still see you as the dongsaeng who will overwork himself in pursuit of perfection not realizing that you’re going to end up injured and then unable to perform at all. But I’m not trying to sound overly negative here: you’re _passionate_ , Jongin, and that’s a gift. Not everyone has that kind of fire. You just have to learn how to manage it, when to let it blaze and when to make it simmer. Sometimes the slow burn of steady, devoted efforts gives you better results in the long run.”

Jongin ponders this, not just with respect to his work but to the beautiful pale-skinned boy sitting a few rows up, bundled up in a hoodie and sleeping on his seat tray. “I can harness it. I can be more strategic when I need to be, and just… stronger all around. I know I can.”

Junmyeon smiles, proud someone’s actually taking his philosophizing to heart for once. “I believe in you. Now let’s review more English synonyms for ‘excited.’”

\-------------------------------------

From the moment their plane gets into Seoul, Kyungsoo’s schedule is packed, just like Jaehyuk reminded him. Just as he’s purposefully set it up, weeks in advance, to keep him out of the dorm and away from Jongin as much as possible. This was all designed to make things easier, to speed up the healing process, and to help him keep his mind off of the dancer.

It’s not working.

His imagination constantly replays their special moments from the past several days. The tickling, the teasing, the general goofing around. “Flirting” is how Jaehyuk had characterized it. _“It’s dangerous and stupid, especially when it’s off stage. I know it’s been hard, being without him, but… you know what’s at stake, for you both. What’s gotten into you?”_ the manager had berated the singer on the long flight home from North America. He’d opted to curl up and sleep for the duration of the flight after that.

To be fair, Kyungsoo’s not sure what he’s doing. He knows the manager’s warnings are coming from a place of care and concern. But he’s happy for the first time since the Gayo Daejun, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. A selfish part of him just wants to hold on for as long as he can, the sensible side of him reminding him this can’t last forever.

While he’s been busy during _Pure Love_ ’s opening weekend, it seems that Jongin’s back has started acting up again. The dancer hasn’t said anything to anyone, but in rehearsals in Jakarta, Kyungsoo notices the little signs of the younger favoring one side over the other and not bending quite as fluidly as he normally would. He’s just about to intervene when Jongin stops on his own and requests a break. _‘Well that’s… new,’_ the older muses. It’s good to see him recognizing his limits for once.

On stage that night, Kyungsoo goes through his usual routine during “Lucky.” Behind the paper partition, he strips himself of his Peter Pan polo shirt first, grabbing the pink button down and hastily getting to work on the buttons, starting at the top. He’s got to be ready to pop up and sing his end of the first verse with his shirt done up so that he’s presentable. (He’s never been comfortable showing much skin to broad audiences.) Just before the backlight comes on and it’s his turn to sing above the paper, Kyungsoo finishes the top three buttons. Good enough. As he sings, he notices further down the line that Kai is requiring Chen’s help to get his shirt on swiftly. _‘His waist must really be bothering him,’_ he worries.

After they break through the paper, Kyungsoo notices Kai’s shirt is still not buttoned around the top. Now, most of the guys don’t button the final top button like he does, but the top two buttons are both undone on Jongin, offering the audience a very generous view of the gorgeous bronze skin underneath. A little _too_ generous of a view for Kyungsoo’s liking. Without asking permission, D.O. walks over to Kai at the end of the song, yanks his shirt together, and smoothly does up the second button in a flash. It’s not the first time Kyungsoo’s dressed the younger boy, and unbidden, memories of a late night award’s party in China years ago flood back to him…

 

They’d been tipsy, all of EXO had, making it relatively easy for the two to sneak away to the restroom together. Normally, they’d adhere to certain precautions for a quick hook up in such a public place, a critical one being to NOT remove any clothing, but that night, Kyungsoo just had to see, to touch, to taste more of Jongin than what those normal boundaries would allow. The vision of Jongin as a writhing mess up against the stall wall was more than worth it. When they finally realized the time and were scrambling to rejoin the group, the younger boy simply couldn’t get his fingers to cooperate with his suit’s shirt or tie. Already finished redressing and fastening his bow tie, Kyungsoo had giggled at the dancer’s fumbling and teased, “You alright there?”

Still panting, Jongin replied honestly, “No. Fuck, you’re too good. I need more recovery time.” Arms dropping back down to his sides, Jongin gave up and just leaned back against the wall trying to come back down completely from his high.

Kyungsoo stepped forward and reassured him, “It’s alright. I’ve got you.” Kissing him gently, the older started buttoning his shirt from top to bottom, going by feel as his eyes had naturally fallen shut while affectionately pressing their swollen, pillowy lips together. While their earlier activities were a bit more carnal, this process of redressing Jongin was full of tenderness. Kyungsoo felt his heartbeat quickening again, for different reasons this time. The more their mouths danced together as if in a slow, romantic waltz, the more the love inside him swelled and threatened to spill out from his lips in a confession.

Finished with the buttons, Kyungsoo pulled back slightly to retrieve the tie from the younger’s hand. Looping it around Jongin's neck, the older boy paused. Jongin was gazing at him with such fondness and awe that those three little words almost slipped out. Scared of revealing too much verbally, Kyungsoo tugged on the tie ends to pull the taller boy down for a blazing, heartfelt kiss. After savoring the perfect fit of their mouths locked together again, and wishing they had more time, Kyungsoo reluctantly broke the kiss and skillfully tied a half-Windsor knot for the younger.

“Thanks,” Jongin whispered, taking the singer’s face in his hands and carefully brushing his fringe down in the relaxed style it’d been in before his unruly hands had mussed it up in the midst of their passion. Kyungsoo hummed in acknowledgement as Jongin bent down to steal a chaste kiss off his lips, dragging his nose up along the shorter boy’s cheek to his forehead afterward and leaving one more reverential peck there before they turned and left the stall…

 

_‘Then would have been a good time to tell him,’_ Kyungsoo reflects morosely, back in the present and experiencing the clarity of 20/20 vision when it comes to hindsight. Well, the show must go on. D.O. gets back into the concert, singing 3.6.5.

As the night drags on, though, it becomes increasingly obvious that Jongin’s back is _really_ bothering him. Kyungsoo tries to help him whenever he can, and the dancer realizes it, wandering over to him for help to remove his jacket after the Growl set. During the final ment, Kyungsoo can’t help himself. He reaches over and undoes the younger’s inner ear monitor and whispers, “I’m worried about your back. You need to take it easy for a while.”

Jongin nods half-heartedly. “I’m serious, when we get home, sleep for days like only you can,” Kyungsoo insists. This gets a laugh from Jongin. He leans over to whisper back to him, but the singer misjudges which direction he’s going to go and almost bumps faces in an accidental kiss, pulling back at the last second to narrowly avoid it.

“Only if you join me,” the younger says. Kyungsoo almost chokes at the implication but pulls his mind out of the gutter as he laughs nervously. Did Jongin _mean_ to be suggestive or is it just the singer who keeps reading too much into things? “You need to rest too, hyung,” the dancer continues. Kyungsoo nods and doesn’t trust himself to say anything more.

What IS he doing? Jaehyuk is right: Kyungsoo is just flirting with disaster if he doesn’t cut this kind of talk off. His mind keeps racing to places it’s not supposed to go, to rooms in his heart that he’s tried to board up with bright yellow warning tape across them screaming KEEP OUT and DO NOT DISTURB. Aside from ripping into his own wounds, Kyungsoo is only leading Jongin on if he lets them continue the way they are unchecked. Plus, every incident is one more that might get back to the VP and then who knows where they’ll be. With a heavy sigh, he gets changed after the concert and walks over to Jongin. “Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?”

The hope in the younger’s eyes doubles the guilt Kyungsoo is feeling. He averts his gaze and prays Jongin reads between the lines before he even has to tell him. “Sure, hyung.” They wander out to the backstage hallways but Kyungsoo stops before they get any real privacy, just moving a few feet away from the dressing room door.

Running his hand through his hair, the older keeps his eyes on the ground as he starts. “Um, I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore. It’s been nice to talk more… normally around each other this past week. But I’m a little concerned you might misunderstand my intentions here, given some of the things you’ve said. As much as I’d like for us to be friends again, I’m, uh, a little worried that maybe it’s too soon for that. To be friends again,” he reiterates.

Jongin doesn’t say anything, and finally Kyungsoo looks at him, curiosity overwhelming his fear of how he’s taking it. Oddly enough, the younger looks blank bordering on pensive as he studies Kyungsoo. Maybe the singer totally misread the situation; oh geez, maybe he’s been the only one flirting and Jongin was only trying to be friendly. He feels his face flush and is about to take back everything he just said when Jongin finally chimes in:

“What if I don’t want to be friends?”

After flinching in shock at the blunt confession, Kyungsoo assembles his actor face and steels himself. “Well, that’s all the more reason then that we need to put some distance between us. Things haven’t changed from before, Jongin. I told you—“

“I know what you _said_ ,” the boy interrupts. “So spare me the speech. I’m just not sure what I believe anymore. I don’t know if you’re lying to me, lying to yourself, or if I’m just crazy.” Mercifully, he doesn’t demand a response from the elder. Jongin pushes off the wall and walks away, clearly bothered but still collected enough to go right back into the dressing room with the other members.

Kyungsoo, on the other hand, goes to the bathroom to splash water on his face as he tries to wash away the guilt of lying to Jongin yet again. _‘You’re not crazy. I’m sorry, Jongin… I’m sorry I do such a shitty job of hiding it.’_

\------------------------------------------------

Jongin waits in the dessert shop, leg shaking nervously. It’s the first time they’ll be seeing each other since their last disastrous meeting, and he’s honestly surprised Krystal texted him requesting to get together, even if she’d said she would. f(x) just got back from their Japanese tour, and she messaged him right away, asking him to meet her tonight at this out-of-the-way, late night eatery. “It’s not dinner, and it’s not a date. Just friends getting together,” she’d clarified. He’ll feel better about it once they’re actually talking, he reasons, wishing she’d just arrive already.

The door chimes and she breezes in, hair hidden in a bun tucked into a beanie. Her choice to dress down so casually helps Jongin let out the breath he’d been holding. “Hey, did you already order?” she asks.

“No, I was waiting for you.”

“Okay. I highly recommend their ice creams,” she says nonchalantly, ordering a scoop of pistachio and paying before coming back and sitting down at his table.

It’s subtle, but Jongin appreciates the gesture: ordering first and paying for her own to make it clear that they’re not together, not beholden to each other in any way. Jongin goes and gets a scoop of chocolate before rejoining her at the table.

“How was Japan?” he asks conversationally.

“A lot of fun actually. I never imagined a solo concert would be that enjoyable. Of course, if we were _really_ big shots who had to travel all over the world with the show, I’m sure I’d be singing a different tune.” She shoots him a wry smile. “How’s your jetlag?”

“Meh, I’m alright now. We’re home for several days now, too, which is nice.”

They both focus on eating their ice cream for a minute. Before the atmosphere gets too awkward, Krystal gets right to the point. “Okay, so tell me everything. Or, at least everything you’re comfortable sharing. How’d it all start?”

Even though she hasn’t said his name, it’s obvious what she’s referring to. Jongin hesitates. “Are you really sure you want to talk about this?”

“Yes. And most importantly, I think _you_ really want to talk about it since you haven’t been able to with anyone. So spill. I have things to tell you, too, you know. If I decide it’s appropriate to give up that info on him.” She waggles her eyebrows, and the provocation works as Jongin finds himself dying to know what secrets she might have up her sleeve.

“Alright…” and Jongin lets it all out. He tells her how close they were early on from pre-debut, how he’d had fleeting moments of thinking the singer was cute but didn’t think to much of it, to their cold period where Kyungsoo pulled away, and how he’d finally kissed him after he’d gotten jealous seeing them do their SMTOWN stage for “Goodbye, Summer.”

Krystal can’t contain her laughter. “Are you serious?? Oh my gosh, the irony.” As she cracks up, a tear leaks out the corner of her eye, and Jongin freezes, concerned. She waves him off, “I’m fine. Really, wow. That’s kinda tragically hilarious. You totally owe me one,” she jokes with a wink.

He gives her a pained smile, feeling bad despite her reassurances.  He decides to skip over a large period of time. Clearing his throat, he says, “so that’s kind of where it started, but there was no… confirmation that it was really a relationship per se. I don’t know what it meant to him. We just… um, made out from time to time. Then, something happened around the time Kris left the group and he started avoiding me again. But I kinda forced him to let me back in, and... things were clearer after a while. Like, without officially saying it, we were really _together_ then.”

As she listens, Krystal taps her spoon against her chin as she’s deep in thought, analyzing something. “When was that?”

Jongin drags his spoon through the melted remains of his ice cream, thinking. “I don’t know, fall of 2014 sometime.”

“Okay, so you’d say you were for sure dating from that point through when we had our photoshoot with Taemin that next summer, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So remind me why you broke up shortly after that?”

“Well,” Jongin gulps, “like I told you at the shoot, I was seeing someone, but Kyungsoo always made us hide it. That’s why I couldn’t tell you. And when I confronted him about it, that I wanted to be able to tell other people close to us, he said it wasn’t a good idea and I felt like he wasn’t as serious about us as I was. Honestly, I still think he might not have ever been as— OUCH!” Jongin’s ramblings are interrupted by Krystal punching him in the shoulder. “What was that for??”

“Nini, you blockhead!” she rants but keeps her voice low since they’re in public. “First, I hear you blaming that break up on me since I wanted to know and you couldn’t tell me. But I didn’t know the _real_ situation. Don’t you put that evil on me,” she glares at him playfully, pointing a finger at him. “Second, of COURSE he didn’t think it was a good idea to tell other people. I mean, geez, do you not know what happened to Kim Ji-hoo when he came out?”

Jongin groans and crosses his arms. “Ugh, you sound just like Soo.”

“Well maybe because we’re _sane_ and _realistic_. Look, when I said all that crap about how your girlfriend should be willing to admit your relationship among friends, that was all based on the premise that it was a _girl_ friend. This is a completely different ball of wax. I was totally ignorant: You should have just ignored me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind in the future,” he teases.

This riles Krystal up, her eyes growing wide with playful indignation. She puckers her mouth in irritation and takes the last bit of pistachio ice cream on her spoon before pulling it back and launching it at Jongin.

“Hey!” he splutters before gathering up the clump as best he can from his shirt and without hesitation reaching across and wiping it across the girl’s cheek. She squeaks at the cold sensation and swats at his hand with her spoon. They’re both laughing when suddenly Jongin spots him out of the corner of his eye...

Walking past the big windows of the dessert parlor is Kyungsoo, in between the company of two much taller men. Jongin gradually recognizes them as Jo Insung and Lee Kwangsoo. Insung’s arm is slung around the shorter male, hand resting familiarly on the nape of his neck and thumb brushing along the bottom edge of his hair. Jongin’s eyes immediately flicker back to Kyungsoo’s, and it’s evident that the older boy spotted him first, though how much earlier is unclear. Their eyes stay locked on each other, and everything seems to move in slow motion, as the trio outside continue walking past the dessert parlor. He can’t quite read the emotion in Kyungsoo’s eyes, but he doesn’t stop trying until their eye contact is physically broken by the brick edge of the parlor wall.

Realizing now that he’d been turning on his chair to follow the older boy’s gaze, Jongin turns back around on his seat to face Krystal. She’s staring at him with her own shocked expression.

“Aren’t you going to go after him?”

“And say what. You’re not fully up to speed yet.” He sighs. “I tried what you suggested, focusing on his actions rather than his words, and things were actually good the other week. _Really_ good. I thought maybe we were getting close to getting back together, actually, but then he told me not to ‘misunderstand’ and that maybe ‘we’re not ready to be friends’ yet. And you just saw him there, with _‘Insungie-hyung’_ ,” Jongin squeaks out the nickname in a high-pitched mocking voice with a nasty face to go with it. “Maybe there’s no point. Maybe he really just doesn’t want to be with me…”

Krystal purses her lips and speaks in a hushed tone. “If that were true, he’d be the world's greatest idiot. But there’s no way that’s the case. Your jealousy is blinding you, Nini.” She stands suddenly, still not looking at him. “Forget about Insung. That’s not the problem. I’ll help you more with this later but I… I gotta go right now.”

She turns to take off but Jongin grabs her arm gently. “You okay?” he asks, concerned at her rapid exit.

Krystal slides out of his grip with a hasty, “I will be. Just – I’ll call you later.” And then she’s gone, leaving Jongin alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS of References:
> 
>   * [Kai tickling D.O. during Peter Pan](http://fykaisoo.tumblr.com/post/140130435649/160219-kyungsoo-and-jongin-during) in Chicago on Feb 19
>   * Pure Love’s [official release was 160224](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5615904/combined), right after the NA tour was complete
>   * Here's [D.O. doing up Kai’s shirt in Indonesia](https://www.instagram.com/p/BCTUdAlAOik/) on Feb 27
>   * The flashback Kaisoo scene in China was inspired by their [Youku night interview in Jan 2015 where all of EXO is pretty lit](https://youtu.be/IoMqR47OV-4?t=4s), lol – enjoy the Kaisoo’s dick punching/grabbing right here at the beginning. (If you haven’t watched this vid before, you’re in for a treat with loopy EXO.) Anyway, I made sure Soo’s hairstyle and Jongin’s tie knot descriptions in the fic fit how they were dressed here.
>   * Same concert in Indonesia, [D.O. helping Kai out of his jacket](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jT4buf9qmA) and then [their whispering during the ment](https://youtu.be/8jT4buf9qmA?t=52s) along with the [‘near miss’ kiss at 1:07](https://youtu.be/8jT4buf9qmA?t=1m7s) (the way Soo takes his inner ear monitor out of his own ear does something to me that I can’t even describe, send help, >_<)
>   * F(x) had their concerts [in Japan from Feb 20-28](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F\(x\)_concert_tours)
>   * Kyungsoo went to dinner [with Jo Insung and Song Joongki on Feb 29](http://i.imgur.com/7yrkmZe.jpg) -see the date on the paper signatures- (hot damn, coinciding perfectly with Krystal's return to make this final scene plausible) And I couldn’t find the exact pic I wanted, but some proof that [Insung does like to be kinda touchy with Soo](https://i.imgur.com/C375JZ7.jpg) in the way I described in the fic.
> 

> 
> It had been a while since Kaisoo kissed, haha, so I made sure to fit in some steamy Kaisoo, even if it was just a flashback ^^.
> 
> Enjoyed the flirting? Ever fought over an armrest before? Feeling for Krystal? Any love for Suho trying to be deep and fatherly? (lol) Talk with me in the comments!


	26. Warm But Choppy Winds

Another day, another _Pure Love_ stage greeting. This morning, Kyungsoo is feeling particularly grouchy while in the make-up chair but he tries not to let his foul mood show while the staff member does her best to conceal his undereye circles. “Late night?” she asks genially.

“Not exactly.” He was actually back in the dorm and in bed before midnight, even though he’d gone out to dinner and drinks with his actor friends. The real culprit for his current state was the sleep he hadn’t gotten while replaying the scene in that dessert shop over and over in his mind, starting with Krystal’s unguarded laugh. How Jongin had reciprocated the girl’s ice cream assault with his own so naturally. How they teased and flirted in the same manner. How well-suited they looked together. Kyungsoo shakes his head in an attempt to clear it. Thoughts and feelings tumble violently in his mind, bruising his insides and making himself sore, physically and emotionally. “Sorry I need so much work done,” he says with an apologetic frown to the makeup artist.

“Don’t worry about it. Do you want to keep your glasses again today? They’re better for your tired eyes, you know, and might help reflect light away, too.” Daintly, she slides them on his face and smooths the frames along the side of his head, letting her fingernails graze his shaved sides. “Plus, you look super cute in them,” she whispers with a cheeky wink.

“Ah, yeah, I’ll wear the glasses again,” he replies with a light flush. She probably interprets the pink dusting on his cheeks to shyness when in actuality, the singer just feels second-hand embarrassment for her. _‘Poor thing has no idea she’s barking up the wrong tree… I wonder how often Jongin’s coordi noonas hit on him… STOP IT.’_ Kyungsoo rubs his temples with his fingertips as he tries to quit torturing himself. _‘What Jongin does in his free time is none of your business anymore,’_ he reminds himself forlornly.

.

.

.

The next few weeks pass by quietly. While Kyungsoo isn’t actively avoiding the dancer, he certainly hasn’t seen him much in between his acting schedules. Perhaps Jongin is avoiding _him_. Or maybe he’s being too self-centered: perhaps Jongin is just busy with friends. Or girlfriends. Or whatever. In the dark of night when he can’t sleep due to all the questions running through his head, Kyungsoo keeps making meals and storing them in individual-sized servings. He’s actually had to buy more storage containers recently; the members are all so busy with individual schedules that few are home during the day to consume as much as he’s producing.

Early one morning when he’s overslept his 6am alarm, he startles at seeing Jongin in the kitchen, uncharacteristically awake before sunrise. The dancer nods his head in greeting while yawning and leaning on the counter in front of the microwave as it whirs. “Hey,” Jongin rasps out with a scratchy morning voice. He’s still in pajama pants and bare-chested, his typical ‘just-rolled-out-of-bed appearance’ threatening the singer’s sanity. Kyungsoo chokes out a “Good morning” and moves to toward the foyer to find his shoes right as the microwave beeps off.

“Eat your breakfast first,” Jongin calls from the kitchen, extending the bowl of kimchi spaghetti he’d just finished reheating.

Kyungsoo stills, surprised, and looks up at him. “I don’t usually eat these days before my early morning appointments,” he says, hesitantly, making no move to take the bowl. “Never enough time.”

“I’ve noticed. I think it’s pretty weird you cook all this food yet you never eat it,” Jongin replies with an eyebrow raised in challenge.

Kyungsoo swallows, knowing that directly denying his food prep habits would be more suspicious than just admitting them. “I’m just stress cooking lately. I-I don’t care who eats it,” he lies.

“Sure you don’t,” the younger replies with a disbelieving face as he pulls the bowl back, now convinced the elder won’t accept it. Jongin takes a big bite, slurping the noodles into his mouth and savoring it with a light hum while looking him dead in the eye. Like he’s totally calling the older out on his bullshit, yet openly indulging him at the same time.

“I gotta go. Have a good day,” Kyungsoo whirls around and rushes out the door to prevent Jongin from seeing his reaction. He can’t help the smile that blooms on his face as he rushes down to the garage for the van that’s waiting for him.

“You’re in a good mood this morning. That’s a nice change,” Jaehyuk greets him as he settles in and buckles up.

The singer hums in agreement. “He’s eating the food I’ve been making,” he blurts out.

Jaehyuk snorts and Kyungsoo thinks he spots an amused eyeroll. “Well, it’s good to take pleasure in the little things, I guess,” he says with a sincere smile at him through the rearview mirror.

Kyungsoo doesn’t expect the manager to understand, leaning against the window with a contented grin and enjoying the sun starting to peek over the horizon. _‘He’s letting me love him in the limited way I can…’_

.

.

.

After their early morning conversation in the kitchen, Jongin starts making occasional efforts to interact with him again, catching Kyungsoo off-guard. During their concert in Malaysia, D.O. feels someone sneak attack and tickle him during “3.6.5.” Convinced it’s Chanyeol, he blindly turns to punch the giant only to discover a giggling Kai running away (though not fast enough to dodge the hit). _‘Whoops,’_ the singer feels a small twinge of guilt before shoving it aside, reminding himself that publicly, he shouldn’t treat Kai all that differently than he does the other members, and goodness knows he’d punch any one of them for such a move.

But such rationales still don’t sit right with his heart. Later, he jogs to catch up with Kai and gets in a gentle ‘revenge tickle’ that he hopes, in some stupid way, conveys his apology for being rougher than usual with the dancer.

Perhaps emboldened by the positive interaction, Jongin approaches him later backstage. “Hey, can you check out my shoulder for me?” the dancer asks with a pained expression, rolling his arm in the socket gingerly.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo frowns in concern and takes hold of the arm gently as the younger carefully unbuttons his shirt and slides the sleeve off his shoulder, exposing the golden mocha skin of his neck, shoulder, and a bit of his chest if the older looks at the right angle. (He tries not to, he really does.) Kyungsoo gulps as he inspects the area. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, I’m worried about a nasty bruise. See, some feisty elf overreacted to a simple tickle and punched the shit out of me,” Jongin says dramatically before cracking a huge grin.

Kyungsoo’s jaw drops open as his eyes flare. “You are _shameless_ , Kim Jongin. I should hit you again for this,” he threatens, hand moving on its own accord to pinch the sensitive skin near the taller’s hip and causing the boy to squeak in response to the ticklish gesture. Rather than jumping away, though, the dancer ends up turning into the intimate touch and bumps against Kyunsoo’s chest as he folds in half with a laugh. The elder catches him around the shoulders with the hand that’s not still lingering on his hip, and keeps the dancer from falling to floor. Jongin looks up at him with the most endearing eye smile, and Kyungsoo feels the corners of his mouth tug upward as he drinks in Jongin’s gorgeous face and dazzling smile.

Jaehyuk materializes by their sides suddenly and interrupts in a severe tone. “Kyungsoo, can I have a word with you.”

Like he’s been poked with a hot iron, the singer quickly lifts the dancer back upright and releases him from his arms. Obviously annoyed, Jongin glares at the manager. “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time right now, like, I don’t know, your _actual job_ , or is babysitting Soo now the number one bullet point in your job description?”

Before Jaehyuk can retort, one of the stagehands pops into the room and asks for clarification on which props are supposed to be packed up with the travel team and which are to be disposed of on site. “Watch it, Jongin,” the manager grumbles before turning to go help sort out the confusion with the stagehand. Kyungsoo doesn’t miss the disgruntled look Jaehyuk throws his way before leaving the room.

As Jongin mutters something unflattering at Jaehyuk’s retreating figure, Kyungsoo suddenly feels awful for the manager who’s been his only confidant in this whole mess. And guilty, for letting things continue to get to the point where Jaehyuk has to step in and meddle. Feeling obligated to speak up, the singer addresses Jongin calmly. “Hey, leave Jaehyuk alone, alright? He’s not a bad guy.”

“Sure he’s not,” comes the sarcastic response.

Kyungsoo tries again, firmly. “No really. You don’t understand.”

“How CAN I when you won’t tell me what’s going on?”Jongin accuses, getting heated but trying to calm back down. He speaks in hushed broken thoughts. “One minute, it’s like… but then he pops up and—”

Stunned, Kyungsoo’s not sure what to say but he never gets a chance, anyway.

“Gather in guys!” Junmyeon summons the members for a concert debrief. With an irritated sigh, the dancer walks away first, leaving the older chastising himself again for being weak and showing Jongin too much of his true colors. Having proven that his heart can’t be trusted to hold back anymore, Kyungsoo vows to slide back into the shadows and stop confusing the poor boy. It’s a shame he’s such a crappy actor when it counts.

.

.

.

The Exo’luxion tour is finally over. Approaching a period of relative freedom from their usually hectic schedules, most of the members are lounging in the dorm, swapping plans for the next two weeks. “Wait a minute – what’s this?” Baekhyun commands everyone’s attention with that familiar mischievous lilt in his voice. “New rumors surface about EXO’s Kai and f(x)’s Krystal: they’re dating and have even adopted a cat together!”

Minseok hoots and climbs over the back of the couch to read the webpage Baek’s pulled up. Kyungsoo tries to keep his breathing steady and opts to clean up the dinner table rather than join the commotion. He turns his back to the common room as he flits back and forth in the open concept kitchen, keeping his pained face concealed from view.

Chanyeol scoffs in the common room. “That’s dumb. They’re just friends,” Kyungsoo overhears the giant dismiss the gossip.

“Well let’s ask him. Oh, JONGIN!” yells Jongdae in the direction of their shared bedroom.

“I think our roomie has already slipped out,” Junmyeon says, emerging from the room alone.

“Where’d he go?” asks Minseok.

Sehun shifts on the floor to avoid the newcomers in the room as he plays on his phone. “He told me he was meeting up with Krystal tonight,” he says disinterestedly. “OUCH! What the fuck, Yeol, why’d you kick—“

“Let’s go out tonight, Sehun. We never go out,” Chanyeol declares.

“We ALWAYS go out, what are you talking about,” the maknae replies flatly.

“Yeah, but not with Kyungsoo. Soo! Join us! We know you don’t have any work stuff to do, so no excuses,” the giant says with a goofy grin, leaning his head around the wall to make eye contact with the singer in the kitchen.

“I-I don’t know, Yeol. I was thinking about turning in early,” he says lamely. _‘Because goodness knows you need those extra hours of not sleeping, wrestling with whether or not you’re happy you pushed him into her arms,’_ a bitter inner voice mocks him.

“Nonsense. Sehun and I have been wanting to go to noreabang for a while—“ (“Since when?” the maknae asks but is ignored) “—and we need a real vocalist to join us. Come on, please?” Chanyeol begs.

Kyungsoo sighs, drying his hands off on the dish towel and failing to come up with a better excuse. “Alright.”

\-----------------------------------------

They’re in a pastry shop on the edge of Gangnam tonight as Jongin tries to fill in the remaining blanks for Krystal regarding the sequence of events between him and Kyungsoo as they fell apart, getting her caught up on what happened the night of the Gayo Daejun.

“So that’s when I think he really had to re-evaluate whether or not…” he bites his lip to keep his emotions at bay, “whether or not I was worth it. I mean, it was really obvious how mad Jaehyuk was that night. And with how he clings to Kyungsoo like a freaking barnacle these days, I bet he’s constantly reminding him that he’s going to ruin his career if he keeps associating with me.”

Krystal nibbles on her chocolate croissant. “I don’t know. I still feel like we’re missing something.”

“You’re more optimistic than I am,” Jongin sighs, playing with the crumbs from his raspberry tart. “It seems pretty clear to me: Sure, he still cares for me – his actions, like you said, prove that point. He’s always reciprocating when I initiate talking or flirting, but it’s like hot and then cold. He cares, just, not enough to want to risk his job. And can I really blame him when Jaehyuk’s always breathing down his neck?” He freezes as a sudden chill travels through him. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“What if he’s dating Jaehyuk now?” His temper flares at the manager. “That fucking snake! It would explain his behavior, why he keeps interrupting us every time I feel like I’m making progress with Soo, why he’s always hovering around him, and he always gets to be alone with him on the way to and from schedules, so he’s had plenty of opportunities to make a move.” He falters as his bottom lip trembles thinking of Kyungsoo always pairing off with Jaehyuk. “And Soo even defended him the other day, trying to tell me that he wasn’t a bad guy. I don’t believe this…” He drops his chin down on his hands folded on the table.

Krystal purses her lips before breathing out harshly and shoving him squarely in the forehead with two fingers, making him sit back up while rubbing his forehead with a groan. “Jongin, you’re a fucking idiot. What the hell kind of sense does that make? Kyungsoo obviously cares about you but says that you can’t be together because of his career… and then keeps his career in danger by jumping right into a new gay relationship with a manager? One who you said was obviously disgusted with you for not being straight? Yeah, _that’s_ a solid conclusion.” She rolls her eyes at him. “The only explanation I can come up with for your idiocy in these things is that your jealous dick monopolizes all the bloodflow away from your brain.”

“HEY.” Jongin’s more shocked than offended but stares at the girl incredulously.

“Sorry, but you need a wake-up call. Look: **Insung** isn’t the issue. **Jaehyuk** isn’t the issue. At least not that way. Stop getting distracted. Frankly, it’s insulting. I’m starting to question if _you_ deserve _Kyungsoo._ ”

Bewildered, Jongin backtracks. “Fine, maybe I get carried away sometimes with my jealousy. But I don’t get why you’re on his side – some friend you are,” he jokes weakly before blowing his bangs out of his face and resetting back into serious mode. Brow furrowed, he circles back to Krystal’s suspicions before he got them sidetracked with his distrust of Jaehyuk. “Explain, this instinct you have about Kyungsoo’s motives. Why do you think there’s more to it?”

“Lots of reasons. Look, Kyungsoo’s a smart guy. He would have just figured out a way for you two to be more discrete, more careful, if all that was going on was the warning you two got the night of the Gayo Daejun. OR if he cared more about his job – which I think is bullshit, but for sake of argument – if he cared more about his job, he would have just ended things right away. But he didn’t: you said it was another 3 weeks before he actually broke up with you, and he definitely did it more brutally than necessary. He chose **_those_** specific hurtful words, carefully I bet, knowing your insecurities about his career. I think he went through great lengths to really **_push_** you away.”

“But why?”

She grimaces. “That I don’t know.”

After a few seconds of quiet, Jongin voices his self-doubt aloud. “It’d be nice if this were true, that he actually feels this much for me, but… I’m still not sure. How are you so convinced he was pushing me away, and not just giving up because it got too hard?”

Krystal grinds the final flakes of her croissant in between her finger tips. “He was with you for years, Nini.” She pauses, seeming to debate her next words before letting them out. “Let’s just say he and I tend to understand each other... And I know **_I_** wouldn’t just let management tell me I couldn’t be with you anymore.” She’s collected as she drops such significant words, explaining it as a simple matter-of-fact. It’s not a ploy to make Jongin feel guilty, but he feels a twinge of it anyway.

The silence between them is interrupted by Jongin’s phone ringing. “Uh, it’s Chanyeol,” he explains to Krystal, answering it.

“Jongin – bro, I need your help.” In the background, loud music plays, halfway drowning out the giant.

“What? Yeol, it’s really loud. Where are you?”

“At noreabang, with Sehun and Soo. Hold on.” There’s some shuffling and incoherent words exchanged before Chanyeol returns, having apparently stepped out of the room since the noise level drops tremendously. “Look, they’re both hammered, and I don’t think I can get them home stealthily enough on my own.” The rapper’s words are a touched slurred himself, Jongin notices.

“Wha- why’d you guys get drunk outside the dorm? And you, are you even okay to help get them home? Or should we be calling someone who can carry you?” Jongin curses inwardly that Yixing’s already left for China. Where’s he even going to find someone else tall enough to shoulder Sehun if he’s got to lug the giant around?

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll take Sehunnie back, but you better come get Soo, okay?”

Jongin hesitates. They’re still playing Sherlock Holmes here, sifting through clues and trying to unravel the mystery of the singer’s feelings and intentions. He’s not sure how he’ll fare around Kyungsoo at the moment. Plus, he doesn’t want to ditch Krystal quite so obviously in favor of the other and hurt her feelings given how their last meeting ended. “I don’t know, Yeol. Did you ask Jongdae or Junmyeon for help yet? I’m out right now—“

“I KNOW. I know, I know,” he impatiently interjects, intoxicatedly choppy with his words. “I know you’re out with Krystal, but dude, for fuck’s sake, I’ve got **_Soo_** here, **drunk** and singing sappy love songs. So get your ASS OVER HERE, YOU UNGRATEFUL SHIT.” His voice crescendos until he’s yelling into the phone by the end, loud enough that Krystal can pick up on his words as Jongin jerks back from the receiver.

Confused over how the giant knows who he’s with or why he’s getting so aggressive, but unwilling to question a tipsy Chanyeol, Jongin quickly replies. “Whoa, calm down. Okay, I’ll be there soon. Don’t leave until I get there, alright? Text me your location.”

“Good. I’m doing it right now,” Chanyeol says, somewhat pacified and typing into his phone. Jongin faintly hears him in the background mumbling something that sounds like, “Damn, you can lead a man to dick but you can’t make him suck, I fucking swear.” His phone buzzes with the address, and the giant’s back on the line saying, “Better see you in 15 minutes. Sehun, no uploading that shit to Weibo!” before hanging up.

Jongin looks up at Krystal with an apologetic look. “I gotta go.”

“I heard. Go, go take care of him,” she encourages.

“I still don’t know what he actually wants from me, though. How I’m supposed to act?”

“Just be you. Follow your gut. You can do this. Now quit stalling – go get him,” Krystal pinches his cheek and stands up to get Jongin to do the same. “Good luck, and call me later,” she says as she leaves.

He realizes as she disappears down the street that he forgot to thank her, but there’s no time to dwell on it right now. He’s going to have to book it to get over to the noreabang within Chanyeol’s deadline. He sets out at a trot, just on the edge of power walking and an all out jog, trying to not attract too much attention from the other pedestrians on the sidewalk.

He arrives slightly out of breath, greeting the staff at the front desk and explaining he’s here to help the group in room 12 to clear out responsibly. The middle aged woman behind the counter nods appreciatively and directs him to the proper hallway. When he opens the door, his eyes widen at the number of empty soju bottles littering the table, clearly more than a dozen. The three members in the room are all living embodiments of different emotions jacked up on alcohol: Sehun’s in a laughing fit, half on the cushioned bench attached to the wall, half on the floor, Chanyeol’s grumpily staring at his watch with a furrowed brow, and Kyungsoo’s forlornly flipping through the song catalog in his lap with his head in his hands.

Chanyeol perks up upon seeing Jongin, though, bouncing up and steadier on his feet than the dancer would have anticipated. “Oh good, I was worried for a minute there. I’m taking off with Sehun. See you guys back at the dorm whenever.” The giant hauls Sehun up like he weighs nothing and starts dragging him toward the door.

“Wait, what? Why don’t we all go together? How many drinks did you have anyway – are you sure you’re not going to pass out on the way home?”

“The four of us traveling in a pack is too dangerous, we’ll be recognized. And I’m fine, I only had two. I pounded them a little while before I called you, in part to make sure this one here didn’t have any more,” Yeol replies, rolling his eyes at Sehun. He slaps the maknae’s black cap on his head, pulling it down low to obscure his face, before affixing his own face mask. “Room’s paid for for another 30 minutes. See ya.” The giant rushes out without waiting for a response from the befuddled Jongin, carefully closing the door behind him.

Jongin gulps before turning to look at Kyungsoo, nervous now that they’re alone. The singer hasn’t raised his eyes from the karaoke catalog since the younger entered the room and seems to be oblivious to his presence. Slowly, Jongin crosses the room before softly calling to him. “Hyung, you okay?”

Kyungsoo raises his eyes, unfocused and glassy, to meet Jongin’s. With the saddest smile Jongin has ever seen, the older says, “You’re here.”

“Yeah, I’m here, Soo.” He moves to sit down next to the inebriated boy. “I’m going to help you get home, okay?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head no, a little too vigorously it seems as he winces a moment afterwards. Jongin puts a hand on his back and grabs the singer’s arm to stabilize him. “No, you’re here. I don’t want to go anywhere else,” the older slurs. His signature doe eyes look at the younger with such a vulnerable plea in them, no more words are needed to convince Jongin they should stay.

“Okay, we can stay a little longer,” Jongin whispers, his throat closing up a bit with emotion.

Appeased, Kyungsoo relaxes a little, leaning into Jongin’s arm that’s still wrapped around his back. With the microphone, the singer taps the big songbook on his lap. “I’ve been singing to you, you know. Before you got here.” He gives the younger a lopsided, drunk smirk.

“Is that so?” Jongin gives a small grin of his own.

“Yeah… but they’re not happy songs,” Kyungsoo confesses with a frown, eyes dropping back to the ground.

The dancer swallows thickly and rubs comforting circles in the elder’s back. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Can I sing for you, now that you’re here?”

Jongin’s heartbeat picks up. This is a dangerous proposition. What if the message isn’t one he wants to hear? Or worse, what if it IS one he wants so desperately to hear but really ought to dismiss as nothing other than alcohol talking? Before he can properly weigh the pros and cons, Kyungsoo’s giving him those begging eyes again, and he finds himself nodding.

The singer gets up and inputs the song code on the machine at the front of the room, and [Secret Love Song](https://youtu.be/AK0XhP1UMFw?t=20s) starts blaring over the system. Jongin knows this song, and his breath hitches the moment Soo starts crooning…

_“We keep behind closed doors_  
_Every time I see you I die a little more_  
_Stolen moments that we steal_  
_As the curtain falls_  
_It’ll never be enough_

_It’s obvious you’re meant for me_  
_Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly_  
_Every second, every thought, I’m in so deep_  
_But I’ll never show it on my face_  
_But we know this_  
_We got a love that is homeless_

_Why can’t you hold me in the street?_  
_Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor?_  
_I wish that it could be like that_  
_Why can’t we be like that?_  
_Cause I’m yours”_

Jongin’s mouth hangs open in silent awe as Kyungsoo pours his heart into the song, completely in his element despite the alcohol. Tears slowly gather in the dancer’s eyes, but he won’t dare blink them away, unwilling to take his eyes off the singer for even a moment and miss a second of this emotional performance. Kyungsoo’s voice is always mesmerizing, but the raw passion and sadness that has replaced his usually dulcet tone is tearing Jongin apart. This isn’t about drunkenness: this is a poignant confession. As the song reaches [its climactic final chorus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK0XhP1UMFw&feature=youtu.be&t=3m23s), he finds himself standing and walking over to the older boy as he belts:

_“Why can’t I say that I’m in love?_  
_I want to shout from the rooftops_  
_I wish that it could be like that_  
_Why can’t we be like that?_  
_Cause I’m yours”_

Taking the microphone from Kyungsoo’s hand, Jongin raises it to his own lips and finishes the song.

_“Why **can’t** we be like that?_  
_Wish we could be like that”_

Kyungsoo gazes up at him through watery eyes filled with surprise and longing. The taller cautiously brushes midnight hair back, letting his fingers glide down the shorter boy’s spine before pulling him close. They stare into each other’s tear-stained faces, soaking in the weight of the moment. And as much as Jongin wants to know the story behind each shimmering drop that’s trailing down Kyungsoo’s face right now, his heart takes over. Detective work long forgotten, the rush of emotions coursing through Jongin push him forward. As their bodies meld together perfectly, he drops the mic and plunges in to kiss the singer with all the love he’s had to keep bottled inside for the past several months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * Kyungsoo looks adorable in glasses and wore them [a lot during Pure Love promotions](https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s640x640/sh0.08/e35/12729679_446266052230458_1729521031_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTE5NDk2NDQ2OTU2NjAzMjcxMg%3D%3D.2.l). Sadly, I do think all the countless schedules were weighing on him and _might_ have contributed to how often he wore them (you can see hints of dark circles under his eyes in the pics).
>   * [Kai tickles D.O. during 365](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knUKIq8TGew) in Kuala Lumpur and gets punched, lol. (I really do think D.O. couldn’t see who it was until after he’d already swung.) Here’s [D.O.’s gentle revenge tickle afterward](http://fykaisoo.tumblr.com/post/141016384590/160312-kyungsoo-running-to-tickle).
>   * [Kaistal dating rumors with the cat](http://pann-choa.blogspot.com/2016/03/enter-talk-exo-kai-and-krystal-must.html) released on March 21
>   * Here are just a few [Chanhun](https://www.instagram.com/p/BCp9L18rmdn/?taken-by=real__pcy) Instagram [posts](https://www.instagram.com/p/BCr0bOgrmQP/?taken-by=real__pcy) from that March; those boys are out together all the dang time just like Sehun says in the ch
> 

> 
> Um, yes, I just ended this ch with a mic drop by Nini, lol.
> 
> Thanks for reading as always! Talk with me in the comments, lovelies! <33333


	27. Heat Wave at Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Um, maybe R-rated? More than usual, anyway.

The moment their mouths slot together, Jongin feels like he’s finally returned home. Everything about Kyungsoo feels right: The fullness of his bottom lip, the softness of his hair, the curve of his back being just the right height for Jongin’s hands to dip into, and the press of the elder’s firm chest against his own. This first kiss is long and unhurried as they take their time reacquainting themselves with each other’s lips and tongues after much too long apart.

“Oh, Soo,” the Jongin breathes out as he carefully covers the signer's jaw, cheeks, and eyelids with adoring kisses. Kyungsoo mewls in response to the intimate brushing of the dancer’s lips all over his face. In the meantime, his hands roam up Jongin’s arms and tenderly twirl in the hair at the nape of his neck. When their mouths find each other again, it’s electric, with both boys surging toward each other, determined to leave no space between them after the wide distance that existed for the past two and a half months.

Kyungsoo’s whimpering gradually turns into a more aggressive growl as they continue to nip into each other’s mouths. The temperature in the room seems to soar as the pace and pressure between them mount with the singer’s tongue delving deeper and deeper down the dancer’s throat with each stroke. The shorter boy presses Jongin back into the bench seat along the wall, easing him downward with a toned arm. Jongin grips onto Kyungsoo’s solid shoulders as his head falls back on the bench and the elder looms above his body, hungrily following him in a continuous tangle of wet tongues and swollen lips. What started as tender need is rapidly spinning into the most heated of desires, and when Kyungsoo’s hips grind down onto his own, Jongin releases a filthy moan that reverberates off the walls of the small noreabang room.

As much as Jongin wants to give in and thrust back upward into the thick bulge currently pressing into his thigh, warning bells are going off in his head. “Wait, Soo, wait a moment,” he tries to interrupt, grabbing his own hair to try and get a grip on reality as the older begins nibbling down his neck.

“What is it?” Kyungsoo asks in a breathy rumble against his Adam’s apple, running his hands along the younger boy’s sides tantalizingly slowly. As Kyungsoo’s deft fingers stroke down each rib, press into his hip bones, and then finally run along the curve of his ass, Jongin moans out again involuntarily. When he opens his eyes to center himself, he sees the older smirking down at him, obviously satisfied with the reactions he’s pulling from the younger.

“Soo, you’re drunk,” he manages to wheeze out before submitting to the singer’s delicious mouth on his again, unable to stop himself from reciprocating, enjoying the drag his tongue across the roof of the older’s mouth. As Jongin tastes the lingering hint of soju in Kyungsoo’s mouth, memories of their first date in Tokyo flood his senses along with all the affection associated with that precious night, and _God,_ Jongin has never wanted anything as much as he wants this right now.

“So what?” Kyungsoo’s voice is low, breath hot against his mouth as he alternates between kissing the dancer’s upper and lower lips, sucking each one in gently to give it special attention before returning to the exposed column of Jongin’s neck.

“So maybe this isn’t a good idea right now,” Jongin says, carding his fingers through the elder’s hair and trying to slow his heart rate down from the thundering pace it’s at. Which is proving to be an impossible task with the singer’s sinful tongue laving against his pulse.

“What, are you worried about consent? Such a gentleman.” Kyungsoo kisses the sensitive spot behind his ear and before sucking on his earlobe. Nuzzling into his ear, the older drops his voice an octave as he purrs, “Let me put your mind at ease – I’m topping tonight.”

This forward announcement stirs more amazing memories of Kyungsoo inside him, making Jongin keen with desire as he tries to no avail to control the guttural, needy whine that slips out. “You know that doesn’t – OH FUCK—” Kyungsoo’s skilled hands are on the move again and causing his brain to short out. “That doesn’t mean anything when it comes to consent. I’m – AH—  worried you wouldn’t actually want to do this if you were sober.”

Kyungsoo stops and pulls back to look down at him with a penetrating gaze under heavy brows. “Jongin. I **_always_** want to do this.”

The younger mouth waters so much at how alluring Kyungsoo looks and sounds right now that he almost chokes on his own spit. When the older leans back down to knock their noses together and kiss along his mouth from one corner to the other, more sweetly than the heated kisses from moments ago, Jongin finds himself almost surrendering. But then he remembers: hot then cold, openly adoring then restrained. And he knows it’s just not right, not fair, to indulge himself right now in Kyungsoo’s dropped guard when the backlash tomorrow could be so severe.

Using his sobriety and size to his advantage, Jongin slides off the bench and out from underneath Kyungsoo, shifting so that he’s kneeling on the floor. He takes the singer’s hands in his own and turns him so that he’s sitting up on the bench now but facing him. Confused at first, Kyungsoo complies with the rearrangement, eyes darkening with lust again once he notices the dancer on his knees in front of him, head eye-level with his crotch. The singer is already spreading his legs in invitation and slouching down a little while chewing on his own tongue before Jongin groans and internally curses at himself, realizing his posture and open-mouth panting are giving off the wrong impression. And damn, the sight of elder’s blown pupils boring into his are _really_ making it hard to do the right thing here. Jongin closes his eyes and tries again.

“Kyungsoo,” he says as the elder curls his hand around the back of his neck. “Hyung, no.” The boy immediately freezes at the words, eyes flashing wide and looking carefully at the younger to understand. Jongin gently closes the older boy’s legs and straightens up higher to nuzzle the bottom of his chin.  He stares up at him as he speaks, running his thumbs over the boy’s rounded cheekbones and trying to get through to him with his sincerity. “I want this, too, so much. But not like this. Not when I’m worried you’re going to pull away in the morning and regret it. I want you, Soo, but I want all of you: body, mind, and heart. And not just for tonight.”

Unfortunately, in his drunken haze, Kyungsoo is only hearing the rejection. He relents from his physical advances right away, removing his hand from the back of Jongin’s neck and dropping his head on top of the younger’s to bury his face in his hair instead. A volatile mood swing induced by the alcohol snaps Kyungsoo back into his depressive state like a rubber band. He collapses on the taller boy in tears as he starts spilling his feelings. “I’ve missed you so much it hurts. I can’t do this, Jongin, I can’t be so close and yet not have you.” The quivering fingers lightly stroking the younger’s sideburns make it clear his words are full of deep affection, not lust. “Every day, I’m losing my mind,” he sobs, his body heaving under the onslaught of his emotional breakdown.

Jongin’s heart breaks as he gathers Kyungsoo up in his arms, sitting beside him now on the bench seat. “Soo, it’s going to be okay. You _can_ have me, you _do_ –“

“No I can’t!” He wails, raising his face to look at Jongin with hurt-filled eyes while his fingers clench in the dancer’s shirt, twisting in them as if to keep him from being pulled away by some imaginary force. After a moment, Kyungsoo sways lightly as his head falls forward, his energy obviously sapped from his forceful crying fit.

“Why?” Jongin implores, his own voice shaking with fear that he’s going to lose the elder’s openness at any moment and see him withdraw yet again. He cradles the singer’s face in his hands and tilts it back up to make eye contact. “Tell me what it is, Soo! Let me fix it,” he pleads desperately, seeing the consciousness starting to drain out of Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“It wouldn’t be fair to you. There’s too much you’d…” He fights to answer Jongin, but his words are coming out at barely a whisper now as he begins to trail off. Kyungsoo struggles against the pull of sleep with one more concerted effort, looking the younger straight in the eye as he explains: “I’m not worth it, Nini.”

Before Jongin can respond, Kyungsoo succumbs to slumber, falling against the boy’s shoulder as he passes out from the combination of alcohol and emotion. Trembling, the dancer clutches the smaller boy tightly against his chest. Those harsh words have been running through his mind since that day on the roof; hearing them twisted around and targeted at the man he loves… it shatters Jongin’s heart in two. So all along, this wasn’t about him not meaning enough to Kyungsoo. It was about Kyungsoo’s own insecurities and doubts about how important he was to Jongin. Yet for a while, he had thought the worst of his Soo, considering him selfish. This cruel twist of fate has the younger in tears, gently rocking the older boy and pressing tender kisses into his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I doubted you, hyung.”


	28. The Eye of the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't have time to post yesterday!

Kyungsoo wakes up in his bed with a dry throat and a pulsing headache. Grumbling and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sits up to check the clock. 5:00 AM – earlier than usual. _‘Probably because I actually SLEPT for once,_ ’ he muses, stretching his limbs. A shiver runs down his spine, though, as he searches through his memory for what time he went to bed. Blank. There’s nothing but an inscrutable blank there.

 

He turns on his lamp and squints as he adjusts to the light. His eyes scan his room and settle on a note resting next to a bottle of water and two aspirins on his night stand. He reaches for them but moves too quickly, suffering from a brief dizzy spell. Oh. That’s right. He drank last night with Chanyeol and Sehun. He pops the pills in his mouth and takes a long drag of water from the bottle before turning his attention to the note.

 

“Hyung,

Be sure to take the aspirin and hydrate. You had a lot to drink last night, but you were always safe with Sehun, Yeol, or myself – I brought you home. I don’t know how much you’re going to remember when you wake up, but whether it’s a lot or a little, please don’t be worried. Let’s talk, the sooner the better, okay?

Jongin”

 

_‘Oh shit.’_ The younger explicitly tells him not to worry, as if he could anticipate the anxiety bubbling up inside, but it’s not as simple as willing the panic away. Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut, desparately trying to pull back something, ANYTHING, from last night. He remembers singing at the noreabang, Chanyeol challenging him to play a drinking game with Sehun, singing Fiction and Gone Not Around Any Longer… but Jongin isn’t in the room in any of these memories.

 

“… please don’t be worried.” Kyungsoo re-reads it and snickers to himself at Jongin’s sweet naiveté: telling someone NOT to worry is just as bad as telling them TO worry. Climbing out of bed carefully to avoid sparking a wave of hangover nausea, he dresses himself and packs a bag. He’d already been planning to spend some of the upcoming free time at his parents’ home – now, he’s just in a bigger hurry to get there.

 

_‘Why are you running?’_ an inner voice questions him as he’s stuffing the last of his clothes into the black duffel bag.

 

_‘I’m not running, I just… need to sort things out in my own mind first,_ ’ he defends.

 

_‘Sure, slinking out of the house before dawn so that you can leave undetected, that’s not running at all,’_ comes the sarcastic response.

 

Kyungsoo sighs, eyeing the note again. What if he – no. Surely not. He heads to the bathroom, just for a routine morning stop, he tells himself… but ends up staring in the mirror, looking for any marks on his body as hints to what transpired hours before. He experiences a quick vision of pressing his body down against Jongin and running his lips over the boy’s smooth, tanned neck. The image is one he’s daydreamed about so often that he can’t distinguish if the sudden flash is fantasy or reality. Stretching his lower back and rolling his shoulders, he finds no signs of… excessive exertion and breathes a sigh of relief. Must be just fantasy again, a particularly vivid one as he can almost taste Jongin on his tongue. Kyungsoo hesitates. In the off chance he maybe did cross the line last night, disappearing without a word would be unacceptable. He can’t risk hurting Jongin like that. But he’s not ready to talk. He just needs some time, time to think and hopefully recover his memories.

 

Searching for a pen and pad of paper, Kyungsoo finds the materials in the common room and quickly scribbles down a message. Because anyone could find this, he makes sure it’s vague, but leaves it in his bedroom on the nightstand where he retrieved Jongin’s note in hopes that the younger will know it’s for him regardless who runs across it first.

 

“Went to my parents’ place: They’ve been expecting me. Will probably be gone the whole break. Talk to you on my return.

Kyungsoo”

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

The first two days at his parents’ house pass peacefully. On the third, though, Jongin starts texting. And then calling. Kyungsoo doesn’t answer and is surprised at the voicemail notification shortly thereafter. Curiosity getting the better of him, he checks the message.

 

“Hyung, please. We need to talk. In person, not over text or the phone. I’d come to you except… except you’re at the one place where I don’t think it’d be okay for me to show up…” Kyungsoo swallows thickly at the truth behind that sentiment, eyeing his father reading the newspaper on the couch across the room. He’s both touched at Jongin’s sensitive precaution and terrified about what exactly that implies. “Just… let me know you’re okay. And in case you were wondering, I’m fine. I’ll just be better once we talk.”

 

“Everything alright, sweetheart?” His mom places a hand on his shoulder, having wandered in from the kitchen.

 

Kyungsoo clears his throat. “Yes, umma. I’m fine. Do you need help with dinner?”

 

“Sure. You know I love your company in the kitchen,” she smiles at him sweetly. “But first, I need to get some fresh herbs from out back. As a matter of fact, the garden needs some tending to in general. Mind doing some digging with me?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“No, that sounds good. Let me just get changed.” Inside his old bedroom, he searches through some of his old clothes still kept in the closet. He finds a favorite pair of faded jeans from years ago, comfortably worn in with small holes from actual wear as opposed to manufactured cuts in the name of fashion. They smell nostalgic, reminding him of a simpler time when he was just Do Kyungsoo, a regular high schooler with nothing remarkable about his personal life other than having an especially strong bond with his mom, which his friends teased him about good-naturedly. He smiles as he slips on the jeans, stripping down to just a plain white undershirt on top.

 

When he heads out to the backyard, his mother is waiting for him with garden gloves and various handheld tools. She greets him with a small smile. “Ready to get in here and do the tough, dirty work?” He nods and they set out tilling the soil and pulling weeds.

 

In typical fashion, Kyungsoo’s mom starts singing softly as they labor. He smiles, enjoying her melodic voice singing an old trot tune from the 80s. It’s no secret in the family that he got his vocal talents from his mother who often kept their house alive with music, singing to him throughout the day, whether in the car on the way to the market, while cleaning the house, or when getting her sons settled into bed. She’s always loved to whistle while she works.

 

“Your turn,” she prods him with a gentle elbow after finishing her song. Kyungsoo begins to hum a tune as he pulls at a particularly stubborn weed. “I don’t know that one,” his mother comments after he gets through a verse and chorus. “Sing the words for me.”

 

“It’s an American song, umma. Just one that’s been on my mind lately. The words won’t make any difference for you – it’s all in English,” he says with mild embarrassment at the idea of singing them aloud.

 

She scoffs. “Everyone else in the world gets to hear my Soo-ah’s beautiful voice, but I can’t? Aigoo, life is so unfair sometimes,” she complains lightly in that way mothers do to guilt their children into doing their bidding. She gives a dramatic shake of her head, her wide brimmed hat flopping around a bit, and then meets his eyes, flashing a smirk to make sure he knows she’s mostly teasing.

 

With a light sigh, Kyungsoo knows he can’t deny his mother such a simple request. Eyes trained on the dirt he’s tilling with his hand rake, he starts to sing aloud:

 

_“Please don’t stand so close to me_

_I’m having trouble breathing_

_I’m afraid of what you’ll see, right now_

_I’ll give you everything I am_

_All my broken heartbeats_

_Until I know you’ll understand_

 

_And I will make sure to keep my distance_

_Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening_

_And how long can we keep this up, up, up?”_

 

His mother may not know the words, but she’s always had a natural gift for finding harmonies and joins him, humming an alto harmony for the final chorus.

 

_“Make sure to keep my distance_

_Say ‘I love you’ when you’re not listening_

_How long til we call this love, love, love?”_

 

The soil now prepped and ready, his mother begins planting seeds. “That’s a lovely song, son.”

 

“Thanks, umma.”

 

“Have anything to do with the boy you pushed away?” she asks conversationally, as though she’s casually inquiring about the weather.

 

Kyungsoo snorts. At least she’s direct. “Maybe.” He follows behind her, covering each seed she plants with fresh soil.

 

“Anything different from the last time we talked?”

 

“Well, yeah. He caught on, to a lot of those subtle ways I was trying to love him from afar. And… I find myself not being able to keep away when he’s recently become so… welcoming. And persistent.”

 

She hands him the fertilizer to spread on the freshly planted seeds before washing her hands in a basin. “Have you told him about your reasons for creating that distance, then? I mean, it seems clear your strategy to push him away didn’t work, so you might as well, yes?”

 

“No, I haven’t.  I’m still not sure if it’s the right move, honestly,” he mumbles.

 

“Well, let’s consider the possibilities. Knowing you, you’ve already thought about the worst case scenarios,” she says fondly, wiping away the sweat from her son’s brow with a handkerchief since his gloved hands are still muddy from garden work. “So tell me: what’s the worst that could happen?”

 

His answer is ready, of course, having spent many nights brooding on it. “The absolute worst? Telling him serves no purpose other than to scare him, makes him live in paranoia. There’s no getting back together; in fact, all his memories of us turn sour and he just regrets ever being with me, maybe even despises me for the position I’ve put him in, and I’m this dirty secret he has to regularly hide for the rest of his days in the industry.”

 

His mother stops sorting through her pruning shears to stare at him wide-eyed. “Okay. I’ll admit, that’s worse than I had thought. That’d be terrible.”

 

Kyungsoo twists his mouth in a rueful half-smile that says ‘ _tell-me-about-it.’_ He finishes washing his hands in the water basin by the back door and dries them off on a towel, coming over to pick up his own small pair of shears and rejoin his mother in her work.

 

She trims some thyme to take inside and points her son in the direction of some scraggly shrubs around the perimeter that need pruning. “Give me a more realistic response now. How else might he react?”

 

He furrows his brow as he considers this. “I don’t know. Maybe he ignores the dangers completely, plays too recklessly with his future and career, and… and I don’t stop it because selfishly, it means I get to have him back.”

 

“I don’t know. That doesn’t sound so bad to me; maybe you two find a way to work it out,” she suggests optimistically.

 

Kyungsoo sighs and shakes his head. “No, umma, that’d be unfair of me, to do that to him.”

 

“You keep talking about this relationship like it’s all your responsibility, all your doing or all your fault. Why? There’s two people’s feelings involved here, Soo-ah,” she says, pointing her shears at him to emphasize her point.

 

“Because. Several reasons. One is that I’m older. The other is that… that he’s not like me.” He blushes, not entirely comfortable discussing sexuality so openly with his sweet and petite mother.

 

“Oh? You mean he’s, um, bisexual?” she ventures.

 

Kyungsoo almost drops his shears, fumbling carefully to not cut himself. “Uh, sort of, maybe. Without getting into all those details, the bigger issue is that I’m the only man he’s ever been with. So yeah, I feel… responsible.”

 

“Well that’s silly.”

 

“No it’s not,” he says a little more forcefully. “Look, I am what I am, and I’ve come to terms with what that means for me. But he’s got a shot at a normal life, umma.”

 

She places a hand on his arm. “My child, who would choose a normal life when they could have you instead?”

 

As much as Kyungsoo’s instinct is to dismiss her words as the blind, unconditional love of a parent, he can’t help but be deeply moved by the sentiment, that he could be considered something extraordinary. A stray tear rolls down his cheek, which he wipes away with the back of his forearm, pretending it’s sweat. Regaining his composure, he continues to expose the deep concerns of his heart. “He wants kids one day.”

 

“So did you, last I remember,” she fires back.

 

His stubbornness flares up as he furrows his brow before replying. “Yeah, well, I know that it probably won’t happen for me and am at peace with it. I don’t see why I should be okay with killing his dream, though, just because I can’t have mine.”

 

His mother speaks her next words with an extra dose of tenderness. “I realize that at your young age, and especially with all the success you’ve had in pursuing your singing and acting aspirations, you probably think giving up on a dream is tragic, one of the worst things that a person can do. But sweetheart, that’s life. Some dreams come true, and some dreams die in favor of others. Some we mourn, but others we give away willingly, knowing that we’re getting something even better by letting that pathway die.”

 

They work in silence for a few minutes, no sounds except for the twittering of the birds and the light snaps of branches being pruned back to give the shrubs new shape. Kyungsoo’s lost in thought, letting his mother’s words seep into his bones, trying to view the world through her wisdom.

 

“Come here a moment, Soo-ah.” She beckons him over to the peach tree in the back corner of the yard. “Pluck one for me,” she requests, pointing at a pale yellow peach up and out of her reach. Along with her musical talent, Kyungsoo inherited her shorter stature. He’s still got several centimeters on her though, so he walks over, dusting off his hands, and looks at the peach she’s pointing to.

 

He frowns. “It’s not ripe yet.”

 

“I know. Pluck it for me anyway.”

 

Extending on his tiptoes, he grabs the peach and tugs. It clings to the branch tightly, so he has to twist and yank for a while before getting it to finally release. He hands it to his mother.

 

“When a peach hasn’t reached peak maturity, it doesn’t separate easily, does it? It’s a painful process, for both the fruit and the tree.” She points out the branch it came from, the mangled wood a fresh green inside and oozing. “We can try to graft the tree branch to heal it, poor thing is bleeding right now. But tell me: What do you think happens to the peach?”

 

Kyungsoo shrugs, puzzled. “I don’t know. Does it just stagnate a while before it rots?”

 

A smile blooms on his mother’s face. “Ah, I thought you might say that. But no, actually. Did you know a peach will continue to ripen, will continue to mature even apart from the tree?” She looks at the peach fondly, rubbing the dirt off of its exterior with her shirt. “I think you’re not giving him enough credit, this younger man of yours. Consider his persistence: Even if he wasn’t ready to hear everything a few months ago, he might be now. And everyone deserves to know which dreams they’re forfeiting when forced to pick between paths. Who knows – maybe you’re his dream, Kyungsoo.” She presses the peach into his palm and closes his fingers around it with a reassuring smile before picking up the basket of fresh cut herbs they’ve gathered and heading inside.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Kyungsoo spends another day in deep contemplation, imagining the many ways things might unfold. He’s subjected to more thinly veiled metaphors from his mother while he cooks with her side by side in the kitchen. (‘ _This recipe needs a balance of the two spices, son. Too much of one overpowering the other leaves a bitter taste in everyone’s mouth.’_ ) The next night, right before bed, he confides in his mom in the hallway right in front his room.

 

“I’ve decided, umma. I’m going to tell him everything.”

 

“Are you? That’s wonderful, I think it’s the right choice, dear,” she pats his chest with a smile.

 

He rolls his eyes. “Gee, I couldn’t tell where you stood on the issue. Thanks for clearing that up.”

 

She tsks at him. “Watch that cheekiness, boy.” His mom pinches his cheek and pulls it to the side, just hard enough to elicit an “ah, ah!” from him. She giggles as he lets her do it like the dutiful child he is, releasing him after he’s indulged her.

 

Kyungsoo rubs a hand over the side of his face to get rid of the sting and clears his throat, straightening up to appear more like the grown man he is. “Thanks, umma. For listening and encouraging me.”

 

“Always, my child.” She turns to tread to the master bedroom but stops, noticing the apprehension on his face as he contemplates how he’ll actually follow through with this. “Don’t worry too much, Soo-ah. I think Jongin might surprise you.”

 

He freezes, holding his breath, and slowly turns to stares at his mother. “I never said it was –“

 

“Oh please. It’s your eyes that give you away. You think I don’t know my own son well enough to see the love exuding from your pretty eyes whenever you look at him?” And with a mysterious smile, she fades into the dark hallway.

 

Overcoming his shock, he settles into bed before grabbing his phone with resolve.

 

 

**To Jongin**

Hey. I’m okay, just clearing my head out here.

I’ll be ready to talk when I get back. I promise.

See you on April 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
> * The bit about [peaches still ripening](http://www.todayshomeowner.com/which-fruits-and-vegetables-continue-to-ripen-after-picking/) after being picked too early is true (i’msuchanerd)
>   
> 
> * Some of my fav Kyungsoo staring at Jongin pics: [here](http://myfemalepresidents.tumblr.com/post/88147606213/kyungsol-kyungsoo-staring-at-jongin), [here](https://66.media.tumblr.com/344acc1ebbabf9c245ccf62a8b731363/tumblr_inline_o2pu5muW8B1rmc2nj_500.gif), [here](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYrjLqbUoAAy3rx.jpg), and [here ](http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-bts-exo-kai-exo-m-exo-k-kim-jongin-jongin-so-cuteeeeee-d-o-kyungsoo-do-kyun/135827057547)
> 
> Um, yes, I just called Jongin a peach. Hope this Mama Do + gardening scene is touching and not cheesy. I know some of you have probably been frustrated with Soo for awhile now, but hopefully this helped you really climb inside his head and heart to better understand why he hasn’t just talked openly before with Nini (even moreso than what he’d already said in previous chs?). Talk with me about it in the comments, as always!
> 
> (Sorrynotsorry for that last line/cliffhanger. You know you love it.)


	29. The Longest Day, The Longest Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a Hunger Games reference in here that’s kind of a major spoiler if you aren’t familiar with the whole series, so just skip the paragraph when you read someone mention ‘Hunger Games’ if you want to avoid that (the lines are not critical to understanding this fic). 
> 
> Okay, without further ado, I give you April 1…

 

“Get up.” Jaehyuk’s sharp words and sharper pokes to Jongin’s shoulder pierce through the veil of sleep like a shower of needles.

“What? Why? What time is it?” the dancer asks, groggily turning to look at his phone. The manager snatches it out of his hand. “Hey! What’s your problem?”

“It’s 6am, and Dispatch just gave us a courtesy call that they’re planning to release evidence that you and Krystal are dating. THAT’S my problem. So get your ass up,” the manager growls out, still in a hushed tone to keep from disturbing the other two sleeping members in the room.

The news produces such a chill down Jongin’s spine, he’s wide awake and bolting up in bed before Jaehyuk says another word. “Wait, evidence? What evidence?”

“These pictures here,” the manager says, thrusting his phone in the dancer’s face. They’re pictures from their date alright, the one _real_ date he went on with the girl. Jongin curses under his breath.

“How’d they know we’d be there? We’d never even visited that place together before.”

“So you are dating her.  Awesome,” Jaehyuk says flatly, picking up some of the boy’s dirty clothes off the floor and throwing them at him. “Get your ass dressed. We’re going to headquarters.”

Annoyed, Jongin brushes off the shirt and shorts that land on his face and shoves them between his bed and the wall. “No, Jaehyuk-hyung. I’m not dating her.”

“Mmhmm, save your excuses. I’m in no mood to hear them,” the manager says, turning to wait outside the room.

Jongin grabs his arm and whisper-shouts to get his attention. “I’m being serious! Yes, I did go on a date with her, but it was a one time thing. Nothing happened after that. We’re just friends. And this _can’t_ get out, hyung, please.” He starts to panic, realizing that having these pictures splashed across the news would absolutely wreck his very precarious position with Kyungsoo right now, not to mention what it might to do his friendship with Krystal. Like an earthquake, the scandal would create rifts in all his tenuous close relationships at the moment, the shaky ground opening up and leaving himself, Kyungsoo, and Krystal each on their own isolated island while the press, crazed fans, and misunderstandings come between all of them.

He wants so badly to impart the dire nature of the situation, but recognizes that he shouldn’t share his breakthrough with Kyungsoo in the noreabang the week before. Jaehyuk’s been hellbent on preventing them from reconnecting; he’d probably be all the more eager to let the dating news spread if Jongin told him his true concerns. So he decides to share an alternate motive for his distress.

“Look, Krystal liked me. Maybe still does a little. But we’re only friends. This can’t get out – it’d be terrible for her, for me, to have to pretend like we’re together. Can’t you just explain to Dispatch that they got it wrong?”

“Can I just expl—“ Jaehyuk starts, eyes bugging out of his head incredulously, before cutting himself off. “Maybe you should have thought of the repercussions before you actually WENT on a DATE with her! Tough shit, Jongin – you know that no one will buy that it was a one-time deal. Hell, the fans might crucify you further if they knew _that_ was the reality, saying you’re just a player or something,” the manager hisses, trying to shrug off the boy’s grip on his arm.

“Hyung, _please_! I never told Kyungsoo about it and I don’t want him finding out like this,” Jongin finally caves, hoping Jaehyuk will take pity on him and trusting Kyungsoo’s character assessment that their manager really isn’t a bad guy in the end.

It seems to work, as Jaehyuk stills upon hearing his words. After a brief moment of deliberation, the manager is pulled out of his thoughts by the front door of the dorm banging closed. Swearing, he turns and hands the dancer’s phone back to him. “You have exactly one minute before the other manager with me today, Dongkyu, comes in here to confiscate that to get the contents catalogued and wiped. Get rid of anything incriminating on there NOW and text Kyungsoo the heads up. If anyone asks, we didn’t have this conversation and I couldn’t find your phone, got it? I’m heading to SM to try and delay or stop this from getting out, but I doubt that’ll happen so don’t get your hopes up. I expect to see you there within the hour, escorted by Dongkyu.” With that, Jaehyuk spins on his heels and heads out to stall the other manager before Jongin can even thank him for this small act of mercy.

With quivering hands, he looks down at his phone. _‘This isn’t happening.’_ Jongin curses the timing. What he really needs is a few hours, not even half a day, until the singer’s back in the dorm. Then, he could actually sit down and talk to Kyungsoo like they’ve planned… but time is one thing he doesn’t have right now. His minute is ticking. Luckily, there’s nothing he needs to wipe from his phone; Kyungsoo, perpetually savvy, had always advised him to be careful with their texts and photos back when they were together. He tries to imagine breaking this news about Krystal to the elder via text and wants to vomit. He’s got to call. But… he hesitates as his mind races down two paths of action. He’s only got time to make one call. Him… or her? He’s got to choose, and choose quickly. “URGH,” he grunts out, frustrated but ultimately opting for what he deems to be the greater good.

He jams the speed dial button and holds his breath. “FUCK,” he says aloud when it starts going to voicemail. Can’t anyone ever pick up the damn phone when he calls? He hits redial and prays she was just waking up too slowly to answer the first time. Miraculously, it seems to be the case.

“Hello?” Krystal yawns into the phone. “It’s 6:10, Nini, what’s—“

“Dispatch has pictures of our date. My phone’s about to get confiscated and they’re probably coming for yours, too.”

“Shit!”

“Yeah. Jaehyuk’s trying to stall them. I’ll explain more in person. Meet me in the noodle place I like as soon as you can escape? Don’t let them take you to SM if you can help it – we’ll never get a chance to talk alone if so.”

“Okay, it might take awhile to slip awa—oh fuck, my manager’s here. Wait for me, I promise I’ll be there.” Krystal hangs up right as an unfamiliar person bursts into Jongin’s room. This must be Dongkyu.

“Aha! I knew you’d be tempted to pull it out from hiding if you thought you had a moment alone. Fork it over,” he says, summoning the phone with an obnoxious crooking of his finger.

Jongin sags his shoulders, pretending to be caught off guard, and hands him the phone with a frown. _‘I’m sorry, Soo,’_ he thinks as he prays that Jaehyuk will have better luck than anticipated.

“Get showered and dressed so you’re presentable,” Dongkyu grumbles.

Jongin sizes the man up, taking note of the manager’s chunky build, prominent potbelly, and short height. “Can I lean on you for support to get over to the bathroom? My ankle’s been acting up again, and it’s hard to carry my stuff with my crutches all at once. I’d need to make several trips,” he explains with a pitiful look and what he hopes passes for an embarrassed glance at the ground.

“Oh… okay, yeah,” Dongkyu replies, extending an arm with uncertainty. Jongin makes sure to lean most of his weight onto the man’s shoulder as they hobble around the room collecting his stuff. By the time the manager gets him to the bathroom, he’s huffing a bit and sweating from exertion.

_‘Perfect,’_ Jongin muses. _‘If I just wait for the right opportunity, slipping out should be a breeze.’_

.

.

.

Jongin ends up getting to the restaurant first. He orders a cup of tea and slouches down at a table in the back, keeping an eye the TVs in the place for any breaking news. At some point during his eventful morning, Dispatch released the pictures of him and Krystal, so it hangs on Jaehyuk now to delay any official response. Not having a phone on him is both restricting and strangely liberating. While he waits, he sits in deep contemplation, playing an elaborate game of Go against himself using salt and pepper packets on the table. It’s another two hours or more before Krystal arrives. By this time, SM has already confirmed the relationship and all the major news outlets are reporting on it, so Jongin’s keen on them finding a new location ASAP. Luckily, Krystal had already asked Amber to reach out to one of her non-celebrity friends who graciously offered to let them use their officetel for the day. It’s not too far away, and they depart for it immediately.

Once they’re safely inside without incident, Krystal flops down on the white sofa while Jongin opts to lean against the large window looking out across the city. Millions of Seoul residents are out and about, streets packed with pedestrians and cars alike, as people do business or head to lunch. _‘I wonder if Kyungsoo’s out there among them, or back at the dorm yet,’_ Jongin ponders, heart worriedly thrumming in his chest. It’s warm today, and the air conditioning against the glass creates condensation on the outside. He traces his fingers over the drops, slowly gliding down the outer panes, trying to come up with the right words to start the conversation with the person he’s physically in the room with, even if his heart is somewhere else.

As it turns out, it’s Krystal who speaks first. “Well, ain’t this some _Hunger Games_ shit. Hi, my name’s Peeta. Don’t worry: I don’t expect the _Mockingjay_ ending.” She smiles at him, but the bitter sarcasm in her joke is still evident.

He frowns, turning away from the window and settling down on the floor near the sofa to give her his full attention with a pained expression. “Krystal, I’m _so_ sorry.”

“Oh stop. You know I’m kidding. Like, 99% kidding anyway,” she admits with a tight-lipped smile before looking away to stare up at the high ceiling. “This really messes everything up for you, though, doesn’t it,” she says, inviting him to share his thoughts. Jongin had already informed her of drunken Kyungsoo’s revelations (conveniently leaving out any details of their almost hookup) the day after the singer had left for his parents’ house.

“We’re supposed to finally talk today, he and I. I had a feeling he was really going to tell me everything, so I was waiting, trying to be patient, letting him do it on his terms. And you know, perfecting my pout in case he was going to try to avoid me again afterward,” he jokes, attempting to match the humorous tone she’d tried to set for their conversation and lighten the mood some more. She snickers and kicks his shoe.

After sharing a grin with her, Jongin sighs, slumps back on the floor, and stares up, noticing the intricate maze pattern on the ceiling tiles that Krystal has been mesmerized with. The grooved lines meander in sharp angled pathways that don’t repeat like one might expect, leaving Jongin to wonder if there’s actually a way out or if it’s just a random configuration of lines that all lead to dead ends. “After this morning, waiting for him to approach me to offer explanations seems dumb. I’m pretty sure that plan is shot to shit.”

Krystal hums in agreement.

“But I’ve got a new one,” he says confidently.

Krystal turns to him, eyes wide with astonishment. “You do?”

“Well don’t act TOO surprised, geez.”

She laughs at the scrunched up face he gives her. “Sorry, I just thought… it sounded like you wanted us to connect to figure one out. I’ve been trying all morning, actually, to come up with something ‘cause I figured you needed help. You haven’t traditionally been the one with a lot of pre-formed plans.” He concedes this point with a light tilt of his head. “So what, you wanted us to sneak away to… brag that you’ve got it all figured out?” She gives him her signature _‘really?’_ face.

He pulls himself up from his prone position and scootches over to sit beside her on the couch. She sits up, as well, matching his posture and looking at him expectantly. Dropping all traces of humor in his voice, he explains. “No. First of all, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Jongin tries to convey his heartfelt sincerity through his eyes as he watches her expression carefully.

She holds his gaze a moment before dropping hers to her fingernails, busying herself with the chipped polish on her ring finger. “Nini, I know it’s not real.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” He pauses, giving her back a lingering pat and looking away to politely give her privacy to deal with the troublesome emotions. It’s weird, knowing that he’s simultaneously a source of pain and comfort, but he figures the least he can do is BE there. She rests her head on his shoulder with a sigh, and they just sit for a minute, friends consoling each other over a terrible morning and drawing solace from a reliable shoulder to lean on.

And then the moment passes, the world stabilizes around them, and Krystal sits back up. “Thanks for that. But really,” she insists, sliding a little further back to face him, “I’m alright.”

“Well, there’s a pretty good chance we’re both going to get some heat from each other’s fans. I apologize in advance for mine.” He puts his hand over his heart in a somewhat dramatic gesture.

It pulls a small smile out of the girl. “Okay, thanks. But since it’s out of our hands and a done deal, apparently, what are you going to say to Kyungsoo?” she asks, mouth twisted in concern.

He clears his throat. “About that…”

\-----------------------------------------------

Kyungsoo keeps to himself the last morning with his parents, ritually cleaning his room despite his mother’s protests that he should just go and she’ll take care of it. He wants the distraction, though, and the time to focus. He rehearses the opening lines of what he’ll say to Jongin in his head as he sweeps, mops, and dusts. Once he's made his parents an early lunch to show his appreciation for housing him during the break, he hails a cab and makes his way back to EXO’s neighborhood.

After paying the driver, Kyungsoo takes the elevator up to their floor and strolls up to the dorm’s front door. He cracks his neck from one side to the other before taking a deep breath. He’s ready to do this, to talk to Jongin. He’s finally ready. He’s…

He’s utterly unprepared for the scene in front of him when he opens the door. The whole place is a mess of noise with every member on their phone talking loudly or dialing frantically, most pacing around the common room while doing so. Junmyeon looks like a stockbroker out of a mid-90s movie, with a clipboard tucked under his arm and pen behind his ear, yelling numbers across the room to Sehun who may or may not be listening. In the sea of activity, Kyungsoo’s entrance initially goes unnoticed, and he watches the spectacle with confused awe as he puts his shoes away.

But then Minseok spots him. “Kyungsoo’s here! Kyungsoo might know!” he cheers aloud.

“Might know what?” he asks, bewildered by the greeting.

“I called you twice and you didn’t answer!” yells Junmyeon from the other side of the room, before returning to talk with whomever has picked up on his line.

Kyungsoo checks his phone and sees he accidentally bumped it to silent at some point this morning. He does indeed have two missed calls from the leader. “What’s going on?” he tries again, looking at Minseok for answers while edging along the wall toward his hallway.

“Jongin’s missing.”

“He’s MISSING?? How? When? Are we worried he was taken??” Fear and dread wrap around his chest making it hard to breathe.

Minseok laughs – LAUGHS – at his reaction until Chanyeol shoves him out of the way. “Be clear, hyung,” he scolds before turning to Kyungsoo. “No one took him. Jongin ran off.”

“Fucker went AWOL!” Jongdae chimes in. “Which would be amusing except for the fact we’ve got the Lotte World event tonight. We’re all checking with friends to see if anyone’s come across him today.”

“Well according to Taeyeon, no one from SNSD’s seen him,” Baekhyun announces as he ends his call. Their leader makes a mark on some elaborate grid he’s got on the sheet of paper attached to his clipboard before tucking it back under his arm. Baek makes his way over to join the small group now huddling outside of Kyungsoo’s room. “I don’t get all the panic, honestly. I mean, isn’t it obvious? He’s with Krystal.”

“Probably,” Sehun agrees lazily. Kyungsoo notices the boy’s not actually calling anyone on his phone like the rest of the members, just pretending to be searching through contacts when he’s actually playing some sidescrolling, endless runner game instead. “Serves them right to not be able to find them, taking their phones from them and everything.”

“Wait, they took his phone?” Kyungsoo asks, still having more questions than answers.

“Standard protocol,” Baek replies nonchalantly. “They need to go through them to assess how much damage control they might need to do, how much evidence already exists in texts or photos, and then wipe the phones before some of the unscrupulous journalists or employees at the phone companies try to hack into them.”

Kyungsoo feels the floor dropping out beneath him as he pieces everything together: Jongin’s somewhere hiding, probably with Krystal, and management took their phones. That can only mean…

Minseok’s giving him a perplexed look. “Haven’t you read the news at all today? Dispatch released pictures of Jongin and Krystal on a date from back in February, dressed in couple clothes together and everything. Gave evidence that the two of them have been in a relationship for a while now. Did you know about it?”

His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth as he tries to answer. “Well, they’ve been friends for a long time… it’s not unusual for them to hang out…” As he flounders around, constructing a plausible case of denial, he feels Chanyeol’s solid grip on his upper arm and turns toward him.

The giant swallows as he looks down at him, eyes soft with worry. “Soo, SM confirmed it a few hours later in a statement. Said they’ve been together since January.”

Chanyeol’s strong grasp on his arm is the only reason Kyungsoo is still standing up, his knees buckling at the news while he drops his duffel bag from his opposite hand. As he feels his heart crumble into a million pieces, he tries to conceal the crisis within by reaching out for one last ray of hope. “Jaehyuk. Where’s Jaehyuk-hyung?”

Jongdae pipes up. “As far as we know, he’s still at SM headquarters. He left early this morning after waking up Jongin – stormed out of here in a hurry, actually. That’s how Jongin slipped out. The junior manager tasked with keeping track of him had no chance, poor fellow. I think it’s his first day? Is it his first?” he asks Minseok for an opinion, and the eldest shrugs.

“His only shot would have been anticipating Jongin was going to bolt in the first place. There’s no way that manager’s stubby legs were going to run down a sprinting Nini, though it was pretty amusing to see him try. Injured foot or not – Jongin can book it when he wants to.” Jongdae laughs at Minseok’s assessment and starts imitating what must have happened that morning, peering around the wall and then hobbling double-time toward the door before returning to a chuckling Baekhyun.

Now reassured that wherever Jongin is, it’s by his own volition and he’s not in danger, Kyungsoo wants no part of finding and dragging him back to the dorm. Unable to handle the lighthearted bantering between the members as they discuss the situation, Kyungsoo opens his door and slides in. “I have a headache and need to lay down,” he remarks wearily, feeling himself slowly come undone. The majority of the group nod in acknowledgement and move their re-enactment of the morning’s events away from the singer’s doorway. Except for Chanyeol, who hasn’t quite released his grip on his arm yet. Nor stopped giving him that damn look of pity.

“Soo, are you okay?”

“Yeah, Yeol. I just want to be alone right now. It-It’ll be easier for me to brainstorm where he might have gone after a quick rest,” he offers weakly as an excuse. It’s enough to make the taller gently let go of his arm, though he feels the giant’s eyes on him until he closes the door tightly behind him. He leans against it and lets his head bang backward as his slides down into a puddle of misery on the floor. Tears slowly gather at the corners of his eyes as Jongin’s urgent voicemail replays in his head. Kyungsoo’s breathing is ragged, each jagged exhale feeling like a rough blade that rips his chest apart, cut by cut. He clasps a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs spilling out as it dawns on him.

_‘So that’s why we needed to talk. The sooner the better, he’d said…_

_‘I’m too late.’_

\--------------------------------------------------

Jongin knows he’s cutting it close. Too close. He’s got 30 minutes at best before he’s supposed to be on stage, so he’s not surprised to see an enraged Jaehyuk when he rolls up to the venue in his cab.

“I knew you’d run, but I’m disappointed about the company you chose to keep after that _story_ you told me this morning. f(x)’s manager told me Krystal was missing all day, too. What, did you have a great ‘second’ date?” he snarls at him.

The dancer sighs and shakes his head. “It’s not like that. We had a lot to talk about, and I needed to do it before I spoke with Kyungsoo. Did you tell him anything?”

Jaehyuk snorts. “No. I just got here a few minutes ago. I was out all day looking for your renegade ass all over town. Plus, I’m not sure what I would have said. Some things deserve to be delivered directly from the source, not a messenger.” He gives Jongin’s appearance a once over and directs him to a dressing room on the side with a jerk of his head. “Get ready. I’m keeping you separate from the group before it’s time to get up onstage; it’ll be nothing but chaos if you go in there with the other members right now. They want to know all the dirty details,” he says with an unamused grunt.

Jongin doesn’t retort, understanding Jaehyuk’s ire and acquiescing to his request by heading straight to his assigned room. After suiting up and getting his hair and make-up done by a stylist sent over by the manager, Jongin is ready to face the music. He’s just got to get through this next hour and a half, and then he’ll be able to explain everything to Kyungsoo and it’ll be okay… right?

Jaehyuk allows him to rejoin the group only just as they’re lining up to get introduced to the stage. As the manager had predicted, Jongin is swarmed by the majority of his group members almost immediately, all throwing out a variety of congratulatory greetings or asking where/when/how questions. The only person he really wants to see is the pale-skinned, dark-haired beauty who’s off to the side, away from the group, and refusing to look his direction. Too many people stand between him and the singer, and Jongin can’t wade through them to get to the one his heart is calling out for.

Jaehyuk barks at them to line-up properly to get onstage, and everyone moves into position at once with practiced ease. Jongin finds his spot behind Junmyeon and then looks over his shoulder, trying to get Kyungsoo’s attention as they shuffle towards the stage. “Hyung,” he whispers, but the singer won’t take his eyes off the ground by his feet and they’re already being ushered in front of the cheering crowd.

Still, Jongin doesn’t want to give up. All he really needs is one solid moment of eye contact, to try to convey that everything’s okay, that outsiders might say things and make up stories about them, whether it’s about D.O. and Sojin or Kai and Krystal, but they never know. The only thing that matters is that **_they_** know, that they’re honest with each other about what they really share: a love that’s bloomed in the most unlikely of conditions, against all odds, because they’re perfect together, designed for each other in both their similarities and differences.

Okay, maybe he’s hoping to say too much with one look, even if they know how to read each other well due to years of practice. But Jongin keeps staring and sneaking glances, trying to get Kyungsoo’s attention to at least convey, _“It’s not what you think,”_ or _“There’s only you, hyung.”_

The whole performance set is pure torture for the dancer because D.O. is purposefully avoiding looking his direction. While he’s sad the boy can’t bear to look at him, it’s worse because Jongin knows now: Kyungsoo’s not ignoring him because he’s mad or indifferent.  He can read the pain on the older’s face. The singer is in agony, gulping down his feelings and trying to not cry while being forced to sit on stage next to him, believing that Jongin’s heart belongs to someone else. Just thinking about being in Kyungsoo’s position, envisioning that the elder had fallen for another, has the dancer taking a slow breath from the deep, hypothetical hurt.

The second their event is over, Kyungsoo is hurrying off the stage, clearly bent on putting as much distance between himself and the dancer as possible, but there’s no way Jongin’s going to let him escape. Using his long legs to his advantage and ignoring the pain in his ankle, he chases after the singer, catching him by surprise and tugging him into the dressing room off to the side where he’d gotten ready.

The moment he has them safely inside with the door shut, he whirls around to start explaining. “Soo, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine—“

But the elder cuts him off, taking two quick steps back and sliding his hand out of Jongin’s grasp. His eyes only make it as far up as Jongin’s chest, like he’s trying to make eye contact but doesn’t trust himself to do so. His voice comes out, weak and broken, audibly trying not to crack with the pain. “Don’t apologize. You don’t owe me anything. And you tried to tell me about her beforehand. I was the one who ran away.”

Jongin takes a step forward. “No, it’s not —“

But the singer keeps talking, as though he’s trying to get out the words before he’s lost the ability to speak, chest heaving as he whispers through the sobs threatening to slip out. “She’s great, and I know she’s crazy about yo—“

Jongin can’t waste another second waiting, being polite, or tiptoeing around the truth. “KYUNGSOO,” his abrupt address cuts off the elder’s voice. The singer’s eyes drop further to the ground, and he coils into himself as the tears start to flow. “Look at me.” Stepping forward bravely, the younger slides his hands behind the back of the singer’s neck, tipping his head up to force him to meet his eyes, desperate to spill what’s been on his heart for years now. “Do Kyungsoo, I love you.”

The big, brown eyes that Jongin adore so much, with their rich pools of chocolate swimming in tears, flicker a little under brows that are bent upward and drawn together in a mix of disbelief and confusion. And even like this, Kyungsoo’s beauty is so breathtaking, he has to marvel at it before continuing. The rest of the world fades away as Jongin lets go and allows the words to flow directly from his heart.

“I love you, hyung. I’ve loved you for so long now. That announcement, it’s not real. What’s real is how I can’t help but stare when you’re in the room, and how I miss you every second you’re gone. What’s real is how I feel my heart leap every time you smile, and how I want nothing more than to hold you whenever you frown. What’s real is how I don’t sleep well if it’s not in your arms at night, and how I just can’t stand another minute pretending I’ll ever be okay without you. I love you, Soo. I love you. I lov–“

Jongin is content to keep repeating those three words, a hundred times if necessary to get the truth across. But it turns out three times is enough, as the weight of them sinks in deep enough that Kyungsoo finally believes he’s not hearing things and reacts with every muscle in his aching body, lunging upward to capture the younger’s lips in an intense kiss full of need, of longing, of love.

“I love you, too,” he breathes out between passionate, closed-mouth kisses that have Jongin tearing up with the feeling behind each one. “God, I love you so much.”

And for a brief moment, everything is right in the world. No one can disrupt them in this space, this perfect reunion of two hearts that had been tethered just out of reach of each other for so long. With each heart straining at the chains at different times, yet always getting choked back for one reason or another, they’re emotionally bruised and bleeding, but with each brush of their lips, they slowly seal up all the cuts in each other, mending every injury as their hearts meld together and begin to beat as one. Their mouths connect and reconnect, over and over, with no rush. The bond of their mutual love grows stronger with each tender stroke of their tongues, each soft caress of swollen lips.

After several minutes of healing kisses, Jongin nuzzles into the warmth of Kyungsoo’s plush cheek, feeling the other similarly nestle into his neck. “I’m sorry,” the older whispers against his skin.

“I’m sorry, too,” he replies with a gentle press of his lips into the singer’s temple. No more words are needed. They both played a part in the unbearable agony they’ve gone through, and even though the specific details of what they’re apologizing for aren’t clear, it all eventually boils down to the same thing: _‘I’m sorry I let fear hold me back from loving you completely.’_

As time passes in each other’s warm embrace, though, Jongin can still feel Kyungsoo’s tears falling onto his neck and rolling down his collarbones. “It’s going to be okay, Soo,” he reassures, stroking his hair.

The elder lets out a soft sob, clinging to him even harder. “Sort of. I mean, honestly, just knowing you feel the same way, that’s more than I could have ever asked for. So even though we can’t really be together, I’ll be able to endure it.”

Jongin pulls back and speaks resolutely. “I’m not going to let that happen. We’re not staying apart just because Jaehyuk is a homophobe and worried about the press finding out.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No, that’s just it. That’s what I needed to tell you. It’s not Jaehyuk who’s the problem. It’s the Vice President.”

The lines on Jongin’s forehead knit together. “The VP? I thought he was just pissed about the Gayo Daejun pictures. We haven’t heard from him in months.”

The older gives him an apologetic frown. “That’s not true. He… he yelled at me after the Singapore concert, for touching you on stage. He figured out that we weren’t just friends, that I was actually in love with you.”

Jongin’s eyes fly open with alarm. “What’d he say? Did he threaten you?”

“Sort of… he started to say he’d cancel my acting gigs but I called his bluff. But then he told me if I didn’t back off, sever ties with you completely, that he’d block all of your individual activities. He was going to cancel _Choco Bank_ and make sure you never had other modeling opportunities or anything else, killing them from the get go so you’d never even know what kinds of projects you were being sought out for. He swore he’d ruin any future career options and make you think you were never worth anything more than a dime-a-dozen idol dancer, and I couldn’t bear that, Jongin! I couldn’t stand by and watch him tear you down like that when there was something I could do about it.”

Jongin gasps at the revelation, coming unglued at how the elder had gone through all that alone and carried this burden by himself for the past three months. “You stubborn, beautiful man,” he says between bruising kisses he pushes to the older’s lips, cheeks, and forehead. “Don’t you EVER do something like that again, do you hear me?!” he half yells as stray tears leak out, overwhelmed by Kyungsoo’s selfless act of love. Cradling the singer’s face in his hands, he bores his eyes into the elder’s to make sure he knows how serious he is. Kyungsoo gives a small nod, and then Jongin is crushing the shorter boy into his chest, petting his hair as the pieces all fall into place. “Did Jaehyuk know about any of this?”

“Yeah, he knew about it all. He knows I love you, has known since the night of the Gayo Daejun meeting. He was trying to help me, because he understood why I had to undo us, even our friendship, to protect you.”

It’s so much information at once. Jongin feels like he might drown in it, but he swallows and steels himself. Carefully brushing the singer’s fringe back so their eyes meet again, he explains, “Kyungsoo, nothing could ever hurt me as much as losing you. You have to understand that. Maybe even I didn’t know it back then, but I’m more than sure of it now, and I need you to grasp that, too. There’s nothing the VP could say or do to me that would destroy me half as much as thinking you never loved me, that the time we’ve shared wasn’t worth it to you.”

“I’m sorry!” Kyungsoo cries out, recognizing the hurtful words he’d hurled at the younger immediately.

“Shhhhh, no more apologies. I could say just as many ‘sorrys’ back, believing you’d suddenly cared more about protecting yourself than about us, after I’d already witnessed you stick up for me that night in the SM building, first in front of the VP and then in front of Jaehyuk.” They cling to each other in silence, each winding their arms somehow tighter and tighter around the other, as they calm down.

And then Kyungsoo’s demeanor changes a bit. Having surrendered to his emotions so honestly in a way Jongin imagines he hasn’t ever before, the older boy subtly rights himself, no longer leaning on the younger, and stands a little firmer on his own feet. Kyungsoo can’t seem to stop himself from stealing a few more tender kisses off the younger’s lips, but when he breaks contact, he gives him a sad smile. “I’m glad I finally got the chance to tell you what happened, why I pulled away, but baby, I’m not sure yet how we’re going to sort through this mess. Especially with your dating announcement today adding to our troubles. But I swear to you, I’ll figure something out, okay?” Kyungsoo’s firm hand around his waist and loving caress to his cheek signify him slipping back into his hyung role now that the tears are all spent. And as much as Jongin swoons from it and that safe feeling of being taken care of again, he feels a surge of courage and desire to pay back all that Kyungsoo has already done for him.

“Hyung, do you trust me?”

The elder startles a little at the question. “Of course I do.”

A smile plays on Jongin’s lips, Kyungsoo’s quick reply giving him the last boost of confidence he needs. More serious than he’s ever been before in his life, he straightens to his full height. “Then come on. This ends tonight.”

“What? Where are we going?” Kyungsoo questions, but he follows as Jongin strides forward to lead him out of the room and into the hallway with a firm grip on his hand. Luckily, Jongin spots the man he needs right away.

“Jaehyuk! Call the VP. I want a meeting in headquarters, **tonight.** Tell him it’s an emergency.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Dispatch leaked the pics [around 8am KST](https://twitter.com/theseoulstory/status/715708529441529856), so that fits with Jongin having to get up early in the story
>   * SM confirmed [about 3 hours later](http://news.kukinews.com/news/article.html?no=358956), so Jaehyuk had a little time to try to stall it
>   * Ok, I don’t _really_ want to have to re-live Lotte World Secret Night, but if you’re up for it, [here’s Kai watching D.O. with lots of concern](https://youtu.be/FqUHOEZEUrI?t=14s) (and excessive blinking back of tears), like he was trying to get eye contact as per the story but never got it, and here’s a [quick video compilation of sad Soo](https://youtu.be/BStXh9yhD6Y?t=17s) trying to keep it together that night (annnnnd now I need a hug)
> 

> 
> But it’s okay! :screams: Because right after that, backstage, there were confessions! (#iwanttobelieve) Finally! Guys, I know it’s been a long time coming, so I hope I did them justice with their reunion and Soo’s explanations to Nini.
> 
> April 1 still hurts but hopefully not too much. (I tried to inject some humor with the members so Soo’s heartache wasn’t so painful to read, not sure if that worked.)
> 
> Maybe you thought this scene was the climax of the fic? But on this crazy Kaisoo rollercoaster, we’ve got one last big hill to climb… Next chapter: It’s Going Down For Real!!! Hold on e’erybody!!!
> 
>  What'd you like/not like in this ch, and what do you think is going to happen next? Talk with me in the comments - I always reply!


	30. Seriously, The Longest Night

Ch 29(ii) – Seriously, The Longest Night

 

It took a few minutes to get Jaehyuk up to speed, as he initially sneered at Jongin trying to give him orders. Kyungsoo intervened, explaining to the manager that he had finally talked openly with the younger. “Jongin feels the same way, hyung,” he tries to reassure him. Kyungsoo feels himself flushing, not yet confident to declare out loud that the boy loves him. With each passing moment, though, he more firmly believes this once fragile dream is coming true, as the bright edges of this new reality gradually come into sharper focus.

Jaehyuk, however, narrows his eyes suspiciously at Jongin.

“I love him,” the dancer declares unabashedly. “And I understand now why you were interfering. I… I appreciate you trying to take care of Kyungsoo,” Jongin says, somewhat reluctantly. “But I really need us to meet with the VP. Tonight.” The younger’s height has him naturally towering over the manager, casually projecting authority as he makes it clear he’s not asking, he’s telling.

Jaehyuk considers the younger with pursed lips. “What makes you think he’ll agree even if I request it? It’s already late on a Friday night.”

“I imagine he wanted to meet with me earlier today. Just make it sound like you’re dragging me before him like he wanted, like you’re not letting me avoid it until morning, doing it to punish me. That ought to sit well with him,” he suggests helpfully.

“That… that might work actually,” the manager agrees. Turning to Kyungsoo, he knits his brows together. “But what do you want to talk to him about? Are you planning to ask permissi—“

The singer clears his throat. “Um, this is Jongin’s meeting. So you should ask him.”

Jaehyuk’s eyes shift back and forth between the two before settling on Jongin. “You’re sure this is a good idea?”

“I’m sure it’s necessary, let’s just put it that way,” he replies.

Jaehyuk takes a slow inhale and then nods his head. The trio make their way to the van as the manager rings the VP.

.

.

.

Kyungsoo keeps his hold on Jongin’s hand the whole ride over to the SM building. The younger’s warm, firm grip is reassuring, and Kyungsoo uses his free hand to thumb lovingly over all the ridges of the boy’s knuckles. He ends up tracing the dancer’s prominent veins gently up his forearms, admiring the way the golden skin bends and flexes under his touch. When he looks up, he catches Jongin watching him with an adoring smile on his lips. The taller leans down and presses a light kiss to his forehead. Kyungsoo finds himself releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, memorizing the feeling of those soft lips against his skin, just in case… ‘No, don’t think like that,’ he scolds himself. Jongin rests a steady palm on his knee, which the older didn’t realize he’d been bouncing nervously, either.

“Don’t worry, Soo. We’ll get through this together.”

And there’s something about the way the words roll of his tongue that makes the older really believe it. He feels Jongin’s peace of mind seep into his very being as they lurch to a stop at their destination. It’s only as they exit the car and the younger tosses a “Just follow my lead” over his shoulder at him that Kyungsoo recognizes it: the cheeky dancer is using the same words he’d spoken the last time they were heading in to meet with the VP in the middle of the night. It’s déjà vu, only this time, everything is turned on its edge. Like all the players are inside a snowglobe that’s been shaken up, each person seems to fill a different role and carry a different countenance. Surely the outcome will be better? After all, Jaehyuk, the lines on his face uneasy rather than angry, is walking in with them this time, giving an impression of it almost being a 3 on 1 situation…

Nonetheless, the moment they’re inside the building, worry begins to creep back into Kyungsoo’s system as he starts thinking about Jongin putting himself in the VP’s crosshairs. ‘I’ve got to be ready to intervene and take the heat, if necessary. I’ll say it was my idea, whatever it is Jongin’s planning, if the VP doesn’t receive it well.’  No matter how self-composed he fixes his outer appearance to be, Kyungsoo feels the prickle of fear knowing he’s about to face a hostile, homophobic man with significant power over their futures. It was easier last time, knowing he still had his secrets to himself. Now, Kyungsoo’s identity is already fully exposed to the VP, both in terms of his sexuality and his love for the radiant boy walking in front of him down the hall. Their opponent knows his weaknesses all too well this time around – and has proven that he isn’t afraid to exploit them; as a result, Kyungsoo is having a harder time mustering up the same level of bravado he had months before.

His train of thought is cut off by Jaehyuk knocking on the ominous double doors to the VP’s office. The cherry wood is thick and engraved with sharp, concentric square patterns that span from the floor to the ceiling, as though designed to suck and box in any visitors. ‘Were they this imposing last time I was here?’ he wonders. Kyungsoo only remembers being laser-focused on concocting plausible explanations for whatever the VP might throw at them, to protect Jongin, so he has no recollection of the insignificant details of their surroundings that night.

“Come in,” booms the voice on the other side of the heavy doors. Kyungsoo ignores the slight shiver that goes down his spine and slides in the room behind Jongin, who stops behind the middle chair facing the executive, placing his hands on the tall back of the chair.

“Well if it isn’t our Casanova,” the VP greets, with derisive amusement in his tone. “Finally done running off with your girl?”

Jaehyuk shuts the doors behind them and walks over to the chair on the left. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, rolls his shoulders back, and buttons his blazer as he steps out from behind Jongin to stand beside the last remaining chair on the right. He keeps his gaze cold and sure as the executive drops a patronizing smirk and flinches in surprise before gritting out, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Jongin speaks immediately, drawing the man’s eyes back to him. “There’s no need for us to start off so impolitely, VP-nim. Let us at least greet you properly, first,” he says before giving only the slightest incline of his head in the boss’s direction rather than a deep bow. Kyungsoo has to choke back a chortle at the younger’s sass and forces himself to give a slightly more respectful quarter bow to cover it up. When he raises back up, he witnesses the VP’s eyes flare with anger as Jongin continues to lecture the boss on manners with a faux innocent tone: “Aren’t you going to invite us to sit down?”

“NO,” the exec barks out in retaliation. Kyungsoo notices out of the corner of his eye that Jaehyuk was already halfway to his seat and has to jerk back up unnaturally to stand before his butt hits the chair, the manager rubbing his hands nervously at how this is all unfolding. “What’s the meaning of this?” the VP demands.

“I should be asking you the same thing, with respect to the statement you released earlier today without my consent. I’m certain Jaehyuk-hyung relayed my reluctance for you to respond to the rumors.” The dancer and the manager meet eyes for a moment, and Jaehyuk gives a short nod to indicate this is true.

The VP laughs, venom dripping from his voice as he starts in on Jongin. “Like that was even your place to protest. You and Krystal should have been more careful than to flaunt your experimental romance. Sorry, Jongin, we’re not in the habit of denying photographic evidence of dates, especially when they’re admittedly real by the couple in question.” The boss’s eyes flicker over to the singer at the end of his sentence with a sadistic smile.

Kyungsoo gulps, suddenly wanting to disappear but striving not to let it show, trying not to give the VP the satisfaction of seeing his pain. His mind wanders into places and spaces it shouldn’t, though, no matter how much he tries to prevent it. ‘So they were dating. For how long? Did she touch him like—‘

“You didn’t know, did you? Aw, did your best friend not confide in you about the girl he was smitten with?” the VP mocks Kyungsoo, snapping him out of his trance.

“How dare you talk to him like that,” Jongin snarls, stepping in front of the singer as a physical buffer to break the viscious gaze the boss had fixed upon the smaller. “Are you even human? How can you enjoy torturing someone by using their love for another person against them?” he seethes.

Kyungsoo had already rearranged his expression to be stoic again and placed his hand on Jongin’s waist to gently push him back to his side, trying to reassure him that he was okay and keep the younger out of the crossfire. Then the meaning of the dancer’s words hits him, and Kyungsoo gazes over at him with concern. Does Jongin realize the information he just gave away?

The younger’s next words remove all doubt. Staring directly at the shocked VP, he states plainly, “Yeah, I know. I know now about your hidden conversations about me with Kyungsoo. I also know about his feelings for me and how you used them to manipulate him into staying away from me. But here’s something you don’t know: I love him, too.”

The executive recoils in surprise and, unmistakeably, repugnance. Kyungsoo wants to reach up and shield Jongin’s eyes from the view, knowing this has to be a painful way to experience only his second time coming out to someone. But the powerful aura emanating from the boy man next to him keeps his arms by his sides. Jongin is doing just fine on his own, he notes with awe at the younger’s steely composure. When the dancer speaks again, it’s with a ferocity Kyungsoo’s never witnessed from him before.

“If you want to threaten me, do it to my face. Don’t you dare try to pressure my boyfriend to get to me or vice versa: It won’t work anymore. We’re in this together now.” To prove his point, Jongin reaches down and interlaces fingers with Kyungsoo before looking deep into his eyes, with just a flash of vulnerability as if he’s making sure the older hasn’t changed his mind. Kyungsoo gives him a quick, firm nod and squeezes his hand tightly, even if he’s not positive exactly where this is going. All he knows is that Jongin asked for his trust, and he gives it to him with his whole heart. He turns his attention back to the executive in front of them, trying not to flush from the thrill of hearing Jongin call him his boyfriend out loud for the first time.

“This is all very touching, this sudden solidarity, but where the fuck do you think you get off telling me what to do? And acting like you’re going to carry on this despicable, unnatural relationship?” The verbal assault makes Kyungsoo’s blood boil, as the man points a chubby finger at Jongin emphatically. “In case you’ve forgotten, you’re dating Krystal now. The whole media circus is going to be tailing your ass constantly, and you’ll be crucified by them if you seem like you’re stepping out on her. Plus, I bet she’ll be none-to-pleased to be gilted by you now, for this sick infatuation of yours,” the VP snarls before giving them a smug look.

“Ah, but you’ve underestimated her and I – our friendship. Krystal already knows about Kyungsoo, and she’s on board to keep our secret. Or, if it better serves both our needs, to join with me in denying that her and I were ever a couple and attesting that this was orchestrated, against our will, by SM.”

Everyone in the room is gaping at Jongin who just calmly waits for a response from the VP, clearly satisfied that his trump card has had such a shocking effect.

“You’re bluffing. Krystal wouldn’t sabotage—“

“Wouldn’t she? Do you have such a short memory that you’ve forgotten how you screwed over her sister? You don’t get it, do you? You think what you’re doing is “just business?” Then maybe you shouldn’t make everything so personal. You exploit Kyungsoo’s devotion to me because you assumed it was one-sided. You underestimate the fondness Krystal and I have for each other, and you even are stupid enough to not recognize the strength of a younger sister’s love for her unnie. She’s had mixed feelings at best about SM management since you forced Jessica out of SNSD and then the company, and she doesn’t really need you anymore. She’s been over the idol life for awhile and would rather focus on acting and fashion, anyway. Any other entertainment company would be more than happy to sign her when her contract expires in just a few short months. Renegotiations with her and her family have already been tense, haven’t they?”

The VP’s eyes widen, obviously not having considered that Jongin would be privy to such details. The dancer leans in, brushing a bit of dust off the boss’s desk nonchalantly, knowing he has the man’s full attention now.

“The way I see it, you’ve lost all your leverage. You lost it the moment you decided to ‘confirm’ a relationship between me and Krystal. Because now, should it be made known that you knew it WASN’T a real relationship, your credibility with the fans and the media are shot. You’ll be known, publicly, as a complete liar. And such a shocking scandal might not look good for me and her at first, but the press is likely to be sympathetic since it wasn’t us who confirmed the rumors. So let’s look at this from a simple business perspective. If this is really the hill you want to die on, trying to dictate our personal lives, Krystal will walk. You’re bound to see your stocks fall, EXO might lose a few sponsorship deals from the mess, f(x) will dissolve if it’s just 3 members, and then you’ll miss out on all of Krystal’s acting and promotional deals, too. Wow, that’s a lot to sacrifice, VP-nim, just because you hate the fact that Kyungsoo and I love each other.”

The VP splutters but produces no coherent response at first, while Kyungsoo and Jaehyuk look on with quiet amazement. “Let’s get one thing straight here: it is in everyone’s best interest that the media continue to believe that you and Krystal are together for a while now that it’s out there. At least several months, if not a full year.”

Jongin tilts his head non-commitally and puckers his lips as if considering the VPs words, but Kyungsoo recognizes this face: the younger is only downplaying the truth to that statement as a tactic to negotiate for something. He’d done this with great success in the past with Kyungsoo, (though only because the elder thought he looked so damn cute with that pensive pout that he’d give in to whatever unfair ‘deal’ the younger came up with). After a moment of fake pondering, Jongin replies firmly, “If I’m going to do this, keep up the guise of being with Krystal, then I want your explicit agreement that I get more leeway to publicly act however I want with Kyungsoo.”

“What do you mean, leeway?” the VP asks with a narrowed, suspicious eye.

“I mean, short of actually kissing him breathless on the red carpet, I’m going to act however I want to around him in public. Press shouldn’t care, since I am ‘dating’ Krystal after all. I will stand next to him in photoshoots, I will flirt, I will be complimentary in interviews, I will openly adore him, and you won’t say two words to me OR HIM about it.”

Visibly uncomfortable again at the open declaration of affection, the VP squirms in his seat. “Well that’s—you’ve got to hold back at least some.”

“Oh I will: I already said I won’t actually kiss him. If you actually understood how often I feel like doing that, you’d understand how much I’m still going to be holding back. That’s the only promise I’m willing to make,” Jongin says with an air of dismissal and a hand gesture that conveys ‘take it or leave it.’

Kyungsoo is blushing from head to toe as he marvels at Jongin’s boldness.

“… fine,” the VP says through gritted teeth. “Once you’re promoting again, I won’t interfere with any public shenanigans, provided you’re still judicious enough to avoid situations where the only conclusion that could be drawn is that you’re openly dating. And you still have to get ‘caught’ out with Krystal from time to time.”

Jongin puts both hands up in a ‘wait’ gesture with a light shake of his head to indicate he’s not in full agreement. “I won’t make any agreements on Krystal’s behalf beyond what I’d already discussed with her: you’ll have to talk to her directly about that. If she’s comfortable with it, sure, I’ll agree to hang out with her in public on rare occasions. We’re very private people, though – I doubt the press will expect to see us often.”

Kyungsoo bristles a touch at this but wills his jealous side to simmer down. What Jongin’s already accomplished here is nothing short of amazing. He’s growing anxious to leave before the VP backs out of the deal, not to mention he’s itching to express his appreciation for the younger in more ways than one… but apparently, the dancer’s not done yet.

“There’s one final, important facet that we haven’t addressed.” Jongin is composed as ever, with his no-nonsense, business face still firmly in place.

‘Fuck, he’s irresistable when he’s unrepentantly in charge,’ Kyungsoo finds himself internally drooling over the suave man before him. They may need to roleplay this sometime… he jerks himself back to the present, filing the persona away in his mind for later and swatting the wild beast inside him to keep it at bay. He has no idea where the younger is going with this final topic, but the authority with which he speaks has Kyungsoo feeling completely serene in his care.

The VP sighs, obviously wary of conceding anymore territory but already looking defeated. “And what is that?”

“We need to tell all the members of EXO. It’s imperative they are fully aware of the situation so that we can run interference as necessary if any outsider asks leading questions or gets suspicious. With appropriate preparation, I’m confident we can handle it well as a team, to protect everyone’s best interests,” Jongin says coolly.

“I fully agree,” Jaehyuk suddenly speaks up from the far side of the room. “The most prudent approach is to brief every member, discuss the importance of obfuscating certain things in interviews, and then trust that they will coordinate appropriately whenever in the press’s eye. EXO’s a strong and mature unit at this point, and I’m sure they’ll cooperate whole-heartedly.”

“You think they’re all going to be okay with having two fags in their midst,” the VP questions flatly.

“I think they respect the work ethic and devotion that Kyungsoo and Jongin have always shown toward the group and care enough about them as individuals that they’ll understand when they say they want to be together, despite everything. Yes, I do,” Jaehyuk calmly replies.

Kyungsoo is overwhelmed at their manager’s support and the skillful way he dodges the homophobic slurs and spins their story in a different light. He’s also touched at the confidence with which Jaehyuk describes the members rallying around him and Jongin to protect them. Honestly, he’s never been quite that optimistic.

Resigned and recognizing he has no ally in the room, the VP nods in agreement. “Okay fine. Tell the members and train them to keep their mouths shut and divert attention away from it. All other staff should be kept in the dark, you understand? The wider you cast this fucking net, the more likely you’re going to run into conscientious objectors like myself,” he warns with a sneer.

It feels like the meeting is over, and they move to go, but the VP clears his throat. “If you two screw this up,” he growls, “I’ll cut you fucking loose. Don’t come crying to me for help.”

Feeling a surge of protectiveness, Kyungsoo reaches out and wraps his arm around Jongin’s waist and pulls him close to his side. Turning to look over his shoulder, he glares at the VP, dead in the eye and says, “Don’t worry. We won’t mess it up. It took you more than two years to figure it out and we were right in front of you the whole time.” Satisfied with the shock evident on the VP’s face, Kyungsoo turns to smile at his boyfriend, and they push through the double doors of the office, side by side.

.

.

.

The ride home is a mess of celebratory making out in the back of the van punctuated by occasional exclamations of “you were amazing in there” and “I can’t believe you’re finally really mine.” Both boys apparently left all their shame back in the SM building because they’re not even trying to be subtle: Jongin practically pounced on Kyungsoo the moment they entered the vehicle, knocking him almost flat against the back seat, and the older boy found himself pulling the younger closer as he gave in and laid down rather than pushing back up to sit in at least a semi-respectable manner. In the driver’s seat, Jaehyuk rolls his eyes and calls Junmyeon on his cell as he starts driving.

“Hey, gather the members in the common room. We need a group meeting when I get there in a few minutes… I don’t care if some of them are sleeping already, get them up. I should be there in just under 10.”

Kyungsoo tears himself away from devouring Jongin’s luscious lips, with some difficulty, and props himself up a little on his elbows to look at the manager, perplexed. “Wait, we’re telling them tonight?” The singer checks his watch. “It’s already past midnight.” Meanwhile, the younger boy is not deterred at all by this distraction, simply latching his lips onto the singer’s throat and mouthing down his neck, hands greedily embedded inside the older’s blazer, groping at his pecs and then running along his upper back, eliciting a low groan from Kyungsoo.

Jaehyuk flicks his eyes up briefly into the rearview mirror to look at Kyungsoo. “I kinda get the feeling that it can’t wait,” he deadpans before returning his eyes to the road.

Flushing, Kyungsoo turns back to meet Jongin’s mouth ardently a few more times before pushing him back gently by the shoulders. “Shouldn’t we figure out what we’re going to tell them?”

“What do you mean? We just tell them the truth,” Jongin says, considering the case closed and licking back into his mouth.

Kyungsoo doesn’t deny him a wet, sloppy kiss, moaning and almost losing control yet again to the untamed monster inside that wants to tear the dancer’s clothes off right here in the van. (Good gracious, it’s been too long.) But then he breaks off the kiss again to speak. “But how much of the truth do we tell? Do we start at the beginning and explain everything or—“

“Hell no, not tonight. That’ll take too long – I’ve got plans,” Jongin says with a wink. Kyungsoo feels his own eyes flash dangerously: Jongin has no idea what he’s in for this evening. But curbing his appetite once more, he smacks the younger on the shoulder in reprimand for his sass during what ought to be serious discussion. They’re going to be coming out to a small crowd, after all. Neither one of them has done that before. Jongin chuckles at the playful wallop before softening and placing a tender kiss on his nose. “We’ll just tell them the basics, and then give them some time to let it sink in.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo agrees, sitting up and giving a light peck on the other’s lips. Jongin looks like he’s about to whine about their upright position when the elder snuggles into his side and lays his head against his chest.

“Are you nervous?” he asks, fingers combing through Kyungsoo’s hair as he nuzzles into the crown of his head.

“Just a little. Aren’t you?”

“Not really. I’ve kind of given up on fear – it’s nothing compared to getting to love you.”

Kyungsoo reflects that he should find that line cheesy, but he swoons under the unadulterated affection and tips his head back to press a sweet kiss right beneath Jongin’s ear. Before he knows it, his heartfelt pecks along the younger’s jaw have led him back to the boy’s mouth, which he claims again in a passionate kiss, swirling his tongue against Jongin’s.  While nipping his teeth gently along the other’s swollen bottom lip, Kyungsoo feels himself start to lose control again, swallowing the dancer’s moans as he pulls him tightly against his chest, one hand on Jongin’s neck and the other on his back and creeping lower.

“Okay, okay, break it up back there. We’re here. We need to at least get into the dorm without incident, guys, geez,” Jaehyuk announces.

When they walk into the foyer, they see all the current residents of the dorm sprawled around the common room in various states of getting ready for bed. Junmyeon has just finished rousing Sehun, it seems, who waddles in perturbed and burritoed in a blanket, dropping harshly onto the couch next to Chanyeol, who’s the only one who seems fully awake and even eager to participate in this impromptu group meeting.

“Okay,” Jaehyuk says. “Um, we just finished having an important conversation with the Vice President, and Kyungsoo and Jongin have something they need to tell you guys.” With that, the manager steps to the side and nods an encouraging ‘go ahead.’

This is it. Kyungsoo feels like he should do it, since the other has already done so much tonight, but apparently he’s taking a second too long because after sharing a brief fond look with him, Jongin turns to the room and straightforwardly announces, “I’m in love with Kyungsoo. And thankfully, he loves me, too. We know doing this means a certain amount of danger for us and by extension for EXO, so we’re going to need your help keeping it a secret, but as of this evening, with the VP’s, um, ‘blessing,’ we’re officially boyfriends.”

Following a breath of silence that seems to carry the weight of the world with it, a ripple of reactions moves through the room, starting with Chanyeol who jumps to his feet.

“FUCKING FINALLY!” he roars, arms extended wide and head thrown back to the ceiling. Before the full meaning of this can even register with the shocked couple, others are chiming in, too.

“You two – for how – huh?” Baekhyun tries to wrap his head around it.

Junmyeon just gapes and then sighs, hand on his forehead in shock and a smile on his lips.

“What?!” exclaim Minseok and Jongdae together, pushing off the back wall simultaneously with big grins on their faces.

Kyungsoo’s heart warms. This kind welcome far surpasses his expectations for what coming out would be like among such a large group of people. He squeezes Jongin’s hand and flashes him a bright, heart-shaped smile.

Sehun sighs loudly and glares at Jaehyuk, an incredibly sullen expression on his face. “Are you kidding me.” All the air drains from Kyungsoo’s lungs, and he feels Jongin tense at his side as well. The maknae looks mighty agitated, causing the older to gnaw on his bottom lip with worry before Sehun speaks again.  “You woke me up for this? Didn’t we all already know this ‘secret’?”

Baek splutters out, “I mean, I suppose I thought there might be something more than just bromance with the way Jongin always looks at him like he’s God’s gift to Korea—“

“That’s because he is,” Jongin interrupts, beaming broadly at his boyfriend.

Jongdae rubs his hands over his face. “Ugh, they were already nauseating, but I bet they’re going to be downright insufferable now. We’re going to have to deal with Jongin’s moaning through the walls, aren’t we?”

“Actually,” Chanyeol pipes up, “you’d be surprised. Jongin’s more high-pitched, but Soo can get pretty loud, too.”

“YAH – Park Chanyeol!” Kyungsoo makes a lunge at the giant to put him in a submission hold, but Jongin backhugs the shorter boy and pulls him close, kissing the side of his temple.

"You mean, 'thanks Yeol, for pretending to be asleep all those times,'" the giant corrects him with a grin. Kyungsoo almost strains against Jongin's hold to wring Chanyeol's neck, but the dancer distracts him with soothing fingertips skimming along his collarbones and turns them to face the other main vocalist's direction instead.

“Because of your snark about my moaning, Jongdae, I’m going be extra uninhibited now just to piss you off,” Jongin says with a devilish smirk.

And with that, Kyungsoo snaps: partly because of his discomfort discussing his sex life so openly all of a sudden and partly because he’s been incredibly turned on all evening by this brazen, eager Jongin. Unable to keep his pent up desire caged any longer, he spins around and pulls Jongin in for a fairly raunchy, open-mouthed kiss. Taking advantage of the momentary effect of stunning the boy into silence, he starts shoving the younger toward his private bedroom to escape this surreal ‘family meeting’ that’s only getting more awkward by the minute.

Minseok wolf whistles at Kyungsoo’s forward kiss while Jongdae lets out a complaining, “Oh COME ON!” amid murmurs and giggles from the rest of the members.

“Well, should we call Yixing?” Minseok asks.

“He’s had a front row seat to their flirting for years given our line up order, he’s not going to be surprised,” Chanyeol suggests.

“How is anyone surprised?” Sehun whines again.

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo has kept his lips and tongue moving at a sensual pace against his boyfriend’s mouth while maneuvering the two of them toward his hallway. He misjudges the turn out of the common room, though, and accidentally slams Jongin back up against the wall, the thud rattling a framed “We Are One!” banner that their leader hung there. “Sorry ‘bout that,” the singer murmurs against his lips, but given the moan that escapes the taller, he doesn’t seem to mind. Kyungsoo breaks off the kiss to make sure they don’t bump into anything else on this excruciatingly long trek to his room.

Junmyeon straightens the banner and yells after them. “Hey! There will be rules about decency in this dorm!”

“Not tonight there won’t!” Jongin fires back with a grin.

“Stop teasing and get in here!” Flushed with a combination of lust and embarrassment, Kyungsoo clamps a hand over the younger’s mouth and uses his other one to circle around the dancer’s waist and drag him backward the final few steps into his room, shutting the door firmly behind them. With the amorous couple out of sight, all eyes return back to the manager in the common room.

“Leave them alone right now,” Jaehyuk says.

“No shit, hyung,” deadpans Baekhyun. “No one wants to walk in on that.”

“Gah—I mean give them some leeway for the next few days. Trust me: They’ve earned it,” the manager says with a soft smile that summarizes more about the couple’s journey than he could ever explain with words. A reverent hush falls over the room as they all feel happy for their friends, their bandmates, working through what must have been many difficult obstacles.

The silence is interrupted by Sehun speaking up in the same incredulous tone. “Seriously, some of you didn’t know?

Immediately following the question, the sound of Jongin moaning “oh damn, Soo” rings through the room, and everyone hastily gets up to rush back to bed.

“Nice going, Dae. I’m going to have nightmares all week, aren’t I?” Baek complains as he pushes past the vocalist with his hands over his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * Jessica officially left SM in [August of 2015](http://www.koreaboo.com/news/jessica-and-sm-entertainment-officially-part-ways/) and signed with [Coridel in Feb 2016](http://www.soompi.com/2016/02/28/jessica-signs-with-coridel-entertainment-headed-by-tyler-kwon/)
>   * Krystal’s contract expired right about the time I wrote this ch (Sept 2016). There'd been [speculation since April 2016 that she might not re-sign with SM](http://www.koreaboo.com/netizens/will-krystal-renew-contract-sm/).
>   * With regards to Yixing not going to be surprised, he didn't choose the Kaisoo life, [the Kaisoo life chose him](https://mobile.twitter.com/KpopDoo30/status/739023223753318401)
>   * Not this ch, but OMG this fan account from a [fanmeet](http://fydk-translations.tumblr.com/post/149843063757/160902-pepero-fansign-fanaccounts) that happened the day I'd written this ch (16.09.02): "@[myeon_cy](https://twitter.com/myeon_cy/status/771634056870014976): I asked Kyungsoo if he liked hard peaches or soft peaches more, and he said with great certainty that he liked hard peaches no matter what. So firmly hahaha. I like them too.." I'MDYING - it's like Mama Do gave him the peach talk in real life, WHAT IS REALITY /jumps off cliff/
> 

> 
> YAY! Hope the celebratory crack at the end was okay - I’m just so giddy that THEY FINALLY MADE IT! Together at last and no more hiding it within the group!!!
> 
> This is a ch I've been very excited to share with you. I hope the whole (long) storyline building up to it was worth it? A few more chs to go to tie up loose ends and incorporate some E'xact era moments. What'd you like about this ch? Jongin being a badass and taking the lead this time with the VP, his pre-planning with Krystal, Kaisoo’s frantic making out in the van, the group meeting and variety of member reactions: talk with me about it in the comments!


	31. Day or Night, I'm Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've toed the line a ton, but I think I have to warn that this ch is M this time. Don't expect too much though, still rated R not NC-17.

Dawn’s first light is peeking through the window when they’re finally starting to drift off to sleep. A hundred love declarations must have been exchanged over the past few hours, amidst swaying bodies and tangled tongues, but Kyungsoo’s still not ready to fall asleep and let go of these precious, intimate moments. He fights the droop of his eyelids, determined to see Jongin slip off into peaceful slumber first and committing to memory the look of pure fulfillment imbued on his face. Silently, the younger seems to be attempting the same thing, trying to hold Kyungsoo’s stare but slowly succumbing to the exhaustion of the past 24 hours.

“We’ve become that couple already,” he murmurs as he sinks further into his pillow.

“Which couple?” Kyungsoo asks quietly.

“The one that won’t hang up the phone. ‘You hang up.’ ‘No, you hang up first.’ Only we’re doing it with sleep,” he yawns.

The elder chuckles softly, pressing a kiss to each of his boyfriend’s now-closed eyelids. “Rest. I promise I will, too, in just a bit.” Jongin hums and his breathing steadies out to a rhythmic pace right afterward.

Kyungsoo lets his eyes roam over the younger’s face: his elegant almond-shaped eyes, chiseled jaw, slender nose, and puffy lips. The light from the rising sun slides through the window blinds and falls horizontally across Jongin’s body like golden pathways. One band of sunshine illuminates the boy’s mussed hair atop his head, highlighting tiny shimmering flecks of dust that dance around his chestnut locks, like pixie dust that’s granting the sweetest of dreams to the peaceful boy below. Being able to watch Jongin sleep like this, in the daytime, in the same bed, without any fear of who might come knocking on the door… it’s heaven. Kyungsoo lingers, appreciating the moment, for as long as he dares before rising to take care of some basic needs. On his way to his door, though, he loses his balance as he skids on some unknown object on the floor. After steadying himself, he realizes it’s Jongin’s underwear that almost caused him to fall. As he scans the rest of his room, he notices the rest of Jongin’s clothes, along with his own, discarded haphazardly around the floor. Only his jacket made it to a reasonable location, hanging on the back of his desk chair. The place is a mess. But oh, what a beautiful mess it is, because it speaks of Jongin’s presence and the casualties of their passion from last night. And though he might grumble about it this afternoon, right now, Kyungsoo loves it. Like how Jongin breezed into his heart unexpectedly and stirred up emotions he’d never felt before, the once sterile, composed room looks alive with evidence of the occupants’ love. It’s so different from how lonely it’s looked the past 3 months, the bare walls previously whispering the story of its owner who only brooded, closed off from the world and staring at the ceiling unable to find slumber. Now, bathed in vibrant yellow from the dawn of the new day, the room is transformed into a home, and all because of the gorgeous dancer in the middle of his bed, breathing more and more warmth into the atmosphere and Kyungsoo’s heart. After putting on a fresh t-shirt and pair of boxers, Kyungsoo pulls the comforter up to tuck it snugly around Jongin, using the bedding to anchor him there in hopes he’ll never leave, before slipping out to use the bathroom and get them waters.

\------------------------------------------------------

Jongin wakes up just past noon to a rumbling stomach. He goes to stretch his long limbs only to look down and find that he’s confined by two strong, pale arms. A wide smile spreads across his lips as his senses slowly wake up, one by one. He registers the warm, smooth chest pressed against his back and the muscular thigh thrown over his left leg. He lets his body melt further into the protective cage Kyungsoo has wrapped him in, hearing the slow in and exhales of the elder’s breathing right beside his left ear. As he sighs deeply in contentment, the familiar, delicious scent of Kyungsoo wafts upward from the sheets, the pillow, and the boy himself. It’s so intoxicating, he can practically taste him on his tongue again. Jongin revels in the feeling of being 100% surrounded by his lover, all five senses delighting in the perfection that is Kyungsoo.

His eyes land upon a water bottle on the bedside table in front of him with a sticky note attached to it.

“Drink a lot and wake me after you shower if I’m not already up.  
Love you,  
Kyungsoo”

Slowly easing himself out of the singer’s grasp is harder than anticipated, as he tries hard not to wake him, but is ultimately unsuccessful: Kyungsoo just won’t let go. “I’m trying to follow your instructions, but I’ve got to get out of bed in order to do so,” Jongin teases with a whisper, having spun around halfway. Kyungsoo hums but doesn’t open his eyes. Noticing the elder’s fluffy hair now that he’s in view, Jongin whines, “hey, you showered without me?”

“You were sleeping, wanted to let you rest,” Kyungsoo croaks out of the side of his mouth, voice deeper than usual from sleep. Even though the singer still hasn’t opened his eyes, it’s like he can feel the younger pouting at him. “Next time,” he says, nuzzling his chin and placing a light peck there before releasing his hold on him.

Jongin brightens with a smile. “I’ll hold you to that,” he replies as he slides out of the bed to follow his hyung’s instructions on the note. He borrows some of his boyfriend’s boxers and jersey shorts (which barely cover his thighs but who cares), tugging them on before slipping out of the room.

The dorm is quiet as the dancer moves about, no trace of their bandmates. Jongin takes a long, scorching shower knowing that there’s no one to bother him about hogging the bathroom or hot water. He laughs as he lathers his body with soap: It’s a good thing he doesn’t have any schedules for the next several days because he’s positively covered in lovebites. The underside of his wrist, near his hip bone, along his inner left thigh, even on his ass: Kyungsoo marked his claim pretty much everywhere. As the dancer delicately cleans around each of them, memories of receiving each one come fluttering back from the recesses of his mind. He decides his favorite is the one on his wrist; that one came in the middle of the night, after they’d already taken the initial edge off their desire. He recalls the friction of his back sliding against the sheets as the older thrust into him from above, taking all the time in the world to love him right, eyes boring down into his own as Kyungsoo gently brought his wrist up to the singer’s mouth and sucked the purple mark into the skin while muffling his low groan. (As promised, Jongin had simply let his moans ring out without a care.) Something about the way Kyungsoo handled him, his tongue so soft against his veins, fingers so affectionate caressing down his chest, had made the younger come completely undone from the onslaught of such adoration. Feeling his temperature rise as he relives the memory, Jongin switches the shower water to cold to calm down.

After toweling off and redressing in the borrowed clothes, he stops in the kitchen, deciding to warm up the last of the ddeokbokki Kyungsoo had prepared during a midnight cooking fest. His week-long absence in the dorm has definitely been felt: the dozens and dozens of storage bins full of meals he’d prepared have all run out now as the members have torn through them.

Jongin grabs a tray and some fresh fruit to make the meal’s presentation a little more colorful before retreating back to their room. (It is _theirs_ now, right? Like he’d ever go back to the other one that holds his trivial belongings.) “Tada…” he announces as he backs in through the door and closes it behind him.

His voice trails off as he notices the raven-haired male has fallen back into a deep slumber. With a fond smile, he tiptoes over to the desk to set down the tray without letting the contents rattle too loudly. Jongin eats his food while enjoying the view before him: Kyungsoo’s dark lashes are completely still as they lay along soft milky skin, indicating just how far gone the singer is. The full lips that he loves so much are slightly parted with just the hint of a smile playing upon them. His hair, clean but not styled before climbing back into bed, is fanned out in several different directions, making him look years younger. Actually, everything about his countenance looks so much younger than Jongin has seen him in months; the release of their burdens last night has made the tension in his forehead disappear. It’d be a crime to disturb the peaceful work of art before him, so Jongin doesn’t for now and just basks in his presence. When his meal is finished, he picks up their dirty clothes that litter the room, shoves them into the hamper in the corner, and sits along the side of the bed on the now clean floor. He curls his feet up under him and rests his crossed arms on the mattress, gently laying his head down on top to be face to face with the sleeping beauty. After some minutes pass, he can’t help himself from leaning in to kiss the tip of the elder’s nose. Kyungsoo stirs lightly with a sleepy sigh of contentment but doesn’t wake. Grinning, Jongin brushes his lips against the other’s and then gives him butterfly kisses with his lashes grazing the singer’s round cheeks.

“Mmmm, you’re back,” Kyungsoo murmurs as he blinks open his eyes and stretches out a hand to fondly stroke the younger’s face.

“I’ve been back for a while, sleepyhead. I would have let you keep sleeping but you need to eat, Soo.”

He sits up and slowly stretches himself awake. Through a yawn, he asks, “hand me some clothes from my top drawer over there?”

“Nah, I prefer this view,” Jongin says with a grin, making a show of running his eyes over the other’s naked torso.

Kyungsoo shoots him a glare that lacks any real irritation behind it and draws the puffy comforter up closer around him so that only his elegant shoulders and arms are exposed now.

“Oh who are you trying to fool with that shy act after everything last night? I don’t buy it for even half a second,” Jongin teases, but digs into the drawer for some loungewear just like the elder requested.

“It’s not about being shy. I just think we should both be dressed right now so we don’t get _distracted_ ,” he retorts with a quick widening of his eyes. “We should probably talk,” he says a little softer, knowing that these words will cause a shift in the currently placid atmosphere.

Jongin tosses him the clothes and nods. While Kyungsoo dresses and puts on his glasses from the sidetable to see more clearly, he busies himself with bringing the tray of food carefully over to the bed. Taking a deep breath, he says, “You’re right. There are still explanations I owe you. Here,” he picks up some ddeokbokki with the chopsticks and tries to feed it to Kyungsoo. The older tilts his head with a skeptical look, not opening his mouth at first. “Please, hyung?” Jongin tries. “Let me feed you while I talk?”

Their eyes meet in a meaningful gaze, Jongin pleading with his eyes, and Kyungsoo nods, parting his lips and accepting the food.

Pleased with the much needed distraction, the dancer gets more ddeokbokki and gives a ragged exhale before getting straight to the point. “It was only one time. Back in February. A little more than a month after you broke up with me on the roof.”

Scared to see Kyungsoo’s reaction, he spends more time than necessary trying to grip the next fish cake between his chopsticks. When he comes up with the next bite of food, he feels the elder’s eyes on him, giving him his full attention as he swallows his previous bite. Shaking a bit, Jongin offers more and is thankful he takes it without a word, a clear signal that he won’t interrupt while the younger shares his story.

“I was still hurt, so hurt… and I’d been angry with you. For what you’d said but then also for how you were still being nice in little ways on stage, which I thought were really disingenuous at the time. Just to cover up our falling out so that no one in the group would discover us. Krystal had known that I’d broken up with someone I’d been dating for quite a while. She didn’t know it was you back then!” he’s quick to clarify, eyes alarmed that Kyungsoo might think he’d ignored his wishes to keep them a secret early on. But a quick moment of eye contact shows no such concern from the elder. He simply chews his food and encourages him to continue.

Bringing another bite of ddeokbokki to the singer’s lips, Jongin goes on. “Anyway, she made a joke about us going to dinner sounding like a date… and I said I’d be ready to try it once, just to see how it went. See, she… she’d already told me that she liked me…” he trails off with a whisper. Jongin’s half-expecting Kyungsoo to choke or freeze in shock, but his reaction is oddly flat.

Sheepishly, Kyungsoo rubs the back of his neck as he swallows. “Um, I know.”

It’s Jongin’s eyes that bug out of his head. “You KNOW? Wh—how?”

“Later. You finish first,” Kyungsoo requests, opening his mouth for more food, like he needs it to shut himself up. The singer looks so adorable there, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and jaw hanging down waiting for the next fish cake, that Jongin obliges with a smile, popping another one in.

“Okay, well. We went to dinner. Which isn’t really anything new, except, you know, we treated it like a date. I picked her up, held the door, that kind of stuff. And at the end of the night, when I went to drop her off… I kissed her.”

Kyungsoo takes in a sharp breath. His lower lip trembles a little as he absorbs this information, and it takes a beat before Jongin realizes the singer’s actually holding his breath, bracing for worse news. He blurts out as quickly as he can, “But it was all wrong! I knew it the moment I did it. I’m kind of glad I did, honestly, **_only_** because it was totally clear that I didn’t want her, I couldn’t want anyone but you, Soo. And I ended up telling her so, explaining that it was you who I had been with and it was you that I wasn’t over. That was the moment I knew I had to try to win you back.” With his free hand, he grips Kyungsoo’s knee and runs his thumb across it, trying to infuse his touch with all of his sincerity.

With a big gulp, the older acknowledges this with a nod. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jongin asks with confusion.

“Okay. It is what it is. I mean, it makes no sense for me to be mad at you or anything. We weren’t together, by my own doing. I should be glad that that’s all there is to tell, one kiss, nothing more.”

The dancer’s stomach drops along with his head. Peeking upward through his bangs, he confides, “There… there was one more. She asked to kiss me once after we talked, to say goodbye.”

“Of course she did,” Kyungsoo grumbles under his breath, more to himself than to Jongin. He bites the fish cake extended to him a little more aggressively than necessary.

“But that’s really it! There’s nothing more to tell about that night,” Jongin tries to reassure him.

Kyungsoo chews for a while, contemplating this. “So that’s why you suddenly started coming back around, at the airport on the way to Chicago?”

Jongin nods emphatically.

“What about that time I saw you having ice cream with her?”

“Just friends. We actually were talking about you,” he blushes. “Trying to figure out why you pulled away and how I could get you to change your mind.”

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. “She was okay with you talking to her about that? About your feelings for me?”

“Yeah, she was over me already,” he waves his hand to dismiss Kyungsoo’s concerns. “We’d agreed from the start that if the one date didn’t go well that we’d pretend it didn’t happen and go straight back to friends.”

The elder frowns at this. “It’s not that easy, Jongin.”

Jongin concedes this. “Well, I wouldn’t say it was perfectly normal that first time, but really, things are fine. After all, she was totally on board with my plan to talk with the VP. I swear, we’re just friends,” he reassures as he notices Kyungsoo pursing his lips with a faraway look before returning to focus on him when he leans into his field of vision. “And we were never more than that in my heart – I was always yours, hyung. I was just running away, desperately trying anything to make the pain go away…” It’s now, as he hears the excuses fall off his lips, that Jongin feels a deep sense of shame. “And the whole time, you were just protecting me, and even still taking care of me, bringing me my crutches and always magically there to help me with stairs. Meanwhile, I’m going out on dates and trying to move on.” Unsteady with his hands, he sets down the chopsticks, disgusted with himself. “What am I even good for? Even this: I’m feeding you the food **_you_ ** made for me, cooking at insane hours of the night just to make sure I’d eat.” He buries his face in his hands.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says softly. “Jongin, no. Don’t talk like that. Come here.” Gently, the elder removes his hands from his eyes and pulls him into his lap, wrapping the dancer’s long legs loosely around his waist. Pressing their foreheads together, Kyungsoo slides his hands up Jongin’s back in the most reverent fashion before cradling his neck. “Baby, look at me,” he commands oh so tenderly.

And Jongin gives into his hyung, opening his eyes, glistening with tears. His boyfriend is barely a breath away, eyes locked on his. He sees the concern on Kyungsoo’s face and… the love. So much love in his large, gorgeous orbs.

“You’re my world. And I love you. I could never name all of the things you’ve done for me, pinpoint all the ways you’ve encouraged me over the years, made me believe in myself, inspired me to work harder when I was ready to give up, helped me be a stronger man. I’ll try to tell you all about them, freely, every day now, so you can see yourself as I see you.” Kyungsoo pauses to brush the younger’s bangs back and drink in his presence. “For starters, think about last night. You did so much for us; I was broken at the time, and didn’t see how we’d make our way out of that mess. But **_you_** did, and you had the courage to act on it.” The elder’s soft fingertips gently stroke away the wetness from the corners of Jongin’s eyes before he continues.

“Here’s the thing: we’re going to have highs and lows. I’m not delusional to think that everything becomes easy from here on out. It’s not the last time I’m going to be jealous or you’re going to get mad. We’re going to fight and have misunderstandings. But through the tough times… sometimes I’m going to carry you, and sometimes you’re going to carry me. And that’s love. As long as we’re both willing to do more than our ‘fair share’ when the other needs it, we’ll get through anything. So when you’re hurting and feel like you can’t press on, I’ll be the one to keep us going. And vice versa. That’s what I’m promising when I say ‘I love you.’” 

With that heartfelt declaration, Kyungsoo crosses the small gap between their lips and kisses him slowly, with immense purpose as though he’s sealing that promise. Jongin gasps at the way the heat from their mouths travels slowly through his whole system, melting him to the core as he falls deeper into his boyfriend’s caresses, both from his tongue and his soothing hands on his back and in his hair. Kyungsoo holds him so tenderly it makes him want to cry all over again, just feeling so precious and cared for. The younger does his best to return the love tenfold, delicately stroking the older’s sideburns and removing his glasses up and off once they’re in the way as he presses closer and closer, winding an arm more tightly around his neck. The longer they make out, the more it’s not enough for Jongin. Sliding his feet to the sides of the elder’s knees, he leans forward to press Kyungsoo down into the mattress so that he’s properly straddling him now.

“I love you, Soo,” he murmurs against swollen, supple lips.

“I love you, too,” Kyungsoo whispers back.

“Let me show you how much.”

As he worships his boyfriend’s body with endless touches and kisses along the way to turning them into one, Jongin thinks the older has never looked so beautiful as he does right here, falling apart in the clear light of day.

.

.

.

It’s early evening when they’re lying still, just quietly awake, the sun dipping down in the horizon and leaving dazzling splashes of color across the springtime sky. They’re tangled together, Jongin’s head resting on Kyungsoo's chest as he relearns the beat of the strong heart inside. The elder’s fingers roam up and down the bumps of the dancer’s spine, stopping to massage in just the right spaces between his lower discs as though attempting to ward off future injuries.

“I feel like I should have confessed first.”

Jongin smiles to himself and decides to inquire before responding with the truth. “Why’s that?”

He feels Kyungsoo shrug beneath him. “Because I’m older? Because I fell in love first? I don’t know, lots of reasons.”

He debates not telling him, biting back a smile, but nah, he can’t do that. No more secrets. Jongin turns, propping his chin upon the singer’s breastbone to face him with a grin. “Well if it makes you feel better, you did.”

Kyungsoo furrows his brows and twists his mouth into a skeptical frown. “No, you did. Last night.”

Jongin can’t suppress his chuckle. “Wow, you really don’t remember anything from the noreabang do you?” So he tells him, enjoying the embarrassed flush that spreads across his boyfriend’s cheeks as he relays the dramatic karaoke performance.

Kyungsoo scrunches his face and covers his eyes with his free hand, the other never stopping running up and down the dancer’s spine. “Well, I guess that’s one way of doing it.”

“Don’t cringe at it – I loved it. It was perfect. Well, except for the fact you don’t remember it,” he says with another giggle.

Kyungsoo pinches Jongin’s nose, garnering a squeak from the younger, before his eyes widen like saucers. “Wait… then did we…”

Jongin shakes his head no. “We kissed, hyung. That’s it. Not that you didn’t try to take it further. But I was good, I fought you off valiantly, denying myself my own wants and needs, in the name of morality,” he drawls out overdramatically.

Kyungsoo’s eyes darken and he rolls them over so that the younger is now underneath, the older’s hands pinned alongside his head, pressing into the fluffy pillow. “Oh, you’re always sooo good, baby,” he croons down at him in a sinful tone. “Sounds like I need to make it up to you now.”

Jongin feels his heart race and anticipation course through his veins as Kyungsoo lowers himself down to whisper directly in his ear with a deep, sultry voice:

“So tell hyung what you wanted that night. ‘Cause I’ll do it all, love.”

.

.

.

Some time later, Kyungsoo’s gingerly massaging the younger’s injured ankle and foot while Jongin draws all the things he’s missed about them being together on the pale expanse of the elder’s back in Hangul. It’s a game they’ve invented to catch each other back up to speed on their lives, little details here and there leading to conversations about snippets of the past few months. Jongin drags a tan fingertip across the other’s bare shoulder blades to write out “the arch in your eyebrows.” Kyungsoo chuckles and quirks one at him to satisfy his craving.

“Mmm, so sexy. My boyfriend has such manly brows,” Jongin coos.

“Speaking of manly… had you always planned to storm into the VP’s office like you did last night and lay down the law?”

Jongin snorts. “No. I had planned to talk to him, sure, but much more… diplomatically. I had hoped to appeal to his benevolent nature and just say that I was with someone else, not naming you explicitly, and that Krystal knew and we didn’t want to pretend otherwise. But after everything you told me about that _snake_ , and how he—“ he huffs out a harsh breath and tries to push away all the rage rising back up in him. “How he already knew about us anyway and had used you so heartlessly, I knew there was no _decent_ side of him worth appealing to. So I altered my planned approach a bit.” He leaves it at that, not wanting to taint their little slice of paradise here in the dimly lit room with even an ounce of the fury he’d been feeling the other night. No, he wouldn’t let the filthy attitude of that executive invade their space for even a moment. Acting decisively to preserve the blissful atmosphere, Jongin blurts out, “the way you slap your cheeks sometimes when you’re embarrassed!”

Kyungsoo startles at the outburst and then clucks his tongue at him. “I thought you were supposed to write it. That’s the point of the game, for me to guess it properly.”

“Well I invented the game, so I change the rules if I want to,” he counters, sticking his tongue out haughtily.

Unexpectedly, the older grabs the protruding tongue between his thumb and forefinger, causing Jongin to yelp and look down cross-eyed at the other’s fingers. “If you stick it out like that, I’m going to assume you’re offering it to me,” Kyungsoo teases with a dazzling, heart-shaped smile. Without waiting for a retort, the singer replaces his fingers with his soft lips, sucking Jongin’s tongue into his mouth before giving it a playful nip. Laughing, they tumble back into the sheets, all negative memories dissipating in the cool night air.

\------------------------------------

Their life continues in this beautiful cycle of cuddling, talking, sex, and sleeping, all mixed up together in their personal universe they’ve created between the 4 walls of that bedroom, sneaking out to the other parts of the dorm only when absolutely necessary.  Time loses all meaning until Kyungsoo gets a text from Jaehyuk. Truthfully, he doesn’t even hear the text, just the banging on the door from Junmyeon yelling him to check his phone. The members are apparently around again after having made themselves scarce. Blearily, the singer fishes the phone out of the drawer beside him, careful not to wake the sleeping Jongin wrapped around his torso.

 

 **Jaehyuk**  
Hey. You have a movie audition in a little over an hour.  Be ready in 30 min.  
  
**Kyungsoo**  
I thought that wasn’t until Monday evening.  
  
**Jaehyuk**  
It IS Monday evening.

 

Huh, has it really been 3 days already? He groans and untangles Jongin’s arms and legs from his own. The younger whines. “Jagiiiiii, where are you going?”

“I’ve gotta go to an audition. I’ll be back later tonight, love,” he reassures.

Jongin opens one eye to ask, “Audition for what?”

“A movie. Don’t worry – filming would be here in Seoul,” Kyungsoo pets his hair fondly while rearranging the covers to make sure the younger is cozy.

“Mmmm, hurry back,” the dancer says, drifting back off to dreamland.

“Will do,” he replies with a kiss on the forehead. Gathering all the stuff he needs so that he won’t have to return to the room and disturb the younger, Kyungsoo heads out to the bathroom to shower. He hears a few members in the back bedrooms of the dorm but no one’s out in the common room when he passes through. He showers in peace, but when he exits, he’s met with Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae in the living area playing video games.

“Oh! You once more walk among the living,” teases Chanyeol. “Finally left the love nest, huh?”

“I’ve got an audition,” Kyungsoo says, not taking the bait. He sees Jongdae jump up and start toward his bedroom, though, and grabs his arm as the vocalist passes him. “What are you doing?”

“I’ve been waiting for two days to talk to Jongin. I need—“

“He’s sleeping. Leave him alone,” Kyungsoo says with a scowl.

“But I just want to borrow—“

“I said, leave him alone. He needs his rest. His leg’s still healing,” Kyungsoo grunts protectively. “If I find out you bothered him while I’m gone, I’ll kick your ass.”

“It’s been three whole days since anyone’s seen him. How do we know he’s even still alive in there?” jokes Baekhyun.

“You’ll hear him later tonight,” Kyungsoo deadpans with a glare as he stalks out of the dorm.

“GROSS, NO, STOP IT!” yells Jongdae, boxing his own ears in a vain attempt to unhear his words.

.

.

.

Kyungsoo returns a few hours later with food in hand. He drops several containers of dosirak on the coffee table in the common room, to an appreciative Junmyeon and Minseok. Sehun peeks around the corner, nose leading him toward the promise of food, until he realizes it’s just convenience store lunch boxes that his oldest hyungs are picking through.

“What’s that?” the maknae points to the takeout bag Kyungsoo’s still holding.

“Chimaek,” he says, swatting at Sehun’s hand that’s reaching for it. “Hey, be grateful that I brought you food. It’s over there.”

“No fair! You got us lunch boxes but Jongin gets fried chicken and beer?” he whines.

“That’s not an approved part of the diet, Kyungsoo,” their leader scolds lightly.

“Don’t worry, we’re working off the calories,” he drolls, pushing past Sehun who is still trying to sneak a chicken leg out of the bag.

“Ugh, what HAPPENED to you – why are you so lewd now?” complains Jongdae, having wandered in to pick out his lunch box.

Kyungsoo shrugs as he opens his door. “Blame yourself: You guys decided to open the floodgates the other night by acting like our sex life was normal EXO discussion.”

“Well we’re going to close them!” Junmyeon says, jumping up and producing his clipboard seemingly out of thin air. He scribbles furiously while announcing aloud, “EXO Rules of decency: #1, No overtly sexual references.”

“Does the quip he just made count as overt, though?” Minseok questions thoughtfully.

Rolling his eyes, Kyungsoo closes the door and shuts the others’ deliberation out of their bedroom. “Hi, baby.”

Jongin’s awake, sitting up on the bed with his phone. He drops it and raises to his knees to greet the older with a loud smooch. “You’re home,” he says with a dopey grin. Peering into the bag, he lets out a happy gasp. “And you brought me chicken! You really do love me.”

Kyungsoo chuckles and sets the bag down, letting himself get dragged into Jongin’s arms and tossed onto the bed in a heap. As he feels the younger’s lips start peppering kisses along the column of his neck, he smiles. Dinner can wait.

\--------------------------------

Tuesday morning, Minseok trudges out of his bedroom still half-asleep and heads to take a leak. He tries the handle and stares at it confused. _‘Why won’t it…’_ “Ugh, did someone lock the bathroom door again? How many times do we have to go through this? Too many people for too few—“

Jongin’s voice interrupts from somewhere on the other side of the door. “It’s locked for good reason.” The dancer’s speaking fairly loudly to make himself heard over what Minseok now realizes is the shower going full blast.

Suddenly, Kyungsoo’s voice rings out “UH, right there” followed by the singer’s loud moan. Minseok jumps back like he’s been shocked by the doorknob and emits a small shriek.

“You can thank me later, Minseok-hyung,” Jongin calls.

“Stop talking to him and kiss me,” Kyungsoo demands from inside.

Minseok turns and runs to the kitchen where he’s greeted by Chanyeol trying to fry eggs and Junmyeon at the table with several small packets sitting in the middle of it. When the giant notices him out of the corner of his eye, he points to the packets and says, “Earplugs. Cheapest and most effective ones I’ve found over the years for drowning them out. Help yourself to a pair.”

Crinkling his nose in distaste, he tears open a package and inspects the foam earplugs to figure out which way they go into the ear. Meanwhile, Junmyeon next to him is muttering while writing, “#2, No fornicating in common spaces, including but not limited to the bathroom, kitchen, and common room.”

\--------------------------------

Kyungsoo wakes up to yet another member banging on their door. “We need a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign,” he grumbles.

“Hyuuuunnnnng, I’m hungry,” whines Sehun, positioning his mouth right along the crack in the door for maximum volume.

“Go make your own food,” he mumbles back at the maknae.

Curled up and spooning the elder from behind, Jongin stirs. “What’s the problem?”

“Nothing. The brat is complaining he’s hungry.”

The dancer yawns and his breath tickles the back of Kyungsoo’s neck. “Hmmm, I could eat. But I’m so comfy, I don’t really want to let you go cook.” Just then, Jongin’s stomach rumbles loudly.

“Well let’s get you fed. We’ll go together, okay?” Kyungsoo suggests.

They slide out of bed and slip into boxers, Jongin opting to bring the fluffy comforter with them. With his boyfriend draped over his shoulder and the comforter wrapped around the both of them, Kyungsoo waddles out to the kitchen.

“Oh thank God. You’ve been cooped up there for forever and the food ran out a long time ago. We’re starvinggggg,” fusses Sehun.

Ignoring the kid, the couple shuffles into the kitchen looking like some cocooned caterpillar. Kyungsoo peers into the fridge to check out their options. Thankfully, someone had gone grocery shopping, though the assortment of goods they purchased was a bit confusing. “What would you like?” the singer asks.

“I want kimchi jjigae!” Sehun excitedly squeals just to the left of Kyungsoo’s face.

Without turning to look at the maknae, he puts his hand directly over the boy’s mouth and shoves him away a little. “I wasn’t talking to you, and you’re too loud. Baby, what do you feel like eating?” he asks over his right shoulder.

“Kimchi spaghetti,” Jongin murmurs sleepily.

“Okay,” he says with a sweet peck to his lips.

“No, you always make that. I want stew for once. You haven’t made it in a long ti—“ Sehun gets cut off while trying to plead his case.

“Kid, you know I don't typically mind feeding you, but if you don’t quit your whining, I’m only making enough for Jongin and you can go bother Chanyeol to make you something mediocre instead.”

As the maknae sulks but quietly takes his place at the table to wait, Kyungsoo catches Jongin’s smile out of the corner of his eye along with maybe even a taunting face at his fellow dancer, celebrating in getting his food request over the other’s. “Thanks, hyung,” Jongin says with a peck on his cheek before leaning down to rest his chin on his shoulder. “Need me to help?”

“You’re already helping. You’re keeping me warm,” Kyungsoo replies, nestling further back against the taller as he fills a pot with water. He feels the younger’s hands lace together across his stomach, leaving him freedom of movement of his own arms to gather the ingredients and cooking utensils. Wordlessly, Jongin follows him around the kitchen almost as if they’re dancing and Kyungsoo’s leading, keeping them wrapped together in the comforter.

The front door opens and Jaehyuk wanders in with Junmyeon. “Oh good, they’re already out." There's an obvious hint of relief in his voice that he doesn't have to worry about walking in on something. "Round up the rest for a group meeting,” the manager instructs Junmyeon.

Realizing there’s about to be a crowd, Kyungsoo grabs more pasta to throw in the pot. “Want to snag a seat on the couch before the others get out here?” he asks his boyfriend.

Jongin hums in agreement, and they waddle over to the sofa. They sit down but when Kyungsoo goes to slide off the younger’s lap onto the couch, the dancer whines at him. “Stayyyyy.” So he does. Besides, this frees up more seats for others, right?

Wrong, because no one seems willing to get that close to the couple. “Are you even clothed under there?” teases Baekhyun from the wall he's leaning against, noticing their bare collarbones protruding from under the comforter.

“We’re wearing underwear. Not fucking right now, honest,” Jongin says cheekily. Kyungsoo pinches his thigh, garnering a yelp.

“Now _that’s_ a clear violation of decency rule #1. You’re lucky Junmyeon’s still fetching Jongdae,” says Minseok.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes at the others and plops down on the couch next to them. “What’s up, Jaehyuk-hyung?”

All members now present and accounted for, the manager addresses the room. “You’ve got a full album coming up. They’re shooting for late May or early June right now, with a new concert tour in conjunction to promote the album. So. You know what that means. Vocal and rap lessons are going to be ramping up again. Be prepared to spend a fair amount of time in the recording studios over the next several weeks, followed by dance practices throughout May. Alright?”

Nods and murmurs of agreement fill the room. Jaehyuk speaks directly to the couple wrapped together on the couch. “Kyungsoo, you’ve got a callback audition for that movie later this afternoon, and Jongin, you have a doctor’s appointment to check on your foot to see how soon you’ll be able to work on choreography. In other words, the honeymoon’s over.” The manager says this with a tone that makes it clear it’s time they rejoin the rest of the world.

Kyungsoo sighs. He knew they’d be getting back into their regularly scheduled activities eventually, but he's loved retreating from the world and having Jongin to himself, just the two of them. Maybe they could do it again one day… properly…

From behind him, Jongin whispers in his ear, “Don’t worry, jagi. It’ll never be over to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * It was announced Soo would star in [With God on April 17](http://www.dramabeans.com/2016/04/d-o-joins-afterlife-fantasy-saga-with-the-gods/), so he’d be auditioning about this time
>   * Soo’s [adorable habit](http://media.tumblr.com/3fc605d21468631ca92a0d0c4f4cb964/tumblr_inline_mjd08m3xJO1qz4rgp.gif) of slapping [his cheeks in embarrassment](https://twitter.com/ksoogifs/status/771901370387591168) (that lip bite at the end tho, UGH)
>   * I didn’t have time to fit it in, but if Soo’d had a turn in their game, he would have listed Nini’s silly [faces](http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e15/12716668_913617615419311_1409629654_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTE5MDQ4MzgzNzY5MzU5NjE4NA%3D%3D.2) as something he missed ([OMG Nini so cute](https://67.media.tumblr.com/a5a158c334f4006c43b821586bd0e818/tumblr_ocdbxeDtvh1rrhp2bo3_540.gif))
> 

> 
> There’s still more chs: Kyungsoo and Krystal need to chat, yes? /wiggles eyebrows/ Plus some nice events leading up to Ex’act showcase and tying this whole thing off with a nice final bow.) I originally planned to end it this ch, but what was supposed to be 1-2 scenes of them the morning after, with some truths coming out and Kyungsoo’s romantic talk about what love means to him, well, it all just… kept writing itself. Hope you enjoyed the 6.5k of romance/fluff/sort of smut?, with EXO crack sprinkled in there for good measure. (Yes, that SeKaiSoo scene was on purpose – was already in the works to have Sehun beg for food but I played up the Soo favoring Kai part more than originally written, lol. All in good fun – Soo loves his little bro Sehunnie but come on, there’s no contest ;))
> 
> My social accounts, if you care:
> 
> [Tumblr](at1stsoo.tumblr.com) – [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo)


	32. Lingering Storms Clear Off

JUST BEFORE EX’ACT ERA

 

Thankfully, Jongin gets cleared by the doctor to resume dancing at full strength one week later. Excited to finally get back into it, he goes straight from the doctor’s office to the SM building to snag a dance practice room and work out alone. His body feels almost unrecognizable as he sweats through their old routines; he’s definitely out of practice, but it feels so good to feel the music flow through him once more. Following the doctor’s orders and Jaehyuk’s advice, he sticks to the less strenuous routines first. As he’s finishing up _Don’t Go_ , he spies Kyungsoo slipping into the room with a grin on his face. The elder sings along to the final chorus while Jongin gives his all as his boyfriend’s voice fills the room:

_“Take me yeah take me together with you to the place where you live_  
_Oh, I’ll follow you even until the end of the world_  
_Please don’t escape from my sight,_  
_don’t disappear even when morning comes, oh_  
_Your small hand movements_  
_puts my heart in a whirl”_

“Gorgeous,” they say in unison as the song ends, mutual admiration for each other’s talents evident in the soft look they share. Laughing, Jongin goes over to steal a quick kiss off the singer’s lips.

“So the doctor says you’re all healed?” Kyungsoo inquires.

“Yep. Back to full strength, just in time.”

“That’s great, baby. How long have you been practicing?”

Jongin checks the clock on the wall. “About 2 hours. Why?”

“Ready to take a break, or should I come back later?”

He ponders this. “Is it okay if I do one more? I wanted to at least try a run through of _Call Me Baby_ before quitting.”

“Of course. I love watching you dance,” Kyungsoo says with an easy smile. “And it’ll be great to be able to openly stare at you now.” The elder pecks his cheek and gives him a playful pat on the butt as he heads over to the sound system to cue up the song for him.

Jongin laughs. God, it feels so good to just love and be loved by Kyungsoo. The singer is about to sit down in the back of the room, but Jongin decides he’s not having any of that. “Go sit up front and be my audience. Unless you wanted to stare specifically at my ass,” he jokes. Kyungsoo chuckles and obediently moves to the front before leaning against the mirrored wall and sliding down to a sitting position. Jongin does his best while being mindful of his ankle, mastering his smirks and coy lip bites throughout the song. His boyfriend smiles up at him, bright eyes following his every movement.

When the song ends, Kyungsoo imitates an EXO-L fangirl and gives a high-pitched cheer of “Kai!! Saranghaeyo!” while waving his fists in the air. Rising to his feet, he praises him in his signature, rich voice. “You’re amazing as always. Can’t tell you’ve been sitting out rehearsals at all. And the eyefucking, my gosh, I might need you to tone it down a little on stage or I’m gonna get jealous.”

“No need to be jealous. You know I’ll fuck you – I mean, eyefuck you anytime you want, hyung,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Twining their fingers together, Jongin pulls the other towards him for a sultry smooch. “Let’s go home,” he whispers against the elder’s thick lips.

They’re hyper vigilant to stay unseen these days, especially with all the press anxious to get an inside peek of his relationship with Krystal. Jongin wishes they could go out, but it’s for the best that no one spies him at all for the moment. He’s glad that both he and Kyungsoo stay off of SNS; he can only imagine what kind of baseless rumors are floating around right now about him and his ‘girlfriend.’ So as much as he wants to go to dinner together (they’ve yet to have that second date), they settle on driving back to the dorm instead. Since some fans already know about Jongin’s car, the singer recently opted to get an unassuming sedan with specially tinted windows to allow them to at least drive around undetected.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Kyungsoo says as he drives.

“You know me: good news first.”

Kyungsoo smiles at that, eyes darting over to him first before quickly returning to the road. “I got the role in _With God_ , the movie I was auditioning for last week.”

“That’s great, hyung.” Jongin reaches over and squeezes his thigh. “Wow, that’s a big deal. It’s bound to be super popular given its webtoon following, right? Ah, my man’s going to be even more famous after this new, wider audience sees his amazing acting,” he coos, leaning across the center console and pecking him on the cheek.

Kyungsoo blushes and paws at the dancer’s chest, gently pushing him back into his seat. “Yah, I’m driving. Don’t distract me,” he mutters with pink-tinted ears as he returns both hands to the steering wheel.

“Then don’t be so kissable,” Jongin jokes back, but settles safely in his seat as instructed. It dawns on him that his boyfriend picked him up from the SM building without his request. “Wait, so did you come straight to the dance studio to tell me after you found out?”

“Maybe.”

He feels warmth spread through his chest. “I’ve missed that. I love being the first to know.” They’ve arrived in the underground parking lot of their dorm’s garage now, and Jongin gazes fondly at the older, his left cheek leaning against the head rest as he admires Kyungsoo’s serious face while he focuses on doing a good job parking.

Once he’s perfectly in the lines, the elder puts the gear in park and turns to him. “I’ve missed getting to tell you first, too.” Kyungsoo takes Jongin’s hand and plays lightly with his fingertips before pressing a kiss to the center of his palm.

In the quiet of the garage, the dancer lets out a soft sigh, enjoying the gentle affections from his boyfriend who is now tracing over the creases in his palm with the nail’s edge of his index finger. “You mentioned bad news, too. Go ahead, I can handle it.” Jongin mentally prepares for out of town shoots or a romantic kiss scene with an actress and pushes aside his immature inner voice.

But Kyungsoo just smirks. “Well, I’ll be playing a Private in the military. So I’m going to have to cut my hair and keep it short for quite some time.”

Jongin lets slip a blinding smile. That’s it? After his flash of joy, he quickly rearranges his face into a pout. “But you know how much I like to tug on it.” Proving his point, he reaches up to tangle his fingers in the long hair on the crown of the singer’s head. “Especially when we’re making out and I want more.” Jongin has discovered it’s the easiest way to make Kyungsoo switch from sweet to aggressive. So when the dancer’s too needy and lost in his desire to even separate himself from the singer’s mouth to verbalize it, a firm hair pull has become his silent signal to the other to stop playing nice. Their own little love language, if you will.

“Yes, I know,” Kyungsoo says with a glint in his eye. “That’s why I listed it as bad news.”

As much as Jongin wants to drag him into the back seat right now to have his way with him, he knows that wouldn’t be prudent since, well, cars rock pretty easily and they’re relatively exposed in the garage.  “Upstairs,” he demands in a low voice. “I want to pull on it while I still can.”

.

.

.

When the vocal coach suggests that the main vocalists pair off with sub-vocalists to practice in preparation for their new album, Kyungsoo quickly announces he’ll help Jongin. Although Baekhyun snickers aloud, Jongdae smoothly volunteers to work with Minseok to distract the coach’s attention. While the other groups arrange to work in regular practice rooms, Kyungsoo somehow books time in one of the actual recording booths, arguing it’ll provide better feedback for faster learning.

And that’s how Jongin finds himself hastily throwing the lock on the booth door as he follows Kyungsoo into the special “by appointment only” recording space the next day.

“The sound studio is _much_ better suited for sex,” he remarks as he tears off the older’s jacket. Jongin forces him to drop their belongings carelessly on the sofa before tugging him anxiously by the collar of his black dress shirt into the recording room. “There’s a couch out there, there’s soundproofing in here…” he wiggles his eyebrows as he gropes Kyungsoo shamelessly and elicits a deep groan. “Your turf is so much better than mine. What were we thinking before, doing this in a dance practice room with that cold, hard floor?” The memories of previous intimacies, but especially that one fateful late night with an unlocked door, come flooding back to him, making him feel hot all over.

Kyungsoo looks affected in more ways than one, wrapping an arm around Jongin’s waist and pulling their bodies flush together. “You say that like there was planning involved that night. I just went looking for you and once I found you… well everything else just faded away. The only thing that mattered was being with you… loving you.” Kyungsoo swipes his thumb across the younger’s cheek as he murmurs these truths just centimeters from his lips, large chocolate eyes sweeping across his face and making Jongin feel so _adored._ Then the elder giggles, almost returning the atmosphere back to the playful one the dancer had initially set as they walked into the studio. “Besides, I don’t recall you complaining about the location at the time,” he says with a teasing smile.

But Jongin doesn’t want to lose that tender, truthful moment just yet. They’ve never actually talked about their first time before. Feeling the need to reassure him, he places his hands on both the singer’s shoulders and looks him deep in the eyes. “I wouldn’t change anything about that night. It was the most important night of my life up to that point,” he whispers with a gentle kiss to the other’s lips. “You-you tried to tell me then, didn’t you? That you loved me.”

Kyungsoo gives an almost imperceptible nod as he glides their lips against each other again, kissing him deeply.

Jongin feels his heart ache inside, regretful for ever pushing him away, for interrupting him and being so scared of words and their consequences back then. When they break the searing kiss to come up for air, he traces his fingers along Kyungsoo’s strong eyebrows and starts to speak, “I’m sor—“

“No more apologies,” the singer interrupts him. “Remember? No more saying we’re sorry for what happened in the past. We’re here now, and that’s all that matters. And we’ll never have to hold back from each other like that again.”

Jongin nods and twists his fingers into his boyfriend's black locks, tugging him back to seal the agreement with a sweet press of their closed mouths. Soon, the gentle drag of lips turns into wetter, more insistent kisses as the younger probes into Kyungsoo’s mouth with his tongue gliding along the seam. The dancer feels his back land against the plush soundproofing of the back wall and moans eagerly, undoing the buttons on Kyungsoo’s shirt and dragging his fingers down the man’s toned chest. (He’ll learn to live without the longer hair: this military acting role has Kyungsoo working out again and creating an even more amazing body than before.) Although he doesn’t resist, the elder isn’t helping with the task of removing garments either, so once he’s slid the button-down shirt off the singer’s muscular shoulders, Jongin rips his own shirt up and over his head, separating them for a moment to do so.

Kyungsoo releases a low groan of approval, drinking in his tan physique before mouthing up Jongin’s arm, tortuously slowly, from his fingertips all the way up to the junction of his neck and shoulder. “You know, I do actually have to give you singing lessons at some point here. Otherwise, it’s going to seem like I’m a terrible teacher or you’re a terrible learner. Or both.” Despite his words, Kyungsoo doesn’t slow his assault on the dancer’s collarbones nor hold back his hips from pressing the younger man further into the wall.

“I’ll work on my high notes while you drill me,” Jongin rasps out. He’d meant to finesse that pun more but he can’t think straight when he has Kyungsoo all over him like this, bare skin to skin.

Kyungsoo chuckles against his ear lobe. “Such a filthy mouth you have. Okay, baby, I’ll make you sing,” he croons in a deep and dangerous tone. Dipping down, he nips along the dancer’s breastbone before breathing a warm huff of air directly over his right nipple. Jongin can’t hold back the needy whine that escapes his throat. He arches his back to force Kyungsoo’s mouth to make contact, and his tongue feels heavenly as he laves it along the hardening nub. As he suckles and nibbles against his pec, Kyungsoo’s deft fingers trail along the edge of Jongin’s hip bone, drawing patterns in the sensitive skin just above the waistband of the younger’s boxer briefs, teasing along the light trail of hair just below his belly button but not traveling further down, driving Jongin mad with lust.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispers along the shell of his ear before retreating to walk out of the booth. Jongin whimpers at the loss of contact and yanks him back by the wrist. Kyungsoo’s chuckle is low and sinful as he presses the dancer back into the wall even harder and giving one vicious roll of his hips to reassure the younger of what’s to come. “So impatient. I’ll only be a minute,” he affirms with a wet lip lock before trying to leave once more. Jongin whines again but lets him go this time, enjoying the view of his boyfriend’s lean, bare back as he saunters with purpose out the door and returns with an even more predatory look in his eyes along with a small black bag.

.

.

.

Afterward, they redress and Jongin’s ready to go get dinner, but Kyungsoo stops him. “As dangerous as it is to get between you and food, wait a second. I need to download our recordings and delete files first,” he says, diligently plugging away at the computer system in the anteroom.

“Recordings? But we didn’t actually… HYUNG.” Jongin’s eyes fly open obscenely wide as the realization hits him. “You _recorded_ us earlier?” he asks with a squeak, blushing from head to toe.

“Maybe,” Kyungsoo says with a devilish grin.

“You are SO naughty, Soo, I swear.”

“I am, but you love it. Don’t worry, I’ll share the track with you if you beg nicely.” With a smirk and a cheeky eyebrow raise, Kyungsoo leans in for one more deep kiss before they need to abandon the booth for NCT’s recording time. As they pass by in the hallway, Jongin can’t bring himself to make eyecontact with their hoobaes, knowing how he and Kyungsoo just debauched the room. He silently hopes that SM truly spared no expense in getting soundproofing that’s the highest-end, professional grade quality so that he didn’t just defile several young minds…

\---------------------------------------------

It’s late April when it happens. Kyungsoo knows it was bound to happen at some point, and it’s honestly taken longer than he expected, but the day finally arrives.

“Soo, I need to talk to Krystal.”

He’s picked a good time to bring it up. They’re in their bedroom after a day of (actual) recording for their new album, but it’s early in the evening before they’d typically start their bedtime routine, so the request isn’t intruding on any special, private time they’d usually be sharing. Kyungsoo purses his lips and swallows.

“Is that okay, hyung? I haven’t spoken with her at all since the 1st, except to briefly text her and let her know I’d had the talk with the VP and it had gone basically as planned and we were officially back together again,” he explains.

Trying for a comfortable smile, Kyungsoo responds, “Of course. You don’t have to ask permission. I mean, I’d like to be aware of the fact that you’re talking or of course if you spend time together, but you don’t have to seek my approval beforehand.”

Jongin returns his smile and gives him a quick peck on the lips. “Mind if I use your phone? Just to avoid creepy cell phone company employees who might be trying to track my phone’s communication with hers.”

“Sure, go ahead… though I do have one request.”

“Hmm?”

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and tries to sound casual. “I want to talk to her, too. But face to face. Alone.”

Jongin looks at him with mild suspicion. “You’re not going to yell at her or anything, are you?”

He snorts. “Of course not. Why would I do that? I just want to talk with her again, as friends, now that there aren’t anymore secrets between us.”

The dancer gives him a long, thoughtful look before nodding. “Okay. It’s not like it’d be safe for all three of us to meet up, anyway, so I’m fine with you seeing her. I’ll mention it when I call. Do you want to listen while I chat with her?”

Tempting, but Kyungsoo shakes his head. “No, your friendship deserves its own privacy. I trust you. But thanks for being open like that. I’m gonna go cook. Here –“ he tosses his phone to his boyfriend. “Tell her to text me when she’s free to meet up?” And with that, he forces himself to leave the room and focus on dinner so he won’t hover.

Peeking his head into the common room, he spots the maknae on the couch with his phone. “Okay, Sehun. It’s your lucky night. What do you want to eat?”

.

.

.

On a stormy afternoon a few days later, they meet up in a practice room in the SM building. It’s as awkward as Kyungsoo imagined it would be, neither one knowing how to act beyond the initial “hellos” exchanged. Even the decision to stand or sit isn’t an easy one: Kyungsoo finally suggests they sit, mannerly gesturing against a mirrored wall and waiting for Krystal to pick her spot first before joining her a few feet away.

“So, how are things?” she asks evasively, leaving it open-ended enough for him to pick the direction of the conversation.

He can’t control the joyous smile that blooms on his face. “They’re good. Really good,” he replies honestly to Krystal’s reflection in the mirror across from them. His response is just as vague, not yet ready to be upfront about their topic of conversation though it’s clear they both understand what they’re referring to.

“I can tell,” she grins back at him via the mirror. “You look about a hundred times better now than the last time I saw you. No offense to your former self.”

“None taken,” he smirks. The quiet that follows is almost eerie, so Kyungsoo returns the polite conversation and tries not to sound prying. “How have you been?”

“Busy,” she replies. “I’ve been doing more modeling and advertisements lately. I’d say ‘follow me on Instagram’ to get updates, but I know you two don’t bother with social media.”

There it is. The reference to Jongin, the vague coupling of the two of them together: it’s out there now. Both of them freeze and glance sideways at the other, unsure of what comes next. The silence is suffocating, so Kyungsoo takes the reins to help them resurface. Being direct seems like the best course of action, so he turns to his left to face her and his words are blunt.

“I wanted to see you because I’ve never had a chance to thank you, for everything you’ve done for us.” He watches as Krystal remains in her position, leaning back against the wall and tugging at a loose thread on the bottom hem of her shirt.

“Ah, don’t act like it was such a sacrifice. It was Jongin’s doing, you know. Putting all the pieces together. I’ve been on the fence about re-signing for quite a while, mostly still considering it only because of Amber, Luna, and Vic. So it’s not like any information he used in your talk with the VP was all that different from what was already going on. He just managed to present all our problems together in a convincing package that gave us the most leverage,” she deflects. When she lifts her head, it’s to watch Kyungsoo but still through the mirror on the other side of the room, not yet willing to turn and look at him directly.

He tries again to express his gratitude so that she’ll accept it. “Okay, but still. You… you don’t judge us. And you were willing to go along with Jongin’s idea. So thank you.”

She gives him a conceding nod. “You’re welcome. I want you guys to be happy, you know?” she bites her lip as she finishes, eyes trained on the unraveling edge of her t-shirt.

“I do…” Kyungsoo agrees. He hesitates but clears his throat to voice out, “You know, you might not believe me when I say this, but… if it couldn’t have been me, I would have wanted it to have been you.”

Krystal gives a weak smile and finally turns to look right at him. “I do believe you, actually. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to help. I mean, to be honest, it was mostly because I knew it’s what would make him happiest. But… you had a chance to push me away long ago, to try and make me move on to someone else… and you didn’t take it. Why? Why didn’t you interfere at that SMTOWN when I’d confided in you that I liked him, or interrupt when I was consoling Nini later backstage?” Her eyes bore into him, like she thinks she knows the answer but needs to hear it straight from him.

Kyungsoo shrugs, fidgeting by knocking his feet together a few times before answering. “I’d never want to limit his options for happiness like that. I wouldn’t want him to pick me just because I was the only choice available.” He feels particularly vulnerable in vocalizing the next part aloud, but thinks he owes it to her to tell the truth. “And you… well still, you can give him things I can’t.”

Krystal’s shrewd eyes acknowledge the meaning behind his words, and she hums but gives a tiny shake of her head. “He doesn’t want anything without you. After he told me the truth in February, everything made sense. But it was especially clear the first time I witnessed you guys after that, that one night you passed us in the dessert shop when you were out with your actor friends? I knew it the moment I saw you two look at each other. Jongin’s never looked at me that way…”

An apology seems inappropriate, but Kyungsoo does feel a little bad for the girl. She seems to sense it and waves her hand at him.

“No pity. You know, it never would have worked out well, you pushing him to me. As much as I do love him, I’m glad I’ve been able to see what you two have, mutually. It inspires me to find someone who’ll look back at me in the same way,” she says resolutely, though it seems she’s trying to convince herself as much as she’s trying to convince Kyungsoo. “I deserve that.”

“You really do, Krystal. You’re an amazing person and a true friend.” Without warning, he takes her hand in his and gives it a tight squeeze. “Thank you.”

She squeezes back, but turns her head away for a moment. When she looks back, Kyungsoo can see the signs of recently shed tears, which Krystal is trying to hide without success, dabbing at her eyes with her wrist. Giving up with a sigh, she asks him with an attempt at humor in her voice, “Got any pointers for getting over Jongin?”

Slowly, he shakes his head no. His voice is soft when he replies. “I’m afraid I’m the wrong person to ask. See, I never did—“

“—get over him,” she finishes with a somber laugh. “Of course not. What was I thinking.”

He grimaces and rubs her shoulder soothingly.

Seeing the sadness in his eyes, she attempts to shrug off his concern again. “It’s different. He was never mine to begin with, whereas you were trying to recover from losing him. I’ve been doing fine, too, really I have. Just… this final chapter of closure is making some of those pesky old feelings resurface,” she claims. But Kyungsoo can detect the half-truth, and a wordless moment of eye contact shows that Krystal knows he knows: those affections aren’t having a momentary blip – they’ve never really resolved in the first place. Her voice drops to a shaky whisper. “Please don’t tell him. He doesn’t know.”

“I’m not going to lie to my boyfriend,” Kyungsoo says a little louder than necessary, especially considering the hushed tone she’d just used. He scales back, both in volume and attitude, not wanting to create tension. “But I won’t go out of my way to bring it up either,” he reassures her. “You do know they’re planning to ask you guys to get caught hanging out every so often?”

Krystal scoffs. “ _They_ can go fuck themselves. Sorry,” she grimaces. They’ve never been close enough to really swear around each other before, but Kyungsoo’s stifling a laugh.

“Don’t worry – I share the same sentiment,” he confides. “I do hope that one day we can all be friends, but just… not quite yet.”

“Understandable,” she agrees. “Some distance might do me some good.” She sniggers. “Did Jongin tell you that this was the advice I gave him? To get over his ex before I knew it was you?” He shakes his head no. “Yeah, it was what finally made him crack and tell me about you, actually – because it was impossible. Maybe I should be glad that I can attempt it…”

“I don’t want you to feel alone.” Kyungsoo means it. He knows the emptiness that comes with losing the person you love, both romantically and as a best friend, and he wouldn’t wish his experience on his worst enemy. “But I do think it’ll be easier for us to try to stay out of sight and out of mind for now. Maybe focus on work more? Exhaustion was kind of a blessing for me,” he offers.

Krystal expresses her disagreement with pinched lips. “Not for girls. Do you know how bubbly I’m expected to be in CFs? You know how hard that is for me just at baseline – throw a lack of sleep into the mix and I’ll be so pissy no one will hire me,” she jokes, and they both laugh. Their mutual hatred for aegyo comes full circle in helping them bond.

After a moment of comfortable silence, it’s clear to both of them it’s time to go. Kyungsoo stands and offers her his other free hand that’s not still laced with hers, pulling her up by both. Once they’re both fully upright, she gives him a firm hug which he readily returns. Stepping back, she pats the top of his head, easily able to do so since she’s in kitten-heeled shoes, and snickers. “I threatened to beat you up once, too, indirectly as the ex, for making Jongin feel like he wasn’t worth it.”

“You’d only win because I’d never hit a woman,” he retorts with a feisty gleam in his eyes.

She cackles. “Do you know what his response was? ‘You might be taller, but you’d still lose.’”

“Unbelievable,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “He made a crack at my height?”

“Yep. Don’t take that crap from him, okay? He’ll need someone to knock him down a few pegs when ‘Kai’ bleeds into Nini and he gets sassy. Fill that role for me while I’m away?” she asks with a sad smile.

“Sure thing,” he says, humoring her because he feels helpless to do much else for her right now. It’s going to be rough, clearly, for all of them, until the whole fake relationship is over. Anytime Jongin and Krystal are seen together is bound to make headlines, so they can’t really be friends even if Krystal was ready (which she’s obviously not). Plus, the whole charade precludes the poor girl from actually trying to move on and date someone new, as nobody is going to be willing to get close while she’s supposedly already attached. She’s in a tough spot, and Kyungsoo can only hope and pray, for everyone’s sake, that this faux relationship can be called off by the end of a year. In the meantime, it’ll suck and they’ll just have to forge ahead.

“Take care, okay?” he says sincerely, as they walk to the door. Friendly goodbye waves are exchanged, and Krystal takes one more long look around the practice room. With a big exhale, she hits the switch and turns out the lights on the Room of Sorrows, closing the door behind her. As it clicks shut with an echoing ring of finality, she turns and goes her separate way down the brightly lit hallway, a faint rainbow shining outside the windows as the sun peeks out from behind the storm clouds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the 'closure' for Krystal that still leaves the door open for future drabbles. ^^ Talk with me in the comments.
> 
> [Tumblr](http://at1stsoo.tumblr.com) – [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo)
> 
> References:
> 
>   * Had to include [Nini dancing to Don’t Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so3xap5Z71Y) at the start of the ch because he’s so damn emotional and gorgeous with it. Not to mention, I think the first Kaisoo fmv I ever watched was [this one, set to Don’t Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsRsGBPQEeA). Enjoy the beautiful Kaisoo /sobs/
>   * With respect to Soo recording them in the studio, just remember he told us that [he’s not innocent](http://www.soompi.com/2016/01/30/exos-d-o-talks-about-his-first-love-in-high-school/), that [he’s not a pure guy](http://i.imgur.com/iboSdc1.gif) (ASDFGHJKL, boo, we know you’re f*cking but damn son, tell the worldddd)
>   * Kai does get more lines on the EX’act album, esp more singing lines than before (some evidence: <https://c1.staticflickr.com/8/7065/26939566864_b869f1dd76_o.jpg>). So I like to think Soo really did help him with his singing ;)
>   * A [KrySoo moment with their height comparison](https://media.giphy.com/media/E6mY0c7bgURY4/giphy.gif) (I love this man, but there’s [no way he’s taller than 168cm)](http://www.wowkeren.com/images/events/ori/2014/08/16/smtown-live-world-tour-iv-seoul-17.jpg)
> 



	33. Two Full Moons Gravitate Together

 

JUST BEFORE EX’ACT ERA

 

Jongin hears about it after the company has already made the announcement: he’s supposed to do a “Hats On” fanmeet in Shanghai with Chanyeol, Sehun, and Minseok next month. He immediately looks for Jaehyuk and pulls him aside to talk privately.

“Did you know about this?” he asks, trying to keep his cool.

“No, actually. I wasn’t brought into any meetings about it – it was scheduled by someone else,” the manager replies. “Is there a problem?”

“Gee, I wonder who might have scheduled that. Sending me out of the country. Without Kyungsoo.” Jongin keeps his tone level but ice cold, and understanding dawns on Jaehyuk’s face.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I thought we had an agreement that we’re supposed to be able to promote _together_ more. Why send me and not Kyungsoo? We never get to do fanmeets together. This is bullshit. And if VP gets away with it now, he’s just going to continue doing it.” Jongin knows that his rationale is sound when Jaehyuk grimaces and rubs his forehead, absorbing the dancer’s concerns.

“Well, should I arrange a way for you and Kyungsoo to talk to—“

“No, don’t bother Soo… he does so much for me, hyung,” Jongin pleads softly. He looks skyward and gnaws on his bottom lip as he thinks. Turning back to the manager, he speaks more decisively.  “Let me be the point person to deal with the unpleasantries with the VP. When necessary, we'll involve Kyungsoo, of course, but for things like this, I don't want him to have to face that bastard when he already suffered so much from him. Please?” he appeals. “I’m not going to hide anything from him; I just want to be the buffer when it comes to that crooked man, to tackle things like this for us and be the one fighting for our relationship for a change.”

Jaehyuk seems to comprehend the younger’s feelings, maybe even appreciate him for them. With a firm nod, the manager agrees. “Okay. You handled things perfectly with the VP last time, anyway, so I think what you’re saying makes sense. Do you think we need an in-person meeting or would over the phone work?”

“I think a phone call is probably sufficient. But first, talk to me about Soo’s schedule. If the issue is that he can’t go, then I’ll just request to stay home, too, and suggest Jongdae go instead since he’s promoted more in China than me. That seems reasonable, right?” he ventures.

“Yeah, it does actually. Let’s see…” Jaehyuk pulls up D.O and Chen’s schedules on his phone. “No, Kyungsoo doesn’t have any conflicts with that date. Neither does Jongdae, by the way.”

“Okay, then my first plan is to request Kyungsoo to join us for the fanmeet, and if there’s some bs reason why he absolutely can’t go, then I’ll demand to stay behind in Korea with him and have Dae go in my place,” Jongin explains.

“Sounds good,” the manager agrees.

The phone call is surprisingly brief, with Jongin only needing to remind the VP tersely of the agreement they all made that April 1st night in his office and each side needing to ‘hold up their end of the bargain.’ It’s agreed that Kyungsoo will be added to the fanmeet line-up in place of Minseok who might be needed back home to help promote his movie, _Seondal_ , around that time anyway. When they hang up the phone, Jongin grins broadly at Jaehyuk. “Thanks for letting me do that. I’ll mention to Soo how I got him added to the schedule so he’s in the loop, but let’s not make a big deal out of it, okay? I just want him to have one less thing to worry about.”

Jaehyuk nods and ruffles the younger's hair, mumbling to himself as he leaves the room. “You two… you really do take good care of each other…”

.

.

.

A few weeks later, it’s early May, and they’ve just been informed they’re going to be promoting not one but two title tracks off the album. The first choreography they’re learning is for _Monster_. They're only five seconds in, and Jongin’s already pissed off. He knows it’s petty, but he can’t help but glare at Sehun every time he looms over his boyfriend, hands placed on Kyungsoo’s lower back and shoulder. _‘Watch where those filthy mitts land. That was too close…’_ the green-eyed monster inside him wants to growl at the maknae.

Sehun notices these not-so-subtle scowls and flashes his eyes wide to tell Jongin to cut it out. They’re in the presence of two of their choreography trainers right now. Jongin tries to focus on his coordination with Yixing in front of him, but his eyes keep drifting right, back over to his boyfriend. He practically hisses when they start again and he notices the lanky noodle’s knee bump into Kyungsoo’s butt on accident.

Sehun rolls his eyes and clears his throat to capture people’s attention. “Um, this isn’t going to work for me.”

The main choreographer shoots him a confused look. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Kyungsoo-hyung’s too short.”

“YAH,” said singer exclaims.

“I can’t comfortably bend in place each time and hit the moves just right because he’s too low down to the ground… or something. Anyway, maybe Jongin and I can trade places?” he suggests in his signature drawl, starting to swap positions with his fellow dancer before even getting the go ahead.

“Works for me,” Jongin says, a little too enthusiastically. “I, uh, prefer stage right anyway.”

Baekhyun takes the opportunity to sneeze “ _bullshit”_ into his elbow, but luckily no one but Minseok reacts with a snort.

“Okay okay, focus guys. Let’s start again,” says Junmyeon smoothly.

The music cues up from the top, and Jongin has to fight the grin threatening to surface. He’s going to get to put his hands all over Kyungsoo every time they perform _Monster_. It’s almost too good to be true, he thinks as he clutches his boyfriend’s ass perhaps a bit too eagerly in the opening move, feeling Kyungsoo stare up at him from his crouched position with a mock _‘don’t push it’_ look in his eyes. When they shift to the next mechanical pose, the singer lets his fingers graze the inside of Jongin’s thigh, awfully close to his crotch, as a warning that two can play at that game if he’s not careful. Jongin bites his lip and tries to get more into character.

In the next iteration, he channels his inner Kai who wants to claim what’s his and let everyone in the world know it. “VERY good, Kai! I like the intensity- the possessiveness is perfect for the song’s message! That’s the kind of feral emotion we need in this number, guys. Take notes,” praises the choreographer.

Jongdae lets loose a high-pitched, humorous squeal and jumps around to presumably shake it off. “Okay, I can do this. Just needed to get that out first. I’m ready to be, um, feral.”

Later, during a break, Jongin overhears an annoyed Chanyeol whispering to Junmyeon. “Before the showcase, we’re going to need another meeting about _subtly_ in how we distract from Kadi. Amateurs.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Most of the members are out at the salon with Jaehyuk getting their haircuts and dye jobs in various shades of the rainbow to prepare for the approaching music video shoots. Thankfully, Kyungsoo doesn’t have to deal with such nonsense given his short, cropped style required by his _With God_ contract for the next year. So he actually has some down time instead. Grabbing his car keys, he takes a leisurely drive toward the edges of Seoul for the small, out of the way grocery store he frequents when he wants to shop in peace. After some deliberation over what to get and a quick call to his mother to make sure his ingredient list is complete, he gathers the staples he needs: zucchini, chili peppers, green onions, carrots, eggs, and doenjang. The dorm is still empty when he gets back, so he sends a quick text to Jaehyuk to figure out how soon they’ll all be returning. The reply text lets him know that he’s got an hour, the perfect amount of time needed to cook in peace. After he starts the rice cooker, he chops the vegetables and boils water, adding in the doenjang to stew. He’s plating it all with finishing touches right as the members barge through the front door with the manager bringing up the rear, dutifully picking up the shoes that didn’t quite make it into the entryway cubby like they were supposed to.

“Ooo, what’d you make, Soo?” Baekhyun inquires, hopping into the kitchen and backhugging him to kiss up to the cook in hopes of winning some food. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes as the other vocalist’s ploy is obvious from the get go; Baek reaches over to lift the lid on the pot of doenjang-jiggae the moment he thinks the chef isn’t looking.

Kyungsoo shooes him out of the kitchen. “Leave the cover on it and step away. This isn’t for you.”

Baekhyun whines. “Let me guess: it’s for Jongin, because you only care about your one and only ever since you’ve gotten the green light to tap that ass on a daily basis. UGH, so unfair.”

“No,” Kyungsoo replies, surprising all those within earshot. “It’s for Jaehyuk-hyung.”

The manager’s head pops up from alongside the couch where he’d been tidying up a mess of crumbs carelessly left behind from someone’s morning snack. Eyes wide, he points at himself to verify he overheard correctly. “For me?”

Kyungsoo nods and carries the tray over to the dining table before gesturing for Jaehyuk to take a seat. The other members sense the serious, personal atmosphere and quietly abandon the common area to give the two some privacy. As the manager approaches the chair, the singer rubs the back of his neck and shyly says, “I haven’t gotten around to properly thanking you, for all the things you’ve done for me. For all of us really – you’re an amazing manager to us, hyung. You have been since the beginning, and we don’t show our appreciation for you enough. But especially for the last several months, you’ve been almost like a…” the words ‘father-figure’ die on Kyungsoo’s tongue, threatening to evoke tears over the bittersweetness of that label, given the context. “You’ve been a great friend and support to me. This meal isn’t nearly enough to repay you for your kindness, but it was cooked with love and my deepest gratitude.” He bows a full 90 degrees in respect and swallows down the lump in his throat.

When he stands back up, Jaehyuk’s eyes are misty as well. The manager pulls him into a tight embrace. “It’s been my honor to work alongside such admirable young men. And that counts doubly for you, Kyungsoo. Your character is above reproach, and I’m forever proud to be associated with you. That’ll never change.” His words convey a promise that he’s ready to defend them, come what may, and Kyungsoo is so touched that he has to bite his lip to keep his composure. Jaehyuk claps him on the back a few times, as though the forceful pats are needed to reclaim his tougher persona, before releasing him from the hug.

Clearing his throat, the manager rubs his hands together. “So, what’d you make for me?”

“Doenjang-jiggae and fried rice.”

“I’ll eat it well,” he says with a grin, snapping a photo of the carefully prepared meal as a memento before digging in.

.

.

.

The EX’ACT Showcase is here before they know it. After weeks of preparation and relentless promotions with their V live broadcasts, the group is finally all up on stage, doing the extensive interview with Leeteuk. After lots of banter revealing supposed ‘secrets’ about the other members, things are winding down when D.O is asked directly for some dirt on other members. He passes the buck, giving a snarky “If I open my mouth, you’re all finished” response. But just as they’re moving on, Kai decides to poke fun of him, claiming he’s got good stories on D.O and Sehun.

They go off mic because their host is transitioning to the next segment, but Kyungsoo’s still curious what Jongin was going to say. “Me?” he mouths at the dancer, pointing to himself to verify he heard correctly. Jongin nods cheekily. “What?” he asks back. Jongin grabs his left side, and it takes a moment before it clicks. Once it does, Kyungsoo keels over with laughter at the memory before reaching across Lay to hold his boyfriend’s hand and give it a squeeze.

 _~~~~~~~Three weeks prior_ ~~~~~~~

It’s early one morning when he notices it. While lying in bed, Kyungsoo stares at his side, his tongue sticking out of his mouth in concentration and concern.

“Whatcha doing, jagi?” Jongin inquires through a lazy yawn, having woken up from his boyfriend’s twisting and turning to get a good look at himself.

“I think… I think I have a new mole. And it’s kinda large. Maybe I need to see a dermatologist.”

“Where?”

Kyungsoo points to his left side near his armpit. “Right there.”

Jongin frowns. “You’re right, that one wasn't there before.”

The singer rolls his eyes. “Like you would know better than I would.”

Jongin looks him deep in the eyes with a mock insulted face on. “Excuse me, I happen to worship this incredible body of yours and know all the locations of your moles as well as the total number you have.”

Kyungsoo gives him a doubtful look.

“It’s 37. And this is NOT one of them.” Jongin leans in close to inspect it, hot breath tickling the singer and causing him to squirm a bit as his skin prickles from the intimacy. Kyungsoo feels an exciting zing of pleasure once the boy leans in and sucks on it. Just as he is starting to be consumed by that familiar spark of arousal, the mood is killed by the younger busting out laughing.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks, flushing red in annoyance now.

“It was a smudge of chocolate sauce, hyung. From last night,” he manages to squeak out between guffaws.

“Geez, I was worried! Don’t laugh at me!” Kyungsoo swats the younger but this does nothing to quiet his laughs. “Kim Jongin, cut it out right now or I will give you something to laugh about!” he squawks at the giggling dancer, mounting him around the waist and tickling his armpits and along his neck mercilessly. Jongin writhes for awhile trying to throw him off and escape the onslaught of tickles, but it’s no use when Kyungsoo’s muscular thighs are tightened to hold him in place.

“Okay, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he squeals out.

Relenting, Kyungsoo rolls off with a final ruffle of the dancer’s hair. “Ugh, no more food play for you, you big dork.” His reprimand has no bite in it, though, as he lets his lover pull him in for an apologetic kiss, both of them smirking against the others’ lips. Their hands find their natural positions around each other: in the younger’s hair at the back of the nape, another on a tanned hip, one cupping the elder’s cheek, and the other gliding down a toned, pale back. Before they know it, they’ll be summoned out to the van to go rehearse, but it’s enough, these small, blissful moments. So long as they have their quiet morning kisses, every day starts off perfectly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kyungsoo comes back from the memory to the present, but the giddiness in his heart lingers. He sees Yixing smirking at the two of them, trying not to draw additional attention to their private conversation, but making knowing eyes at Kyungsoo. Yixing's probably concluding the topic is something dirtier than it actually is, but he's amused by the couple's playful reminiscence nonetheless. The support of all the members continues to amaze Kyungsoo on a daily basis. All these feelings swirling inside him make him feel like he’s walking on air, to the point that he doesn’t even care when Leeteuk requests he do aegyo for the audience. For once, he just lets himself go and flails his arms upward, releasing all the happiness in his full heart.

\---------------------------------------------------

The first two weeks of promotions come to a close before the couple is finally able to turn in for bed at a reasonable hour again in their room. Promoting is exhausting, especially this time around with the dual title tracks, but album sales are doing well and they’re winning on music shows, so it’s worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. After a nice, relaxing shower, Jongin enters their bedroom still toweling off his wet hair. He sees Kyungsoo already settled into his side of the bed, sitting up against the headboard with his lower legs tucked neatly under the comforter. The singer's laptop is perched on his covered thighs, a video playing, but he pauses it and closes the lid halfway when he hears Jongin shuffling in. The elder smiles at him and pats the space next to him on the bed.

“Come snuggle – I’m cold.”

Jongin laughs, cooing internally at how cute he is, sitting in a plain black t-shirt with no make-up and his hair free of product: Kyungsoo in his purest form. He wastes no time sliding under the comforter and settling in next to his boyfriend, slinging his arm over the smaller’s shoulders to tuck him close to his side. “You only love me for my warmth, huh?” he teases.

“No, I love you for your everything,” Kyungsoo says easily, like such affection is the most natural thing to fall from his lips.

Jongin stares at him in wonder for a moment, marveling at how the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes is so soft as he gazes right back. How did he ever get so lucky? “God, you’re so perfect,” he murmurs. The dancer leans in and bumps their noses together, nuzzling into Kyungsoo's plush cheek before leaving a tender peck there. “What were you watching?”

“Your ‘Kai, Deep in Thought’ Exomentary. I finally have time to see all the inner thoughts you shared with the world,” he says with a smile.

“What??” Jongin groans and rubs his face with his free hand, cringing at the memory of recording it. “Don’t – it’s embarrassing. I had no idea what to talk about. Thank goodness Junmyeon showed up and saved me with a stupid game.”

“Oh hush. You’re adorable. Here, watch it with me.” Ignoring the whine slipping out of the younger’s mouth, Kyungsoo presses play again.

 _“’What would you do if you won the lottery?’”_ the on-screen Kai reads from the book. _“Hmmm, I won the lottery once…”_

“I won it the first time you kissed me back,” Jongin whispers into his boyfriend’s ear. Kyungsoo blushes and purses his lips to suppress a smile, gently elbowing him in the ribs.

“Shhh, I want to hear what you told the fans. Some of these questions are ones we’ve never discussed – I’m learning about you,” the elder says, placing a quick smooch on his temple before turning his attention back to the video.

“I’ve still got the book around here somewhere – we can do it together, live. Just get my face off your computer,” he complains, trying to interfere with the video player.

Kyungsoo snatches his hand and side-eyes him. “You’re making me suspicious now that there’s something you don’t want me to see on this broadcast.”

“No, I just don’t want to relive the cringe,” he mumbles. MCing and being interviewed are definitely not his forte, and this documentary is essentially both rolled into one. But Kyungsoo’s feeling stubborn.

The elder reaches up and pats his cheek. “What are you talking about? You’re doing great, baby. Humor me.” Kyungsoo graces him with a rare entreating face, purposefully looking up at him with doe eyes, fluttering his long lashes at the dancer, and Jongin could never resist such a face. He nods, admitting defeat.

So they continue watching, Jongin wincing at himself not knowing how to handle transitions as he talks about the alternative career he might have wanted in healthcare if he hadn’t been a dancer, or trying to come up with a guess of what he’ll be like in 30 years. He quickly discovers that it’s a lot more fun to watch Kyungsoo than the video itself, and enjoy his reactions to Kai. Seeing the singer laugh at his lame jokes, coo at his awkward fumbles, and smile broadly at some of his more honest answers… it makes Jongin swell with pride. It’s like seeing himself through Kyungsoo’s eyes, and the way the elder _delights_ in the man on the screen, well, he can’t help but like himself, too, for being able to bring his boyfriend this much joy.

At the end when he’s playing the charade game, Kyungsoo catches Jongin’s not-so-sneaky message. “Did you just make a heart at someone?” he turns and accuses him with a lightly furrowed brow.

Jongin chews the inside of his cheek to hold in his smirk, tickled pink at the mild pout forming on the his hyung’s lips without his knowledge. _‘Ah, that adorable jealous streak.’_ “Yeah, I did.”

Kai on-screen fumbles about trying to come up with an appropriate mime for the topic. _“Uh, what do they do… I thought of a gesture that person does.”_ Kai hesitates some more. _“Doesn’t he always do this, in Growl?”_

His boyfriend starts cracking up as he clues in. “THAT’S what is most representative of me? My stupid little okay sign?”

“Well my first instinct was to make kissy faces at the camera to emphasize your luscious lips, but I thought that might be _too_ obvious and crossing the line, and the next thing that came to mind was your glorious ass, but highlighting that was off-limits as well—” Jongin squeaks as Kyungsoo gives him a playful nip on the shoulder. “And then I was running out of time to pick something without it looking suspicious for stalling, so I went with that.”

The singer rolls his eyes at him. “You think that was flying under the radar?” he needles him in good fun. “But you sounded like you weren’t even sure if I make the gesture – you’re our main dancer, Jongin. You know everyone’s part for every song forwards and backwards because you’re so diligent.”

“Well, the fans don’t know that.”

“I’m pretty sure they do, love. You’re probably the only one who doesn’t recognize how special your dedication to hard work is,” Kyungsoo says fondly, rearranging the younger’s slightly damp fringe to keep it from drying with a cowlick.

Jongin hums happily at the soothing hair pets and slides down so he’s laying flat on his back in the bed, looking up at Kyungsoo who rolls on his side to stay pressed against him, head propped up on his free hand while the other hand continues to thread through the dancer’s locks. The night is peaceful, not a cloud in the sky, with the pale glow of a full moon high outside their bedroom window. In the quiet and under the tender care of his boyfriend, Jongin feels his eyelids threaten to droop, but then he hears the elder’s dulcet voice.

“You struggled a bit with that question about what you’ll be like in 30 years, huh?”

“Mmhmm. I’m still not good at planning that far out. But you are, hyung. What do you think?” _‘Plan my life for me, Soo,’_ he feels himself keen inside. Jongin gently removes his boyfriend’s fingers from his hair so that he’ll stay awake for this conversation. He brings the fingertips to his lips and carefully peppers them with light kisses before interlacing their fingers together.

“I know… you said you want to be in healthcare, so you’ll be an EMT.”

“I will?” he says with a grin, liking the sound of that.

“Yeah. Bringing people back from the brink of death by jump starting their hearts with your gorgeous face,” Kyungsoo says, lightly caressing the younger’s nose from bridge to tip.

Jongin’s eyes crinkle into tiny crescents as he laughs. “Oh my gosh, hyung, I’m not _that_ pretty.”

“Yes you are. And I’ll tell you every day until you start believing it.”

“Whatever, you’re still prettier.” He reaches up to trace along the elder’s collarbones, fully enjoying the affectionate banter and craving more closeness as always.

“That’s not all you’ll be,” Kyungsoo continues.

“It’s not?”

“No. You’ll be my husband.”

Jongin holds his breath, not sure if he’s supposed to laugh because it’s a joke or cry because it’s a real… suggestion? Proposal? Kyungsoo looks completely serious, eyes traveling over his face to take in the younger’s reaction. Overcome with emotion, Jongin barely manages to whisper, “I want that so much, Soo. But what if it’s still not legal in Korea?”

“Then we’ll travel somewhere to have a ceremony where it _is_ legal. There’s nowhere in the world I wouldn’t go to make you mine. Officially. Forever.”

He stares at Kyungsoo, unblinking, just absorbing all of the rich adoration in the other’s eyes. He could swim in those gorgeous pupils for hours, with all their wit, tenderness, and wisdom, and never get bored. Not hours, make that years. Finally, Jongin wraps a hand around the elder’s neck and pulls him down to close the gap and kiss Kyungsoo with all his might. Their tongues meet in an intense collision, as though they’re each trying to convey the power of their promise to each other through the steamy kiss. He shifts to bring Kyungsoo completely on top of him so that their bodies are flush together from the tangled tips of their toes to their joined mouths, as though each desperately needs the other on every square inch of their skin possible. After the initial urgency to meld themselves together, their making out turns soft and slow, as if a preview of what it’ll be like when they’ll finally have all the time in the world. One day, there will be no more rushing, hiding in storage closets backstage or under the stairs at concerts.

One day, they’ll have their forever.

With a final gentle press of their mouths, Jongin reluctantly lets go of Kyungsoo’s lips in order to take in his beautiful appearance. They’re both teetering on the edge of tears as he pulls back, Kyungsoo propped with his elbows on either side of the younger man’s head.

Jongin skates his fingertips down the other’s smooth back as he says honestly, “Can I be 53 tomorrow when I wake up? I don’t think I can wait 30 years.”

Kyungsoo nuzzles the younger’s face from jawline to forehead and back again. “Me neither. How about 5 instead?”

“5 years? You don’t think that’ll be too soon?”

“No. It’s pretty much 5 years too long, if you ask me. But maybe that way we could do it before we enlist. In the meantime… if you’re ready, maybe you can come with me this Christmas to visit my family?”

Jongin stares up at him. “You’re serious? I’d… I’d love that. I was thinking about coming out to my parents during Chuseok actually, if that’d be okay with you. But are _you_ sure? About…” He can’t quite finish the sentence, feeling butterflies in his stomach, excited at the prospect but nervous for his man, knowing how important that moment would be for him, how much will be at stake.

“Yes, Jongin – I’m more than sure. I’ll be ready to talk to my father. Maybe he’ll be feeling charitable in the Christmas season. Or not. I don’t care, honestly. It won’t matter, so long as I have you.”

Cupping Kyungsoo’s face between his hands, Jongin promises him with a chaste kiss: “You’ll always have me, Soo. I’ve never been anyone but yours.”

.

.

.

Every whisper exchange on stage from that day forward goes a little something like this:

“Hyung, tell me my favorite story.”

“The one about how I love you?”

They exchange goofy grins, never tiring of this warm routine, no matter how many times they’ve said the words before.

“Yes, that one. Always that one.”

“Once upon a time, you smiled, and I started falling for you. And every day, I keep falling.”

"Remember you're not alone: we're falling together. I love you, Soo. Forever and always.”

“I love you, too, Jongin. Forever and always.”

 

\----------------------------------(NOT QUITE) THE END (1 of 2)---------------------------------

 

So... this is actually NOT the original ending of Waxing & Waning, and there are still some chapters to post over the next few days. Bc there are so many references for this chapter, I’m posting the explanation in the next page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * So, for real, the [first announcement for the Hats On event](https://twitter.com/EXOfanbase_Int/status/723509278376501248) in Shanghai didn’t have Soo in it. But [3 days later, D.O was switched in](http://www.exodicted.net/2016/04/info-160425-chanyeol-sehun-kai-and-do.html) for Minseok. Way to go, Jongin ;) fight for that time with your man. [Hats On fanmeet pics ](https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s640x640/sh0.08/e35/13258992_567303786782000_856619586_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTI2MDcyMjM2MjM4NzU3NjE4MA%3D%3D.2.l)(the top pic of the ch is from it as well) T__T Here’s a [Kaisoo FMV from the fanmeet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adNt_RYG_VA) as well
>   * The Monster choreo will go down as my fav choreo opening. Did you like how in the story Kai was originally partnered with Lay and Sehun with D.O, until Nini made him switch lol? We all know how [Nini’s all over Soo’s ass,](https://66.media.tumblr.com/858d8e0e51811fa68887cbfc420037da/tumblr_o8gsf1Qc9x1vnkpe3o2_500.gif) but as described in the ch, watch [Kyungsoo's right hand being sneaky](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJKuXumBsLw) at 0:08 - it is CLEARLY being pulled up high against Nini’s inner thigh on purpose (the angle is too awkward for it to have been an accident). Here, [have another fancam of it](https://youtu.be/e6yfz1NKv_Y?t=22s) where you can see Soo’s got his elbow **_flexed and_** **_bent_** at an upward angle to get all high and tight on Nini’s thigh as opposed to him accidentally catching on Nini’s leg while turning (his arm would’ve been loose by his side if so). Boys. O_O
>   * Kyungsoo really did [cook doenjang-jiggae and fried rice for his manager](http://www.soompi.com/2016/07/27/exos-d-o-prepares-heartwarming-meal-manager/) this past summer. I like to think it was for his irl Jaehyuk, who has stood behind him through tough times. ;_;
>   * [Kaisoo in their own world](https://twitter.com/_LUVISU/status/740551679079153664?lang=fi) at the Showcase, inspiring my ‘food play mistaken for mole’ flashback scene here, haha; [another vid with Lay’s precious reaction](https://www.instagram.com/p/BH0VoHwDQlb/?taken-by=kaisooph), and then [Soo’s EPIC excited aegyo](http://www.imgrum.org/media/1269355704579349730_1649451110) at the end
>   * This is the [look Soo gives Nini](https://twitter.com/ksoogifs/status/713860262739226624?s=09) (in my mind) to convince him to let them keep watching the Kai, Deep in Thought video (I’d give him the world if he ever looked at me this way, holy shhhh)
>   * [Kai's Exomentary](https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0B8k2DUlkumzccGFEMnhLekQta3c) – Oh this sweet child. Go to 6:10 to see the lottery question followed by the ‘what profession would you do question’ where Nini answers he’d like to be in healthcare in an area that really needs it and heal people (darling boy ;__;). Then skip to 14:29 to see the ‘What will I be like in 30 yrs?’ And of course, the infamous not-so-sneaky heart at 44:20 for D.O ^^
> 



	34. Volatile Evening Weather

So I must first confess to you all that **what you just finished reading is actually the ALTERNATE ENDING** of Waxing  & Waning: Two Moons. When I first wrote and published this fic (April 2 - Sept 20, 2016) on AFF, I had planned for it to be a 4 chaptered fic that dealt with the April 1 announcement, and I knew for sure how it was going to end. Well, what you just read was **not** that ending (it had so many Ex'act moments in it - Ex'act was still 2 months away, there was no comeback in sight when I'd started writing W&W).

**I decided while cross-posting the fic here on ao3 that I'd give you guys the Alternate Ending first, but the original story on AFF has the Original Ending listed first. And I'm still going to give that Original Ending to you here.**

Before we go there, let me just say that this fic is my love letter to Kaisoo. I hope it serves as an enjoyable reference for past, present, and future fans. If anyone ever says to you, "I don't get why Kaisoo shippers are so intense," just point them to this fic/the reference sections, ha. I joked with someone while writing it that I kinda turned into a Kaisoo librarian, trying to catalog all their special moments for posterity. And the reality is… there are so many touching Kaisoo memories that I couldn’t even work all of them into this fic.

Watching these two care for each other over the past several years has touched my heart. There’s just such a unique, intimate quality about they way they interact, on stage and off, in front of cameras, and when they think no one’s looking. I hope that this fic captured at least a small percentage of the feelings they exude for each other and what they’ve stirred in Kaisoo stans' hearts.

May each of you find someone who continually encourages you like Nini, fiercely protects you like Soo, and loves you with that passionate Kaisoo fire.

.

.

.

 

 **And now, if you're ready, let's go down the path of the Original Ending. There are 4 chapters to this ending. We're rewinding back in time... all the way back to the end of ch 23 where Kaistal has just driven home from the restaurant date. **You must erase Ch 24-33 that you just read. None of that happened. Here is the Original Ch 24... **  
**

 -------------------------------------

Ch 24 – Volatile Evening Weather

(immediately following Ch 23)

“You promised me once that you’d never give me another friendly kiss.”

“I know,” he says as he leans in…

When Jongin’s lips brush against Krystal’s, it’s feather light before he gathers the courage to actually press them all the way together. She responds in turn, gently leaning into the chaste kiss which lasts only a few seconds.

Jongin catches a whiff of her lilac perfume as he slowly pulls back, keeping his eyes closed for the moment. The feeling that lingers on his lips is like… like everything he associates with Krystal. Warm. Safe. Easy. There’s no urgency, no sudden loss of control, no fireworks. But it’s still pleasant, and when he opens his eyes to see hers alive with adoration, Jongin can’t help but return her smile.

“You’re leaving for Japan tomorrow?” he asks softly as he straightens up but keeps his hand on her nape, gently stroking her hair.

Krystal nods, blushing a little at the continued contact. Jongin slowly withdraws his hand before speaking.

“Well, let’s take some time to think about things while you’re gone. Is that okay? Then maybe, if we both want to, maybe we can go back to the restaurant in a couple of weeks when you’re back in town?” He knows he’s stalling right now, but hopes his reasoning appears sound.

“Yeah,” she agrees. She removes his coat to return it to him and starts to go, grabbing his arm when he makes to hop out of the car. “You don’t have to open my door here. You’ve been more than chivalrous,” she says with a grin. As she slides out of the car, she ducks down to say farewell. “I had a good time, Jongin. Thanks for taking me out. And I promise I’ll think about it carefully… but you already know I’d love to go out again.” She drops her gaze as her cheeks heat up. “I’ll text you while I’m away. G’night, Nini.”

He wishes her goodnight in return and watches her scamper away with excited steps, probably not realizing he’s watching. He waits until she disappears into her dorm before throwing his head back against the driver’s seat and staring at the ceiling. It was a classic, textbook date: there was good conversation, he laughed, he genuinely enjoyed her company, as always. Even the kiss was nice, he supposes. Simple, but nice. And yet… he can’t help but compare things with his first date with Kyungsoo. Both dates themselves were wonderful, but at the end of the night, he almost couldn’t bear to let the older boy go. The memory of Kyungsoo’s peach sake in their ardent kiss outside his hotel door makes Jongin’s mouth water involuntarily. Oh, what he wouldn’t give to just drown himself in the singer’s taste again.

 _‘But that’s not an option,’_ a voice coldly reminds him. _‘Kyungsoo is done with you, remember? He’s not interested anymore.’_ He needs to let go of that, to consider Krystal on her own merits. Not to mention, his and Kyungsoo’s ‘first date’ was actually years after their first kiss, so maybe it was just going to take some time for him and Krystal to reach a similar chemistry? ( _‘Yeah,_ ’ he scoffs internally, _‘because chemistry was such a problem the first time you kissed him, when you both couldn’t get your hands or lips off each other for half an hour, only breaking apart because you had to be ON STAGE again.’)_ Ugh, was he always going to be comparing the two of them? How unfair. Jongin groans, slouching forward on the steering wheel.

 _‘Maybe this is all a bad idea,’_ he muses.

 _‘Okay, I know what sounds better. Let’s hop in a time machine and go back a few months to where you don’t grope your boyfriend in front of swarms of photographers, and then higher-ups don’t start mistrusting you, like Soo had warned you would happen, and maybe, just maybe, you can cling onto the boy who_ **likes** _you a little while longer while you continue to be hopelessly in love with him and maybe try to smother him into submission. All while trying not to detonate your careers, of course. Sound swell? Moron. Too bad, there’s no time machine,’_ a sarcastic inner voice spits at him. _‘Or you could be grateful that there's a wonderful girl whom you care about that actually cares about you, too, and move.on.’_

He wishes he knew when the aching storm inside will have finally run its course.

_\---------------------------------------_

Kyungsoo wants to believe he’s managing alright. Jongin’s been distant off stage, but that’s to be expected still. They’re generally doing okay on stage, but then little things happen that make the singer miserable all over again. It’s almost the end of February now. At their concert in Jakarta, they’re doing their opening greetings when Kai leans in and starts whispering intimately into Suho’s ear. In an instant, Kyungsoo’s transported back to early 2014, when he purposefully let Suho cuddle up to him on a cold, outdoor stage to spark Jongin’s jealousy…

He had been rewarded with a passionate makeout session in the dorm’s bathroom that night. The shower had been turned on to drown out noise and ended up steaming up the whole room. Jongin had so generously started helping Kyungsoo out of his clothes as they attacked each other’s lips, discarding his sweatshirt and tank on the floor in a heap while the older was perched on the sink. He had wrapped his legs around the tall boy and dug his heels into his hips to keep him flushed against him as their tongues hungrily explored each other’s mouths. Jongin’s hands roamed the milky expanse of his back, possessively covering every inch of him with his touch. Who knows what might have happened if Minseok hadn’t knocked on the door and complained loudly, “Hey, who locked it? There’s a ‘no locking the bathroom door’ policy around here! Too many bodies and too few facilities for locks!”

They had broken apart in a flash, Kyungsoo stumbling over to the tub while yelling out, “Sorry, hyung!  I’m in the shower!” He yanked his pants and underwear off in one swift motion to get under the stream of water, quickly getting soaked to match his side of the story. When Jongin failed to speak up, the elder had to pop his head out from behind the curtain and widen his eyes at him, urging him to talk and pointing to the toilet, hoping he’d get the picture.

The younger boy was stopped in his tracks, staring with his mouth open where Kyungsoo’s naked form had been just a few moments prior, but he finally shook himself out of his trance with the singer’s gesticulating and called back. “My bad, Minseok-hyung – I had to pee and someone was already in the shower, so I figured it was full in here. I’m coming.” He gave Kyungsoo one last look with a big pout and regretful sigh before tearing himself away.

“Good boy,” Kyungsoo had teased, cheekily.

Jongin flushed the toilet in retort, purposefully making the shower water run cold and earning an undignified yelp from the singer in the shower, before unlocking the door and leaving so Minseok could wash up. They never tried to fool around in the dorm bathroom again after that close call…

All of that is a distant memory, Kyungsoo realizes, as he stares forlornly at Kai’s hyper-close contact with their leader. His own jealousy bubbles up as he presses his lips into a hard line, sad that he hasn’t received such fond whispers from Jongin in awhile. ‘ _Which is for the best,’_ he reminds himself. But he still wonders if Jongin would feel that familiar flare of jealousy or not if he saw Kyungsoo being so close with another man.

\--------------------------------------

Krystal keeps her promise to text while she’s gone, sending Jongin selcas from various Japanese landmarks when they’re sight-seeing. She doesn’t ask about whether or not he’s made up his mind on them going out again, but she does send him some more-than-friendly messages like “I miss you” and “Can’t stop thinking about you every time we see fried chicken.” The attention makes Jongin feel great: He feels needed, and her commitment to talking with him every night even after a busy day is touching. He finds himself always looking forward to her messages and makes sure to respond in a timely fashion. Their back and forth evening text sessions create this virtual, homey atmosphere, where it almost seems like they’re nestled in chairs next to each other in front of a fireplace, sharing the end of their days together over a cup of warm tea. It’s a comforting routine. The whole experience is helping Jongin imagine an actual relationship with the girl; it might not be exciting, but the calming vibe he gets from being with her certainly still holds some appeal. Besides, after so much regular communication, it’d feel wrong to just let it drop at this point, like he’d be leading her on. He decides he’s got to give another date at least a shot.

 **Jongin**  
You’re back on the 29 th, right?  
  
**Krystal**  
Yep, we get back mid-day, I think.  
  
**Jongin**  
Are you free to go out that night?  
  
**Krystal**  
Absolutely :)  
Can’t wait.

 

He considers talking to Taemin about the whole situation, but decides against it rather quickly. Their mutual friend had been so adamant that Jongin give the girl a shot. _‘All he’s going to say is “It’s about time!” and “Go for it, you’re perfect for each other!”’_ Deep down, Jongin knows he doesn’t want to hear such encouragements. Maybe because he’s scared. Maybe because he doesn’t have a good excuse not to follow such advice, but he finds his heart fighting it regardless…

\--------------------------------

Sasaengs are camped outside the dorm this evening when Kyungsoo tries to leave, delaying him as he has to wait for other tenants to leave via a less used exit so he can sneak out with them undetected.  By the time he arrives at the appointed restaurant, Jo Insung and Song Joongki are already seated at a private table against the window in the back corner of the room. He bows a full 90 degrees as he approaches them. “I’m sorry if I’m late,” he apologizes.

“Kyungsoo-ah! Don’t be silly. You’re right on time: we just ended up in a cab that was anxious to break as many traffic laws as possible to get us here in record time,” Insung jokes as he pats the seat next to him in the booth. “Come here.”

As the singer slides into the booth, his friend gives him a big hug. “Thanks so much for inviting me, hyung. So good to see you again, Joongki-sunbae.”

“Too many manners. We need to get some alcohol in you so you’ll loosen up,” Joongki says, shaking his finger at him with a bemused smirk on his face. They all laugh as he orders several bottles of Soju for the table.

Kyungsoo has a good time over dinner, listening intently to his sunbaes talk about recent projects and industry rumors. He always tries to make sure he doesn’t interject too much when he’s with his famous actor friends, but they drag a few stories out of him as well.

The meal is winding down when Insung claps him on the back and asks him frankly, “So, **D.O** , how’s the idol life? You ready to give up the scrunity and ridiculous standards of teenage girls and join the acting ranks full-time yet?” He says it with a wink, but the truth in his words has Kyungsoo sighing with his polite smile.

“No, you know how it is. I’m locked into my contract for a while yet, and I do still love singing. Plus, I’d never leave EXO while we’re still an active group. I couldn’t do that to my members,” he says honestly. _‘Especially not to one particular member who’s always been worried that’s what I’d do…’_

“Ahhh, our little Kyungsoo is so loyal and responsible. You’re a man among boys, Kyungsoo-ah,” says Joongki fondly.

“I just don’t know how you live like you do. I mean, certainly, we have our fair share of stalker paparazzi, but it’s nothing compared to what you face. And the possessiveness of your fans! I mean, how do you even date?” Insung asks, genuine curiosity on his face.

Kyungsoo swallows thickly. This is not a topic he’s prepared to discuss, and the hurt from the terrible meetings with the VP starts to bubble up. “Um, you don’t, is the easiest answer, honestly.” He downs the rest of his soju and stares at the label. This one’s got a higher alcohol proof than most others, and he can feel a buzz taking over. Good, he needs it.

“We’ll be your protection squad if you ever need help with that. But you’re young – you don’t have to worry about dating for a few more years anyway. Insung didn’t even have a public relationship until he was 31, ignore him,” ribs Joongki.

Insung throws a napkin at the other actor, chuckling as he checks his phone. “Yeah, but I’ve had plenty more behind the scenes, including my current lady. Oh! I’ve got to run. Kwangsoo and I have plans to meet at a club on the other side of Hongdae. Want to come?” he invites the other two.

“No, I’ve got an early morning meeting. You can go if you want, Kyungsoo. I’ll take care of the bill,” Jooonki says kindly.

“Oh, no I’ll stay and keep you company. Clubs aren’t really my thing.”

“Says the young 20-something who’s a professional singer and dancer. Insung, you might need to re-evaluate your life choices!” Joongki quips.

They all share a laugh as Insung slides out of the booth. “Text me if you change your minds!” he calls as he heads out, dropping a wad of bills on the table that’s more than sufficient to pay for their meals before they can stop him.

“Show off!” the other actor yells at Insung as he leaves the restaurant.

“So tell me what is filming _Descendants of the Sun_ like? It’s doing so well already. Congrats on that!” Kyungsoo accepts one of the two remaining Soju bottles that Joongki passes him, and they engage in actor-talk for a while. The restaurant owner shyly asks if they would give him autographs for the restaurant when he comes to settle the bill, and they kindly oblige.

Joongki’s sharing a story about one scene that took him 10 takes to get right when Kyungsoo notices an all-too-familiar tall, lean boy stroll past the window. With another familiar female silhouette. Jongin and Krystal are chatting as they go down the sidewalk outside. Kyungsoo holds his breath as they approach the restaurant entrance and lets it out in relief as they keep moving past it. He can’t help but stare at their backs as they walk comfortably close, perfectly in step with one another. They pause at the corner to wait for the crosswalk light to change green. While they’re waiting, they turn to face each other, and Kyungsoo can see Jongin’s face and Krystal’s back. The dancer seems to ask a question before taking off his jacket and wrapping it around the girl. He zips Krystal into it and tugs on the hoodie cords, cinching them tightly and beaming widely at her.

The crosswalk light turns green, and the two hustle across the street and out of sight, but Kyungsoo is still frozen, eyes fixed on where they’d stood moments ago. Where he’d seen Jongin flash one of his brightest smiles directed at Krystal. His heart constricts as considers how natural they look together. Suddenly, he hears Joongki trying to get his attention.

“I’m boring you at this point, aren’t I?”

“Wha- no, I’m so sorry. I just got distracted with something outside,” Kyungsoo tries to state calmly.

“No problem. I’ve got to go, actually – didn’t realize it was almost 10pm. Bottoms up?” Joongki proposes, referring to the final halves of their bottles. They drink them down and say farewell. As he watches the actor ride off in a cab, Kyungsoo stands on the curb with his hands in his pockets. The visions of Jongin and Krystal return to him. Are they just hanging out? He knows from experience that they go to meals on their own from time to time… but why did this seem different? Something about the way they moved together, her wearing his coat, Jongin’s smile… _‘Oh God, it’s happening isn’t it? She’s making her move and he’s all for it.’_ Distressed, Kyungsoo’s first instinct is to run after them blindly and interrupt their date. _‘Don’t be stupid. How pathetic would that look? Not to mention… isn’t this what you wanted for him?’_ He gulps down the lump in his throat as he contemplates this. He’s torn, but no longer facing the direction the couple took. Instead, he considers two options: go home to wallow and wait to see when ( _‘if’_ ) Jongin comes back to help draw conclusions about their outing, or go out and get wasted to forget his problems. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s already tipsy, but the latter sounds more appealing than waiting up alone for terrible news. He pulls out his phone and dials his friend’s number. “Insungie-hyung, where are you?”

\----------------------------------------

For their second date, Jongin takes Krystal back to the restaurant they visited the first time, and they decide to go to noreabang afterward. On the stroll from one place to the other, Jongin notices her shivering and bundles her up in his jacket despite her insistence that she’s fine.

“Okay, but I don’t need the hood. It’ll mess up my impeccable hair,” she deadpans.

In a playful response, he not only puts up the hood but yanks the cords tight just to annoy her, giving a teasing smile.

“Hey, you brat!” she squeaks with a cute huff, and he grins broadly at his success in making her flustered. Before she can retaliate in some way, the light changes color and Jongin ushers them across.

Noreabang is a good time. They decide to sing a bunch of Taemin’s solo songs, imitating their friend in unflattering ways and drawing giggles from each other in the process. They call up the boy and leave him an obnoxious message when he doesn’t answer, Krystal wailing his song while Jongin shakes a tambourine in the background before shouting at him to make happier music.

After an hour of fun, they head back to Jongin’s car and then Krystal’s dorm. The atmosphere is tense when he turns off the car in the garage, pressure for what comes next being unusually high given how their first date ended. Jongin’s not sure what her expectations are. He doesn’t turn to look at her at first, trying to sort through his thoughts.

Krystal puts a hand on his arm. “I’m rushing you, aren’t I?” she asks, concerned.

“I – no. Well… maybe a little. But it’s not your fault, I’ve been the one asking you out,” he quickly amends, still not meeting her gaze. They sit for awhile like this.

Krystal is intuitive, but seems to debate with herself, chewing on her bottom lip before voicing a question. “Nini, how long were you two together?”

“Hard to say,” he lies truthfully. She hums, accepting the answer for what it is. Perhaps it makes perfect sense to her, given what she knows, that they wouldn’t have had a clear start date.

“Look, we don’t have to do this. If you’re not sure, if you’re not ready, let’s just keep hanging out like usual. With friends.” Krystal gives a brave smile, meaning the words she’s saying but there’s obviously an undertone of hurt that Jongin picks up on, knowing the girl so well. He takes her left hand in his and plays with her fingers lightly. There’s a long silence as he studies her expression, the softness of her eyes and the determination in her jaw in trying to be supportive.

She takes a deep breath before she speaks again. “It’s okay to take a step back if you need to. I’m not going anywhere… I love you, Jongin. I have for a long time.”

Her words hang in the air, and not knowing how else to respond, Jongin ends up replying in the form of a firm kiss. He doesn’t understand how he could be so lucky to have someone care so much for him so openly. He can’t in good faith return those three words; he doesn’t love her, not like that. Not yet, anyway. But he’s so overwhelmed with affection that he can’t in good conscience sit there and do nothing. The kiss is a little more insistent than their first, lips detaching and reattaching a few times, both partners seemingly less shy this time around, but in its core it’s still the same. Secure, comfortable. Jongin can feel himself fall into it a little more… but there’s still no fireworks.

When the boy withdraws, he watches their interlaced hands as he speaks honestly. “I don’t think I deserve you, and maybe this is a terrible time to say it after kissing you again, but I honestly don’t know if I’m ready or not, to try to return your feelings in that same way.”

She pets his hair. “Alright. I didn’t expect you to, you know. But I wanted you to know how I feel. Because I don’t want you to have to question it.”

“Stop saying all the right things,” he says under his breath, but she hears him and laughs lightly.

“I am cheating a bit; 10 years of friendships kinda gives me a head start in knowing what you want and need.” She’s acting blithe, shooting him a little wink, but there’s an undeniable depth of feeling in her words. “Just let me when you figure out what you want to do next. And Jongin? I’m always here for you. Text me anytime,” she affirms as she gets out of the car.

.

.

.

Jongin gets home a little after 11pm and settles into bed. There’s too much on his mind, and he just wants to sleep. Apparently, many of the other guys are also dead tired tonight, so he’s not even the first to pass out in his room.

He wakes up to voices coming from the common room outside his bedroom door, followed by a loud crash. Bleary-eyed, he checks the clock. It’s 2:15am. He can only think of one person who usually comes in at this time, and before he can think better of it, his feet are moving on their own, dragging him out to the dark hallway.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay?” he hears an unfamiliar male voice whisper, followed by giddy laughter that he knows all too well. The sound has Jongin scrambling for the light switch.

The harsh fluorescent light snaps on and reveals Kyungsoo on the ground, giggling for all he’s worth, while Jo Insung is poised over top of him, hands on either side of the singer’s head. A lamp is on the floor next to them, explaining the sudden thud. Jongin flushes hot with inexplicable rage and demands, “What’s going on?”

“Soo-ah, one of your friends is here,” Insung slurs, patting the still cackling boy on the shoulder before hoisting him up by his middle and spinning him around to face Jongin. Kyungsoo stumbles a bit and leans back on the tall actor for support, who keeps his arms tucked around him, one under the boy’s arms and one across his waist, like he’s carrying a puppy, and things start to make a little more sense to the dancer.

“You’re drunk,” he states flatly. The singer is drunker than he’s ever seen him before, to be exact.

“Yuuuuup,” Kyungsoo drawls with a pop at the end, a loopy half smirk on his face. The boy turns his head upward to the man holding him upright. “Insungie, this is is my Jongin. He’s my best— well he was my best friend. We don’t really talk anymore,” he slurs with a pout.

“Nice ‘o meet you,” Insung says with a half wave in Jongin’s direction. “We were out at a club, and I didn’t think he could get back by himself…” the actor starts explaining but loses his train of thought, squinting his eyes and trying to refocus.

Jongin is getting more agitated by the second, feeling his chest heave faster and faster. Kyungsoo’s eyes slowly focus back on him, taking in the dancer clad in just boxer shorts and no shirt.

“You’re home already. Is she here, too?” the older boy mumbles with a weird edge to his voice.

“What? Who?” Jongin doesn’t understand right away.

“Oh you know who,” the singer says with a quirked eyebrow. “And you’re still unclothed. Was she a good lay?” he slurs, ending with a mirthless laugh as his head droops down toward the floor.

The accusation hits him right in the chest. “I’m dressed like this because I was sleeping, idiot. And how dare you talk about her like that.” He can’t help the anger rising in his voice and his protective instinct towards a girl who has been nothing but kind and doesn’t deserve such crass treatment. “I haven’t… and even if I did, you have no right to…” Kyungsoo looks back up at him with an indecipherable expression. Jongin reels himself back, very aware that Insung is there so they can’t speak candidly. “You know what, I’m not having this conversation with you right now.” He turns his attention to Insung, glaring at the responsible party. “Why’s he so drunk? He never drinks to excess like this. You should have been watching out for him more carefully,” he accuses.

Insung leans down and whispers at the singer, “Your friend seems pretty mad at me right now, Soo-ah. I don’t know my way around your dorm. Let’s just go back to my place. I can take better care of you there, and I’m not sure it’s safe to leave you here with–“

“You’re not taking him **anywhere.”** Jongin takes a step forward and squares his shoulders, showing the actor he means business. He’s absolutely livid right now, balling his fists to hold back.

Kyungsoo chuckles in a wooden way again before turning around in the actor’s arms. “Don’t mind him, Insungie. Jongin just gets jealous at the stupidest things.” He leans in and murmurs something into the actor’s ear that the younger boy can’t catch. ( _‘Like he’d ever need to be jealous of anyone, the pabo.’_ ) Kyungsoo snorts humorlessly and says, “Watch this,” as if to prove a point. The shorter boy grabs Insung with both hands on his neck and pulls him down to plant a hard kiss on his cheek, surprising the actor. The singer turns and looks right at Jongin afterward, expectantly with a challenging smirk on his face.

And Jongin thought his heart couldn’t break any further. He knows he should dismiss Kyungsoo’s actions as drunken antics, but this… being toyed with... is too much. It’s like he’s being ridiculed by the older for how much he cares. Like the singer is banking on him not having moved on even though Kyungsoo obviously has. This intense hurt dominates all of his other feelings, washing away his anger and jealousy in the undertow of his pain, sucking the life out of Jongin. He drops his eyes to the floor, almost wishing it’d open up and swallow him whole, but he steadies himself. As much as he wants to run away with his pain, he finds he can’t, he won’t turn his back on the boy who still owns his crushed heart. Not when his hyung currently needs his help.

Unable to bear looking at Kyungsoo right now, he turns to Insung, no more bite in his voice. “He’s probably got schedules in the morning. Leave him here. I’ll take care of him.” Through his emotional exhaustion, his words come out barely above a whisper. The actor contemplates the proposition and decides Jongin is calm and sincere enough that he hands the singer over to him. The younger boy catches him, chest to chest, and loops his arms around the Kyungsoo’s back as he realizes the elder isn’t using his legs hardly at all in his current state.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Soo-ah. Get some rest.” The actor ruffles Kyungsoo’s hair before stepping back and bidding the dancer farewell with a nod of the head.

Jongin sighs and makes his way toward the elder’s room. As if on instinct, Kyungsoo had wrapped his arms around the taller’s neck the moment he’d been transferred to him, and carrying the singer to his bed is basically torture for Jongin.  Kyungsoo’s nuzzling into his neck, his warm breath wafting over the dancer’s naked chest, and a satisfied hum emerges from the singer’s lips. Jongin gently lays him down on the bed and detaches his arms from around his neck, with surprising difficulty as the inebriated boy has an unusual amount of strength in his hands. One such hand grabs at his wrist when he stands to leave the room.

“I’m going to get you water and meds,” he informs him. Kyungsoo whines in response, confusing the younger. “I’ll… I’ll be right back.” The reassurance placates him enough that he loosens his grip on the boy, fingers trailing down his hand in the process. Jongin’s skin still prickles from the touch as he searches through the cabinets in the bathroom to find some aspirin and gets two bottles of water from the fridge.

Kyungsoo is still laying on his back on his bed, watching him closely as he returns to the room. “You’re so pretty,” he slurs with a stupid grin on his face.

Jongin is in no mood to put up with Kyungsoo’s inconsistencies and ignores the comment. He focuses on removing the singer’s shoes and coat, placing them neatly in their proper place in the wardrobe where he knows the boy would want them. Next, he helps Kyungsoo sit up and drink some water without spilling it all over himself. After he gets about half of a bottle into him and a single aspirin, he recaps the supplies and eases the singer to lay back down. In the process, though, Kyungsoo grabs the younger’s shoulders and pulls Jongin onto the bed, too, half on top of him. Jongin straightens his arms out, hands on either side of Kyungsoo’s head, catching himself and trying to prevent crushing the smaller.

“It feels so good… to see you care again,” the singer says with that uncontrollable honesty that happens while drunk. He strokes the dancer’s fringe back out of his face and then tugs him by the back of the neck until his face is closer, uncomfortably close for Jongin’s taste who has now dropped onto his forearms. He gulps and avoids eye contact as Kyungsoo scruntinizes him from only a few centimeters distance away. “You never seem to care anymore.”

The melancholy note in his voice causes Jongin to look back at him. The sad eyes Kyungsoo is giving him cause conflicting emotions to flare up: longing to kiss away the sorrow, and frustration over the elder’s selfish desire to still be wanted even though he doesn’t feel anything for the younger anymore. Jongin feels the need to remind him, with a light huff, “You pushed _me_ away, remember?”

Kyungsoo’s brow furrows, and he frowns before nodding in remembrance. “That’s right,” he replies, releasing Jongin’s neck. His fingertips glide over the dancer’s collarbones and down his pecs before dropping to the bed. He sinks down into his mattress and rolls away from Jongin, curling into himself like he’s going into a protective shell. As Kyungsoo buries the side of his face into his pillow, he slurs: “Too much to lose. Not worth it.”

Jongin scrambles backward and out the door as fast as he can, not able to take anymore honest, hurtful words. Part of him had hoped that Kyungsoo had only told him he wasn’t worth it to end that terrible conversation on the roof, to avoid the pain from continuing to drag on, but now it’s clear. Kyungsoo really meant it. Tears streaming, he runs to the bathroom to privately fall apart.

What he doesn’t hear as he closes Kyungsoo’s bedroom door behind him is the boy’s muttering before he drifts off to sleep. “You have too much to lose, Nini. I’m not worth it…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>   * The [video of Kai whispering to Suho in the opening Jakarta ment](https://youtu.be/99plzk0TO18?t=2m15s) while Soo looks less than pleased
>   * F(x) had their concerts [in Japan from Feb 20-28](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F\(x\)_concert_tours)
>   * As with the other timeline, Kyungsoo went to dinner with Jo Insung and Song Joongki [on Feb 29](http://onehallyu.com/topic/303871-song-joong-ki-jo-in-sung-and-exo-do-went-out-to-eat-together/) -see the date on the paper signatures- (hot damn, coinciding perfectly with Krystal's return). The Insung friendship is the [second cutest thing](http://rebloggy.com/post/gifs-exo-exok-kyungsoo-d-o-jo-insung-so-cute-i-cant-his-heart-shaped-smile-just/103037617800) behind Kaisoo I swear
> 

> 
> I have no idea what Joongki’s personality is like, but I hope the guys have fun bantering like this when they get together to drink irl. Note that this scene mirrors the other story line you already read: At the end of February when Soo is out with his actor squad, Kaistal is out together again... but it's a real date this time.  Soo gets drunk in this timeline like he'd gotten drunk in the previous timeline.. but reckless, honest-but-slurry, drunk Soo, whathaveyoudone.
> 
> I do hope you'll stick the story out to the very end. The Original Ending is very special to me.


	35. Forecast Unknown

A/N: Here we go... prepare yourself for April 1

Kyungsoo wakes up with a light headache and no memory of how he got into his bed. He groans as he checks the clock: 8:30am. He knows he shouldn’t have agreed to a shots contest with Kwangsoo in that club. He needs to get ready for his _Pure Love_ promos in a few hours. He gathers his stuff and heads to the shower, trying to shrug off the uncomfortable realization that he blacked out at the end of the evening. His phone buzzes.

 **Insung**  
Hope your hangover isn’t too bad.

He stops for a moment, puzzling over the discrepancy between his lack of memory yet his relatively painless hangover. _‘Hmm, maybe Insung-hyung made sure I hydrated and all that before the end of the night._ ’ He hazily remembers trying to walk out of the club and Insung preventing him from falling over. The actor must have taken him home; he smiles to himself, thankful for his thoughtful hyung.

Jongdae sees him on the way into the bathroom. “Good morning. Whoa, that hair. You look like you had a wild night,” his fellow singer whistles. Kyungsoo huffs at him before pushing past and getting under the showerhead’s stream of hot water. He winces as he washes, noticing a deep black and blue bruise on his right shoulder that he can’t explain. Unsettled, he checks himself over for any other injuries and thankfully only finds one other small mark on his knee. Maybe he fell? Kyungsoo is uneasy: this is why he doesn’t normally drink a lot. He hates the loss of control over his usual careful behavior. Why’d he decide to go overboard last night? He can’t even remember. When he gets out, he notices more texts from Insung flashing at him on his phone.

 **Insung**  
Jongin seemed rather concerned for you.  
Sorry we didn’t take into account your tolerance last night.  
Apologize to him for me, he scolded me pretty badly, haha.

Kyungsoo’s stomach drops. He scans his memories for Jongin’s face, any conversations had between the three of them, but doesn’t recall anything. Oh no, did he make a fool of himself? And what’s with Jongin chastising Insung, his senior by more than a decade? He’s on edge as he heads out to the kitchen.

Just his luck, said boy is there eating some breakfast while Jongdae is brewing coffee on the other side of the kitchen. Jongin lifts his gaze from his meal and gives him a wary look before dropping his eyes back down to his food.

“Did I… say anything to you last night?”

“You said a lot of things. Most of them, I’ve heard before. Though you went out of your way to be rude to other people, too,” Jongin’s voice is flat.

Kyungsoo’s not sure what to make of that cryptic response and is nervous to probe deeper, so he focuses on the scene he really can’t imagine. “Rude? I’m sorry, I don’t remember… speaking of rude, why’d you scold Insung-hyung?”

Frustrated, Jongin throws his chopsticks in his bowl and gets up to take his dishes to the sink. “Because he was irresponsible. And so were you, last night. You should be more selective with who you hang out with,” he snarls.

Kyungsoo feels himself heating up with rage. He’s been so lonely without Jongin and rooming by himself, but he can’t even have friends now? He’s got poor taste in them? “Hey, don’t talk about him like he’s a bad guy. Yeah, I had a little too much to drink last night, but that was on me. He brought me home safe, right? Insung-hyung has always been very good to me.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he has,” Jongin says sarcastically, under his breath. A moment after the words have left his mouth, the dancer winces like he’s internally slapping himself.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at the vulgar implication, and he scoffs in disbelief. “What, are you jealous?”

The next exchanges overlap, as both boys are talking over each other, at the end of their ropes and refusing to listen:

“Is that why you were a brat to him? Don’t be ridiculous, Jongin. That’s a terrible reason to be mad at him, he’s got a girlf—“   
“No! But sure, play that card again and get mad at me. Nevermind that he allowed you to get hurt in the foyer—“

“OKAY, that’s enough you two!” Jongdae yells over their bickering. His interruption startles both of them, clearly having forgotten they had an audience. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on lately, but get your shit together and either talk things through like grown men or just go back to avoiding each other for a while before you circle back, which you know you will because you can’t help yourselves.” He’s looking at Jongin, but Kyungsoo knows he means to be addressing them both. The younger seems to take it personally, though, retreating insecurely. Jongdae turns his head to Kyungsoo and says more pleadingly, “Come on, you’re best friends, right?”

Unable to keep eye contact with Jongdae, Kyungsoo drops his gaze to the floor by Jongin’s feet. He clenches his fists at his sides as he scowls over the term: “best friends” – it’s so much more than they are right now… and yet even that wouldn't be nearly enough for him. (His heart brushes aside the label and reaches past it on an imaginary shelf, trying to grab the “lovers” one before he mentally slaps it away. Dammit.) Brow still furrowed, his flits his eyes up to sneak a peek at Jongin. The younger is pursing his lips, staring back at him and taking in his facial expression and hands still balled up by his sides. The cold divide between them is suffocating.

It’s hard to say who turns and walks away first, but both boys leave the kitchen for their respective rooms without another word. On the walk there, Kyungsoo hears Chanyeol emerge out of another bedroom, followed by a light thwap. “Hey, what was that for?” Jongdae protests.

“Mind your own business and stay out of theirs,” the giant warns. “They’ll work things out, they always do.”

Kyungsoo sighs at his old roommate’s assessment. Oh how he wishes that were true this time.

\-------------------------------------

Between the harsh drunken words in the wee hours of the night, the fight this morning where Soo was so quick to take sides with his precious ‘Insungie-hyung,’ and Jongdae’s incisive accusation as to how pathetically needy Jongin is, the dancer is done. He can’t let himself linger and pine anymore; it only leads to more pain. With trembling hands, he picks up his phone and texts Krystal.

 **Jongin**  
I can’t promise I’ll be good at this.  
I don’t think I will, honestly, for a while.  
But I want to try. You have been my comfort and joy in tough times.  
Thank you for being my safe haven. I want to be that for you, too.  
I’ve loved you as a friend for years.  
I’m ready to try and love you as more than that, if you can be patient with me.  
  
**Krystal**  
For you, I can have all the patience in the world.  
Does this mean I can tell Amber you’re my boyfriend?

 _‘She already wants to tell someone,’_ he thinks with a pained smile, as he swallows the lump in his throat, mind already drawing an unwanted comparison…

 **Jongin**  
You might want to wait a week or two to make sure you don’t regret it. Ha.  
But yes, you can tell her.  
Oh God, we’re going to need to tell Taemin. He’s going to be insufferable.

 **Krystal**  
LOL, you’re right. He will be.  
We can wait a little on telling him. ;)  
  
**Jongin**  
I probably won’t tell anyone in EXO just yet.  
I need to tell my manager first, seeing as how I got in trouble last time for not doing so?

It’s an excuse, but a convincing one.

 **Krystal**  
I know things are more complicated over there.  
Whatever you need to do :)

.

.

.

What Jongin needs to do is get away from Kyungsoo, since he feels like a powder keg every time he’s around the elder, always on edge waiting for the singer to let slip something else that’ll hurt or anger him. A few days later, Kyungsoo does bother to apologize for their argument in the kitchen. Jongin keeps their conversation to a minimum, not daring to get into the details and simply replying, “It’s fine.” This exchange happens under the scrutinizing eyes of Jongdae who is pretending to be engrossed in a magazine (unconvincingly). Jongin shares a look with Kyungsoo, and it’s clear they have a mutual understanding they should be more aware of their behaviors around the other members.

A few weeks pass fairly uneventfully, aside from Jongin injuring himself again. This means more attention and assistance from D.O on stage, which Kai accepts awkwardly. Jongin starts wondering when and how he’s going to tell him about Krystal… but he hasn’t even seen the girl since they texted to make it official, so for some reason, it doesn’t feel totally real yet. Also, Kyungsoo’s harsh words resound in his head, _‘was she a good lay?’_ and it makes him furious all over again. Jongin avoids thinking about it. _‘Besides, he already knows apparently, since according to him, you’re already sleeping together,’_ an angry voice excuses.

Another issue that’s not helping matters is how often Kyungsoo seems to be talking to Insung these days. Why should Jongin have to tell the older about his new relationship if the other boy isn’t going to bother sharing about whatever he has going on? (Late at night, he battles the voice in his head that reasons _‘you should talk,’_ reminding it that each time they do, things only seem to get worse.)

EXO finally has some free time after the Exo’luxion tour has completely ended. Because f(x) is still busy, though, Jongin only has a chance to see Krystal one other time for a very brief outing at the mall during the day; it felt like a typical friend meetup given that they wouldn’t dare to even hold hands in broad daylight. The members are scattered, taking much deserved breaks with family or friends. Jongin is relaxing in the quiet of the dorm, playing a mindless game on his phone, when Jaehyuk comes in, surprised to so easily find him. “Hey, Jongin. Just so you know, there are rumors going around that you and Krystal are dating. Something about you two having a cat?”

“Well, it’s her cat not mine, but yeah,” he says without looking up from his phone.

Jaehyuk’s eyes bulge out of their sockets. “What do you mean, ‘yeah?’”

“I’ve meant to tell you but just hadn’t gotten around to it. We started dating a little while ago. So if stuff comes out, go ahead and confirm it,” he says nonchalantly, knowing Krystal’s already on board.

The manager is rendered speechless for several seconds, taking in the news. Jongin braces for a reprimand or snide comment, but when Jaehyuk finally comes up with words, they confuse him. “Have you told Kyungsoo about this?”

 _‘What.’_ Jongin’s head snaps up. He realizes that Jaehyuk might be under some delusion that they’d continued seeing each other no matter how impossible that had become, but this doesn’t really make sense. If Kyungsoo had been so adamant that they couldn’t be together because of their jobs, why the hell hadn’t he told Jaehyuk right away when they broke up? Irritated and not sure what to think about this, Jongin tosses his phone down and gives the manager his full attention. “No, I haven’t told him. We haven’t been together since way back in January. All that distance that was demanded? It happened, as ordered by you and the VP. Kyungsoo’s a very _diligent_ employee, in case you didn’t know,” he says while trying to control the hostility in his voice.

“Jongin, you need to tell him before this goes public.” Jaehyuk gives him a serious, concerned look.

“Why? He won’t care.” Well, that’s not entirely true. “Scratch that; he _might_ care, but not like you’re thinking. He was the one who called it off with me, if that wasn’t clear from my previous statement. I’m apparently less dedicated to my job than he is.” The resentment is increasingly apparent as he keeps talking.

“Just… do it, okay?” the manager requests. Jongin knows he’s right; he’s known he ought to talk to him for a few days now, the voice of reason getting stronger each night as he stares at the ceiling while trying to fall asleep. But he’s not sure how to have this discussion without it being completely awful for both of them. _‘So, about Krystal, the person you were always jealous of? Yeah, we’re dating now.’_ Ugh, it’s going to sound like he’s out for revenge, no matter how he phrases it, isn’t he? His relationship with the Krystal might not be totally free of motives beyond liking the girl, but revenge is definitely NOT one of the reasons they got together. He checks the calendar: March 31. Everyone will be back tomorrow in time for their Lotte World event. He’ll figure out how to tell him then…

 

Too late.

 

Jaehyuk drags him out of the dorm at 8:00am with a stoic face. “Dispatch called this morning. They’ve got pics of you and Krystal. The VP wants to talk to you.” Jongin’s panic must be clear as day because the manager quickly follows it up with a flat, “Don’t worry: I think he’s actually _happy_ with you.” Jaehyuk sounds disgruntled at this, which confuses Jongin further but he follows the man to the van in silence.

\--------------------------------------------

Kyungsoo returns to the dorm after spending several days at home with family. It was a nice respite, seeing his mom. He walks into the common room expecting the usual buzzing of his members getting reacquainted with each other, but the room is quiet as everyone stares at the news blaring from the television.

“…Again, if you’re just now tuning in, earlier this hour, Dispatch released photographs proving that EXO’s Kai and f(x)’s Krystal are in a relationship and have been since early this year! An insider shares more details with us, after the break.” Photos of the pair together, dressed identically in couples clothing, flash across the screen.

“Holy shit – really? Maybe they’re just misinterpreting their friendship?” Sehun suggests.

“Unlikely. The timeline could be off a bit, but Dispatch talks to SM execs first, before releasing a statement and photos like that. Based on my experience, anyway,” Baekhyun says drolly. “And where’s Jongin right now?”

“…Jaehyuk took him into headquarters a few hours ago,” Junmyeon says from the sofa.

The news correspondent is back. “In a shockingly fast response, we’ve just got word that SM Entertainment has _confirmed_ the claims released this morning by Dispatch: EXO’s Kai and f(x)’s Krystal are indeed in a relationship. The couple has been friends for years, since back in their trainee days, but those friendly feelings have turned romantic since the start of this year.”

Kyungsoo throws his shoes in the rack with more vigor than necessary, accidentally drawing everyone’s attention to him in the foyer.

“Kyungsoo, did you know?” asks Minseok. It’s an innocent question. Of course they’d expect him to know. After all, Chanyeol had known about Baek and Taeyeon even though the rest hadn’t.

“No,” he says shortly. He then crosses the living space and goes into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Hard. It rattles and the sound echos through the silent dorm. Before he can even fall apart, Chanyeol’s in the room and closing the door quietly behind him, with the softest expression on his face.

There’s no way for Kyungsoo to deny the typhoon of emotions inside – he doesn’t have the willpower. “He never told me. He never told me, Yeol,” he bursts into tears, unable to hold them back.

The giant throws his arms around him. “I’m sorry. None of us knew,” he tries to console.

“But he was my b—“ he chokes back his words and tries to keep at least some things to himself. “We were best friends. But we haven’t been now for a while, and this is the boldest reminder. And… it just _hurts_ _so much_ ,” Kyungsoo wails the final words. Chanyeol doesn’t say anything more, just holds him closer while sympathetically petting his hair.

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Several hours later, they’re at Lotte World for their Secret Night event. Kyungsoo still feels puffy from all the crying in his room. His makeup artist fusses over him. “Allergies are getting to you badly, huh? Spring and all the pollen – it’s messing with me, too,” she says kindly while applying the concealer under his eyes. She tries an overall face mister to reduce the general swelling but to no avail. “You still look gorgeous, don’t worry. We’ll make you glow, okay?” Kyungsoo forces a smile.

The rest of EXO is all ready for the stage, but Jongin still hasn’t arrived. A junior manager reassures them that Jaehyuk is en route with the dancer and they’ll be here any moment. With no time to spare, the manager hustles in with Jongin, wardrobe and makeup already complete. There’s a beginning of a hubbub, as several members gather to get the inside scoop, but Jaehyuk waves them all off. “Later! It’s showtime. Get up there.” Kyungsoo watches from off to the side as they grumble and fall in line. Before following them, he catches Jaehyuk giving him a melancholy look, but he breaks the eye contact immediately.

He swallows and prepares to be D.O for the next few hours, lining up in his usual place between Chanyeol and Kai. While the crowd cheers in anticipation for EXO, he stares at the dancer’s back. He feels Jongin look down at him, but can’t bear to meet his eyes, unsure of what he’ll see. “Hyung…” he hears the younger whisper, but then they’re being summoned on stage.

As they take their seats for introductions, Kyungsoo is suddenly overcome with fear. Everyone here knows about Kai and Krystal, and for the first time, he considers feelings other than his own toward the announcement. _‘What if the fans react poorly? Oh no, what if they boo him?’_ He feels protective instincts kicking in and scans the audience with heightened suspicion. As Kai starts his greeting, he gauges the crowd’s reaction, monitoring for any rude behavior like inappropriate signs or fans throwing things onto the stage. When Kai is met with nothing but cheers, showing that his fears are unfounded, he feels the briefest moment of relief before the pain sinks in. They approve. They approve of Krystal… like they never would have of him.

This harsh dose of reality has him almost hyperventilating. Oh God, it hurts.

Kai never speaks for long, and it’s already D.O’s turn to greet the crowd. He does so as quickly as possible without being rude, but even so, he feels the tears threatening to spill over and has to stop and grin to hold them in toward the end of his greeting. _‘Don’t think about it. You’re here for the fans right now. Worry about it later,’_ he tries to reason with himself.

It’s no use. He’s emotional the whole night. During “Call Me Baby” and “Love Me Right,” he tries to just channel it into singing passionately. But by the time they’re on “Sing For You,” he feels himself coming unglued.

 _“Picking up my old guitar,_  
_The confession that I couldn’t make…”_

Kyungsoo looks upward, toward the inky sky with barely a trace of a waning quarter moon to give off light. At the same time, he can sense worried looks coming from the tanned boy to his left. He feels his eyes start to glisten again with tears, but he knows it’ll be suicide to release them here. He swallows them back as their latest title song spells out the regrets in his heart, almost missing his cue he’s so lost in Baek’s chorus lines leading to his.

Baekhyun: _“The way you cry, the way you smile_  
_Do you know how much you mean to me?_  
_The words that I regretted when I looked back,”_

Kyungsoo: _“I'll apologize but just listen,_  
_I will sing for you, sing for you…_

 _The way you cry, the way you smile_  
_Do you know how much you mean to me?_  
_The words I want to say, but missed the chance”_

Mercifully, as the song ends so does the evening. They bid farewell to the fans and exit the stage. The singer strips himself of the sound equipment and makes a beeline into the bathroom, letting the door swing closed behind him, but a hand grabs his wrist before he can disappear into a stall.

“Kyungsoo-hyung.”

He freezes at the voice, so familiar and yet not, with the hint of formality perfectly representing the gaping distance between them that his heart says doesn’t belong there. Sucking in a deep breath, he turns around. There’s no escaping this. Whether he’s ready or not, Jongin stands before him.

With a heartbreakingly sad face, the younger takes in his countenance, the singer’s cheeks wet with tears already. Jongin sucks in a quiet gasp at the sight. “I’m sorry, Soo. I should have told you first.” His sincerity is evident in how low and shaky his voice is. The dancer reaches out and cups Kyungsoo’s face, slowly sweeping away the tears with his thumb. Kyungsoo looks into the taller’s eyes and sees his tears mirrored in them. Time stops for a moment as they’re suspended in shared misery.

Jongin pulls him into his chest and their bodies mold around each other like it’s the most natural thing in the world. They hold each other in silence. Kyungsoo still hasn’t found his voice, so it’s the younger who speaks first. “I don’t have anything any good excuses. But a part of me… a part of me worried it’d be presumptuous to make a big deal out of telling you, like it’d be rude to assume that you’d care. I really didn’t… I didn’t know that it’d affect you like this… I’m sorry. I know how it might look, it being her of all people, but you know I’m not doing this to try to hurt you, right?” After a beat of quiet, he re-emphasizes like it’s a secret he can’t keep to himself, “I’d never want to hurt you…”

Kyungsoo reigns in the sob threatening to burst out at what feels like a tender confession. If only that relationship was all a ruse to provoke him, a childish act of revenge… he wishes it were. But he has seen them with his own eyes many times, the way they smiled at each other, the way they moved in perfect sync: there was definitely a special connection there. Dating her wasn’t an act of rebellion; it was a natural progression from a seed that had been planted there all along. The singer keeps his ear pressed against the boy’s chest as he responds. “I know.” Kyungsoo stays there, burrowed in the dancer’s warmth, listening to his heart beat’s rapid but steady rhythm. It’s the most beautiful music to Kyungsoo’s ears, and he wishes he could record it now, as a memento he could play back over and over again during the long sleepless nights.

He tips his head up to look at the taller boy. Jongin meets his gaze, and they’re so close. Kyungsoo can feel their breaths intermingling and his eyes wander over the younger’s gorgeous features that are near like they haven’t been in months. The boy seems to be doing the same, drinking in his presence and finally settling eyes on his heart-shaped lips. If there was ever a time to reverse course and try to win Jongin back, now was it. Kyungsoo finds his heart teetering on the ledge, ready to fall into the bliss that is Jongin. To press forward, cross the gap of all the unspoken confessions, and claim him for his own again…

But no. No, he can’t be that selfish. Kyungsoo had brought this on them, choosing the path he had in order to protect the younger boy. Maybe it could have been different if he’d been more open about his feelings a year ago, or told him about the VP’s threats a few months back… but to bring things up now, after the boy had actually moved on? At the end of the day, this is what he wanted for Jongin. Wasn’t it? To have a shot at loving openly like was natural for the dancer, to have things that Kyungsoo couldn’t give him – not now, and probably not ever, no matter how much he wanted to. Digging deep, he pulls himself out of the intoxicating atmosphere of being mere centimeters away from touching lips with him and moves them to speak instead. “I’m happy for you. I am. And you know I think Krystal’s great. This is all for the best, I really do believe that.” He feels Jongin’s breath hitch as he plows forward to explain away his current behavior, and his streaming tears, which seem to contradict this. “It’s always difficult the first time you see your ex with someone new, no matter the circumstances, you know? That’s all this is.” He disentangles himself from Jongin’s arms and forces his feet to step away. “I’m fine. Really.” He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes, commanding them to stop leaking, and straightens up.

Jongin looks unconvinced and starts to reach out for him again. “Don’t.” Kyungsoo says, back in control of himself. “We don’t need anyone looking at us suspiciously, especially not right after your announcement. Don’t follow me, please.” He tries to speak with finality even if inside he wants the opposite of what he’s saying.

Jongin’s mouth draws into a tight line. “Fine. Your call. It’s always been your call,” he scoffs as he turns away and rests his back against the wall. Kyungsoo knows he deserves that and doesn’t respond. “How long do you want me to wait in here after you’re gone?” He crosses his arms, irritated but willing to comply.

“Just a minute… thanks. And good luck with Krystal,” Kyungsoo gulps. He fixes his jacket and composes himself the best he can before walking out.

He strides to the dressing room, quietly getting changed into his casual clothes. Chanyeol approaches him but Kyungsoo’s in no mood to talk with the giant. “I’m going to go grab some fresh air,” he announces, waving him off. Just then, Jongin enters, resulting in raucous outbursts in the room. Junmyeon’s the first to grab the dancer and start in with congratulations. Baekhyun loudly exclaims, “Falling in love with your best friend, lucky bastard!” The words cut deep, deeper than his heart and right into Kyungsoo’s soul. _‘That was us. It should have been us…’_ He feels Jongin’s stare burning into the side of his face and he can’t cope with the words, the looks, the noise, quickly slipping out the back door.

It dumps him out behind the scenes of Lotte World, with shabby storage of abandoned rides that have broken down and been dismantled. Kyungsoo strides through the back lot along a winding road. Several medians in the road have overgrown grass that is trying in vain to return to the fullness of the wild, untouched forest beyond the park’s fenced borders. One median in the distance, though, is bare; away from the shade of the buildings, the grass is scorched from too much direct sunlight and is mostly dirt patches. He sits down on the median’s curb and starts tracing mindless patterns in the dirt next to him with a stick. Every doodle starts to look like Jongin, though: spirals reminding him of the younger’s hair styled up in curls, straight lines reminiscent of the elegant line of the boy’s spine when Kyungsoo would massage his injured back, wavy patterns bringing to mind how fluidly the dancer moves to music… He gives up and throws the stick over the fence into the woods. Kyungsoo drops his head down between his knees.

“Hey,” a voice startles him along with a warm hand on his back. He looks up to see Jaehyuk settling down next to him. “Are you going to be okay?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t bother to lie. With Jaehyuk, at least he doesn’t have to. He shrugs, watching the strong wind blow through the trees, bending but not breaking them. They sit side by side for a while, listening to the quiet night sounds and wind whistling in their ears.

Jaehyuk looks at him mournfully. “I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I feel like I started this. I know I pushed you all those years ago to start doing skinship with him for fans. I never… I never would have guessed it would have led to this.”

Turning his face to the night sky, the singer takes in a deep breath, releasing it along with a few more tears as he blinks. Kyungsoo shakes his head and gives Jaehyuk a sad smile in reassurance. “You didn’t start this. Jongin did… pre-debut in a practice room… the first time he ever smiled at me.”

Silence takes over again after his revelation. Kyungsoo's feelings towards the dancer may have waxed and waned some in the early days, but the first fire was kindled all those years ago when he’d run across Jongin’s beaming face while trying to learn all EXO member’s names. And that light had never been extinguished even with all the ups and downs they’d shared; maybe it never would.

In the end, Kyungsoo is grateful for Jaehyuk, that at least he had one person with whom he was able to be honest, one other soul who could bear witness to the love he had for Jongin. With nothing more to say, he stands and dusts off his shorts with his hands. As much as he tries, he can’t quite get rid of all the traces of dirt, though. It’s still clinging in small, hidden places like the creases of his clothes and under his fingernails. He eventually gives up at the impossible task and turns to trek back to the building, back to EXO, back to his responsibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References for Lotte Secret Night:
> 
>   * [D.O scanning the audience while Kai talks and then gulping during his greeting at 0:25](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqUHOEZEUrI) and almost crying (you will not convince me otherwise on these two points, my heart)
>   * D.O during [Sing For You - the hard swallow with tears in his eyes at 0:10](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xxvNvojg8I)... :( My poor baby Soo
>   * And just bc I'm literally that dedicated to the realism, the moon phase for that night was actually a [waning quarter moon](http://www.timeanddate.com/moon/south-korea/seoul?month=4&year=2016); truth is stranger than fiction sometimes O_O
> 

> 
> One more full chapter, an epilogue, and this story will be complete. <3 Let me know if you feel for Soo ;_;


	36. A Night With No Shadows

Be sure you're fully up to date with the last chapter before reading on...

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~~~~ 5 years later ~~~~

EXO agrees to stop releasing albums when Minseok and Junmyeon enlist, each member deciding to forge their own path and let the group disband while they are still on top. Baekhyun goes on to have a successful career in musicals and has released an OST for a top drama every year. Jongdae has a flourishing solo career and earns a permanent spot on Immortal Songs. When he’s out of the military, Junmyeon starts his own variety show with other former idols, including Minseok, where they compete in various challenges with new aspiring trainees, helping them prepare for auditions with entertainment companies. Sehun lands a lucrative modeling contract that has him doing high fashion throughout Asia. Yixing returns to China and has been incredibly busy acting and producing his own artists through his company. Chanyeol has been writing songs for a smaller entertainment company in Korea and selling some of his compositions to major Western record labels. Kyungsoo feels fortunate that his acting career has only continued to rise as he gets to play prominent roles in movies and dramas each year.

Jongin’s career shift was a bit of a surprise to Kyungsoo. He took a behind-the-scenes role in doing art and creative directing for music videos rather than staying in the limelight. Then again, he supposes it shouldn’t be that surprising given that of all of them, Jongin is the first to prioritize settling down… The wedding invitation arrived in the mail just yesterday.

The singer-turned-actor still hangs out with Chanyeol fairly frequently, and Yeol called him up to schedule dinner for this evening. After they go over the usual small talk, the giant gets serious.

“So how are you taking the engagement news?” He tries to avert his eyes and focus on his wine glass as he asks, but Kyungsoo can tell he’s checking his reaction pretty carefully in his peripheral vision.

“What do you mean, how am I taking it? I’m happy for him, I suppose. I don’t know, it’s not like we’re still friends who keep in touch. I haven’t spoken to him in years.” He points his chopsticks at the giant, letting him know he’s aware there’s an ulterior motive behind the question. “You know this.”

“Yeah… but I always had the feeling you guys had some unfinished business.” Kyungsoo starts to interrupt but Chanyeol holds up a hand to stop him. “I’m not pretending that I know what happened between you two: I’m just saying… you guys were so close, not just as Kai and D.O, not the fanservice stuff, I’m talking about YOU and JONGIN. You had a special bond, and whatever happened that shook it –and I’m not talking about Krystal, it was before that – I just never got the sense that you two had time to properly talk it out.”

Kyungsoo winces at this, because it’s both true and untrue. They had time; looking back now with the wisdom that comes with age, they had so much time. They just never did talk about it. Both were too wrapped up in their own fears. Or maybe he’s projecting. Maybe he was always the one keeping secrets or holding back while Jongin was fearless and always laying his cards on the table. _‘That actually sounds more likely,_ ’ he considers wryly.

Chanyeol continues. “Seeing as how he’s moving onto a new phase of his life, this is probably the best time to try and end on good terms. Waiting any longer to reach out would be awkward as fuck, and you know you’d never end up doing it. I’m just saying, it’d be nice to clear the air at least. Isn’t there anything you want to say?”

Kyungsoo sighs and pushes his food around his plate as he ponders this. “There’s a lot I’d want to say, but it’s been too long already, and I’m a coward. I can’t call him up and say anything.”

“Then write it down.”

“Pfff, so I can overanalyze every word and never find it adequate enough? Yeah, that sounds like a brilliant idea. Maybe I’ll finish the first paragraph by the time they’re celebrating their first anniversary,” he deadpans.

“At least write it down for YOUR sake. One of those cathartic letters that you write but don’t send. I think you need that, especially if you’re going to the wedding.”

“I’m NOT going to the wedding.” It slips out louder and more bitter than Kyungsoo would like, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem taken aback by the tone or the decision.

“You’ll need a good excuse or everyone’s going to be pointing out that all of EXO except Do Kyungsoo was in attendance.” He raises an eyebrow, challenging him.

Kyungsoo goes back to inspecting his meal as though it’s fascinating to avoid the probing gaze from the giant. “I’ll be sure to be needed on location for a film. Somewhere out of the country, preferably.”

Chanyeol chuckles. “Look at you, Mr. ‘I’m such a badass actor I can create international film opportunities on a whim’.”

Kyungsoo kicks him under the table but does so while grinning at Chanyeol. He’s a good friend, always has been.

“Seriously, Soo. Just write it out, seal it in an envelope, and toss in it the trash afterward if you want. But put it down on paper at least: Give yourself some release.”

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

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Two days later, Kyungsoo wanders into the pristine, high end kitchen of his one bedroom high-rise apartment. He pulls out a French press and prepares his late afternoon cup of coffee. While he waits for it to finish brewing, he admires the orderly kitchen and its striking black granite countertops contrasting with the beige cabinetry with dark caramel accents in the trim. He’s ditched the ‘all black, all the time’ mantra a few years back, appreciating a touch more variety in his color palletes, even if it’s mostly various shades of mocha that have been truly incorporated. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his simple, oak desk. He stares at it from the kitchen counter while he drinks his coffee, still pondering Chanyeol’s words from the other day. The empty chair calls to him, and eventually he gives in and takes a seat at the desk. His bare feet curl into the plush, sandy brown carpeting as he tenses, hesitating. Letting out a long, slow breath, he decides he owes it to himself to do this. To get it out. Purge his conscience and his heart.

He pulls out a crisp, off-white sheet of stationary, and forces himself to just let go and write without thinking, since the emotions are there and there’s no one from whom he needs to censor them if he’s throwing this away. He starts writing and doesn’t stop, words coming easily once he lets down his defenses. He doesn’t include everything, because some parts of their story just don’t seem relevant anymore. When he’s done, his eyes linger over the final words, and a single tear rolls down his cheek onto his signature, slightly smudging the ink. He doesn’t bother to wipe it away, quickly shoving the page into an envelope, licking it sealed, and then immediately tossing it into the bronze wastebin next to the desk. He eyes it for a moment longer, knowing he’ll never send it but wondering what Jongin might have thought of it… then he tears himself away to take a shower and get ready to go out to dinner. The past is the past; it’s time to finally move on.

 

 

~~~Kyungsoo’s letter~~~

Jongin,

I’ve always sucked at starting things (which is why you had to kiss me first), so this is probably going to be all over the place but here goes nothing.

First, congratulations to you and Krystal. I say that with as little bitterness as I can muster, which truth be told, means it’s still a little bitter, like the coffees we always shared. But the resentment is not your fault. I really am glad that two wonderful people I had the pleasure of knowing are able to start a great life together. And for the most part, I wouldn’t change things, because I’ve always wanted nothing but the absolute best for you. I sincerely hope you get your 3 kids and 3 dogs and house full of noise…

But I never got to tell you how happy you made me. It’s probably my biggest regret. We had so much turmoil in our relationship, especially in the final year, that I worry that maybe only the aching stands out in your memory. I hurt you, and though I had my reasons at the time, I hate that I had to lie about what you meant to me. Let me set the record straight here: You were ALWAYS more important than my career, even when I was saying the opposite or failing to show it. Damn, I was a shitty first relationship, wasn’t I?

Since I never told you before, I’m telling you now: You, Kim Jongin, made my world come alive. I had thought I’d known joy before you, but your spirit amplified everything good in my life. It was like you turned on the lights, illuminating my world with vibrant colors and making my past seem grayscale in comparison. I had no idea I could be so fulfilled, so complete, as I was when you’d look at me like I was the only one in the room. The way you supported me when I was tired, always made me feel needed and wanted (even though I slacked in reciprocating that), how you were my greatest encourager when it came to my acting potential... I treasure these memories. You always could make me feel so special.

And then the passion, the magnetic connection I felt toward you, every part of you, body and soul. Have you replayed it in your mind? Mine travels back there more often than I’d like to admit. The way your skin felt under my fingertips, the way your breath made me lose mine, the way you tasted. We had amazing chemistry, partly driven by desire, for sure, but for me at least, there was always so much more. If you ever do think of us, I hope you think of our time together fondly.

I know technically our relationship began backstage at that SMTOWN concert where you were, ironically, jealous of Krystal and I potentially hooking up. But my heart had started stirring since before debut, when we first began hanging out. Your dazzling smile took my breath away, and then with every word of encouragement, every stupid joke, every look… every practice where you overworked yourself, and every kind of offer help you extended to me… it all only made me fall faster, harder. We never did talk about it completely out in the open. If we did, I would have told you the truth:

To me, you hung the moon. Like I never had before and never have since… I fell in love.

Sincerely, whole-heartedly, I loved you, Jongin. And even as time continues to pass, my feelings remain the same because my heart can’t ever get over this one thing:

I would have loved to introduce you, properly, to my father…

~Kyungsoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The soundtrack to go with Kyungsoo’s letter, if you want to fully drown in the feels, is [this Kaisoo vid.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn1zhr-qOVE)


	37. Epilogue 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I’m afraid this is what the story demanded, so I wrote it (kinda kicking and screaming tbh). That last ch was the original ending I had in mind back when I first started writing this fic on April 2nd (yes, the day after the Kaistal announcement). Back then, I thought it’d be just a couple of chapters with Kaisoo’s feelings growing/shrinking on different times, then them getting together but not (like it always being ambiguous as per chs 7-9) and culminating in this letter of Kyungsoo’s years later where he confesses (to no one) how he really felt.
> 
> I just couldn’t bring myself to throw away these ending scenes in the back lot of Lotte World and then in Soo’s apartment with the letter. I had started working on them the first day I started writing the fic. I worked really hard on them, and I hope it shows. (*Here’s the part where I say too much as the author: I hope you didn’t mind that I put in the symbolism of the dusty median vs the grassy ones. The medians are supposed to represent how SM/the entertainment industry puts hard boundaries on their idols; some still thrive under the circumstances while others (aka Soo) end up getting scorched, in his case because of how brightly his love burned for someone unapproved. As he tried to walk away from it, he could brush off most of the outward signs of his love for Nini, but not all, just as the dust was ingrained in all those hidden crevices of his clothes and fingernails. Just wanted to explain since I didn’t normally include so much detail in the physical locations in the story, so some ppl might have been confused why I bothered there.)
> 
> I spent a long time developing the final apartment scene+letter, starting on day 1 and constantly adding to it as the story progressed, so it has a special place in my broken heart. (Did you catch how Soo surrounded himself with Jongin’s skin tone in his furnishings to help his apartment feel more like home since he can’t have the real thing there? I cry.) If you didn’t catch the full meaning of his final line in his letter, it’s back in Ch 19 during Kaisoo’s coffee date. No, it’s not just about coming out… it’s a proposal, one that he knows is too late, a proposal to an engaged man. ;_;
> 
> BUT because I’m a sucker for Kaisoo, **I couldn’t end it here like this.**
> 
> Okay without further ado…

 

Epilogue 1

 

Chanyeol is waiting outside the apartment for his friend to open up. It's freezing out tonight, so he stomps his feet while waiting to regain some feeling. Kyungsoo finally opens the door and lets him in. “Geez, you’re early two days in a row. Is the apocalypse nigh?”

“Naw, I’m just trying to be more responsible! That’s why I keep needing your help to go over these business plans,” Chanyeol yells after his friend who’s disappearing back into his bedroom to finish getting dressed. The giant waits until Kyungsoo is out of sight and starts snooping around the study area. He’s been able to get Kyungsoo to agree to dinner three days in a row now without raising _too_ much suspicion from the other, but he’s really going to be pushing it if he has to try this again. Today’s his lucky day, though. He spots exactly what he’s been looking for: a pristine, sealed envelope in the trashcan. Checking to make sure Kyungsoo’s still in the bedroom, Chanyeol surreptitiously snags the letter, tucks it into his inner coat pocket, and slides back into the entryway before the actor reappears.

“Ready to go?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Yep, can’t wait,” he replies, unable to conceal his goofy grin and an excited shimmy shake of his shoulders. Luckily, the shorter man is accustomed to him being giddy for no reason at all, and just rolls his eyes at him.

"I swear, you get more ridiculously excited over food than just about anyone I know," Kyungsoo teases.

"Just about, huh? And who's even worse than me?" Chanyeol fires right back.

Kyungsoo flinches a bit, maybe from the stinging cold (or not). Snuggling down further in his tan scarf and hiding what the giant thinks is a blush, Kyungsoo snaps back, "This is a stupid conversation and I'm not having it."

 _'You 're so obvious; you might as well just say 'Jongin with chicken,' Soo.'_  Yeolkeeps his thoughts to himself and graciously changes the subject.

.

.

.

Chanyeol doesn’t waste any time, getting down to business immediately after they say goodbye at the restaurant. He knows there’s a chance Kyungsoo might notice it’s missing, so he’s got to do this tonight.

As he wanders the streets of Seoul, the giant reflects on his two friends’ current situations. It really is such a shame how things panned out, not just personally but professionally, too. Since EXO disbanded, Kyungsoo hasn't recorded or performed another song. No matter how many times Chanyeol asks him to do an R&B mini-album, hell even just a single together, he always declines. Sure, Kyungsoo claimed he just ended up loving acting more than singing, but Chanyeol knew it was an excuse. As was Jongin’s decision to retreat from the limelight to just directing others behind the scenes. Even though neither male would admit it, the fact of the matter was that Soo couldn’t enjoy singing without Jongin’s dancing, and Jongin didn’t have the heart to dance without Soo’s voice as the backdrop. For both of them, singing and dancing were so deeply intertwined with memories of the other that it was too painful to keep going on with their art alone. And the world was a sadder place because of it, in Chanyeol’s opinion. _‘Such a damn shame… all of this,’_ he muses, further convicted he is doing the right thing.

After a few minutes of walking, he reaches his destination. He enters the corner convenience store and pulls out the sealed envelope from inside his coat. Fingering it with care, Chanyeol lays it down, reverently, on the countertop. He doesn’t feel any need to read it; he’s convinced that whatever it says, Jongin should hear it. He affixes a stamp to the envelope, addresses it, and slides it in the mail box on the street corner, heaving a huge sigh of relief as it makes its way safely through the one-way slot. Pick up time on the box is slated for first thing tomorrow morning, and since it’s only traveling a few miles, it should reach its destination the same day.

Kyungsoois probably going to beat the shit out of him when he figures out what he’s done, but right now, he doesn't care. It's a risk he's willing to take. Chanyeol walks home with a bounce in his step, thinking,  _‘Whether it brings you closure, friendship, or the true love you both deserve… good luck, guys. I was **always** rooting for you…’_

 

\----------THE (ORIGINAL) END (….1 of 2….)--------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went back and forth on whether or not to share this epilogue. If you think it’s a cop out from the previous chapter with the definitively sad end, you can pretend it doesn’t exist.
> 
> Because you read the alternate ending first, you already came across it in the later chs of the alternate ending, but the first time I posted it, Chanyeol was a SURPRISE here in the epilogue: Yeol actually knows (or rather, **VERY strongly suspects** ) about Kaisoo pretty much the whole time, so I thought it might be fitting to let him give them one last shot. (He clued in way back during the Angel dance practice in Ch 4 when he doesn’t say anything, just observes and starts figuring it out – I doubt you noticed, but seriously, how could YEOL stay quiet during an uproar like that? Every other Exo-K member weighs in, but not him ;) If you re-read the story, there are LOTS of chapters (almost all?) where knowing he knows will put a different spin on his behavior or his carefully chosen words XD Did any of you pick up on it? I never saw a comment about it, so I’m curious if I was successfully ambiguous or if you knew the whole time.)
> 
> What actually happens after this: I DON’T KNOW. Okay, not true, I’ve actually written a follow-up. It's in a separate extension fic called Orbiting Bodies, which is a collection of deleted scenes and additional one shots from the W&W universe. Click the link below to take you to Part 2 of the Kaisoo Nonau series.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story <3 Please comment if you have any final thoughts, on this original ending or the happier alternate one, and thanks a bunch for reading!
> 
> At1stsight | at1stsoo
> 
> [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo) | [Tumblr](http://at1stsoo.tumblr.com)


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